Mother in Law from hell or is she ??

[LOZZYLOOLOO]

My mil is a total pain in the bottom to put it politely and I think sooner or later it will effect my relationship with my dh.

Prior to me having my ds in June 04, I got on with my mil and fil like a house on fire, I didn't mind spending the weekend down at their place and would even go on holiday with them.

It wasn't until after I had my ds that my mil started to get on my tits so much so I can't stop complaining about her, my blood boils when her name is mentioned or when she phones or comes to see us.

It all started when she walked into the hospital the day I had my ds and said how much my ds looked like my dh when he was born some 38 years ago. Since then I have had to put up with her telling me what my ds should be doing when and at what time as that is what my dh did when he was born. It seems like she wants my ds to be exactly like her son (my dh) when he was born.

Since my ds was born I have been told by my mil that my breast milk was not good enough for my ds and that I should put him on formula milk, I have been told numerous times that my ds needs a dummy dispite trying it and he hating it, she has told me I should have started weaning my ds when he was 10lb in weight, (which would have been when he was 3 weeks old)instead of waiting until he was 4 1/2 months old. The list goes on and on.

Also, my mil always buys presents for my ds, she finds bloody stupid excuses to buy him presents like "It was a day since I last saw him " I have told my mil not to constantly buy things but my wishes have fallen on deaf ears as no sooner have I told her not to buy him anything she turns up with toys.

My mil insists on sticking her ore in where it is not wanted but how can you be that dipolimatic and tell her to but out.

Only last week my mil and fil came to stay for the weekend, they looked after my ds Sunday morning, so I could go out for a few hours. When I got home my ds was attached to my mils chest where he had been since 0900 hrs, he actually didn't become detached until 1500 hrs when he fell asleep on her and I asked her to go and put him in his cot. Low and behold shortly after she put him down he woke and started crying, my mil jumped up from the sofa and darted for the front room door, both my fil and I have told her to sit down and to leave my ds alone, her reply was "I will go and stand outside his bedroom door", I have insisted she leave him alone which she did for 2 minutes whilst I remained in the front room but as soon as my back was turned she was up those stairs as quick as a flash and picked my ds out of his cot. Did the stupid woman not think I would not notice her gone from the front room when I got back.

Now tell me if I am wrong but I am my ds mother and what I say should go and shouldn't be disregarded by my mil. I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to anyone and would ask instead of just taking it upon myself to go against what a mother has said.

I have discussed my feelings with my dh but he says that my mil wants to love my ds and she doesnt mean any harm by what she is doing. Well I think differently.

I now hate seeing my mil, talking to her on the phone and having her anywhere near my ds as she always without fail makes me feel inadequate and wants to take over.

My ds is my first child and to be honest with you I don't think I am doing a bad job infact I think I am doing more than ok but why do I feel so bad about my interferring mil and how can I deal with my feelings towards her, as I can see this problem not going away.

LozzyLooLoo

She sounds like an absolutely nightmare. How dare she. How DARE she? I'd be exploding. You're not overreacting LozzyLooLoo, you've got every reason to be livid.

Your DH needs to understand that he has to back you against your MIL whatever happens. One of the reasons she carries on like this, is because her DS allows her to. He mustn't. He's got to back you. End of.

hi LLL, I have a similar situation except it's my mum. I think the only way you can get through is to be straight with her but as gently as you can so you don't offend her, but firm enough that she gets the message. My mum is always saying I should do things this way and that way, but I take her advice on board but do what I feel is right. She has spoilt dd rotten for her birthday and Christmas which has really upset me, and even brought presents that I wasn't going to buy because she thought I wouldnt be able to get them with dd with me or I couldnt afford them! There are some things that I will grin and bare through as she is my mum, but some things I have to say something to. I probably havent been of much help, but maybe ask your dh to have a word with her. Your mil probably doesnt realise she's interferring just like my mum doesnt, so they need to be told. Horrible to do it though xxx

oops meant to be present that I was going to buy. i really should read before i post!

My own mother did interfere quite a lot, and a lot of my requests fell on deaf ears as well.

If you got on with her before ds, I doubt that she realises just how annoying she is actually being, and probably just excited and thrilled with her grandson, hense all the pressies. If you DH doesn't agree with you, and it is bothering you that much, I would have a word with her yourself, perhaps when she next visits take her out so she is not distracted by your ds and tell her how you feel, and I am sure that she will probably be gutted that you are feeling this way.

how often does she see her GS, as my in-laws say ds every month and when they did see him they never put him down for a second.

I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm. But she is causing harm. Your dh needs to back you up, and sit down and tell her exactly how her interfering is affecting you (make sure he puts it in the context of it spoiling what was a lovely DIL/MIL relationship). Maybe he could enlist his Dads help to make her calm down. Because it does sound like a rescuable situation. She is just being a massively overdoting granny, with outdated ideas. But teh fact she isn'tdoing it malicisously doesn't stop how annoying it is.

Lozzy your MIL is very naughty! Mine hasn't been too bad really with now 4 yr old dd, but she has alzheimers and has taken to phoning early morning and throughout the day to ask if the baby has arrived yet - not due until May!!!

Thanks for all your advice.

I have told my mil how I feel about her keep buying presents for my ds but how many times do I have to tell her before it will actually sink in, I sometimes think she does it to pee me off. I have even told my dh to tell my mil to take stuff back as we don't want more presents. (am I being cruel)

I would speak to my dil but he is hen pecked and does everything my mil tell him to do. When my mil and dil come over to see us (or my ds) and he has hold of my ds my mil tells him he is doing it wrong and takes my ds off him. I have tried all sorts to get my dil more involved with caring for my ds but it appears he has given up and has very little to do with my ds as he is always criticised by my mil and told he is doing it wrong.

My dh is good in the fact he knows what annoys me and will tell his mother not to do stuff but he only sees my mil as doing what she does to be helpful and caring and not to be interferring.

I don't actually see my mil that often but that is still too often for my liking. I know if maybe we saw my mil abit more then she wouldn't be so full on but my mum doesn't see my ds that often and see isn't so full on so why does my mil. My mil has a gd who is 9 and she is exactly the same with her, over the top all the time so I can't see that seeing my mil more often would make much difference.

I am not the most diplimatic of people and am worried that if I do say something to my mil about her behaviour then she will take it the wrong way and it will be worse than it is now as there will be an atmosphere when we meet.

My dh was in a difficult relationship before he met me and his mil didn't like my dh expartner so much so she wouldn't speak to her. I really don't want that to happen to me as it will cause problems between my dh, his mother and I.

Anyway I best go as I be beginning to go on.

I told you I could bitch about my mil all day.

TBH LozzyLooLoo I think your MIL is doing what she is doing out of love for you and your family. I know it is really annoying/frustrating etc but I am sure she doesn't realise it. The advice she is offering (re food/dummies) is what she was brought up on. Babies were weaned earlier and I bet she bottle fed too and used a dummy. Of course she sees your ds in comparison to her own ds (your dh) as he is her grandson. I bet she thinks she is being helpful 'taking him off your hands' so to speak when she visits. At least she is trying to help - albeit TOO much.

Personally I would tryt o have a chat with her, tell her you really appreciate her help and advice, say something like 'it is so nice you help, so many grannys don't etc' Butter her up first. Then say that you will keep in mind her advice, but that the DR has told you NOT to wean yet.

I KNOW she sounds like an intererring old bag, but try hard to just accept her 'help' as that is what she believes she is giving you. Presents can always be stashed away, or given away if you really have no room for them,. So what if she picks him up, it isn't going to harm him long term. At least she is there giving you hours off when you want to go out.

I know that sounds like a critiscm of you, it isn't meant to as I am also sure your hormones, emotions etc are all over the place, it is impossible to know what is best for a mum with a new baby.

Good luck, try to chill out and see it as well meaning, if misplaced help. She will calm down in time I am sure

Crunchie

Thanks for your advice, I know what my mil is doing is out of love for me and my family, but I don't see it that way as she seems to do stuff to undermine my decision and the way I want to bring up my son.

I know my mil bought up her own children and I expect she made her mistakes along the way, well let me make my mistakes. If I want her advice then I will ask for it. I don't expect to be told what to do and when just because it worked for her when she had my dh 38 years ago.

I want to be able to deal with my feelings towards my mil but everything she seems to do frustrates me so much. Yes, I am happy to let her look after my ds but only as a last resort as I know she will be doing everything agaist what I have told her to do, as this is what she has done in the past. I have got my ds into a routine of feeding, sleeping and playing and the last thing I want is for her to come in and disrupt what has taken me some time to achieve.

I know I am being hard on my mil but all I want is for her to calm down and to not be so full on when she either phones or comes over to see us.

Believe me LLL I do undertsnad where you are coming from, however I also think if you try to see it from her side it won't upset you so much. Like you say you have tried telling he rnot to buy stuff and not to do stuff, but she keeps on doing it. If you really can't hold it in try to see her alone (no dh/kids) and explain how much it uosets you. Write it down before hand if you have to, I am sure if she honestly knew it got you down so much she would try to be better.

Like you said before you had kids she was great, there was no problem. Hark back to that and say how bad you are feeling about it all. That is all I can suggest. If you can't do that, try to shug it off as best as you can.

BTW My MIL has had times of this sort of behaviour and we ended up having a blazing row - I am talking of telling her to get the f**k out of my house and don't come back!!! We have had rows since but no that bad, and we laugh about it now!

I went through something like this with my mother so I know how awful it can make you feel.

IMO your dh needs to have a word with her and set some boundaries for her. If he can't do that and you feel you might not be diplomatic if you spoke to her, what about writing her a letter? It seems a bit formal, I know, but it would give her the chance to consider your views in private. It also means you get your point across without getting angry with her and saying something you might regret.

You could give her a baby care book that most matches your style of parenting and say 'this is how modern parenting is'.

In the meantime can you try and cut down on the time you see your ILs?

If she's acting this way out of love for your ds then it shouldn't be too hard for her to act out of consideration for you too. HTH.

agree with Crunchie!

let's face it - we all do and say things that piss people off sometimes - even people we love. You'll get other mothers saying 'my MIL isn't interested in her grandchildren and never babysits .....' nobodys perfect but it sounds to me like your MIL is basically a nice woman who loves her family but she's human and has faults - nowt wrong with that!

So sorry you are having this stresss with your MIL.Have you tried quoting the doctor/health visitor at her
eg the doctor says i shouldnt wean him until 6 months
the health visitor says i should let him sleep in his crib and not on my chest or he will have sleep problems later
I know its a bit of a cop out as she SHOULD respect your wishes. But she may listen to these "authority figures"

just a thought......

I've just posted a similar despairing message because I'm so pissed off with my MIL. I don't think people who haven't experienced inteference from a MIL realise how deeply and profoundly irritating and patronising their behaviour can be. The more I think about it the more I want to tell mine to F*K OFF. It is NOT kindness or love - it's ghastly one-upmanship. It's 'I know better than you and you're f**ing it all up'. They've had their shot at parenthood and this is now the closest they're going to get again. Why don't we all get bold and tell 'em all to SOD OFF and get their own life?

When I was six months pregnant with DD1, my MIL said to my husband over Sunday lunch which I had cooked "Next time you get married, don't get married in March again because its far too cold". I was absolutely seething. She was staying for two weeks, and after several ditties like that I told her she was the most obnoxious woman I have ever met and to not darken my doorstep again (I am generally not that outspoken!). We do actually get on fine now, but it took nearly two years to get over that incident.

lozzy, I feel for you. My MIL was like this with all of my kids & it caused me no end of grief. My ILs trick was to come to "see the baby" in the evening of the day we came out of hospital. Once there she would grab the baby & sit & coo at it for 4 hours (no kidding). It caused huge problems between me & DH because he wouldn't say anything to them (& even 18 years on it still makes me angry to think about it).

She didn't ever presume to tell me how to bring them up, but used to buy stuff all the time that was quite frankly horrible! Unfortunately my dd was her first (& only ) gd & when we said no pink & no dresses she just went out & got them anyway... particularly those hideous flouncy frilly things.

One word of warning is that mine didn't get any better & continued her little routine with each of my four babies. The thing I will never forgive her for was when she arrived to see the last one & went straight to the pram (to poke him & nudge him to wake him up- anyone read "The Little House" by Phillipa Gregory?- hehe) & the other 3, aged 5.5, 3.5 & 2 years old all came down the stairs saying "hello nanny!" and she totally ignored them. All eyes on the baby.

You need to say something now and stop it before it gets worse.

sorry Jools and crunchie but you cannot possibly say that telling LLL her breastmilk is not good enough and babe should have formula is doing it for the good of the family.

LLL if you look at my post on broxxers thread you will see how this situation has affected me and my family - you need to say something to her soon with the back up of your dh.

Poor you LLL. I totally empathise with the "full on " thing. My mil was just the same when I had ds1 10+ years ago. I have had 3 more kids since. After 3 days of no sleep in the hospital (they wouln't let me go home again as they were inducing me in the light of suspected obstetric choleostasis - sorry wrong spelling)she came along with pil,sil and 2 neices just 12 hours after ds's birth. he had arrived at 2am that day so I hadn't slept AT ALL. I was abso;utely overwhelmingly exhausted, and elated my ds was safely there, but another 24 hrs later would have been better... Anyway, the minute she saw ds she straight away put an extra blanket on him. FFS I was holding him so he had my body warmth, plus it was a scorhing June day in a scorching hospital, but oh no grandma knew best. So the undermining began on day one. Ds looked and still does look like dh, this too was remarked on SO much I wanted to scream. "Oh he's a mini %**&" she would say again and again. I felt like just the incubator for her gs. She also bizarrely insisted for months on calling ds by his middle name, which reflected her own ethnic origins more than ds's 1st name, which we had made clear was the one he was to be called by. Of course we hhad chosen the middle mame too, but it was one more example of the control thing which I found it hard to cope with. I could go on but I won't let myself. I would summarise by saying what hurt me most was the fact that a mother of four just couldn't or wouldn't remember just how hormonally sensitive, vulnerable and raw a new mother feels, especially yhe first time. I will never forget to my dying day that it is an utterly transforming and often shocking experience, and I would never for that reason do the same to any future dil as was done to me. Yours may back off fingers crossed, or she may not, in which case you will learn to cope somehow or other!

I have to admit it is so nice that I am normal and that I am not the only one who feels that there mil is interferring..

Friday evening I went out with a friend and I found myself slagging my mil off most of the evening. I did feel better afterwards but thought 'god she is beginning to take over my life as I can't stop being nasty about her'.

I think I am going to have to endure a visit from my mil sometime this week, no doubt I will be told I am going wrong somewhere but I am determined to stick up for myself and am not going to let her take over and dictate what I should and shouldn't be doing with "MY SON". I am sure it will cause problems between us but at the moment I really don't give a dam.

Brozzer - I like your style and I wish it was that easy but you always have the consequences to think about. Have things improved with your mil.

LLL, ugh. she sounds totally nightmarish. the only things i can suggest are to work out which of her traits are giving you the most grief. frankly the things that seem the most offensive and destructive (i think those terms are warranted) are the ways she is interfering with the way you feed your baby, and the way you are teaching him to sleep.
i completely see what's winding you up about the presents, but IMO it's not quite as big a problem as the feed/sleep issues -- you can deal withthe gift buttermountain further down the line, whereas you don't want to let either the sleep-training or feeding routine slide.
is there a book on on sleep training and a WHO guideline printout on weaning that you can present her with to shut her up?
your DH must also understand that her interfering is affecting your quality of life and that he needs to protect you from her at this time when both you and DS are very vulnerable. really i think you have to explain to him that you don't have the energy for a big fight with her, and it's up to him to sort the situation for you while you're understandably wrapped up in DH's wellbeing and probably rather knackered. if he doesn't do that, i wouldn't fret too much about just blowing up at her. it might clear the air and it sounds like you have the basis of an OK relationship. everyone knows the first few months with a new baby are hellish, i'm sure she'll get over it.

It must be annoying. But she won't be around for ever, she loves your son and is a loving grandparent. You however are his mum and of course you have the final say over whatever happens to him. If you accept that, there is no way she can make you feel inadequate. She could advise you til she is blue in the face, your decisions about your baby are yours and yours alone. Sounds like she desperately wants to be involved and the more you back off the more desperate she is gettign. You say you got along well before ds, so personally I would take a compassionate stance to this and try to grin and bear it. She is doing her best to love you all even though it may be in a misguided way.

posted before reading the end of this - maybe not, then! hope it goes well anyway, and you sort things out.

I have the MIL from hell. She tried to sabotage my wedding day and turn dh against me. dh was appalled and embarrassed. MIL wanted an apology from dh for him marrying me. That was on our wedding day. That was five years ago. That was the last time we saw MIL/FIL. I have two sons aged 1 and 2. I am expecting again and BOY am I glad that I don't have to go through what you are going through. They have had numerous invites to come and see their grandchildren. They ignore them all, as they are still waiting for that apology. Life is too short for all this isn't it? I am so sorry you are having a tough time. I know what it feels like to have your blood boil over you MIL! I just hope and pray that I am not like that with my own sons and their wives and girlfriends.

The SINGLE most important thing (and only advice I can give) is please, please, please do everything you can to unite and work with your dh to deal with this. My MIL wanted my dh to CHOOSE her over me. She wanted to come between us. For the sake of your son talk, talk and talk more to your dh about this and do not let her come between you. Be united in the way that you deal with her. Hard, I know.

winterdolly - you're right what was said was WAY out of order - my MIL said some dreadful things to me too (we had a period when we didn't see her at all) - but she was also very good too. In any relationship you learn to take the good with the bad. I'm not a very forgiving person and I never really forgave my MIL for some of the things she said (she dead now) and if I think of them even now its make me mad - BUT my dh loved her and she was a good mother to him and she was basically a good person with some human frailties.

God she is getting worse I am sure.

My dh phoned my mil on Sunday evening but they were out and didn't get home until midnight. Because there was no indication as to what my dh phoned for my mil had a sleepless night worrying that something had happened to my ds.

Come on don't you think if something had happened we would be up or have phoned repeatedly through the night to let her know, or better still we would have phoned their mobiles.

I dispair with her.