Mother in Law from hell or is she ??

[LOZZYLOOLOO]

My mil is a total pain in the bottom to put it politely and I think sooner or later it will effect my relationship with my dh.

Prior to me having my ds in June 04, I got on with my mil and fil like a house on fire, I didn't mind spending the weekend down at their place and would even go on holiday with them.

It wasn't until after I had my ds that my mil started to get on my tits so much so I can't stop complaining about her, my blood boils when her name is mentioned or when she phones or comes to see us.

It all started when she walked into the hospital the day I had my ds and said how much my ds looked like my dh when he was born some 38 years ago. Since then I have had to put up with her telling me what my ds should be doing when and at what time as that is what my dh did when he was born. It seems like she wants my ds to be exactly like her son (my dh) when he was born.

Since my ds was born I have been told by my mil that my breast milk was not good enough for my ds and that I should put him on formula milk, I have been told numerous times that my ds needs a dummy dispite trying it and he hating it, she has told me I should have started weaning my ds when he was 10lb in weight, (which would have been when he was 3 weeks old)instead of waiting until he was 4 1/2 months old. The list goes on and on.

Also, my mil always buys presents for my ds, she finds bloody stupid excuses to buy him presents like "It was a day since I last saw him " I have told my mil not to constantly buy things but my wishes have fallen on deaf ears as no sooner have I told her not to buy him anything she turns up with toys.

My mil insists on sticking her ore in where it is not wanted but how can you be that dipolimatic and tell her to but out.

Only last week my mil and fil came to stay for the weekend, they looked after my ds Sunday morning, so I could go out for a few hours. When I got home my ds was attached to my mils chest where he had been since 0900 hrs, he actually didn't become detached until 1500 hrs when he fell asleep on her and I asked her to go and put him in his cot. Low and behold shortly after she put him down he woke and started crying, my mil jumped up from the sofa and darted for the front room door, both my fil and I have told her to sit down and to leave my ds alone, her reply was "I will go and stand outside his bedroom door", I have insisted she leave him alone which she did for 2 minutes whilst I remained in the front room but as soon as my back was turned she was up those stairs as quick as a flash and picked my ds out of his cot. Did the stupid woman not think I would not notice her gone from the front room when I got back.

Now tell me if I am wrong but I am my ds mother and what I say should go and shouldn't be disregarded by my mil. I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to anyone and would ask instead of just taking it upon myself to go against what a mother has said.

I have discussed my feelings with my dh but he says that my mil wants to love my ds and she doesnt mean any harm by what she is doing. Well I think differently.

I now hate seeing my mil, talking to her on the phone and having her anywhere near my ds as she always without fail makes me feel inadequate and wants to take over.

My ds is my first child and to be honest with you I don't think I am doing a bad job infact I think I am doing more than ok but why do I feel so bad about my interferring mil and how can I deal with my feelings towards her, as I can see this problem not going away.

LozzyLooLoo

She needs to get an answering machine.

Lozzyloo, your MIL does sound like a difficult woman. However, re grandmotherly love, I once interviewed Emma Thompson's mum (I'm a journalist) and she talked a lot about what it's like to be a grandparent, and what she said was that when you are a mother it's almost easy to be quite controlled, even stern, because that's your duty and your job, to keep everything together, but she said that being a grandparent was for her, a million times more uncontrollably emotional, that she was 'in ribbons' most of the time, couldn't drive her grandchildren anywhere because she was so afraid of having an accident, and felt very vulnerable emotionally about them - much more so than when she was a mother herself. She's an enormously sensible, loving person who made a real effort not to interfere - but I got the feeling that it was a real effort (in the nicest possible way). It was a bit of an eye-opener to me, how different emotionally motherhood and grandmotherhood could be. I know my own mum is passionate about ds in that very 'in ribbons' sort of way. If I tell him off about anything she is in bits! She literally panics and tries to stop me. Yes, it is bloody irritating at times, but I really, really try to concentrate on the fact that she really does adore him and it is like a physical pain to hear ds cry or to think of him being unhappy in any way. And here's a good one - my friend and her husband wanted to go for a weekend to New York for their anniversary, so planned to leave their dd with her MIL. She told her mum she was going to NY, and her mum was SO upset, kept going on about the risk of terrorism, plane going down etc etc....then my friend told her that their dd wouldn't be going, and her mum, said, "Oh, what a relief, that's alright then'! ie it was OK for her daughter to die, but not the worshipped granddaughter!
Re the practical problem of being given unwanted advice, maybe you could actually practise some useful replies in advance of her visit. ie That's very interesting, but my doctor has told me very specifically to wait to wean until six months. Yes I know, it seems a long time, but the doctor is really insistent' - or 'Really? that sounds like an interesting way of doing things. Is that what you did with your children?" or "I know you did that with dh, but I want to do things differently." or maybe, "Sometimes when you say things like that I feel as if you don't trust me and I think that's such a shame' - or whatever. Then you can repeat them as necessary. My personal technique is to leave ds with his grandma or encourage them to go out, on the grounds that what I don't know and can't see can't hurt me! Hideous clothes go into the drawer and are never seen again, I ask her to keep unwanted presents at her house so ds can play with them there, or I'd be ruthless and give them away if it got out of hand (one of my friends has a manic gift-giving MIL and her house looks like a bomb attack at Hamleys!). Remember, try not to feel undermined. Of course you are doing a brilliant job, and your MIL can't make you do anything differently. You are ds's mum and have the last word on everything. You can smile sweetly and do things your own way.

LLL I can totally empathise. My MIL is such a bitch none of my friends believe me and joke that I must be exaggerating - another friend is a scriptwriter for telly and I've starting telling him I want royalties as he uses all of my stories which ACTUALLY happen!

MIL I s a total control freak, hates the air that I breathe and when asks why she can't stand me her answers range from I am too working class,too common, too fat,not educated enough, answer back too much, not a well behaved wife - you name it I've heard it.

She boycotted our wedding in the desperate hope my DH wouldn't go through with it, she even told me after a health scare that she wanted me and the baby dead!

When I was about 5 months pregnant she very disapproving told me I was going to have a girl and looked down her nose at me - when it was discovered that I was indeed carrying a boy she said all the best clothes for babies where for a girl and it was typical that I was having a boy! (she is just a nutter)here's one for you to giggle over.

When I was about 8.5 months pregnant she announced over dinner that she couldn't wait for the baby to come - finally I was pleased that she seemed to be on track, and she followed that comment up with....'then we can see what colour the baby is and we'll know for sure that you cheated on him' she follows EVERY foul thing she says to me with
'it was a joke, we always say things like that in India,'
which I know is BLLcks as my best friend is Indian....oooh sorry didn't mean to rant but you are not alone!

LLL - i started another thread about this if you want to read more MIL-from-hell stories. XX

OK, slightly off on a tangent but remaining on the "I hate my MIL" theme (and there seemed no point starting another thread), how am I going to deal with my MIL's impending visit?

There is a lot of history between MIL and me, but the current issue is that she has not seen DD since she was born 7 months ago (she was meant to come but at the time, SIL and DH had a big row, provoked entirely by SIL, and MIL sided with her and didn't come. Just never turned up on the day, never called, nothing). The last time she saw DS was a year ago on his 2nd birthday.

I can't bear it when she comes as although she is perfectly "nice" to me, she doesn't lift a finger to help me (like, doesn't even carry used teacups to the sink) round the house, she gets out of bed at 10am with some snide remark about how noisy DS is is the morning (his room is next to the spare room, and he gets up at 6.30am like most toddlers!), and then makes SUCH a huge show of what a favour she's doing me by taking DS to the park, only for me to hear from a friend or neighbour who's seen them, that she just leaves DS to scuff around in the grass while she sits on a bench in high heels smoking a fag and reading the Daily Mail!

All this despite her constantly going on about how much she wants to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

When she has come in the past, we pay for her plane ticket, and I ferry her to and from the airport. She always comes at least Thurs-Tues (which means I'm stuck with her for 3 days without DH). SHe seems to think it is beneath her to so much as say thank you to me for the taxi service, never mind the constant entertainment and meals while she stays. After the debacle when DD was born, DH agreed with me that any future stays wld be limited to a weekend.

Last night he said she had said to him she wanted to see DD and he'd said we'd organise a trip. He suggested Thurs-Sun.

I want her to come on a Fri morning and go on Sun afternoon, so I don't have to spend ANY time alone with her, as I think we may have a major falling out if I do. I don't want to make DH feel stuck between me and his mum, but after the way she has behaved I can't understand why he won't stand up to her a bit more. I mean, he agreed with me that her behaviour was unacceptable, but now he wants us to just pretend it never happened!

How am I going to manage to organise this trip without looking like I'm the pain in the neck here, but keeping control of the situation?

lozzy - not had chance to read all the posts but my first though on reading your initial post was that although I can imagine how annoying it is, I do think she is just desperately 'in love' with your DS. I'm sure she doesn't think about what she's saying or realise that it is upsetting you. Out ofinterest, does your MIL have any daughters? I ask because sometimes I think MILs with only sons can be more difficult when it comes to grandchildren (huge generalisation obviously). Can you not just speak to her about it frankly - say "I really appreciate your advice / help etc and I know how much you love DS but I'm finding it a bit smothering" or something.
The other thing I always try to do is imagine what it will be like if/when my DS has children - I (and you) will be the MIL then. I'm sure you won't be like you describe your MIL but imagine how difficult a position it must be. I think it is easier for maternal grandmother than paternal grandmothers. And I hope you don't mind me saying it but I find it a bit hard when you are miffed that she was worried because you'd phoned and she didn't know what for. I feel a bit sorry for her TBH.

Difficult one, in a way I wish I had your problem and never saw my mil but unfortunately i have to put up with her alot more than I would like.

The only suggestion I can offer would be for you to arrange to go out for the day with friends or to arrange for friends to come over for dinner on the thursday evening. You have to arrange a full day of activities / outings etc which you cannot possibley change so as your mil can only come over on the Friday morning at the earliest.

It has worked for me before and I didn't feel terrible for doing it either.

hope all goes well and let us know what you did in the end to stop your mil coming over on the thursday as I might have to adopt it.

omg thats so weird she sounds exactly like mine always doin on about what dp was doing at certain age therefore ds will be doin exactly same eg dp was teething at 3 months therefore ds will be same goes for weaning if dp didnt like his bouncy chair then neither will ds wtf yea cos he s not half my baby aswell he wont be anything like me he s his own little person grrrrr and he looks just like his daddy even gets dp s baby pics out so we can see just how much . also the constant knittting and buying of hideous vests for example a white pink and peppermint vest for a boy? shes not on this planet. i really feel for you know exactly how you feel , wish i could help but i dont know what to do either !

My MIL got on my t*ts something awful after dd was born, and is again since the dts have arrived.

We obvioulsy don't know that THEY know best

They are all crazy in the bonce. Truly.

lillups - this thread is from 2004!

so it is!