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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any couples struggling since restrictions lifted?

40 replies

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 09:56

Good morning. We met in the middle of the pandemic and spent all our free weekends together, just us two , as we were able to bubble up.We we're cocooned essentially. On our own in a state of bliss with no responsibilities to the outside world.
I describe that year and four months as idyllic. We are back in the big bad world, our individual responsibilities have come crashing down around us and we are struggling both individually as a couple.
We are arguing because we are stressed and hurting one another.
We had a disagreement recently that neither of us could get past for a week.
It seems that when we argue or disagree,we have differing styles of communication which adds to the stress. We acknowledge that and are working on it .
I believe that we need time and space to sort our individual practicalities because there is no down time anymore for us as a couple.
This will change and return to an even keel in a couple of months but it's a waiting game.
Has anyone else experienced this and did space help even if you kept in sporadic contact. We love one another for sure but at the moment we have little to give due to responsibilities of kids and other practicalities.
We both believe that we have a future but with all the stress nearly gave up.We are in middle forties with five kids between us. We don't live together or blend.
Any advice please?

OP posts:

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 10:16

Shameless bump!

OP posts:

supercali77 · 22/02/2022 10:21

Not quite, we met at similar time but there have always been practical issues with exes and kids and so on. Sometimes difficulties when disagreeing over these but eventually figured out better communication style. We decided to meet one another kids, hang out together with them, that put an end to any issues where we had kids and couldn't see each other. Is that a possibility?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 22/02/2022 10:32

Are you suggesting your break up for a few months and then get back together? Or that you stay together but don't see or speak to each other for months? I don't really see either scenario working tbh. I've not been in your exact situation but have had relationships which were long distance where we didn't see each other for a long time and they only limped on as long as they did because we spoke a lot. I've also been in relationships with different communication styles and they didn't get very far because we just couldn't reconcile our ways of problem solving. Splitting up for a bit will almost certainly lead to a "we were on a breeeeeak" scenario. I'm afraid I don't think you can just break up when things get hard and then pick it up again when it's easy and expect the relationship to deepen and progress. After 1.5 years I think it's sink or swim time, either your relationship can survive the "big bad world" or it can't. Sorry if I've misunderstood what you're suggesting. Could you also give a few more details about what kind of responsibilities you're talking about? I'm assuming you both kept seeing your kids during the pandemic so that isn't exactly a new issue.

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 10:44

I thought that if we took a step back and stopped spending every spare second together and used that time to sort out our practicalities and minded ourselves properly, that we would be on a better position to develop.
The practicalities centre around new work, a house move, various kids commitments and activities, less money available now.
Things will settle for sure in a couple of months but right now, life feels suffocating and the joy is minimal together as we are under a lot of pressure individually.
I thought that keeping contact, eyeing weekly for coffee or a walk would keep the lines of communication open but would allow us to breatheiykwim

OP posts:

AubadeIsIt · 22/02/2022 10:50

Just for a bit more context, are your children adults? How could you have spent every moment together AND not blended? Life did continue a bit during the lockdowns, didn't it? I only ask to suggest that maybe the transition back to 'normal life' may not be the explanation to your problem.

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 10:50

Thanks for the replies.
I wanted to add that we are both committed to trying to make things work but acknowledge that with all the issues and relative distance ( only a 45 minute journey but it's still time)
We are not interested in any other persons romantically and it's been spoken about that this is a given.
It's to give ourselves space and time to sort out our lives which have become unusually overwhelming and time poor.

OP posts:

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 11:03

@AubadeIsIt. Our kids ages range from 10-20, all living at home. Ha eldest lives with him as RP. All my kids live with me and we used to have eow free together.

Recently my teenage child and his young adult son decided not to spend time with their father/ mother anymore so they are at either home all the time with us individually , for varying reasons with varying needs. They are our priorities now as they don't see their alternate parent.

We spent our free time together prior to this , not all the time but it was just us two.
We have no interest in blending families.

OP posts:

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 12:30

Any or all other thoughts welcome too. Thank you.

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bongobingo43 · 22/02/2022 13:23

I've read your posts a couple of times and im really confused

Your children have never met him and vice versa and your DC's haven't met his DC's but you both had every other weekend free and spent it together?

If that's the case, it sounds like the only thing that has changed is that you each have a DC who no longer sees their other parent?

It sounds like this is what is stopping you from having EOW alone together to be in your "cocooon"

To me that's a different issue than it being cos the pandemic is over, i.e. if you were both child free EOW as you were previously, you could still choose to spend every weekend bubbled up together and ignore the outside world.

Personally I don't think that's healthy or sustainable, pandemic or not - but that's just my view

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 13:47

I’m also confused. I got the impression you were together 24/7 with no one else. But now it seems that wasn’t the case. If you’re both RPs I can’t see how often you were together if you never blended in any way or what’s changed.

Plenty of couples had a proper cocoon situation in lockdown but that’s when they’re both without kids.

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 13:58

I must apologise for not being clear. We spent eow together during lockdowns on our own. Our children were with the other parent during those weekends.Those children don't go to their other parent now and many issues have arisen since restrictions lifted eg new work, house move, a change in our eow together as we have our kids with us now because they don't want to spend time with the other parent anymore.

OP posts:

zafferana · 22/02/2022 14:07

Thing is OP your 'idyllic bliss' period with your DP wasn't real life. We can all have a great time when we're free of our usual set of responsibilities - that's why most of us love to go on holiday - but if the two of you only work under those specific conditions I'm not sure this relationship is built to last. So forget the idyll - it's gone - and be honest both yourself and him about whether you can make things work now life is back to normal and your various kids are now home all the time.

NotaCoolMum · 22/02/2022 14:22

@zafferana

100% this. You were in a very unique set of circumstances and now that life is (somewhat) normal again, maybe you two are simply not at compatible places in the real world

Keystone76 · 22/02/2022 14:38

I agree. It sounds like you work as a couple but not when all the other factors are involved. You are also coming out of the honeymoon period too which can actually start to show up faults you didn’t see before.

AubadeIsIt · 22/02/2022 14:40

Just wondering, why don't you want to blend/have the kids meet? It wouldn't be precipitated

bongobingo43 · 22/02/2022 14:41

@thetirednurse

The point I was making is that the reason you don't have EOW together is cos you are no longer child free (as kids don't want to go), rather than because the restrictions had lifted.

If you were still child free you could still have eow together, restrictions or not

formalineadeline · 22/02/2022 14:43

Maybe it was a lovely lockdown relationship that has run its course and should be let go?

Not everything lasts forever, that's ok.

formalineadeline · 22/02/2022 14:46

Recognising that something has run its course doesn't diminish what it was or take away what it brought into your life.

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 17:42

@AubadeIsIt I don't want to blend because my kids have been through a lot and I now value or peaceful aggression free home and so do they.I don't want to live with a man again until they have left home and or are young adults.I do think it would be fair. He is of the same thinking.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 22/02/2022 17:59

You dont want to blend fair enough but blending isn't just living together with all the dcs, its also having a partner who your kids get to know and who are fine with them coming over for dinner or going for a walk in the park together. If you cant see each other when the kids are around....what's changing in 2 months that means you'll suddenly be in a different situation?

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 18:01

We do that@supercali77 . Our kids are very used to each other's partner but we don't and won't be living together. We've had holidays together and have attended family celebrations and the odd day out but that's it.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 22/02/2022 18:07

Ah right sorry that wasn't clear to me from the OP. So...are you saying that if you had more time to deal with the stress in your invidiual lives without having to also organise seeing one another etc...that you might weather the next couple of months easier?

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 18:19

Exactly@supercali77. While
Life has gone back to some normality, there have been added and unexpected things happen as I posted previously so odds seem a bit stacked against us and was walking if you think a break would do us good with the present struggles.
We both want it to work but realistically, our relationship is nearly at the bottom of priorities at the moment with our famil and other commitments.

OP posts:

Original poster

thetirednurse · 22/02/2022 18:19

*asking

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 18:22

I'd say, it gets busy with DC's and dating, but to sustain a relationship, ideally you need to aim for a minimum of once a week. This should not be an issue for your DP as his son is adult - he can leave him alone whenever, and easily overnight. Your DC is trickier, but you just have to look at what others do who have their DC all the time - babysitters, friends, family or paid for.
Him coming to you should bee easy for him, and if neither of you have met each others DC's, it's about time you did so if you are serious, over a year together is long enough for that and is reasonable.

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