Any couples struggling since restrictions lifted?

[thetirednurse]

Good morning. We met in the middle of the pandemic and spent all our free weekends together, just us two , as we were able to bubble up.We we're cocooned essentially. On our own in a state of bliss with no responsibilities to the outside world.
I describe that year and four months as idyllic. We are back in the big bad world, our individual responsibilities have come crashing down around us and we are struggling both individually as a couple.
We are arguing because we are stressed and hurting one another.
We had a disagreement recently that neither of us could get past for a week.
It seems that when we argue or disagree,we have differing styles of communication which adds to the stress. We acknowledge that and are working on it .
I believe that we need time and space to sort our individual practicalities because there is no down time anymore for us as a couple.
This will change and return to an even keel in a couple of months but it's a waiting game.
Has anyone else experienced this and did space help even if you kept in sporadic contact. We love one another for sure but at the moment we have little to give due to responsibilities of kids and other practicalities.
We both believe that we have a future but with all the stress nearly gave up.We are in middle forties with five kids between us. We don't live together or blend.
Any advice please?

Well, speaking for myself only... I dont think it would help me in a situation like that to suddenly not have the emotional and in-person support of my OH. My ex has covid so I have constant work and kid atm, a much needed weekend together had to be cancelled and so tomorrow lunch we're meeting for some much needed time together.

I guess its really about personal preferences and the type of relationship you have. If you both would rather keep this as a nice little bubble away from reality and not have reality intruding....im sure you could agree to it ... but I'd also be wondering how long thats sustainable for as other factors come into play over the years....do you see this as a long term thing?

Yes very much so. Gradually more involvement with our kids but not live together until they have moved out or are young adults. We don't like in the same place so I thought that keeping comma open and meeting once a week would keep lines open but also give us a chance to sort the practicalities before jumping back in to eow and perhaps another day on the other weekend.it was an Intense time but lovely.Now it's an intense time with a lot of problems to be solved when the weekends are our only free days from
Work and life generally.

• live

In the situation you describe, I'm wondering why you argue, as it sounds like you don't get to see each other much?

We have the odd argument which I think is normal in any relationship. We are both under a lot of pressure at the moment so we don't just switch off when we meet.

If you enjoy each other's company and you both see a future together I don't understand why you seem to be thinking this relationship is over?

Yes life is busy and stressful, having a loving partner/friend is usually an asset in those times when it's at its worse and when you need them more than ever.
What's the point otherwise?

My lovers and friends always make me feel good, help me de-stress or even focus on them and what's going on their lives, I wouldn't drop them because my life was extra stressful (my life has been extra stressful for several years!) these special people in your life should be worth more than that to you.

Neither of us have time or space besides a call or meet up for a walk every week to develop the relationship.
There are housing issues, kids issues, work issues and distance issues. All new to us. We do t know what to do ?

It sounds like far from being a choice to limit contact....you dont really have much of a choice. Back during the delta wave my daughter got covid. Then I did. Then my DPs daughter did and we didn't see each other for weeks. It was a stressful time. We ended up setting up a chessboard each and whenever we had 2 mins we'd make a move and send a photo of the move, then the other would make a move when they had time. I donf know why but little things like this kept us going and in touch....might not be practical for you...I guess I'm saying there's more than one way to stay close without having to see each other.

Thanks@supercali77 .Your post is very kind. I feel that awful separation and we miss each other very
Much but know it's not feasible right now and we also have stuff to sort out ourselves x

@linchinton

If you enjoy each other's company and you both see a future together I don't understand why you seem to be thinking this relationship is over?

Yes life is busy and stressful, having a loving partner/friend is usually an asset in those times when it's at its worse and when you need them more than ever.
What's the point otherwise?

My lovers and friends always make me feel good, help me de-stress or even focus on them and what's going on their lives, I wouldn't drop them because my life was extra stressful (my life has been extra stressful for several years!) these special people in your life should be worth more than that to you.

This is what I'm thinking. Normally in a situation like this, meetup time is precious and people don't argue? Rows are more likely to happen when the time isn't rare, IME.

Sounds like you want out and are trying to rationalise it.

You are very sensible taking it slow as in keeping children separate and do not want to live with a man until kids are finished school etc so they will not face anymore disruption in their lives, very sensible thinking. Could a grandparent or friend not have your child one night at weekend so you and your man could go out to dinner, see a play or cinema or walks or just some time for the two of you. Just try to keep the communication open and understand juggling kids, work, etc moving is very hard and stressful. You can make it work once there is trust as any other relationship would be equally as hard and have the same issues. If you both want it to work it will work, how does he feel about it all. You can still have the kids meet and say this is a friend if you go out for a day all together but not playing happy families at home together. Take each day as it comes and just try to find some time that you can spend together. Also I think you need to talk to your child and find out why they do not want to go to their father and sort that out and your partner needs to do the same with their child. Life so stressful at times but you do also deserve some happiness. Hope it works out for you both. You need to do something that relaxes you also for yourself. Stop overthinking, some exercise and try to just relax more.

Also some people just get on better when together and then when are apart it stresses them out and make arguments out of nothing. What are the issues that come up and what is he saying. Need more detail about what he is saying. Also is your gut telling you something about it all, has anything happened that makes you question the relationship?

@BOOTS52 Much thanks for your thoughtful reply.When he moved work and houses, I became unsettled and off balance. His move was not straightforward and still is not.
I have a problems with trust and can behave like a child when faced with any form of being abandoned or rejected so every small argument we had, I catastrophised and verbally lashed out to try to protect myself. He simply got sick of this and couldn't handle my emotions or behaviour which is understandable.
This led to him shutting me out and ignoring my bids for attention when I'd calmed down.
It was that he had t calmed down. I get over things quickly but explode initially.He is the opposite to me.
He felt I had changed since his move.
We absolutely love each other and plan to meet once a week for a chat and a coffee and keep texting and have the odd chat midweek.
That gives us time to sort through our personal and practical stuff for a few weeks and time for me to get some counselling which I've booked. He is also open to couples counselling and really wants us to work.

My child has no interest in her Dad. He is aggressive and has shown little interest in her since he left and refuses to give her lifts when she needs to go somewhere. She still hasn't forgiven him for having an affair and leaving her as she sees it. She will also be starting counselling soon.
His child has many issues, was brought up in a very dysfunctional environment despite application for custody by my partner,so his needs are priority obviously and he is now living with my partner as his living arrangements have become untenable.