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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When arguments change and you go from being in the right to being in the wrong

44 replies

CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 02:31

I've had a huge argument with DH and I've messed up. I was 100% certain on my position, and was feeling very hurt about something, and then the conversation/argument changed and moved on and I should have been supportive about a different issue he has got going on but instead I was stuck feeling hurt and should have realised his issue was bigger and he needed my support. I've apologised but he's now not talking to me.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 03:14

How long has he not been talking to you for?

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2022 05:47

Does he usually turn things round so you’re in the wrong?

Associatepeggy · 22/02/2022 05:58

Without detail its impossible to give advice.

Because it certainly can happen that we get so wrapped up in our own feelings that we dont see the situation as a whole. We take things in isolation.

On the other hand, some people are good at twisting situations to make other people feel wrong.

Also there's a difference between taking sometime to sort through your feelings after an argument and refusing to speak to someone for a prolonged period.

gonnascreamsoon · 22/02/2022 06:59

More detail is needed so we can decide what our opinions are ?

Could be your head was indeed up your own arse, and you'd missed the 'big picture' ?

Could be your H is a Narcissist prick, who always turns things round and shifts all 'blame' onto you, for things both real and imagined ?

BertieBotts · 22/02/2022 07:02

This funnily enough always used to happen when I was trying to raise a point with my ex who was emotionally abusive.

It's not a typical trajectory for an adult discussion, it can be quite manipulative because it means the original issue never gets addressed.

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 07:07

Oh yes I had this every Friday night with an ex and I'd call him the next morning to apologise.
I've learned a lot since then..

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 07:40

Thank you for replies and insights. I'll try to give more info without giving details.

The argument we had about issue A is really serious for me, and important to me. It triggered past hurt from previous relationship which he knows. It was made worse and complicated by his issue, issue B, which is horrendous for him but nothing to do with me. He needs my support for issue B, it's along the lines of a family member being terminally ill (I'm not going to give more details). We don't live together and there have been several days since issue A because of issue B, so my personal upset has been growing in isolation and not resolved for several days. He is under immense stress from issue B. I couldn't get past issue A. He genuinely does deserve support for issue B, but pp is right, issue A will now never get talked about as the argument merged the two issues and his is bigger than mine. He knows how devastated I am about issue A. I have apologised for not supporting him when he needed me. He's not ready to hear that yet and he needs time because he feels let down. But I feel let down by him too. And I am not selfish for protecting myself and he has not recognised the huge hurt he caused me with issue A. And I don't think this can be talked about now without me coming across as selfish. So I either suck it up and keep apologising for my mistake without him ever apologising for his. Or I bring it up and risk losing the relationship altogether.

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LittleOwl153 · 22/02/2022 07:51

Was he involved in issue A so something he should have been at with you for example, or is I something just personal to you? E.g. about your job.

It sounds to me as though if he can't talk about it - especially if it is something he was involved in - as though hes using issue B as manipulation.

Tbh if he's not talking to you at all as he's 'not ready' anything shirt of the imminent death of a parent and I'd be ditching g him. Silent treatment is abuse. Why would younwant to continue with that?

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 07:58

His actions and decisions caused issue A. We both feel we are right with our opposite opinions. We can't change each others mind on this, I've been very hurt by his actions and he's very hurt by my reaction. He saw issue A and B connected, I didn't, but I can see his point of view now. But I'm still so hurt by issue A. Issue B is very raw and current for him.

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NinjaQueen · 22/02/2022 08:02

It sounds like he is using issue B to deflect attention from issue A so you don't have to discuss it.

Iloveacurry · 22/02/2022 08:09

So he’s blaming issue B on issue A, but he actually caused issue A.

He needs to also apologise for issue A surely?

You need to say that to he that you’ve apologised already, but he also has to as well. Then just leave it. Don’t contact him.

Nouveaunew · 22/02/2022 08:12

Talk to him @CorneliaDrum x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2022 08:14

How long is it since the argument?

Has he previously used issue B to excuse crappy behaviour, or is this the first time?

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:21

Issue A was a few days ago. Argument was last night. He left very upset. I tried to apologise but he left. I sent honest conciliatory messages last night, apologising. He isn't ready to talk to me yet and I haven't heard from him, I'm not sure I will today. I wish I could talk to him. He really did need my support with issue B last night, but I was stuck on issue A because it had been building in me for days. I hadn't eaten or slept properly because of it. We have both been left very sad and upset.

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Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:22

Issue B is recent and devastating.

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Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:22

Issue A cut me very deep

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Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2022 08:36

It really does depend on what sort of thing he did, I'm not trying to get you to say what it was but it could be something huge or something quite petty that somehow triggers you, and that would make a big difference as to who is in the right. I'm picturing a scenario where he forgot your anniversary because he was distracted by issue B, in which case you're extremely unreasonable and should apologise immediately because issue A is only important in your mind.

However: alternative scenario is that he did something pretty heinous ranging from deliberately breaking something you valued to physically attacking you, or perhaps worse, endangering a child or a pet. He might beg you to forgive him because of Issue B, but he doesn't have a right to insist you forget it ever happened and get on with nurturing him. Horrible things do happen in life, people we love do die, and anyone can be badly affected by it. That doesn't give permission to behave like complete assholes to everyone else, especially the people you rely on to give you support.

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:42

Issue A was a betrayal of my trust from my point of view (he disagrees). My hurt is from this, but also the days I was left between issue A and the argument, when he either ignored me or was very cold to me, because he had to prioritise issue B.

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FinallyFree2022 · 22/02/2022 08:45

When you say he's not ready to talk to you, do you mean he messaged to say thanks for the apology but I need space. I will be in touch. Or did he just go silent ?

Difference is huge imo.

Silent treatment isn't on regardless of any thing he's dealing with

BertieBotts · 22/02/2022 08:50

OK. I think there is just too much tangled up to be able to tease it all out.

He's recently bereaved of somebody it sounds like he was close to. That can cause people to do all kinds of things that aren't in character. I think you can cut a lot of slack when someone is grieving, that you wouldn't normally. That said, I wouldn't expect somebody to bring up the bereavement like a trump card.

OTOH it kind of depends, is issue A something that predates the bereavement, or has history predating it? Maybe it is an indicator of a relationship pattern that you're generally not happy with. Nevertheless it is probably not the time to address it right now.

How old is this relationship? Supporting your partner/husband of several years through a bereavement is just something that you would do obviously, but if the relationship is less than 6 months old it can be a bit intense and it would be more normal for him to withdraw and spend time with his family/friends who knew the person.

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:52

I think he has been under immense stress and hid a lot of that from me. This came out in the argument but I was still stuck on issue A. I should have supported him then. I think I need to give him space and hope he accepts my apology and let's me support him. I need to put my feelings aside with issue A for now, and discuss it another time once the heat has died down with issue B. Issue A goes against what I believe is right in a relationship and his behaviour since triggered a lot of insecurities for me so it does need to be addressed. I hate that he feels like this and I want to go to him but that will make it worse because he needs space. I want us to comfort each other but he needs the opposite. So I'm quite miserable. Thank you for all the replies, it is much appreciated.

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Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:54

He hasn't acknowledged my apology message from after the argument, he has just shut down.

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Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:55

But to be honest he probably went home and to sleep.

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FinallyFree2022 · 22/02/2022 08:55

Would Issue A be a big ticket item?. Eg sex without consent, physical violence or cheating maybe?

Original poster
CorneliaDrum · 22/02/2022 08:59

Not that extreme FinallyFree

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