When arguments change and you go from being in the right to being in the wrong

[CorneliaDrum]

I've had a huge argument with DH and I've messed up. I was 100% certain on my position, and was feeling very hurt about something, and then the conversation/argument changed and moved on and I should have been supportive about a different issue he has got going on but instead I was stuck feeling hurt and should have realised his issue was bigger and he needed my support. I've apologised but he's now not talking to me.

Issue A was a betrayal of my trust

@CorneliaDrum

Issue A was a few days ago. Argument was last night. He left very upset. I tried to apologise but he left. I sent honest conciliatory messages last night, apologising. He isn't ready to talk to me yet and I haven't heard from him, I'm not sure I will today. I wish I could talk to him. He really did need my support with issue B last night, but I was stuck on issue A because it had been building in me for days. I hadn't eaten or slept properly because of it. We have both been left very sad and upset.

Just give him, time, messaging him straight after is great, but you are both stuck in different mental places right now. He's retreated.

It's funny that this has come up.
I and my DW have only just spoken about something that has upset us both. This is 3 weeks (With a bit of back story) after the events. There's been no silent treatment, we live together and had a normal relationship, (With an uneasy underlying tension). But this morning both of us have had a fair and equal say in the matter. We just weren't ready to talk about it in a rational reasonable manner.
I was talking and she was avoiding, however, this morning we've both come to an understanding of each other's position. Doesn't mean that the emotional hurt is gone in an instant, it's just the beginning of letting the feelings dissipate.

These events can take time to unravel.

I'm glad not that extreme. It's hard to gauge without knowing what it is. As everyone's experience of what trust will be different. I totally get why you don't want to say.

I would also highlight this:

Or I bring it up and risk losing the relationship altogether.

If you are afraid that bringing up an issue will cause the relationship to be over, then you absolutely should bring it up. Relationships are supposed to be happy and mutually beneficial, if you are holding on or changing your behaviour because of fear that the relationship will end, that is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

This is kind of a mindset shift, because our culture has this idea that relationships are like a prize to be won or lost and held onto at all costs, but it's not a healthy way to look at things. Do you have compatible worldviews, do you enhance each other's lives, are you able to be yourself and totally relaxed with each other? There is no shame in ending a relationship that is incompatible.

@BertieBotts

I would also highlight this:

Or I bring it up and risk losing the relationship altogether.

If you are afraid that bringing up an issue will cause the relationship to be over, then you absolutely should bring it up. Relationships are supposed to be happy and mutually beneficial, if you are holding on or changing your behaviour because of fear that the relationship will end, that is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

This is kind of a mindset shift, because our culture has this idea that relationships are like a prize to be won or lost and held onto at all costs, but it's not a healthy way to look at things. Do you have compatible worldviews, do you enhance each other's lives, are you able to be yourself and totally relaxed with each other? There is no shame in ending a relationship that is incompatible.

Agree with this.

You should be able to bring up an issue and discuss it at anytime without fear. It sounds like he's done something that didn't match your beliefs / values at all. And he's not prepared to even discuss it.

Even if he's got shit going on - he can still say- let's discuss it another time thanks for the message etc.

This thread reminds me so much of how it was with my ex H. Emotionally abusive / manipulative/ controlling. All very subtle - would come out in ways you've mentioned.

Your response to his lack of response ie feeling like you've messed up etc but you still standby your hurt over his actions on issue A sets of my sense of it being familiar to my past.

Stand by your beliefs. You can do this and support him. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

My boyfriend usually blames me for starting arguments but it's always him raising his voice and sulking and silent treating me. My example is

Boyfriend takes tablets for pain. They knock him out. He said before taking the tablet he would cook for me around 6pm. I call him at 5pm to say I'm leaving soon. He answers half asleep. He is moody. Disorientated. Asks me what I'm doing. Tells me he doesn't think he will want to eat. I said OK well do you want to go back to sleep and ill stay home. He gets angry and says. We arranged this earlier so why are you now saying you won't come. I try to explain I understand he's in pain, tired and isn't going to want to be awake and doing much. That makes it worse. He ends up falling out with me.

You have to be very aware of the pattern and why its happening before blaming yourself. Some men are so clever at making out you are a bad guy.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. There's a lot to think about. It's very lonely being in a prolonged argument with your partner, the one person who normally helps you find clarity and gives you comfort when dealing with difficult things. It's really helpful to have a sounding board here. Thank you.

@CorneliaDrum

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. There's a lot to think about. It's very lonely being in a prolonged argument with your partner, the one person who normally helps you find clarity and gives you comfort when dealing with difficult things. It's really helpful to have a sounding board here. Thank you.

I hope you find a solution. You shouldn't have to feel like this and you don't have to feel like this.

I kind of disagree with some PP here.

So from your updates he's done something that you say has betrayed your trust (and brought up insecurities from past relationships) but he disagrees that he's done anything wrong (and it's nothing like violence / cheating?). He's got something going on at the same time with a relative with a terminal illness / just passed?

I think there's definitely a time and a place for bringing up issues like yours, but the time and place IMO isn't after stewing for a few days in your own head and at the same time when your partner is going through a really difficult time in their life as well.

I'd be seriously hurt if I was dealing with a terminally ill relative / recent bereavement and my DH decided it was an appropriate time to tell me I'd betrayed his trust by doing something that brought up his issues from past relationships. I wouldn't understand what he would hope to gain from this - I wouldn't be in the right headspace to process it, and he'd just be adding weight to an already tough time.

@ohhooh This is what I think has happened. And why I have apologised to him, and will do so again when he is ready to hear from me. My defences are very high, and issue A does need to be dealt with, but issue B is more important right now. Issue A will have to wait. It wasn't my choice to wait several days to talk about it, and that made things worse and made feelings run deeper.

Issue A and B are a little connected, I didn't bring up random things to pick a fight about. But issue B needs my support. I've had very low self esteem and poor boundaries before, and promised myself I would not let myself be treated badly again. However life isn't that simple, this isn't a pattern of behaviour on his part, and in a relationship there will be times of give and take. It feels like such a mess.

@CorneliaDrum

Issue A and B are a little connected, I didn't bring up random things to pick a fight about. But issue B needs my support. I've had very low self esteem and poor boundaries before, and promised myself I would not let myself be treated badly again. However life isn't that simple, this isn't a pattern of behaviour on his part, and in a relationship there will be times of give and take. It feels like such a mess.

It's like you said, relationships are give and take and this isn't a pattern of behaviour (to be a red flag). In this instance I'd genuinely just take a step back, give them some space to figure out their own issues and wait until a better time to bring it up. Don't be hard on yourself though - I'm assuming you brought it up because you thought it was the best thing to do, there's nothing wrong with that at all. There's also nothing wrong with your partner stepping back to deal with their issues too.

Hopefully you'll both be able to get to a better place soon!

Can I advise you to stop apologising. You have said sorry. He's ignored you. You've said it again, and he's still ignoring you. So he knows you are sorry. If he is a decent person, he will be aware of your apology, and he will let you know that. If he isn't a decent person - and is deliberately punishing you by ignoring you - then he doesn't deserve any more apologies.

I could be wrong, and it could be that issue B is so dreadfully awful that he is totally consumed by that, but it reads as though he is punishing you for mentioning something he did wrong.

It reads as though this is all one way - you making all the effort / doing all the apoligising and all the supporting. He's ignoring you and making you feel bad, and ignoring what he did wrong. He is sweeping issue A (and your feelings) under the carpet to be ignored. He's ignoring you because you pointed out he was at fault and he's now deflecting to take attention away from that and make you the bad guy. He hopes you'll shut up about issue A and never mention it again. If you try to, he'll find another reason to ignore you until you learn the lesson (which is to never question or criticise him).

As I said, I realise I could be unfair as I don't know the circumstances, but in a loving relationship you don't ignore the other person / refuse to speak to them / refuse to consider an apology / leave them feeling bad deliberately.

And then there's the thing he did wrong in the first place. Don't overlook that. You may want to park it up while he deals with issue B, but it's still important that you have a full discussion and (if appropriate) you receive an apology from him, the same way you're happy to apologise to him.

His actions and decisions caused issue A. We both feel we are right with our opposite opinions. We can't change each others mind on this, I've been very hurt by his actions and he's very hurt by my reaction.

Is issue A something that could be subjective? For example I've seen people on here react like their whole world has been destroyed if their partner looks at porn, whereas for other people it would be a non issue, or is it something that would be considered completely wrong in all relationships?

Communication is now regular but with no warmth. We are meeting up over the weekend. He is being very reserved and there is zero affection. He is clearly very upset with me still.

I won't be able to bring up issue A for a while. It is subjective in the way different people have different ideas about what cheating is to them (it's not cheating that's just an example, I'm being deliberately vague). People have their own boundaries, this crossed mine. It made me feel worthless, but I recognise that is a strong reaction.

What I'm struggling with now is how unequal it is. He is in control of taking the space he needs. My style of coping with hurt and upset is I need to talk, to get reassurance and to resolve. But I can't do that without him, so he is in control of that too, and he has retreated. I'm not saying he's controlling deliberately, what I mean is our communication styles and needs are completely opposite when dealing with conflict. So he is getting what he needs and I am in pieces. He is the person I would talk to about everything. I am lost and hurting about issue A, and hurting about not being there enough for him about issue B and I can't make it up to him.

My instinct is to keep apologising and tell him I love him repeatedly. But I know that is the wrong thing and it could push him away if he's not ready. I would be overcompensating and forcing him to meet my needy affection levels and he isn't ready to do that, I think it would have the opposite effect. I'm trying not to be too much. He doesn't have capacity to deal with my emotions because of issue B. I apologised sincerely immediately after the argument and first thing the next morning. And I'm matching his efforts with communication and we have said I love you. But it isn't the same, and I know I need to give him time. But it's so hard when all I need is a hug.

I'm not sure what it's going to be like when we see each other at the weekend. I'm nervous and worried about how we will be around each other. We normally hug and kiss when we greet each other, which is normally a lovely reunion as we don't live together. I think I'm going to get a very muted welcome.

As many others have said, it's very difficult when we don't know how serious Issue A really is. Having said that, you have apologised and chosen to disregard your feelings of hurt re Issue A and yet you are still being punished with silent treatment etc. So unless Issue B is that his mum died completely unexpected 3 days ago, I think you need to be pretty careful as it sounds to me like he's making it clear that you are not "allowed" to make mistakes, justified or not, ever. Which will set you up for a situation where 1. you consistently do not acknowledge your own feelings and needs if he doesn't think they're valid and 2. you walk on eggshells in order to ensure you never upset him as if you do you will be punished.

Unfortunately, this pattern where one person may genuinely have a reason to be upset but then (supposedly) does something that isn't okay x100 which then immediately deletes the original thing is quite common. I saw it consistently with SIL and BIL where his behaviour was consistently swept under the rug while she prostrated herself because she'd dared to raise her voice to him or something and he was "angry and hurt".

It doesn't sound good.

This is sounding very one sided.

You have apologised. Your needs have not been met. Your hurt has been ignored. Your concern has been ignored.

I think you've spotted all the compromise has been on your side.

He's not saying 'look, I know you're upset, I'm really sorry, I just can't deal with it at the moment'.
He's not saying 'ok, that's awful, just let me sort out my situation first and then I'll really think hard about it, ok?'
He's not saying 'I totally disagree but I can't explain or reassure you at the moment because im struggling with *whatever. I'll try and explain/ reassure you later'.

He's upset you, then moved straight on to expecting you to support him unreservedly with no apology, no reassurance etc.

If I were him, I'd apologise for upsetting you even if I didn't agree, and clear the air so we could get on with the latest problem.

Regardless of whatever issue A and B is all about.

He hasn’t respected your FEELINGS.

He’s deflected the situation to HIS feelings about a linked issue and is now giving you the silent treatment because you don’t agree with him?

So he’s brushed your feelings under the carpet in favour of the attention being on him?

That’s what I’m reading.

And, if that’s the case, it’s a bigger issue than whatever A or B is.

Trust is a fundamental thing and if he’s betrayed your trust and then dismissed your feelings and concerns that doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship. He’s basically letting you know your feelings don’t matter to him.

Like I say, that’s how I’m reading it.