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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex with ex dh

32 replies

Onelastgo22 · 22/02/2022 01:54

Dh and I seperated middle of last year.
I still love him very much, but things had become too much and I said we should seperate.
I have always left the space for him, to step up and do better.
He has let me down, alot.
We got close over Christmas, but he did the usual and let me down again.
We were intimate on Sunday, at his instigation.
Since then I can't help but feel used.
I thought he had maybe heard and understood my needs, which I have made really clear, but since then he has been quite cold.
I don't understand.
Should I raise this with him, or accept he has treat me as a booty call and just ignore and try to move on?
I still feel so married, I can't let go.

OP posts:
BeckonCall · 22/02/2022 02:00

If he hasn't shown any signs of considering your feelings or caring about you outside of satisfying his sexual urges then he's using you.

That is cruel, uncaring behaviour and you are worth more than that.

It sounds like you need a cleaner break for your own sanity and well-being.

Onthedunes · 22/02/2022 02:38

@BeckonCall

I agree, this is hurting you.

You have let your defences down, tusted him and been hurt again.

He needs to step up before you trust him again to be intimate with.
Keep strong, know your worth.

RantyAunty · 22/02/2022 03:02

Seems he's using you for sex when he feels like it.

The way to move on from this is to cut him out of your life. Block him on everything and file for the divorce.

Write a list of all the rotten things he's done to you over the years, and when your heart tugs at you, take the list and read it over and over until the feeling passes.

Then invest time in yourself and friends. Improve your finances, plan fun things to do.

Once you do that, there will come a time where you hardly think of him at all.

Monty27 · 22/02/2022 03:05

Love is happiness not hurt.
Move on OP.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 03:08

Very hard to let go but you have to.

How cruel to sleep with you and then go cold afterwards

No one should ever be made to feel like they were just a booty call in this situation.

I would imagine he knows that you love him very much, so it's so so cruel to do this.

You deserve better!

Pavlova31 · 22/02/2022 06:32

You certainly do deserve better Op .

Freddy12 · 22/02/2022 07:43

Really sounds like he used you for sex
Has to be a flat no way next time as this will just hurt more and more

Adeleskirts · 22/02/2022 07:50

Sounds like you seperated to try to manipulate him into becoming who you want, and still wish to be married to him.

But he’s not who you want him to be and never will be. Yes he used you for sex. It’s a power trip. He did because he could. He’s making it clear though, he’s not going to do or be who you want.

Make your mind up op.

Original poster
Onelastgo22 · 22/02/2022 08:17

I know you're all right. I just can't seem to stop loving him, no matter how badly he has treated me.

I feel so stupid. He gaslights me alot, so i know if I riase this he will make it my fault.

Maybe it is. I suppose I seem indecisive because I allow him to step in, in the hope that he can prove that he thinks more of me and our family life than was evident when i said we should split, but haven't let him back home, because the same behaviour always comes to light.

I'm abit of a mess at the moment. I never wanted this and feel incredibly sad.

OP posts:
evrey · 22/02/2022 09:06

Been there my friend. Don't give relationship perks to someone you arnt in a relationship with.
You are making it easy for him to disrespect you.

MunchyMonsters · 22/02/2022 10:06

You deserve much better. File for divorce. Don't raise this with him because he doesn't give a shit about you and it will only hurt you more.

It gets easier. Flowers

Original poster
Onelastgo22 · 22/02/2022 10:15

I did raise it with him and he did use me for sex.

I feel absolutely dreadful. I can't believe that he can be so cold to me when all I've ever asked him for was love and respect.

I feel like it was one last power move, to have sex with me and drop me.

I wish I'd never asked.

OP posts:
PerditaPerdita · 22/02/2022 10:48

He's getting back at you. In a miserable way. And continuing to assert his territory.

You know you can't do it. But I understand you want some resolution emotionally.

I'd just cease contact with him for now.

AubadeIsIt · 22/02/2022 10:54

It's all recent and fresh - things will get so much better with timeThanks

CornishGem1975 · 22/02/2022 10:55

You're allowing him to use and hurt you. You have the control and the power to put a stop to it.

Colderthanever · 22/02/2022 10:58

Op, I mean this gently but you need to stop playing games here. Splitting up to try to force him to be whay you want, having sex with secret ties, hoping again it’s to make him what you want.

You had consensual sex, if it had conditions you need to speak up, before you had sex.

Manipulation is not going to work. You need to use your words. If the answer is no, then no amount of game playing is going to change that,

I’m sorry to be so straight talking, but you’re just causing yourself untold pain.

candycane222 · 22/02/2022 11:08

Well you know what you need to know now don't you. Shows you you were right to split earlier because he wasn't treating you right, and he has just added a great fat extra offense to the charge sheet. Its horrible,but at least it's clear.

BuddhaForMary · 22/02/2022 11:11

I've allowed this to happen a few times with exh since we separated. Only for him to turn cold again a few days after. It took me a little while to realise I was only hurting myself by letting it happen. Believe me, the first time you turn him down is the turning point. The more you can disengage the better Thanks

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 11:17

I know you're all right. I just can't seem to stop loving him, no matter how badly he has treated me.

I feel so stupid. He gaslights me alot, so i know if I riase this he will make it my fault.

You are not stupid. You are brave & resourceful: you recognised your ex's abusive behaviour & ended the relationship.

This feeling of not being able to stop loving him - despite the fact that you know he's a mean twat - is Trauma Bonding. Understanding a little more about the dynamic of that will help you.
As will another withdrawal from this man.
He is using you - get angry! Don't allow yourself to be his plaything.
www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136

I feel like it was one last power move, to have sex with me and drop me.
Probably.
But you have your own power. Take it back.
Do you have DC - is there any reason you need to be in contact with him again?

Original poster
Onelastgo22 · 22/02/2022 11:45

I haven't meant to be manipulative.

I just thought he wouldn't have sex with me if he didn't love me, when he knows that I still love him.

I've tried so many times to get him to understand how I feel, but he just blames everything on me.

We have 2 dc and I have facilitated frequent contact in the home so I've felt very much married.

We seperated as he didn't seem to have a very high opinion of me, he didn't prioritise our family and I felt he didn't respect me.

I was hopeful that he would set out to prove that wasn't the case.

I've been very naive. It's so painful.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 22/02/2022 11:53

You are not naive or stupid! You are hurting and really wanting him to be who you need him to be.

I've played this game for years with my ex. I can tell you the feeling of saying no you are not right for me is so much better than having sex and regretting it

Time will make this better but you need distance and closure

😘

Joystir59 · 22/02/2022 12:03

Rip the plaster off OP, and start to build up your self and your life. I guarantee that although you feel devastated at the moment, as soon as you genuinely close the door on this ex relationship you will start to glimpse a feeling of having control over your life, your feelings. Glimpses of new hope and possibility.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 12:15

I've tried so many times to get him to understand how I feel, but he just blames everything on me.
He's not a man of husband calibre then. I imagine he's gaslit, blamed, & refused to hear you for years

We have 2 dc and I have facilitated frequent contact in the home so I've felt very much married.
You need to stop this - pronto.
You are very much NOT married, & for your own & the DC's sake you need to stop acting as if you are.
Every time your ex comes to your home, you are again caught in the dynamic of his abusive behaviours.
You need space from him to truly heal.
It is time to cease all communication with him except that which relates to DC contact arrangements. He must collect them & entertain them at his own house, or elsewhere.
This 'halfway house' where he still has access to your home & your mind is what is keeping you enmeshed & unable to properly free yourself.

We seperated as he didn't seem to have a very high opinion of me, he didn't prioritise our family and I felt he didn't respect me.
Good reasons to separate. Good reasons to keep it that way.

I was hopeful that he would set out to prove that wasn't the case.
All that you have proved is that he is exactly the same nasty bastard you were married to, & that he will take a 'free shag' if it's going, while remaining a nasty bastard.

Have you done The Freedom programme? - Highly recommended -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Onthedunes · 22/02/2022 13:34

He has gone, you are separated but how separate are you?

How would he feel if you found another partner?

It looks like he's still keeping tabs on you, yet being allowed to enjoy the single life with this seapration.

Truly you need to keep him well away from the family home if you want to move on.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2022 13:55

We have 2 dc and I have facilitated frequent contact in the home so I've felt very much married.

Next time when he comes round to see the kids, you need to go out and leave him to it

Say you'll be back at X o'clock. Don't tell him where you're going. Just go. You being in the house makes it easier for him.

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