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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone’s abusive ex go on to have a normal relationship then you left thinking why me?

44 replies

Justnotme1 · 21/02/2022 08:13

I’m pretty sure my ex is in a normal relationship, I guess that’s hard to say as mine probably appeared normal.

I also thought abuse was 100% the fault of the abuser but if they not abusing the next I I’m wondering if it was something just wrong with the relationship. Or perhaps they in the love bombing stage although mine started from the very beginning really.

OP posts:
ItsCanardBruv · 21/02/2022 08:18

I thought he’d gone “normal”, but the kids tell me it’s a war-zone littered with (her) cries of “this is MY house and everything in it is MINE”.

Apparently STILL an aggressive, moody bellend.

Lubeyboobyalt · 21/02/2022 08:21

you're on the outside looking in - they do a lot to maintain a 'normal looking' facade and abuse takes a while to build too

block and stop looking, or if people are telling you, tell them not to or stop hanging around with them

Bagelsandbrie · 21/02/2022 08:22

Oh they’re still abusive I think, you just don’t see it. Leopards don’t change their spots.

forlornlorna · 21/02/2022 08:27

You can just never tell. My ex went on to have lots of short lived relationships which were drama filled and abusive (two of them reached out to me for advice). Then he remarried. From the outside things looked great. Were married for years. He's one of these blokes that everyone thinks is great, funny, charming and soft. But I know he's a monster and these men can't hide it forever. His marriage ended and once again he's got everyone believing it was her cheating etc that ended it.

They do say you don't know what goes on behind closed doors don't they x

Aposterhasnoname · 21/02/2022 08:31

I can 100% guarantee nothings changed. My ex’s second wife reached out to me after they spilt. What had looked perfect on Facebook etc, was in fact an exact rerun of what I’d been through, even down to the exact same insults he slung at her.

JustJam4Tea · 21/02/2022 08:33

Leopards don’t change their spots….

NewtoHolland · 21/02/2022 08:34

It isn't normal. It's just invisible.

GeodesicDome · 21/02/2022 08:36

How much of the abuse you suffered was visible to observers?

User135644 · 21/02/2022 08:36

In my experience men like this never have any trouble getting women because they charm them. The facade does slip.

wingscrow · 21/02/2022 08:50

No, it's nothing to do with you!

You can also never tell what goes on behind close doors.

Men like that are usually very charming to the outside world so always manage to attract a new woman. Then they will trick their new partner for a while until they are hooked. That's when he will show his true nature and revert to being abusive.

They never change.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 21/02/2022 08:52

Mine has had no contact with his child for quite a few years now it’s in the courts but taking ages. I’m pretty sure he has moved in a lady and her child…. I find this confusing. He must be behaving for someone to move in a child with a man who hasn’t been allowed to see his other child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnotme1 · 21/02/2022 08:55

I suffered a lot by his hands because I wasn’t a very cooperative wife really. Perhaps this lady is much more co operative then me. Well I tried to be co operative but it was never enough, he literally wanted a shrine to his name.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/02/2022 08:56

If he is “behaving” it won’t be for long.
Plus did you want to keep him by being “co operative”?

bowchicawowwow · 21/02/2022 08:58

@Justnotme1 There seems to be no shortage of women who are happy to let a man who doesn't see or pay for his birth children be stepdad to their kids. it's beyond me too.

user1471538283 · 21/02/2022 09:05

No they do not change. My ex went from me to a lady with children that according to him he gave them everything; it didn't last and he didn't. He didn't give his own child anything though because his reasoning is that it is the woman you are keeping on side ....

BlingLoving · 21/02/2022 09:57

@Justnotme1

Mine has had no contact with his child for quite a few years now it’s in the courts but taking ages. I’m pretty sure he has moved in a lady and her child…. I find this confusing. He must be behaving for someone to move in a child with a man who hasn’t been allowed to see his other child.
Except that it's very unlikely she knows nothing of this. He might not have told her he has a child at all. Or, more likely, he's told her that he can't see the child because you have poisoned the child/the courts/the world against him and so he's devastated that he's missing out on seeing his child but what can he do...!?

You fell for his crap, why on earth would another woman not do the same?

I know a man who had a whole sob story about how his finances were screwed because his ex had treated him badly etc etc etc. We all believed him. 10 years later, the pattern is playing out again and the next woman is going to hear all kinds of stories about her that the rest of us know are untrue. What can you do? These men get away with it.

Mermaidwaves · 21/02/2022 10:38

Me! My exH was very abusive, to the point that my self esteem and confidence was totally destroyed, I don't believe I am worthy of love. However him and the OW who he is now happily shacked up with....hunky dory Angry she's younger than me, more attractive and has one baby already, another on the way all within 2 years of us splitting. He can't stop beaming and literally has a spring in his step, he has a brand new shiny family.

I can't stop thinking it was me that caused his abuse. He hated my appearance and a lot of the abuse was centred around me not being slim or pretty. I always used to think that he would be horrible to any woman but this is untrue, it's me he couldn't stand. It's very hard to accept and I struggle with it a lot but I guess in some cases the dynamic is different with various couples. I don't want the OW to suffer how I did, but it sticks in my throat that she's got the best of him.

NewtoHolland · 21/02/2022 10:39

@Justnotme1

I suffered a lot by his hands because I wasn’t a very cooperative wife really. Perhaps this lady is much more co operative then me. Well I tried to be co operative but it was never enough, he literally wanted a shrine to his name.
Don't give him the headspace. You suffered because he is abusive. What steps are you taking to move forwards with your life? Have you been able to access the Freedom Program or similar cause it sounds like you aren't quite free yet. But one day you will be and there is so much to look forwards to Flowers
Triffid1 · 21/02/2022 10:49

I can't stop thinking it was me that caused his abuse. He hated my appearance and a lot of the abuse was centred around me not being slim or pretty. I always used to think that he would be horrible to any woman but this is untrue, it's me he couldn't stand.

Well, even if that was true, it doesn't justify his behaviour.

More importantly, just because YOU think she's slim and pretty, doesn't mean he doesn't have a lovely big stick to beat her with (metaphorically). It's entirely possible that he'll be giving her similar issues - perhaps policing what she eats or insisting she always looks slim and pretty or any number of tactics he used on you, just applied differently. A v good friend of mine was with a man who banged on and on about her apppearance. The really really sad thing is that she was genuinely gorgeous, great figure, slim, active etc. But he still had her convinced she wasn't....

Mermaidwaves · 21/02/2022 11:02

@Triffid1
You could well be right, I know a woman's appearance is the be all and end all for him. He just seems to be glowing now and I feel sad that he didn't feel like that about me, despite being together over 20 years, pathetic I know!

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 21/02/2022 11:05

I’ve done the freedom programme and some counselling. It’s just that picking feeling like did it really happen. If I could see he is doing it again it would some how validate it all.

OP posts:
DrDetriment · 21/02/2022 11:06

I'm seeing it from the other side. My DH was accused of years of emotional abuse by his ex and the courts believed her. I think the dynamics between them were terrible and on one occasion they slapped each other (she admits she hit him first) so he was also branded a domestic abuser.
In all the years though that he and I have been together there has been not one incident of any type of abuse. I've had therapy and am very aware of the signs and I'm not being gaslighted. He is genuinely a loving, kind partner with me. He is autistic and finds it very difficult to be anything other than straight forward. There was something in their dynamic that brought out the worst in each other and something in ours that brings out the best. She genuinely thinks she was abused though and I am not calling her a liar. That's her view.
Their children, who I am very close to, say it wasn't quite like that though and not only was their mum very nasty at times, it was the two of them that didn't work. The children are much happier now their parents aren't together and spend increasing amounts of time with us. So yes an 'abuser' can sometimes go on to have perfectly normal, loving relationships.

Original poster
Justnotme1 · 21/02/2022 11:11

During court they label it as relationship issues and conflict. They have listened and done safeguarding checks but he is coming across as lovely really. And now what with this new family it will all fall onto place. Perhaps he is doing it on purpose to make himself look squeaky clean. Will my child actually be safe when it comes to access. I wish I could get some answers.

OP posts:
ugifletzet · 21/02/2022 11:11

I thought my abusive ex had a normal relationship with the woman after me. I blamed myself too. This is a common consequence of abuse - you're conditioned to see yourself as the problem.

That other woman ended up in a psychiatric hospital with severe PTSD. He broke her arm, which is more physical violence than he ever used on me. The verbal and emotional violence was exactly the same. I know this because she and I are now friends. It looked like they had a great relationship from the outside but behind closed doors he was exactly the same as he'd always been.

Sundancerintherain · 21/02/2022 11:14

Men like this won't tell the new squeeze that they are shit fathers, they twist the narrative so the evil , psycho ex has cruelly kept the DC from them .

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