Anyone’s abusive ex go on to have a normal relationship then you left thinking why me?

[Justnotme1]

I’m pretty sure my ex is in a normal relationship, I guess that’s hard to say as mine probably appeared normal.

I also thought abuse was 100% the fault of the abuser but if they not abusing the next I I’m wondering if it was something just wrong with the relationship. Or perhaps they in the love bombing stage although mine started from the very beginning really.

I’m quite curious as to how my ex has spun things for his new girlfriend (I already know he’s reframed me dumping him for cheating as a “mutual breakup”), but I know for a fact he can’t change. He’ll be nice for a bit then go back to his lying, gaslighting ways.

I do believe in people changing, but only so much.

My ex was totally up front about it from the start and showed me what his ex had said about him. I also met his ex so she also had the opportunity to tell me herself. Not all 'men like this won't tell the new squeeze'.

I felt this and then realised that by wondering 'Perhaps it was something about me?' I was continuing the abuse dynamic, in my own head, all by myself, without the abuser even being part of my life any more.

Forget about it. When you're with a person you're compatible with, none of this stuff comes up. Call it abuse, call it incompatibility, it doesn't matter. The abuser has their life, you have yours. If you continue to let their past and current behaviours get their teeth into you, you are over involved. Fill all your time doing things you love, that make you happy. Crowd out the thoughts of the ex with smiles and fulfillment that you've provided for yourself. Let them have their fun; it's not your responsibility in life to have a successful relationship with that person; it's your responsibility to have a healthy relationship with you, and that doesn't include a 'Was it just me?', self-blaming attitude.

You were being you, he was being him, and it felt like shit, so you're not with him now. That's the full story. You don't have to bring blame into it or analyse any personalities.

I'm recently replaying and wondering about this. My slightly older ex lovebombed me from the day we met, proposed etc and as a naive 19 year old I was completely in love with it all, although it was so, so abusive, manipulated me into a termination, in the end it got physical when I argued back when he'd cheated, again, and I moved country because I knew I'd always go back otherwise. He made the physical abuse seem like it was from passion or loving me too much. A couple of years after me he met another woman (after having a child with a different one) and he's been with her for a decade it seems. They seem happy. She seems nice, seems to love his daughter. I can't help wondering why wasn't he that for me, what was so wrong with me, am I the toxic one? He isolated me from every friend, kept me in a little box whilst he did whatever he liked, he made me feel I did everything wrong. I sometimes think I still love the man I know he can be, because as pathetic as it sounds, he was really amazing when we were happy.

My ex was a cheater . I kept things together because I wanted the kids to have a stable life, but eventually it got so bad that I had to call an end to it. He met another woman within 6 weeks of us separating, and I'd have bet money that he'd spoil things very soon. But nearly 20 years later they are still together, and when I see them ( ie once a year at Christmas) they seem happy enough. He is chronically ill and she appears happy to be his carer - maybe that's why things worked out so well, he is too ill to cheat any more.

Things are almost certainly not as they seem - but I know how you feel. My abusive ex was awful, and led me on through the years with promises of marriage and babies, only to 'change his mind' and say he didn't want that, but he loved me so much so I couldn't leave him.

Fastforward 6 years and he's married with kids, in a relationship that looks wonderful - from the outside.

It makes me wonder what I did wrong, but at the same time I hope for the sake of his wife and kids he HAS changed.

People seldom change though circumstances can change, either the new partner can be more or less tolerant with the power and resources to stand up for themselves. Occasionally, ill health or age can take the edge or build dependence by an abuser but they usually retain their nastiness. Usually, it takes time for their personality to pollute or grind down their new partner. Sometimes two awful people meet then the results can be unpredictable.

Hope your happy new life works out well as that is best for you and it's the one thing an abuser hates that their ex survived and is happier without them.

Abusers don't change, some just get better at hiding it.

I can 100% confirm that sometimes it is just a toxic relationship that does not work. My DH was in a very toxic relationship, with violence from her, witnessed by the children and others. She made sure everyone thought he was the problem and then she had an affair with his best friend.

I can honestly say in the 7 years we have been together we have not had a single shouting match, or any aggression, we are both extremely happy, as are the children. They were just toxic together. No red flags. Nothing.

@Justnotme1

I’ve done the freedom programme and some counselling. It’s just that picking feeling like did it really happen. If I could see he is doing it again it would some how validate it all.

There would be something else though, and then something else... The thing is I think with abusive relationships they consume so much of us, you have to always be on high alert and always be thinking about it to keep yourself surviving and safe. So it's natural when it comes to an end that its a habit that he takes up so much of your headspace. But to move forwards you will at some point have to set yourself free from this focus on him, even though it's easier said than done. Whatever the truths of his current relationship and the fact is it is most likely to be another abusive one, you might never get to hear the truth about it, it's not something you can have a role in or really have the power to find out much about and that is really, really hard. What are the next steps in your recovery? Are you still attending any support groups that might help? How can you address your self doubt and give yourself the validation that his behaviour will never truly give you. What do you want to change in your own life at the moment? What brings you happiness and enjoyment? What do you want tomorrow to look like?

It's your time now to learn to focus on you and give yourself what it is you need, self compassion, validation, building a life where he is a tiny speck not the sun which everything must revolve around.

I often wondered if it was just our relationship but then all his previous relationships have been toxic. Either drugs and some very aggressive with violence. I was his first relationship in this country. I was very different from his previous relationships I’m much more softer. I think he liked it but he couldn’t keep his aggressiveness out of it.

I feel he used me .

I don’t really want to know so much for me it’s more is he going to do it when he eventually gets to see his child. If it was just our relationship then perhaps he is not like it now and our child will be safe. If it’s not our relationship and it’s him then our child will not be safe.

My abusive ex looked to have a normal relationship, married in Antigua, got a dog, then have a baby, all looked rosey. My friend, who is also friends with his 'new' wife tells me his wife is miserable, she works and does everything, all the night wakings, child rearing, housework etc and he's still an abusive arse

I used to think this, but someone else pointed out to me that it was well hidden when it was me, so it's likely to be the same situation. Which I do feel sad about

Who can help keep your little one safe? Have you anyone from CAFCASS involved or woman's aid?

What’s normal? And I say that genuinely. Everyone’s baseline of normal differs hugely based on their environment/ upbringing/ culture etc.

I do think some people are out and out abusers. With deeply unhealthy ingrained thinking patterns and behaviours, especially in the realm of intimate relationships, that will eventually always out. Albeit increasingly behind closed doors if they have become deeply adept at hiding their behaviours.

With others? I think behaviours can be situational. Either perhaps of something that has happened recently in their life or because there is something within the relationship in terms of compatibility. That lack of compatibility could make one relationship deeply argumentative and the next absolutely not.

The difference I think comes down to how much of the ‘toxic’ behaviour is deeply ingrained vs situational within an existing relationship. The latter can also become easier for some people to navigate once they mature.

Personally? I just take the view that if that person didn’t make me happy, it wasn’t for me. If they are now making someone else happy - good. I wouldn’t wish an abusive individual on my worst enemy. Mine has given me a vital life lesson but it’s changed me forever

I get that @Sassbott that makes a lot of sense. My ex always said I was too sensitive and I feel I’m fine with my sensitivity. Too him I was too sensitive because he was very bully like and didn’t really acknowledge people’s feelings. His sensitivity is normal to him and mine normal to me. I should have moved on and met someone who matched my own sensitivity.

In his country people he said people where much more tougher then here in the uk and women fought back more, I’m not a fighter at all. But then he said he “chose” me for my kindness then proceeded to bully his way through the relationship. I always felt I was a show for his family like he picked a good egg instead of all the previous bad ones. But he didn’t know how to treat a good egg.

I think they just learn from their mistakes and get better at hiding it, from the next woman and from the outside world. I think maybe they also change tack, if you know what I mean? My ex found my weak spots and attacked those, but for his ex's or future women, it could be different weak spots. So while it might seem that he's happy with her because he's not attacking her for the things he attacked you for, he'll have found something else, that might not be so obvious to you.