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Original poster

How to have a relationship when there's no trust?

28 replies

Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 08:04

My DH is a liar. He lied about paying off his overdraft and a loan (which he never told me about in the first place). It's not about the money or amounts but rather about the lying to my face. There have been other actions in the past that have made me distrust him, but moved on, but now we're here and I don't believe most of what he says. He says he's committed to regain my trust, but I don't even know how he can do that? We've had abad weekend after I came back from a business trip because I'm snappy and I'm easily irritated by him..

OP posts:
ohhooh · 21/02/2022 08:39

Honestly, that level of distrust / lies, I couldn't come back from that sort of dishonesty. If he can lie about that sort of thing (that could impact both of you, especially finances) I'm not sure what you can trust from him. You'll always have the doubt, and is it worth living like that? You should be able to trust your DH to be honest about everything, it's not like he's lying about getting a McDonald's or cheating on a diet - it's huge things to lie about. Especially looking in your eyes and lying to you, it's disrespectful to you and your relationship. If you're finding him irritating, it sounds like you've lost respect for him too.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 11:17

That's the problem, if he's lied about that, he could have lied about so many others... Yesterday for the first time I just didn't feel like being next to him.

OP posts:
Wednesdayat · 21/02/2022 11:26

Without trust there's nothing.

Watchkeys · 21/02/2022 11:41

Your snappy irritable response to him is your core self putting up a boundary. It'll do this whenever anybody lies to you. In fact, I'd imagine you're generally of the opinion that if someone routinely lies to you they can get lost, but you're married to this one so you're having to tone down your instinctive response.

Your instinctive response is what you need to listen to though: it's who you really are. If you don't respect that, where do you think your self respect is?

If you're having an 'Oh, just get lost' response to him, tell him that's how you feel. You don't keep over-riding your instinct and try to have a successful relationship: you allow yourself to be guided by your instinct, which, in this situation, is telling you that you want to be away from him.

Relationship means 'relating to each other'. You can't relate to how he behaves, so, no relationship can continue.

Helocariad · 21/02/2022 11:45

Listen to your gut. If your gut tells you you don't want to be near him, that's your sense of self preservation (some people call it the Inner Warrior) springing into action. It's telling you it's safer for you not to be near him.

Can you take some time away from the relationship OP? Are there children involved?

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 11:57

Last night, after we talked, I wanted to be around him again, but then this morning I had no patience and was super irritable,my emotions are all over the place. We have a 2yo together but I have no local support network.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2022 12:25

You can't have a relationship without trust.

Just walk away now and save yourself more heartache and stress. And debt!

Watchkeys · 21/02/2022 13:33

@Alwaysforgiving

Last night, after we talked, I wanted to be around him again, but then this morning I had no patience and was super irritable,my emotions are all over the place. We have a 2yo together but I have no local support network.
A relationship can only be judged by what happens when things go wrong. Having good times is possible in a relationship with any amount of poor treatment. Successfully navigating bad times whilst maintaining the together feeling is how you know you have a good relationship.

'Sometimes I want to be around him' isn't really a healthy relationship. You're missing the basics... faith in his goodness, his honesty, his clear communication. These are essentials, not excessive demands.

Our emotions go 'all over the place' when someone keeps crossing our boundaries and we keep ignoring the feeling that gives us. Part of us feels like screaming, and the other part is telling that part to shut up. So we get extremes of mood. Listen to the screaming. Respect what it's telling you: you're not ok with this. You're not ok with him. Healthy relationships don't cultivate inner screams or extremes of emotions. They cultivate a feeling of safety and security. Comfort, contentedness.

somanylies · 21/02/2022 13:41

Personally I couldn't if he is repeated liar. You sound like you have a good job. I would seriously be considering leaving in your position.

I would also make sure our finances are separate, if he lies about money.

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/02/2022 13:42

How to have a relationship when there's no trust?

You can't

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 13:43

I don't see how he can prove you can trust him without a bigger mental load for you, checking up on him etc.

Even then there'll always be doubts.

Oakleaf40 · 21/02/2022 14:00

@Alwaysforgiving

My DH is a liar. He lied about paying off his overdraft and a loan (which he never told me about in the first place). It's not about the money or amounts but rather about the lying to my face. There have been other actions in the past that have made me distrust him, but moved on, but now we're here and I don't believe most of what he says. He says he's committed to regain my trust, but I don't even know how he can do that? We've had abad weekend after I came back from a business trip because I'm snappy and I'm easily irritated by him..
My EH lied to his new partner for 18mths. repeated lies after lies to her and so many secrets, He told her about them all She forgave him.. and they are still together and loved up . So i guess it depends on what you can forgive and forget . Each situation is different.
Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 15:14

I don't think the money situation (on his end is excessive) but yet again it's not about that, it's about the lies (without trying to sound like a broken record).

Our relationship is still wonderful about 97% of the time that's it's saving grace.

OP posts:
Oakleaf40 · 21/02/2022 15:18

@Alwaysforgiving

I don't think the money situation (on his end is excessive) but yet again it's not about that, it's about the lies (without trying to sound like a broken record).

Our relationship is still wonderful about 97% of the time that's it's saving grace.

I guess you have to decide if this is something you can get over and if your relationship is worth saving. I agree that the lies would also make me question things all the time.
LabradorMama · 21/02/2022 15:18

You can’t. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Without a strong foundation it will all fall down sooner or later

Mumoblue · 21/02/2022 15:21

I don’t think you can.
It took me too long to learn that my ex was the kind of person who, if lying made his life even 1% easier, he would lie. And once I knew that I couldn’t un-know it.

Nowadays if he told me the sky was blue I’d go outside to double-check.

I suppose you could try counselling, but he’d have to try really hard and never lie to you ever again, but I’d probably still have doubts if I were you.

I can’t stand dishonesty.

TheSpecialist · 21/02/2022 15:23

My ex cheated early in our relationship. He lied about it, tricked me and was generally devious.

Over 2 years he manipulated the truth on many occasions, lied more and also tricked his way to living rent free.

I thew Theo out twice and tried to be friends. Even in a friendship he was devious. Often silly things but his default is not the truth.

I never trusted him. Not one bit. He makes out he is a sensitive and caring man but just under the surface is an evil, childish individual.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 16:15

For the most part I believe our relationship is worth saving, it's just so taxing to my mind and heart (at times). I know we'd need to communicate better off there to be any difference

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 16:16

Is a joint account an option? Although then you'd worry about him throwing away joint money and leaving you in the crap.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 16:41

Yes a joint account is the next step

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 21/02/2022 16:44

Resentment will kick in at some point, then it will be over.
Make sure your ducks are in a row now for if you ever need it.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/02/2022 16:47

To answer your question, you don't. You simply can't have a relationship without trust. The two things are mutually exclusive.

You've described him as a liar and then gone on to say you think the relationship is worth saving. By definition, these can't both be true.

If he's a liar and there's no relationship, there is literally nothing to save. You're talking about joint accounts and better communication etc. Forget it. There's no future with someone like this.

You have a child together so I'm not minimising this and making out that its going to be easy. But being single will always be better than being with someone you don't trust. You say you have no local network: where are your family and friends? Could you seek support from them?

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 16:51

My family lives abroad, so that's most certainly not an option. He's a liar in the sense that he lied about this particular thing for a whole year. The amount is in all honesty risible. In all other aspects of our relationship he's proven to be able to change.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 21/02/2022 16:54

@Alwaysforgiving

My family lives abroad, so that's most certainly not an option. He's a liar in the sense that he lied about this particular thing for a whole year. The amount is in all honesty risible. In all other aspects of our relationship he's proven to be able to change.
well, but the amount is irrelevant. You don't trust him and its creating resentment in your relationship. And you don't go into detail but it sounds like its not an isolated incident.

You have to ask yourself whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust. If the answer is no, you need to work towards leaving him.

Do you work?

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 21/02/2022 16:58

Yeah, I'm the main breadwinner. I could get a mortgage on my own. He's financially dependent to me, not the other way around.

OP posts: