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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friendship issue- wibu to ask my friend not to do this?

32 replies

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 07:29

NC for this, as it’s outing and I will have to express myself in a bit of a clunky way to explain the situation without giving too much away.

I have a very close friend who I have known for 15 years. We met at work and we both started out in the same professsion in the same place. We have both moved on and I am very senior now in my role and she works for the v high profile regulatory body of the profession. This year, she is also, how can I put this without outing myself, a “service user” of my workplace for want of a better phrase.

In the past, when we did the same job, we would always meet up and let off a bit of steam about work, share funny anecdotes etc and this has always been a part of our friendship. But now this has changed due to the change in her role. At the weekend I invited her family and another family for lunch. Whenever the conversation turned to my work, which is did naturally because of her circumstances, and because we have always chatted in this way, as I explained before, I felt there was some implied criticism, not of me directly but of other colleagues and as I have a senior role and lead these colleagues, of me by implication. It was at times quite scathing and intensified by the fact that she works for this regulatory body which makes high stakes judgements in my field.

It has been gnawing away at me, and I thought once I’d slept on it for a couple of nights I’d be over it, but I’m not, and I feel like I’m going to have to say something to her like please can we not talk about my work when you come round for dinner. None of the other friends who are there have their jobs subject to scrutiny and criticism when having lunch at my house.

I’m just not sure how this friend is going to take it, and I think she’ll accuse me of being over sensitive, defensive etc. but I honestly think it we are to carry on being friends, which I definitely want to do, then we are going to have to agree on some ground rules, or at least that we discuss things privately rather than me feeling like I’m being judged in front of my friends.

I’m prepared to admit that I’ve taken time to readjust to the way things are now too, and maybe I just need to say a bit less and close down the conversation more firmly, but I’m still worried about how she will react. WIBU to raise this with her?

OP posts:

LowlyTheWorm · 21/02/2022 07:34

Just stop at “let’s not talk ship” rather the going into the reasons why…as she will be defensive and you’ll probably fall out.
Yanbu

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 07:35

Rather than ask not to talk about it, can you just change the subject/steer the conversation away?

HollowTalk · 21/02/2022 07:36

I would refuse to talk about work at all with her. When you say she's now a service user do you mean she's in a vulnerable position?

Original poster

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 07:37

No, she's not in a vulnerable position. It's hard to explain without saying what the profession is.

OP posts:

ThoseFestiveLights · 21/02/2022 07:39

YANBU - she is being unprofessional and blurring boundaries. Understandable but very inappropriate.

I agree that you have to say something like “Let’s not discuss this now - it’s bad enough thinking about it from 9-5” and change the subject immediately.

If she persists you need to stop inviting her.

Luckingfovely · 21/02/2022 07:43

Yup, I agree that you should just make it clear that you don't want to talk shop out of working hours, but don't go into the feelings part of the reasons behind it.

That may affect your working relationship as well as your personal one - and once you've said it, you can't take it back.

Just take the high road and deliberately stall any conversations about work, and change the subject.

PiperPosey · 21/02/2022 07:52

We always talk about work together...it gets so tiresome
"How about every time I mention work I owe you 5 dollar/ pound etc.
And whenever you talk about work you owe me 5 dollar/pound etc.

Rules: So that means any gossip anything pertaining to work. After losing a few pounds she'll stop.

Sweetdealer · 21/02/2022 07:54

I wouldn’t raise it to be honest. It could seem accusatory. Have some stock phrases ready for the next social event. Firstly, get up and physically walk away everytime she raises your work. Just walk. Don’t say anything just go. Go to the toilet. Break the pattern. Come back to the table after 5 minutes and restart a different conversation “did anyone watch the Winter Olympics..”
do it every single time. The first time you might have to get up twenty times but surely she will get the message.

CanorCanelloni · 21/02/2022 07:56

I'm sorry but I think your friendship had sailed its course. If she is happy to be so negative about you in front of mutual friends in your house, she doesn't respect you. I'd just leave it, I don't think you can turn it around.

PicaK · 21/02/2022 07:57

Teacher, ofsted inspector, kids at your school? Not saying it is but seemed good analogy for those struggling to comprehend.
In which case tricky but i think fair enough of you to say not talk shop.

PicaK · 21/02/2022 08:00

If the teacher analogy were correct I'd be pointing her to the complaints procedure. But I'd also be assessing the school's processes for capturing parent voice. You seem defensive

over2021 · 21/02/2022 08:00

I'm assuming you're a headteacher and she's an Ofsted inspector with a child at your school?

Either way just tell her you don't want to talk about work!

Palavah · 21/02/2022 08:02

Fair enough on social occasions to suggest changing the subject, but if you've got someone close to you who works for thr regulatory body and has a negative experience of your staff as a service user then you'll want to suggest a one to one chat so you can understand her feedback, surely?

hopeishere · 21/02/2022 08:02

Are you a doctor and she works for the GMC?

Just ignore it or try no shop talk?

ZippyZap · 21/02/2022 08:03

I'd join in slightly talking about work and then I'd say 'anyway, enough about work on a weekend' and change the convo. Then if it's said again I'd laugh and say 'we're at it again!' look at other friend and say 'everytime we mention work, tell us to stop'

Original poster

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 08:12

Yes, I couldn't ignore what she had said and like I've said I do want to discuss it privately with her but I don't think it was ok to bring it up in front of others when she was a guest in my home.

OP posts:

MeaCuppa · 21/02/2022 08:12

She works for the FCA and you are in Financial services.

I just would redirect the conversation- I had this in my friend group at one time, was awkward until it became clear that work related conversations just weren’t enjoyable (to say the least). No one really brought it up, we just tacitly agreed that we’d talk about other topics.

Yogurtpotofdoom · 21/02/2022 08:13

It all sounds a little bit complicated and inappropriate my liking. Thinking about things like Ofstead/GMC/QCQ should she even be having dinner at your house? Would that not be seen as a conflict of interest?

If you maintain the contact, just be light and breezy like others have suggested. Open with mentioning your exhausting week at work and how you're tired of talking about work. Every time its mentioned, change the subject. If she is pushing it, throw in something like 'should you be telling me what's in your latest inspection against me?' or something like that to suggest there is a possible conflict of interest whilst also being lighthearted about it.

I've worked in my organisation for 20 years and lots of friends have come and gone over time. Unfortunately, I did intentionally let some drift away because I couldn't be bothered listening to them moaning about work every time we met up.

Original poster

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 08:35

I'm really hoping this isn't the case. It's a long standing friendship, our husbands are friends, our kids are friends, we often holiday together.

I think/hope it's a case of readjusting as her role both in her job and as a "service user" are both very recent and so is my role.

OP posts:

Original poster

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 08:36

She couldn't regulate my particular workplace because of her circumstances.

OP posts:

haikyew · 21/02/2022 08:44

I’d check my contract
Such topics of discussion
Could well be a breach

prickferrari · 21/02/2022 08:47

Is she criticising something you're responsible for? Or do you not like to hear criticisms about practice anywhere in your profession?

Newgirls · 21/02/2022 08:48

The reality of the new relationship has hit you. Next time you see her say something like ‘it was so weird talking about work last time - it feels like we are on dif sides! Isn’t it weird’ and see where it goes.

Original poster

unbonnetedheruns · 21/02/2022 08:52

Is she criticising something you're responsible for? Or do you not like to hear criticisms about practice anywhere in your profession?

She is criticising people in my particular workplace, not just my profession. One criticism was about something I oversee, yes.

OP posts:

saraclara · 21/02/2022 09:01

The other family must have been thrilled to have to listen to this conversation.

I suggest you keep work related stuff out of social situations, especially with others present.

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