Friendship issue- wibu to ask my friend not to do this?

[unbonnetedheruns]

NC for this, as it’s outing and I will have to express myself in a bit of a clunky way to explain the situation without giving too much away.

I have a very close friend who I have known for 15 years. We met at work and we both started out in the same professsion in the same place. We have both moved on and I am very senior now in my role and she works for the v high profile regulatory body of the profession. This year, she is also, how can I put this without outing myself, a “service user” of my workplace for want of a better phrase.

In the past, when we did the same job, we would always meet up and let off a bit of steam about work, share funny anecdotes etc and this has always been a part of our friendship. But now this has changed due to the change in her role. At the weekend I invited her family and another family for lunch. Whenever the conversation turned to my work, which is did naturally because of her circumstances, and because we have always chatted in this way, as I explained before, I felt there was some implied criticism, not of me directly but of other colleagues and as I have a senior role and lead these colleagues, of me by implication. It was at times quite scathing and intensified by the fact that she works for this regulatory body which makes high stakes judgements in my field.

It has been gnawing away at me, and I thought once I’d slept on it for a couple of nights I’d be over it, but I’m not, and I feel like I’m going to have to say something to her like please can we not talk about my work when you come round for dinner. None of the other friends who are there have their jobs subject to scrutiny and criticism when having lunch at my house.

I’m just not sure how this friend is going to take it, and I think she’ll accuse me of being over sensitive, defensive etc. but I honestly think it we are to carry on being friends, which I definitely want to do, then we are going to have to agree on some ground rules, or at least that we discuss things privately rather than me feeling like I’m being judged in front of my friends.

I’m prepared to admit that I’ve taken time to readjust to the way things are now too, and maybe I just need to say a bit less and close down the conversation more firmly, but I’m still worried about how she will react. WIBU to raise this with her?

@saraclara one of the other family used to work in the field and it was actually one of their questions which partly prompted one of the conversations going down this path.

But yes, it's seems like the only way forward with this is to change the subject every time.

@unbonnetedheruns

Is she criticising something you're responsible for? Or do you not like to hear criticisms about practice anywhere in your profession?

She is criticising people in my particular workplace, not just my profession. One criticism was about something I oversee, yes.

Oh right, you'd kind of expect her not to do that then in a social situation if it's something that pertains to you so professionally closely. Most people would know 'not to go there' in that environment. Most friends wouldn't want to put their friends in that situation.

It's very unprofessional of her.
Quite beside it being unfair of her as your friend, she's also putting her professional integrity at risk.
Tell her you are happy to discuss the issue, but only on a professional basis.

Posted too soon....
And of course if she doesn't want to deal with you regarding the matter, signpost her to someone else who can.

The root of the problem is that your friendship was founded on shop talk and work chat. So even if you've built it up beyond that, it's still territory you can easily slip into.

You might feel awkward bringing it up but remember she was the one who made it awkward - when the other guest brought up the subject she should have also headed it off. But she probably didn't do this maliciously, and might be feeling awkward about it herself now!

I guess just bring it up in a light way - something like "I know we always used to vent to each other about work but now our roles have changed shall we not talk shop with each other, because it feels awkward/inappropriate - but of course if you have any real concerns you can always talk to me privately", something like that.

You are in banking and she’s working for FSA or whoever they are now?

I’ve had people do this, enjoy having a go at me over my company’s actions. I just laugh and think it makes them look like a dick.

if you want to stay friends, just change the subject more and more blatantly:
Oh that’s work stuff - how boring
Oh still on this, let’s talk about something else.
Oh wow I love Boris - don’t you?
Oh gosh, looks like I accidentally dropped my drink on your head

@unbonnetedheruns

Fair enough on social occasions to suggest changing the subject, but if you've got someone close to you who works for thr regulatory body and has a negative experience of your staff as a service user then you'll want to suggest a one to one chat so you can understand her feedback, surely

Yes, I couldn't ignore what she had said and like I've said I do want to discuss it privately with her but I don't think it was ok to bring it up in front of others when she was a guest in my home.

Ok, so just let her know that it made you feel uncomfortable - and ask her to raise concerns privately next time.