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Original poster

Could I ask about age gaps....

48 replies

sittingonacornflake · 21/02/2022 07:28

I have recently started very casually seeing someone and there is a bit of an age gap between us. He is 49 with a 9 year old and I am 33 with a 4 year old.

I fancy the pants off him and at this moment in time I want to keep it fun, I've never seen myself ever wanting to blend families or properly join lives (financially or cohabiting wise) with someone, although I do appreciate you change as you grow older and meet new people etc.

Anyone with experience of age gaps like this could you kindly offer your tuppence - are there any negatives I should be mindful of?

OP posts:
Catnipdelight · 21/02/2022 08:36

I'm 34 seeing a 49 year old and although there aren't children in the mix, this age gap works really well for us. I'm pregnant now and occasionally I do worry that he will be an "older" father but then ... you can't plan every inch of life, sometimes things just work and it's how it is. It sounds like a good thing you've got going on Smile

Vaxhubsandwich · 21/02/2022 09:04

I'm 50, my bf is 31 (he never wants kids, mine are grown up).
We get on fine.

teaandchocolate1 · 21/02/2022 09:08

I'm 35 and my husband is 46. So 11 years age gap.

We have an 18 month old and I'm currently in the hospital giving birth to my 2nd.

The age gap works fine for us, we're both on the same maturity level.

Of course I worry about what the future holds in terms of aging, but there is never a guarantee for anything in life, even with a younger partner.

Imdonna · 21/02/2022 09:38

I don't think that age gap is bad. You both have young kids so are in similar places.

Having been in a similar position, it didn't work out long term, but I can't say that it was just the age gap.

Alot will depend on what you both want for future plans. Bur also future plans change. You may find yourself wanting another child and him not.

Imo, age gaps are only a worrying issue if the youngest one is very young. I think at 33 you have enough life experience to make a good decision. Or there's a power imbalance, such as them being your boss. If its casual I dont see many issues based on age gap alone.

CoastalWave · 21/02/2022 09:40

Same age gap but the other way round - I"m the older one.

No issues here.

You're both adults, I really don't see the issue! When you get to 49 you'll realise you feel EXACTLY the same as you do now at 33.

BishyBarnyBee · 21/02/2022 09:50

It's totally not an issue at your age. It can become an issue as you get older. I know several couples where the younger partner is still active and healthy and the older partner has mobility issues which seriously restrict what they can do together. One in particular married a dynamic, dashing older man and is utterly bewildered to find herself nursing a demanding, querulous, incontinent old man. And yes, there are no guarantees at any age, but as a younger woman with a much older partner, you are statistically much more likely to end up nursing your partner in your middle age and his old age.
There is very little difference between a 33 year old and a 49 year old. There is a huge difference between 63 year old and a 79 year old. But that may not worry you in which case go for it.

SoManyTshirts · 21/02/2022 09:58

I’m 63 and a couple of years into dating a 75 year old. He’s fit, active and mentally same as ever.
Downsides have been that he doesn’t like being out late, can’t eat big meals, is reluctant to go on holiday or change his routine … but in the last few months I’ve developed a chronic health condition and I am the same tbh, there isn’t a gulf between us.
I’d go for it and I think not blending lives suits this gap.

TheVanguardSix · 21/02/2022 10:06

It is ALL about the person's character. Personally, having been in a marriage with a massive age gap, I wouldn't do it again. But then, it really had to do with my former husband's disposition. He just was a lousy husband and father... and this would have been the case if we'd been the same age!

What I would say is if he's not looking after himself at 50, you're on a hiding to nothing. It's totally different if one of you, god forbid, develops cancer or an unavoidable chronic illness. I'm talking about those lazy bastards who stop engaging and sit around the sofa day and night stuffing themselves silly and ruining their health, expecting you to look after them when they've treated themselves like a human garbage disposal. Some people, with age, stick to their bad habits and are unwilling to change. You don't want that.

Original poster
sittingonacornflake · 21/02/2022 10:27

Well these responses have been incredibly reassuring thank you.

He looks after himself now and lives well so (he's energetic etc) but I know with my own parents once they hit 50 they really started to feel their age.

I have considered the longer term issues I.e when I'm middle aged he would be of course be much older but I don't have the best track record with dating and relationships so it would be nothing short of a miracle if it turned into something serious. I'm just enjoying the fun for now.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 21/02/2022 13:01

Most relationships don't end up working out in a 'forever' kind of sense, so have fun and see where it goes without over thinking it too much.

Sportslady44 · 21/02/2022 13:23

all this crap about age gaps should stop. Age is just a number. Just get on and enjoy yourself if thats what you want.

How many people of the same age are splitting up daily.

Sportslady44 · 21/02/2022 13:24

@sittingonacornflake

Well these responses have been incredibly reassuring thank you.

He looks after himself now and lives well so (he's energetic etc) but I know with my own parents once they hit 50 they really started to feel their age.

I have considered the longer term issues I.e when I'm middle aged he would be of course be much older but I don't have the best track record with dating and relationships so it would be nothing short of a miracle if it turned into something serious. I'm just enjoying the fun for now.

something could happen to you you know just cause he is older dosent mean it will go that way. silly talk. overanalysing.
cheeseislife8 · 21/02/2022 14:19

I'm 35, my DH is 50. Been together 11 years, and it's never been as issue. We just clicked and neither of us has really noticed it. I appreciate it doesn't work that way for everyone though

theemmadilemma · 21/02/2022 14:22

I'm 45, DP is 37, together 8 years. I don't have and didn't want children, he's good with that.

No negatives from my side.

spacehardware · 21/02/2022 14:23

I'm 43 my husband is 51. I honestly forget he's older than me

Sportslady44 · 21/02/2022 14:24

@theemmadilemma

I'm 45, DP is 37, together 8 years. I don't have and didn't want children, he's good with that.

No negatives from my side.

that is not an age gap.

Since when did people all go out with people the same age anyway.

Noisyneighneigh · 21/02/2022 14:33

@Sportslady44 Confused Well there is a difference in age. Is the term only used when it's significant like more than 10 years?;

Seainasive · 21/02/2022 14:33

Totally agree the age gap is fine now. But if this is a long term thing, it may not be fine later. My DH is 10 years older than me, and now that he is in his early 60s it is really beginning to show. I mean we’re not talking incontinence but there is a definite change in energy levels and he’s turning a bit Victor Meldrew.

iklboo · 21/02/2022 14:42

I'm 8 years older than DH. We've been married 18 years this year.

Blushingm · 21/02/2022 15:12

I'm 43 and I'm kind of seeing someone who is almost 25

He says he's not too bothered about wanting kids and he behaves a lot more maturely than many men in their 30's and 40's. I still worry about raised eyebrows

Momijin · 21/02/2022 15:19

You won't notice much of an age difference but as someone who is in her 50s with a lot of friends in their 50s, things start to decline. When you're my age, he would be 67 and I can't imagine being with a 67 year old. There is a big difference between a 52 year old and a 67 year old. Not much difference between early 30s and late 40s.

Health, stage in life (still working full time vs retired), early widowhood - all things to consider.

crosbystillsandmash · 21/02/2022 15:28

I'm 50, dh is 38.
In all honesty it's got to the stage were I've totally forgotten I'm older than him, weird as I was so aware of it for the first few years.
I think it's a combination of things, I've inevitability aged him eg he became a stepdad at a young age and now we have grown up dc, while friends his own age are just having babies!
I think maybe he keeps me young? Although I'm honestly not sure as I look very young and certainly don't feel remotely old in my ways compared to him!

I'd say don't worry? Age gap relationships work for some and for others they're a disaster but it's definitely worth a try op!

Anthurium · 21/02/2022 16:28

@Blushingm

I'm 43 and I'm kind of seeing someone who is almost 25

He says he's not too bothered about wanting kids and he behaves a lot more maturely than many men in their 30's and 40's. I still worry about raised eyebrows

I too was in a relationship with someone 12 years my junior. Amazing chemistry however I wanted to start a family rather soon after meeting him (I was 37 when we met and time wasn't on my side), he on the other hand didn't want children though when we ended things he said he'd changed his mind and wanted them Hmm... I think it's a social script young women and men say, I've just heard too many people in this stuff in this age range only to change their minds in their 30s. As long as you are prepared that if the relationship becomes something more long term that he may end up leaving over this ...
arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2022 16:38

In my experience, with people I know, it's fine in your 30s and 40s as the younger one. But when you're in your 50s, they're 70 and at a really different life stage. Im nearly 50 now, still really enjoying life the same way I did when I was 30 - so the thought of my going out with a 70 year old now is, ridiculous.

Teeturtle · 21/02/2022 16:45

[quote Noisyneighneigh]@Sportslady44 Confused Well there is a difference in age. Is the term only used when it's significant like more than 10 years?;[/quote]
Well yes, obviously OP was referring to larger age gaps.