Judge me

[Fenella2000]

Hello everyone, I think I just need a kick up the arse or some kind of a different perspective, I don’t know.

I am 36. Will be 37 this year. My life was a bit of a mess for years, largely because I was suffering the effects of undiagnosed ADHD (for those who don’t know, this can be associated with all sorts of emotional and mental instability). I dropped out or was kicked out of uni several times, got my undergrad when I was almost 28. I lived in houseshares and mostly worked temp admin jobs - did work my way up to earning about £30k on average (in London). For the past five years I’ve also been doing volunteer work which I absolutely love and is closely related to the field I’ve decided I want to be in.

Eventually I self-diagnosed which was followed by an official diagnosis two years ago, just before the pandemic began. Started medication too. Since then I got a high distinction in a masters degree, have a £21k entry-level job in the field I want to be in (very disorganised and frustrating job so far, though!). I’m also hopeful that I’ll FINALLY pass my driving test soon. So things are going broadly in the right direction I suppose.

The issue is this: I want a husband and child/ren (ideally two but one may be more realistic at this stage) but my courage is faltering because I’m so scared men will judge me / no one will want me / there won’t be any “good” men left! I moved back in with my parents due to the pandemic, I’m still there for the moment due to low salary and the need to build up savings - I don’t have much money saved up. I am also quite big - size 16 - albeit hourglass shaped with 36G’s, and I try hard to dress well, do my hair etc. I can’t see myself losing any weight, since I am obsessed with food/cooking and very dependent on food for comfort although I am trying to address the latter.

I haven’t been in a real relationship since I was 24 although I’ve had FWB situations etc. for years I had a string of operatic unrequited loves which I always convinced myself would turn into marriage, so I didn’t want a boyfriend because I felt I already had someone. A couple of these men are still close friends, which is positive.

I want to find someone intelligent and level-headed*, roughly my age, who wants a child in the next few years. I just keep thinking that any such man would be easily able to find a woman who has a successful career / doesn’t live with her parents / is slim / has savings, etc. I’m going to have to be VERY brave, confident, resilient and persistent, aren’t I? Thank you to anyone who’d like to queue up and tell me what I already know 🤣

*(a quality I lacked in the past, but would say I do have now)

It sounds like you're doing amazingly well. You've found a career we want to pursue. You've got a diagnosis and medication to help etc

I presume you've tried online dating? It can be hugely frustrating and annoying but if you're good at spotting red flags and confident in your choices it can be v useful

Oh yes I certainly have. I’m probably TOO good at spotting red flags and men who are going to be at the very least annoying, hence I end up swiping left on almost everyone and fucking up the algorithm 🤣 I probably need to be a bit more open-minded if I want people to be open to me. Thank you for the very kind words

My main issue with online dating is how dull most of the profiles are! Eg on Hinge, if there are only 3 things you can say about yourself and one of them is “I love chocolate digestives”, what kind of conversationalist are you going to be?! Lol

I also think you've achieved so much! Please don't otherwise. It's brilliant.
Believe in yourself and that you will have the kind of life you want. You are just as desirable as anyone else, please don't put yourself down in any way. I don't think men look for the 'perfect' woman, they are looking for real women with real bodies and a real life. The same qualities as you are looking for in men, right? Yes there are men for whom what you describe is more important than anything else but would you really want to be with one of them anyway?

Oh fucking hell. Another woman who thinks she's not good enough.
Well you are. More than good enough.

The fact is, you might not meet anyone you actually want to be with. So then what?

Do what you want to do whether or not there's some person with a penis next to you. Work on that.

I can't help but think how hard you're being on yourself. You have achieved so much.

Perhaps a bit of self belief would be a good starting point to attract a life partner?

You sound lovely. Just be careful of getting yourself in anymore FWB situations that you romanticise in your head. It'll keep you from finding someone who is looking for a relationship-Keep it real, and take a chance on someone different, and swipe right a few times x

Thank you both for the kind words.

@madroid I like the advice, though one major thing I want to do is have a baby, and doing that alone, well… in this economy?! 😬 Though of course ultimately you are right and I (like anyone) accept the possibility that I may remain childless & need to fill my life with other things.

@rrf haha the unrequited loves and the FWBs have mostly been separate 🤣 I’ve generally not pined after men who actually want to sleep with me.

My confidence and self-worth are much better than they used to be, but I still sometimes feel dragged down, embarrassed and ashamed because of my past.

If economics would be the obstacle then that's the thing to aim at? Get into a financial position where you could have a baby on your own.

Loads of mothers end up bringing up their children alone anyway. You'll just have planned it.

Honestly, you’re doing amazing! I know it’s a cliché but truly the world is your oyster.

I’ve moved back to my mum few years ago too, after splitting with my ex (second serious relationship in my life) and cried for about a week. But then I’ve decided I’m going to focus on myself, which is what you’re doing now. Lo and behold I met my current husband few weeks later in a new job.

You honestly never know what’s waiting around the corner, just enjoy your youth and lack of commitments (mortgage, kids, etc). Believe in your self worth and your confidence will shine through- that’s super attractive!

Ps.
I’m also size 16 and graduated last year (I was 28). Honestly don’t limit yourself with such irrelevant minor things!

but I still sometimes feel dragged down, embarrassed and ashamed because of my past.

Everyone has a past. We do things that seemed right for us at the time. Later, it can come to light that our decisions were flawed, but that's called life! None of us have hindsight. We're human and humans make mistakes.

Let go of the negative feelings and embrace who you are now

Do you think that ‘your past’ could be magnified in your mind to a degree. I really think that what you have described is so much a part of normal life nowadays - at home to save up, etc.

It’s so subjective - I think you have an idea in your mind of the ideal woman (independent, career orientated, etc) and are working towards becoming that and maybe want the male equivalent of that now rather than realising there may be a man out there who is also a work in progress (as we all are). I think if you get involved in a wider range of things (local film club/swim/fit sessions/gardening group - take your pick you will make new friends who also have single friends). This way they get to see who you are as a person and you establish the narrative of your life (this is what I am doing now, with a focus on the present and the future, not the past). What you might think is a ‘past’ is often not a past to many. We can all look at things as either normal parts of growing up, sorting out life out or drama or dysfunction. It’s a perspective🙂

@Mummytobe93 thank you, that’s nice to hear and inspiring that things are working for you.

@madroid I wish the housing crisis didn’t exist. In my career path i won’t have a really decent salary til I’m pretty much past childbearing age… I could try getting out a loan, freezing my eggs and having a baby at 50, or else having a baby at my parents’ house* (they would be thrilled, not 🤣), or having a baby and being constantly broke with no disposable income. Housing crisis/cost of living is such a huge barrier to gender equality, and of course there are many much worse off than me.

*(To be fair I have friends in Italy who did that… but that’s Italy)

@Bellalastrasse

Do you think that ‘your past’ could be magnified in your mind to a degree. I really think that what you have described is so much a part of normal life nowadays - at home to save up, etc.

It’s so subjective - I think you have an idea in your mind of the ideal woman (independent, career orientated, etc) and are working towards becoming that and maybe want the male equivalent of that now rather than realising there may be a man out there who is also a work in progress (as we all are). I think if you get involved in a wider range of things (local film club/swim/fit sessions/gardening group - take your pick you will make new friends who also have single friends). This way they get to see who you are as a person and you establish the narrative of your life (this is what I am doing now, with a focus on the present and the future, not the past). What you might think is a ‘past’ is often not a past to many. We can all look at things as either normal parts of growing up, sorting out life out or drama or dysfunction. It’s a perspective🙂

Yeah, I’m just embarrassed about it because of my age. If I was 28-30 instead of 36 then living at home would be less embarrassing. At this age a lot of men will have mortgages, kids etc.

I have an intense dislike of group activities but I definitely will think about trying new things / what kind of things I might want to add to my life besides dating.

And yup, it really is all about perspective. I know this intellectually, but shame and embarrassment can be difficult to fully kill.

Also comparing this ideal self with what you know if your life so far (‘your past’) will never work - you’ll always trap yourself into stalemate. You need to make peace with your past as such - @Clarice99 is right.

The people you see out there acting confidently are the ones who are emotionally integrated with their past, their present and an idea of their future.

I think you will let go of a lot of this negativity about yourself if you sit down and get really engaged with a positive plan for your future. Then your present is about the steps to get there - you already seem to be on that track so I would say that you have some ‘gaps’ that might track you back unless you fill them with projects, etc to keep up your forward momentum . I mean things like swimming, dance class, etc that you do for yourself and are low cost but get you out of the house and give you some degree of control over yourself.

Wow OP you can be admired for so many things, one being you never gave up on you. I am also undiagnosed ADHD but going back to my home country to be diagnosed amongst other things. Please don’t feel you are somehow not on the right path due to living with patients or saving. Those things will come, and your size? Please don’t beet yourself up about it just enjoy the life path you are on and if you are not happy, make tiny amendments and you will start seeing what works and what doesn’t.

Remember, you are the price when looking for that potential one. Don’t allow yourself the inner dialogue as I am sure you would not say those things to a friend. Be the dialogue you would feed a friend who is doubtful of themselves, then repeat this rather than the things you feel you lack.

Enjoy yourself as it sounds like you are a wonderful person and on such a lovely road ahead

@Fenella2000

And yup, it really is all about perspective. I know this intellectually, but shame and embarrassment can be difficult to fully kill.

You make it palatable to swallow. Break it down and think of what words you would use with a dear friend. Then cry it out. Then realise actually you did have some agency in the situation which you chose to override/ignore/play down because of whatever reason (desire to be seen/loneliness/human need for something) then forgive yourself. No one in the history of life has ever been perfect and it is not a requirement of humans. If you feel you made mistakes then you learn and move on - that’s the adult, intelligent thing to do. I think once you can reconcile that with your powerful emotions of fear, shame, and disappointment then you give yourself permission to really feel them, your body has the acknowledgment it needs and can let go of the feelings, your mind clears and can think properly and you really then move forward. The feelings don’t have a hold on to you anymore. Of course, as the negative feelings disappear, so to does the memory and sense of being that person goes - that’s the really liberating thing, I think. You are a different person therefore ‘your past’ no longer exists, as such.

You gotta love yourself! all beautiful size 16 of her - she’s your future you 🙂

@Bellalastrasse

Also comparing this ideal self with what you know if your life so far (‘your past’) will never work - you’ll always trap yourself into stalemate. You need to make peace with your past as such - *@Clarice99* is right.

The people you see out there acting confidently are the ones who are emotionally integrated with their past, their present and an idea of their future.

I think you will let go of a lot of this negativity about yourself if you sit down and get really engaged with a positive plan for your future. Then your present is about the steps to get there - you already seem to be on that track so I would say that you have some ‘gaps’ that might track you back unless you fill them with projects, etc to keep up your forward momentum . I mean things like swimming, dance class, etc that you do for yourself and are low cost but get you out of the house and give you some degree of control over yourself.

This is a good point, you are onto something here tbh.

While I am horrified at the idea of swimming or dance classes specifically (I understand these were only meant as examples, lol), it’s true my shame and self-disgust are dragging me down to the point where I don’t fill my life as much as I should. I generally just want to zone out during evenings/weekends/any time I’m not either at work or volunteering. Food for thought so thank you

That said I have got really into following the Premier League / my family’s football team recently as a means of zoning out, I like to tell myself this will be an asset when talking to men 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think the problem is that lounging around passively doing things gives your mind a chance to pull you down if you haven’t quite rid yourself of negative feelings about yourself (or your past). It just set of happens. I’m the same. Then you go over things from the past, overthink them, try and change them, etc. If in contrast you had gone out for the evening to a film club/book club/photography club your mind is filled with the logistics of getting there and back, meeting new people, etc and the space isn’t there to dwell on things. You also get positive feedback from having got out, and doing something new.

Small things where there is no pressure to perform, look a certain way, stretch yourself too much - I think they fill a valuable role in ways we don’t always acknowledge.

@Bellalastrasse

I think the problem is that lounging around passively doing things gives your mind a chance to pull you down if you haven’t quite rid yourself of negative feelings about yourself (or your past). It just set of happens. I’m the same. Then you go over things from the past, overthink them, try and change them, etc. If in contrast you had gone out for the evening to a film club/book club/photography club your mind is filled with the logistics of getting there and back, meeting new people, etc and the space isn’t there to dwell on things. You also get positive feedback from having got out, and doing something new.

Small things where there is no pressure to perform, look a certain way, stretch yourself too much - I think they fill a valuable role in ways we don’t always acknowledge.

I think this is partly true, although for me going out doesn’t really stop my obsessive thought patterns (I would normally still be thinking about all this crap during a film for example, unless the film was incredibly engaging). It can also sometimes make me feel worse, e.g. if I’m at a social event and start feeling anxious/overwhelmed and desperate to leave.

But new experiences are the only way we grow and challenge ourselves, so I’ll definitely put some more thought into this.

You sound wonderful!

Don't concern yourself with what's happened in the past, any man you date that's into you won't give a shit either.

I would seriously consider asking your parents if they would help support you having a child solo in the future as a back-up plan! (They might want grandchildren and that might be the only way to do it) and in your position I would think about getting some eggs frozen.

Otherwise, get out there and dates lots!

@linchinton

You sound wonderful!

Don't concern yourself with what's happened in the past, any man you date that's into you won't give a shit either.

I would seriously consider asking your parents if they would help support you having a child solo in the future as a back-up plan! (They might want grandchildren and that might be the only way to do it) and in your position I would think about getting some eggs frozen.

Otherwise, get out there and dates lots!

Thanks.

Haha, I’m really hoping my brother will have children actually, that would solve any grandchildren issues! And be a kind of second-best to having my own children.

I have thought about egg freezing, but decided I’d rather take my chances on possibly not having kids… it would mean taking out a loan and I don’t think I could handle even more financial uncertainty, with IVF at the end of it, and no guarantees that would work. I think if I don’t have kids I’ll be able to make peace with it.

You are so young, honestly you need to get living and I think it will happen. Get out there! Not to meet someone specifically but to engage with life and see what it brings you. You meet men through friends and common interests - that’s a healthy way to do things.