Apologies, long post from a man.
DW and I have tried to rebuild after agreeing to separate (I raised it) in early Jan. together 20 years, no kids of our own, mine and hers adult. Came together in an emotional affair for both of us, went from meetings at work, after work to living together straight away. Huge suspicion and mistrust that I would leave her, have affairs, by DW for many years, some really horrible rows, never physical although DW would often stop me leaving a room and I was quite capable of storming off from house. Various money problems and pressure to split from family but we stayed together out of sheer bloody mindedness. Then 8 years ago I kissed someone else whilst drunk. I don't know why, I didn't even like them much. Maybe I wanted a way out? Maybe a narcissist act of self destruction. We sort of got past it but it remains a trauma memory for DW.
After agreeing split in January we agreed to try Relate. I moved back into bedroom and we were intimate again for the first time in 3 or 4 years. Not entirely successfully TBH. We have talked a lot, almost always about my failings. I have done a lot of reading on here and in various books and we concluded I was in part, maybe fully, a vulnerable narcissist. I certainly think I'm a really shitty human being, always have been. I was an unwanted child. So was DW. Neither of us were loved by our parents.
We spoke more yesterday and I spoke about maybe not being able to love someone properly, not having empathy. Although I do love my children. In journey home from an afternoon out DW said some things about me that became increasingly critical and attacking, some mocking, some awful to hear that she thought about me and my behaviour. But mixed up with saying she loved me didn't want to lose me. Back home it continued and I said then we had reached an end. DW became very very angry, threw a tin of biscuits. Hard. Not at me but for a moment I really thought she was going to. Then she ordered me to leave the house. I said no as I had no idea if she would let me back in. We own it together. She threw some clothes outside and then said she was calling the police. So I left. I was parked up in a lay-by booking a Travelodge when she appeared in her car, having tracked me on my phone. Full of apologies, said she regretted all the things she had said and done and said she hadn't called police, just faked her side of the call. It sounded real to me though. So I went home.
DW said her anger was because I am breaking her heart. I think this is true but I don't see a way back. I think we are a horrible toxic mix now. I am a narcissistic self-absorbed shit who should not have relationships and DW is someone for whom intense emotions are expressed as anger. She can be cruel and mocking. Doing 'impersonations' of me (sing song voices, air quotes) was quite common although until yesterday almost gone since we agreed to try again. I go 'calm' and undermining with logic. But yesterday was a whole new level. I absolutely get she was hurting badly. I know if I agree yesterday never happened we can return to our version of normal. But should I do that? DW said yesterday she lives in fear of me. I asked her why she stayed and she then said fear meant anxiety, worrying about upsetting me. She said I sulk whereas she blows up and forgets about things. I'd say I live with anxiety about upsetting her. We both walk on eggshells and have always done.
I feel shell shocked today. I feel I want to record our conversations, I don't trust my memories, we argue over what was said a few minutes before, how it was said. I want to leave today, go to a hotel for a few days but I am afraid about whether she will change the locks or hurt herself. She never has before but she said yesterday she nearly walked under a car to see if I'd even notice.
But maybe this is all my narcissist stuff in play. I wonder now if I do and say things and then genuinely don't recall them or genuinely recall them said in a different tone or with different words. Is that how it is for some narcissists? In a sense I'm scared now of both of us and what we are capable of.
We haven't spoken today. DW is in bed. I have no idea what to say.