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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would these be red flags to you?

43 replies

Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 01:02

I am trying to make sense of everything but I’m pretty emotional at the moment.

My partner lives abroad and has been staying with me all week.

-they knew in advance (weeks ago) that I was getting them a Valentine’s Day card and gifts. I gave them Tuesday but got absolutely nothing in return, not even a card. This upset me.

-we haven’t kissed once. Before we met they talked about it a lot but nothing. I mentioned it a few times and they said ‘we will’ although this has never happened, despite us having sex.

-We only had sex 3 times and they haven’t wanted to since Tuesday. I asked Wednesday and Thursday and then didn’t bother after that when they turned me down both nights.

-We have ordered food and been out every single day, they’ve let me pay for absolutely everything, even though they’re not short of money.

They say all the right things on text but in person, it doesn’t feel Like they’re emotionally available at all. They never talk about how they feel, even when I do.

There was other things but I can’t remember what they are now.

Do I just cut my loses and move on? I’m mid 30s and quite fat. I don’t know who is going to even want me and accept me for who I am. I thought they did, but they fact they haven’t kissed me once and haven’t had sex since Tuesday says otherwise.

I know it’s stupid to be so upset about it but I am a mess right now and so upset. I thought I had finally found the one and now it doesn’t feel that way at all. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 01:03

Just to clarify, I gave them Monday on valentines, not Tuesday! 🙈

OP posts:
OfNick · 20/02/2022 01:06

Abroad? How did you meet? He sounds like a user. I can't believe you've had sex three times but haven't kissed! Stop worrying about your weight, just because you're overweight doesn't mean you depreciated in value! If you want to lose weight for you do so but the biggest amount you will lose is through getting this idiot back to where he lives!

OfNick · 20/02/2022 01:08

Mid 30's and also fat. But I'm concentrating on me and going back out there in the summer a bit more confident. Don't write yourself off! I'm hoping I find the love of my life over the next few years!

dipdye · 20/02/2022 01:08

Whaaaaaatttt

Get rid of this sad excuse for a man and go find a real one

No kissing 😱

Original poster
Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 01:08

Apparently they ‘don’t like kissing’, but this is despite them saying they can’t wait to kiss me before we met Hmm

We met as friends through a shared hobby and didn’t start a relationship for ages after we started talking.

OP posts:
BobCatBob · 20/02/2022 01:16

They say all the right things on text but in person, it doesn’t feel Like they’re emotionally available at all.

Trust your gut instinct. At best you are not compatible and your emotional and physical needs are not being met. At worst you are being used or even abused.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 20/02/2022 01:25

Having sex without even kissing first?
He's not into you, he's using you. Get rid!

bluebell34567 · 20/02/2022 01:26

such a bad relationship (if it can be called) chuck them out and dont pay anymore.

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 01:33

There is no relationship to save, just a jerk to dispose of (him) and a self esteem (yours) to recover.

How does sex even happen without kissing...

RoyKentsChestHair · 20/02/2022 01:36

Is this the first time you’ve met in person? Or have you met before and they’re just staying with you now as part of a longer relationship?

Rainbowqueeen · 20/02/2022 01:37

Cut your losses. You sound like a lovely person who deserves far better.

SD1978 · 20/02/2022 01:38

So you've never met them before, not communicated online, and they've had sex with you three times, but won't kiss you, and are paying for nothing........I wouldn't call them a partner but an expensive lesson.........

Original poster
Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 05:14

We’ve communicated online for over a year, phone calls every week, sent eachother Christmas gifts etc.

Thank you all for the outside perspective though, it’s helped.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2022 05:20

we haven’t kissed once. Before we met they talked about it a lot but nothing. I mentioned it a few times and they said ‘we will’ although this has never happened, despite us having sex.

This is really horrible.

Dump and run.

Monty27 · 20/02/2022 05:24

Omg run. Fast. Change your name even. Holy hell fire 😲

Anniegetyourgun · 20/02/2022 05:34

I note how everyone immediately assumes the OP is female and the partner male, despite them very carefully avoiding saying this. I don't think that makes a difference though.

It appears that the party of the second part is Just Not Into You as the saying goes. If they were going through some kind of distracting private issues you'd think they'd at least be able to make some kind of effort to appear affectionate, but it seems they are just there for free holiday accommodation with a shag thrown in. OP, you would be better off without them. Even if the sex is the greatest of all time it's not worth the bad effects on your self-esteem when you thought you were there for love and the other person didn't.

hattie43 · 20/02/2022 05:38

This is very strange and I'm sorry to say it but he's just not into you .
Far better to say your goodbyes and find someone happy to have a full relationship with you .

Monty27 · 20/02/2022 05:41

It's early but I didn't pick up on any gender reference? Even so the poster has posted as a person so I don't quite get your point @Anniegetyourgun you might want to post something independently on another thread?

NameGoesHere · 20/02/2022 06:53

Doesn’t matter if the are same sex or not. Big red flags! Try and get some money of the ‘d’p and call it time.

Lightstoobright · 20/02/2022 07:40

Had you met in person before or is this the first time?

rosegarden18 · 20/02/2022 07:44

Run.

When is he due to return home? Once he's left message him saying you don't feel there was any connection and are ending things. Then block him.

This is classic "user" red flags. Next thing he will be asking you for financial help and roping you in with "all the right things" he says.

Concentrate on you OP, there is someone out there for you - this is not the one.

Knutface · 20/02/2022 07:53

Sorry but this ‘partner’ does not respect or fancy you. It would appear that you are getting nothing out of this relationship, for a start I can’t imagine that sex without kissing is good sex. End it, surely being single is a much better option than being with this loser.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/02/2022 07:56

This is the first time you've met in person?
This isn't the one. This is an online friend who doesn't fancy you in real life and is taking advantage.
When they go home, stop contacting them.

BulletTrain · 20/02/2022 07:59

I think someone is using you for a free holiday unfortunately.

Doanythingforlove · 20/02/2022 08:08

Oh it sounds like it’s the first time you’ve been together. It’s an odd arrangement if so and obviously not working out.