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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would these be red flags to you?

43 replies

Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 01:02

I am trying to make sense of everything but I’m pretty emotional at the moment.

My partner lives abroad and has been staying with me all week.

-they knew in advance (weeks ago) that I was getting them a Valentine’s Day card and gifts. I gave them Tuesday but got absolutely nothing in return, not even a card. This upset me.

-we haven’t kissed once. Before we met they talked about it a lot but nothing. I mentioned it a few times and they said ‘we will’ although this has never happened, despite us having sex.

-We only had sex 3 times and they haven’t wanted to since Tuesday. I asked Wednesday and Thursday and then didn’t bother after that when they turned me down both nights.

-We have ordered food and been out every single day, they’ve let me pay for absolutely everything, even though they’re not short of money.

They say all the right things on text but in person, it doesn’t feel Like they’re emotionally available at all. They never talk about how they feel, even when I do.

There was other things but I can’t remember what they are now.

Do I just cut my loses and move on? I’m mid 30s and quite fat. I don’t know who is going to even want me and accept me for who I am. I thought they did, but they fact they haven’t kissed me once and haven’t had sex since Tuesday says otherwise.

I know it’s stupid to be so upset about it but I am a mess right now and so upset. I thought I had finally found the one and now it doesn’t feel that way at all.

OP posts:

UserBotLurking9to5 · 20/02/2022 08:16

I think valentines is a load of shit but he will have sex with you but he won't kiss you?! I find that really odd. When you're with somebody new, they should want to kiss you as well as sleep with you.

I agree with the PP, it's not worked out, but you weren't to know that. You gave it a go. Get out now and don't berate yourself. 30s is young. I'm 51 and I certainly won't lower the bar because I'm in my 50s. If I am with somebody, they have to be genuinely, effortlessly a good person to me every day of the year.

Whatinthelord · 20/02/2022 08:19

This sounds like they either aren’t that into you OR they have issues with intimacy. Doesn’t really matter what the issue is. What matters is that already less than a week into meeting you are clearly not compatible. You sound very open emotionally and affectionate and they sound cold and closed up.

I’d cut your losses and try to move on. I can understand that this must feel hard after building a relationship with them from afar for so long.

As for your comments about your age and size. ….. don’t undersell yourself like that. I can understand the fear of no meeting anyone else is scary, but being on your own is always better than being with someone who isn’t giving you whatyou need.

UserBotLurking9to5 · 20/02/2022 08:20

-We have ordered food and been out every single day, they’ve let me pay for absolutely everything, even though they’re not short of money.

Absolute tightwad. Is he trying to see how much you will allow yourself to be used??

When a man behaves badly, get turned off

That way, instead of having a dialogue in your head where you're selling yourself short saying hmmm, but, can I expect more because I'm fat.... you are spared that dialogue because you are turned off.

Original poster

Iwillbouceback · 20/02/2022 08:20

Thank you lovely mnetters for your wise words and kind comments. It means a lot to me when I’m feeling so emotionally low.

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 20/02/2022 08:23

This is miserable OP. When is he leaving? I'd tell him it's not working for you and end it. Don't let him treat youbtgusxway, being 30 and "quite fat" is no reason to put up with this behaviour (44, also quite fat and single)

ImFree2doasiwant · 20/02/2022 08:24

Treat you this way...

Gardeningcreature · 20/02/2022 08:27

Whether the partner is make it female I would bin them off.

dudsville · 20/02/2022 08:28

I'm sorry OP, a good relationship should make you feel good, not introspective, full of doubt and self critical. You should feel free and safe to be you. Chalk this up to a hard lesson learned. When's this person leaving?

cstx89 · 20/02/2022 08:29

Oh no - bin them. They are not worthy of you and your time.

It will be hard but move on.

There is someone who will appreciate you as you are

Comedycook · 20/02/2022 08:29

Please don't settle for anything because you think you aren't worth more. So...you're in your thirties and overweight. Big deal ..so are loads of people. Neither of those is a terrible thing. I'm forty and overweight. I still have a nice dh.

icelollycraving · 20/02/2022 08:30

If someone isn’t into kissing, ok, some people aren’t. This sounds like a relationship online where perhaps the reality isn’t the same. For either of you.
Why are you paying for everything? Fine to share expenses. Fine to pay if you’re happy with that dynamic, but you found really unhappy with the entire scenario.
Cut your losses.

Tulipsandviolets · 20/02/2022 08:39

Cut your losses he's not into you. Get rid of him. You deserve better

Hiddenvoice · 20/02/2022 08:55

My friend met their partner online. They met as friends and it naturally progressed to a relationship. He travelled over to the uk last year to meet her in person but decided to stay in a hotel just to give themselves time to adjust to actually being with each other and not jump into things. He was here for 3 weeks and left his hotel after 2 weeks because they really hit it off. He made an effort to date her, to meet her friends and family. They didn’t jump into sex, even though they had spoken about it a lot.
She took him sightseeing and they both paid their own way. It was a holiday for him to meet her but she was under no illusion that she had to pay for jr all.
They’ve since travelled to meet 3 more times and it seems like a natural long distance relationship.
Your partner seems like they might be using you or they don’t feel the same way they did when they were talking to you online.
You need to decide what to do, either talk to them about it or when they leave to go home you call it quits.
It’s all new and there should be excitement in it for you, you shouldn’t be left feeling like this.

caranations · 20/02/2022 09:04

So this person arrives, stays with you a week, has sex, has food and entertainment provided. And they can't be bothered to give you a kiss or get you a valentine's card? That's awful.

When are they leaving?

CrumpetStrumpet · 20/02/2022 09:11

They're using you op.

Send them packing and work on yourself before you get into another relationship

germsandcoffee · 20/02/2022 09:13

I couldn't have sex without a good kiss 😳

Yellowleadbetter · 20/02/2022 09:18

I mean this in the kindest way, but you have been handed a mahoosive shit sandwich by a shit sandwich vendor.

Get rid and Chuck it in the fuck it bucket,

Next.

Monty27 · 20/02/2022 09:25

OP it's not stupid to feel so upset.
It's sad you fell for a wrong un. It happens to the best. All you have to do now is get the loser out of your life.

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