@Trueblues
So I did bring it up and it didn’t go well. It escalated into him storming off and me needing to apologise. Again. This is how these things always end up. He’s annoyed because I control the sex. I get to say when it happens. So I’m not really sure where to go from here. It’s always a “battle of wills” or some sort of competition with not letting me win or something. Rather than an exchange of honest opinions from people who care about each other and want the best for each other. So it’s shut me down again. I’m always left feeling sick to the stomach. He battles me over everything. He’s disgruntled and difficult. I’m wondering if we need a mediator actually because he can’t hear what I say without having his back up and he can’t talk to me without blowing up and becoming angry/storming off.
He’s annoyed because I control the sex. I get to say when it happens. So I’m not really sure where to go from here. It’s always a “battle of wills” or some sort of competition with not letting me win or something.
This stands out.
If he says you control the sex, thats abusive. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you and control you. Its trying to force you to have sex when you don't want it. That forcing you to think about consenting when you don't want because you are under undue pressure. Thats not valid consent.
The reality here is its healthy in a relationship for a woman to say when she wants sex. It shows she's respected and has agency. The moment this is used against her that says the relationship is breaking down in other ways. Its not about the sex. Its about control and lack of respect.
He thinks he owns you.
The whole battle of wills thing, is more of the same.
Seriously this isn't about the sex. You need to think about the whole relationship and how he values you and how he respects you. Cos this sounds like he expects you to obey him and put out on demand because thats his right. Its not.
A mediator isn't going to solve this.
Why? Cos its your suggestion. He doesn't think you need it and he will only go along with the attitude to prove you wrong. If you can convince him to go at all. He thinks he's right and you are being difficult and aren't putting in the effort.
If you go and it all works out ok and things improve, i will be amazed.
The problem here is that he doesn't want to make an effort. He thinks its your fault and your responsibility. He's looking around and comparing you to a fantasy, where of course the grass is greener. Its not reality. He probably is looking for a 'better option' out there if he hasn't already got one - and will keep hanging on to you for convenience until he finds it. At which point when hes ready to go he will drop you like a stone for a younger model, go through the whole process again.
You may need to really consider whether the relationship can be saved. And how protected you are long term financially and whats in the kids best interests. Cos this aint it.
Good luck. I think you have a long difficult road ahead.