DH has told me that our entire marriage has been crap

[Trueblues]

As in sex.
We’ve been married for more than a decade. We have two kids. Last night I was minding my own business watching a movie. He comes and decides to watch with me. There’s a scene where the characters get hot and steamy. He pipes up that we “used to be like that before we got married”. I was a bit shocked to be honest because although sex has dwindled the last few years due to lack of empathy, communication, leading to lack of connection which puts me off, it hasn’t always been like that. So I said “we’ve had hot sex since we’ve been married” he says “when”? in a nasty tone. We had a daytime quickie initiated by me about a week ago. He came, I didn’t but I thought we’d had a good time while we were doing it. I said “last week was pretty hot I thought” “not really” he says. Then he says “we just need to do it more” I dropped it at that point because there’s a history of this kind of conversation escalating and I’ve learnt to not argue my point if he’s upset me. It gets me nowhere but I’m really hurt and deflated. I feel like giving up to be honest. The issue with the “we need to do it more” is that I now don’t. He always gets his jollies but never finishes me off. I’m always left high and dry and after this conversation I’m left wondering what’s the point. What I want to be able to do is actually have a conversation with him about it but I can’t because he’s going to shut me down and we will get nowhere. Im wondering what other people would do in my position?

Honestly? Time to be blunt. I would let him know that he doesn’t make you come and if HE was better at it, you’d be up for it more often.

@Graphista

Governments are infantalising men keeping them occupied with an array of distractions, copious ammounts of unlimited porn, video games, gambling, football, posing in gyms everyday, pubs and clubs open till 6am in the morning.

Keep the aggresive sector (men) occupied with entertainment.

Basically everthing that prevents them growing up and becoming responsible fathers and partners.

As Stevie Wonder said they are living in a pastime paradise.

There is no shame in being a crap partner or dad in todays society.
Younger women have bought into the idea that men should be mollycoddled like children.

Selfish beings with self important values that do not prioritise women, children or the family unit.

I would insist that he finished me off!

He never gives you an orgasm? What does he say when you ask?

@SnowFlo

I don't and have never come during sex and I've slept with over 25 different men, a various number of times. I just can't. The only way I can get off is on my own with a vibrator.

But, the difference is, I don't care. I'm perfectly happy not coming during sex and don't feel like I've been "left high and dry".

Maybe it's because I'm aware that for me, it's my own issue. My partner does partake in foreplay and give me oral sex etc etc but nothing works. It feels good but I won't climax.

If your partner isn't at least trying, and it is very much down to him not bothering to try to satisfy you, then he's a dick, and I would be telling him that the reason I don't want to have more sex with him is because I never orgasm. I wouldn't try to hurt DP by saying that because he does try - it's me.

I would feel very hurt by his words. YANBU.

Why are you happy with this? It's not a satisfying sex life

“I said “last week was pretty hot I thought””

Being disingenuous isn’t going to help. He was honest with wanting to improve your sex life and you could have been honest too.
You don’t orgasm, he needs to know this isn’t okay.

@Paganfreya1988

Perhaps you are both a bit in a rut, I am not taking sides, but if both parties are willing, save a special time for you both, no rushing about, no kids. Perhaps start off either on a date night, or make a special meal. Run a nice bath with candles, bubbles, if no bath, do the same with a shower, however both of you in the bath or shower, sexy right. Wear some sexy lingerie, get some handcuffs, a bit of role play, let me massage you with essential oils. Don’t make it all about him, both do some touching etc, so that way, he has to wait, but gives you time to be ready for your orgasm . Both parties have to work at it, and for your husband not to take you for granted. Good luck

Dear god. Don't do this. Its just fucking desperate. And deeply unsexy precisely because its so contrived and forced.

Why are you happy with this? It's not a satisfying sex life

Because no matter what me and my partner's have tried, I have not been able to orgasm during sex. And tbh, the more a man tries and puts off his own orgasm to make me finish, it just puts me off the sex all together because then it feels like a show, like I'm in a spotlight waiting to come, plus I take ages to come even with a vibrator and I don't want to be fingered or have oral performed on me for that long, not that it would work.

I'm perfectly happy making myself come. It's my personal time. Hell, because of meds sometimes I can't even get myself off these days.

As I said, if my partner's never tried to make me cum that would be different.

Was in exactly the same situation with my ex and finally gave him what I thought was the shock news that he’d never ever made me cum in 20 years of being together. He wasn’t bothered at all and still thought that I should have sex for his sake. He was a selfish arse in all other areas too

@Trueblues

The issue is now I have no way to approach or reopen the conversation.

You fight or give up. Either talk about it, yell about it, say your piece or just live like this until it all blows up.

He simply wants more sex with you. Yet he is not emotionally intelligent enough to figure out how to get it. So he’s sulking and whining and being passive aggressive. All the things that turn a woman on, right?

I think some men are very immature, and cannot remember what happened 5 days ago never mind see the overall picture. He sounds oblivious to the connection between his behavior and your interest in sec with him. He probably is the type to say women make no sense, like we are some massive puzzle that’s impossible to solve. So he makes things worse by acting like a child.

If he simply said “I’d love to have more sex with you!” he would probably get what he wants. Instead, he used words that created pain and drama that you won’t forget for a long time.

And you remember things clearly and see things in a more realistic way. You know it isn’t at all like he has described. But you do need to tell him that you aren’t going to sacrifice your own pleasure any longer, and if he’s not interested in making sure you enjoy yourself, too, you don’t need to be there for it.

It’s up to you how to handle it. I don’t think silence will improve the situation.

Why is it down to you to start a conversation? If you care about his pleasure, isn’t it obvious that he should care about yours? He should be asking you what you like along the way, not waiting for an announcement after 10 years of crap sex. He sounds totally selfish.

Tell him you want oral to make you cum before you move on. If he says no then no sex for him.

I think I'd say something like "Yeah, it's always been crap for me too. I'm afraid you're not very good at it but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Still, since you don't care about mine, guess I can be honest, can't I?"

I think the
“We need to just do it more” is a red herring.
He cums but still doesn’t think the sex is hot. You no longer orgasm and so I think perhaps he has picked up on this. He clearly wants you to come because he wants sex to be the way it used to be with you.
This is what has changed.
You seem to be refusing to discuss all this with him and are invalidating what he is saying even though you know it to be true.
When you refused to acknowledge the situation I think he then just wanted to shut down the conversation, hence the “we just need to do it more” cop out.
I don’t think he actually wants more sex but clearly wants better sex just like you do.

NEVER let a complete arsehole make you feel like shit.

I think there is some irony in there somewhere !.

Your partner is bad in bed.

I don't get why people are framing this guy as some poor man who wants to have more sex with his wife and is just so frustrated he can't make her come. He's not even TRYING - he stops as soon as he's got off! How can he expect her to be more into it when he does such a piss poor job? How could anyone want more sex with a man who puts in so little effort? I mean occasionally if you don't/can't fine, it can still be fun, but getting no orgasms from sex with your husband because he doesn't consider your orgasms necessary is such a turn off. I would lose so much respect for him tbh.

Also there’s a history of this kind of conversation escalating and I’ve learnt to not argue my point if he’s upset me - sounds like he's self-centred in more ways than one?

Please don't feel small OP. I bet you're as good at sex as you think you are tbh. Sounds like he's not enjoying sex because he knows he sucks at it. Like I have no fun playing netball because I know I'm terrible.

If you’ve learnt not to argue your point as in the past when you have, there’s a history of this type of conversation escalating, then he’s not going to want to back down now.
It’s sad that he would be thought of by some as doing you a favour by changing, when it just should be the basics of a happy relationship
How much more time are you willing to invest in such a selfish man and lover ?

He needs to grow up. The sex you see on films is not real for starters. Secondly if the sex he is having is rubbish he holds responsibility for it being rubbish as well. You aren't there to provide him with the sort of sex life seen in porn films. and, quite frankly, it's impossible to keep a level of intensity going forever. It's bloody tiring for starters.
I'd tell him you don't enjoy it either, so maybe you should separate/find others who do turn you on or both.

Fine to wait for him to bring it up again. You need to ask yourself what your concerns are about it escalating? Putting off the conversation could just be delaying the (potential) inevitable if the relationship has run its course?

So I did bring it up and it didn’t go well. It escalated into him storming off and me needing to apologise. Again. This is how these things always end up. He’s annoyed because I control the sex. I get to say when it happens. So I’m not really sure where to go from here. It’s always a “battle of wills” or some sort of competition with not letting me win or something. Rather than an exchange of honest opinions from people who care about each other and want the best for each other. So it’s shut me down again. I’m always left feeling sick to the stomach. He battles me over everything. He’s disgruntled and difficult. I’m wondering if we need a mediator actually because he can’t hear what I say without having his back up and he can’t talk to me without blowing up and becoming angry/storming off.

How awful, I’m sorry it didn’t go well.

Why did you apologise? What did you do or say that meant you owed him an apology? It seems he’s got you trained to pretend his version of events is the correct version.

Has it always been like this? If not, then a mediator might be a good idea. If it has always been a bit like this then I think you’re probably on a losing wicket.

Trueblues, did you bring up the lack of reciprocation on his part—that he is only concerned with his pleasure?