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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was this abuse

34 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 19/02/2022 17:43

I've been divorced for a little while now. A long marriage with 3 kids. I'm early 40s if that's relevant.

Most days I am fine but today, something he said has stuck with me and i just dont know if I'm right or wrong anymore. I know it doesn't matter but, I just can't see straight.

One of the reasons I left hubby, apart from some online indiscretions, was because of his temper. He never hit me. But hes a big guy and if everything wasnt "ok" and calm, he was moody and irritable. I worked hard to make sure things were tidy at home and that the kids didnt annoy him when he got in from work. He would sit in the front room have dinner watch TV and then sleep. Rinse and repeat for years but generally, a happy relationship and he was kind to me most of the time, good provider, generally nice enough guy. But i hated having to make sure nothing was messy (even though he was!), that the kids didnt scream and shout when he got in. I dealt with everything like all mums do. House, kids, pets, my job, everything. All he did was work. I even served him his dinner every night.

Anyway whenever we had a row which wasn't often but when it did happen, he would always shout, hold his breath and look at me as if to say "shut up or I'll kick off" or, if I didn't stop, would indeed kick off by smashing things. A door, a table, whatever was close by. This always stopped me. I wasnt scared of him but then kids would get so upset it broke me! So i would shut up, just to smooth things over for them.

He always did this. Every row ended like this. A row could never just be a verbal argument, he always always had to smash something in pure temper.

I told him this in a Frank conversation yesterday in answer to his question of why cant we try again?

Now I'm torn. Should I try again. He did make me happy sometimes, I do love him, we were together for over 20 years. Is this enough of a reason? Was it abuse? I was never ever scared and he never hit me. I was just worried for the kids, that they'd be upset by the smashing up and seeing me cry. This would only happen maybe once a year though, the big argument, all other times were generally ok although he is controlling and he cant handle stress at all and that's what makes him explode sometimes.

He says though, all other areas, he was ok. That's kind of true, except he never contributed anything apart from money to the family. Always plenty of money but never any time for them. Work came first, always.

I'm so mixed up. Can anyone help me?

OP posts:

BBCONEANDTWO · 19/02/2022 17:46

Don't go back - if you go back he will get much worse because he knows he's got away with it and you have put up with it by going back.

DowntonCrabby · 19/02/2022 17:50

Yes, just the having to walk on eggshells/ few you had to keep things tidy/ keep the kids quiet was all abuse. Thats before it escalates to “I’ll kick off” during a row.

You deserve better OP and your DC deserve not to grow up in a home under that control. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!

me4real · 19/02/2022 17:50

Absolutely abuse- attempted intimidation of you and your children.

Often blokes who demonstrate violence to/via objects with their partners present, do go on to eventually be violent.

Susu49 · 19/02/2022 17:50

*Anyway whenever we had a row which wasn't often but when it did happen, he would always shout, hold his breath and look at me as if to say "shut up or I'll kick off" or, if I didn't stop, would indeed kick off by smashing things. A door, a table, whatever was close by. This always stopped me. I wasnt scared of him but then kids would get so upset it broke me! So i would shut up, just to smooth things over for them.

He always did this. Every row ended like this. A row could never just be a verbal argument, he always always had to smash something in pure temper*

Yes, this was abusive behaviour.

No, being "happy sometimes" is not a reason to consider getting back together with someone.

Run for the hills.

StormyWindow · 19/02/2022 17:55

Yes it was abuse and the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none so no you shouldn't try again. The fact that so many of us have such low expectations that we accept the kind of behaviour you describe and think it's 'not that bad' is incredibly sad. And they never change so you absolutely know what you would be going back to, please don't do it OP

thefrogsaretoonoisy · 19/02/2022 17:57

Yep that's abuse. Probably would have been a lot more frequent except that you kept things like the kids and yourself agreeable and quiet and non confrontational. He'd shown you how horrible he would be if he got upset. Even being moody is controlling and emotionally abusive.
Don't go anywhere near him.

withiceplease · 19/02/2022 18:05

Agree as above
Also, did you ever get a night off alone? To catch up with friends/drinks/Pilates or anything like that? Leaving him with children?

Regularsizedrudy · 19/02/2022 18:06

Of course this was abuse! It’s CLASSIC. TEXTBOOK. ABUSE. Please please please do not go back.

Suzanne999 · 19/02/2022 18:08

There were only fewer than one big smash up event each year because you backed down, you walked around on eggshells, you kept the peace.
Do you really want to live like that again? I expect exH wants to try again because he had the life of Riley. You run around serving his meals, caring for the house, the kids, the dog and going to work and he……. Well does eff all really.
Your choice but remember what life was like with him and remember it won’t change.

bigbeatmanifesto · 19/02/2022 18:11

I hat you've described is the definition of coercive control.
Making you do things or act a certain way with the use of threats.

bigbeatmanifesto · 19/02/2022 18:12

What* not I hat

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/02/2022 18:16

I ltb. He spent 6 months faking a new leaf turned over and remorse...
We got married.
Within 2 weeks he was back to his old ways.
IME DO NOT GO BACK. HE HASN'T CHANGED

JUST BECOME MORE SLY.

You have ripped the plaster off. The hardest bit is done. Suggest he uses his energies to be a better df now instead.

Orgasmagorical · 19/02/2022 18:16

Does giving it a name make a difference? Think back to your feelings during all those years of trying to stop anyone or anything from annoying him, of altering your behaviour to keep him happy. Do you want to go back to that? Do you think that because he didn't hit you he's worth another shot? Really? Read over your post again, what have you said in there that makes you confused about giving him another chance?

He will not have changed. If you take him back he will have won that little battle and his abuse will be worse.

cheapskatemum · 19/02/2022 18:21

I agree with others, don't go back. You say you weren't ever scared of him, but something stopped you saying anything to him in all the years you were married about his temper and how he always broke things when he got angry. I would call that something fear.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 18:26

That is abuse.

Now I'm torn. Should I try again.

Of course not. I don't know why you would even be contemplating it.

I really think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme. Www.Freedomprogramme.co.uk

Partly to help you understand and process but also to help you protect yourself better as it sounds like despite having divorced you are still under his control, mentally at least.

Also stop having these conversations with him as he is continuing to abuse you. You're divorced, why are these conversations happening?

You don't have to engage with him and listen to his nonsense anymore - he doesn't get to dictate your reality. Just because he says his behaviour was acceptable doesn't mean that's true or that you have to agree.

Abuse is about power and control, not whether or not he hit you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 18:28

No no and no. Do not try again with him.

Abuse is about power and control. This man wanted absolute control over you all at home in his own little fiefdom. You had to ensure that not a thing was out of place and the kids needed to be both quiet and subserviant too.

What you've described in your initial post is domestic violence; smashing things up is an example of this. He was moody towards you and in turn your kids; that's emotional abuse right there. His controlling behaviour is abusive too. Your smoothing over things was your reaction to his domestic violence; you became conditioned into doing that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 18:31

What relationship example did you see as a child?. Did your own father treat your mother similarly when you were growing up?

Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as well as reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You do not have to at all converse with him. I would also think you have confused love with codependency.

DoubleHelix79 · 19/02/2022 18:53

"I dealt with everything like all mums do."

I assure you they do not. DH deals with (sometimes more than) his fair share of childcare, housework and admin. Even my own father, who was born in 1939 cooked, looked after us and was (and is) a capable partner to my mum. Your expectations in that regard are definitely not high enough and he's not a great partner (aside from the more obvious problem of intimidating you and the children on a regular basis).

Watchkeys · 19/02/2022 19:03

I was just worried for the kids, that they'd be upset by the smashing up and seeing me cry

Call it abuse, call it poor treatment, call it Fred, call it whatever you want. Never go back to any situation where somebody has any kind of history of making you or you kids feel this way.

Original poster

Sonaftersonafterson · 19/02/2022 19:09

Sitting here crying and I just cant stop. Thank you for validating me. I feel so fucking messed up, like other women have it so much worse I just cant think straight but Thank You to everyone who replied, the tears are flowing but I guess that's ok

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/02/2022 19:12

But other women having a worse life doesn't mean you should live like that. You were terrified and he knew it. The children were terrified and he knew it. Just because he was nice some of the time, doesn't mean you should go back to living like that.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but going back to him really would be a huge mistake.

Watchkeys · 19/02/2022 19:14

Some people will always have it worse or better than you, unless you are the individual person in the worst or best position in the world, so that's really not a good metric for judging your situation.

You're not messed up. Follow your feelings. You know that you really feel that the way he treats you is wrong, and harmful to you. Latch onto that feeling, and pull away from anything that makes you feel wrongness. Avoiding that course of action for a long time is what's making you feel messed up now. Stop avoiding it, and you'll be validating yourself. You'll feel a lot better.

Suzi888 · 19/02/2022 19:16

Walking on egg shells is a terrible way to live.
Yes, he was abusive and acted like a spoiled brat.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 19:23

There will always be someone somewhere having a worse time than you. It's not really relevant.

Can you imagine a world where only one person out of 7 billion humans at a time was allowed to be supported or say they were suffering or something bad had happened to them?

Because that's where your logic ends up!

You should not have been abused but you were. It's ok to call it what it is - actually I think it's very important that you give yourself permission to call it what it is, abuse, or you can't move forward from it.

Susu49 · 19/02/2022 19:34

Oh love, the tears are just because you knew along along, deep down. As you say, you've been validated.

Remember, you're free.

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