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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ARGH toxic family and missing a wedding because of Eunice

46 replies

GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 15:54

I need to have a bit of a rant as I'm feeling really rattled by a situation with my family.

Backstory: my childhood was pretty abusive / neglectful with a (probably) narcissistic mother who was utterly toxic and goaded my brothers (both 10yrs + older than me) into merciless and constant teasing / bullying to the point where I was seriously fucked up as a young adult and had to spend a lot of time on sorting myself out.

As an adult, I am LC with my parents and not seeing DBs during lockdown made me realise I quite like having them in the periphery of my life too.

Toxic comments etc have already started up with my DD to try to get her to join in the "banter" aimed at / against me.

However, my DBs' kids are amazing - all in their late 20s now. One got married yesterday and we had to cancel attending. We were in a red weather warning zone AND stuff like branches, roof tiles, trellis etc was being blown about. I desperately wanted to go but it was just too risky.

Anyway, I'm now getting loads of horrible messages about how we'd let everyone down (NB everyone else was staying at the hotel which was the reception venue and 5 mins walk from the service - we hadn't been invited to stay over so needed to travel 1hr+ each way on unreliable trains in storm conditions).

WIBU just to tell them all to fuck off?

No way was I putting my DD at risk to travel when there was a "do not travel" message out and shit was blowing around? I also think they only wanted us to attend so we could play the happy families fantasy retelling of our earlier years (gaslighting??). What if we'd been hurt (or worse)? What if we had been stranded not being able to get home afterwards because of the trains being cancelled (they actually were cancelled later in the afternoon)?

I feel awful not to have shown up for my niece's big day and I bet all the bitching about me has reached fever pitch but I genuinely think I made the right decision. Things were being blown around in the air - not just being blown around on the ground where you have a hope in hell of avoiding them, but flying through the air.

Argh.

I feel really guilty and it's driving me nuts as I know I shouldn't. DD's safety was my priority which is as it should be. BTW she was devastated not to go but looked outside and also agreed it was too dangerous.

Any thoughts welcome - I'm also open to being told I should have gone if that's what you think as I really have no compass on this now.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 15:54

PS I did tell them in advance we couldn't make it, I didn't just not show up (if that makes a difference)

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 19/02/2022 16:00

Of course you made the right decision. Red warnings are not to be messed with. Call your niece tell her that you love her. Nurture your relationship with her and the rest can all fuck off forever

Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 16:07

Thank you movingonup I actually think she'll get it. I just feel like I'm going mad - SIL has said it wasn't at all windy where they were (in the red warning area) and I basically feel that Eunice only happened in my head!

OP posts:
FluteSongs · 19/02/2022 16:08

Yep calm your niece or write to her. All those who are bitching and trying to get your DD even involved, well you see their true colours, as you suggest not for the first time. How horrible. Don’t engage with them.

FluteSongs · 19/02/2022 16:08

phone your niece or write to her. autocorrect!

Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 16:10

Thanks Flute that's helpful to hear ... you're right that engaging isn't going to help.

Whatever my explanation, it's not going to be good enough is it?

OP posts:
HeadToToesNo · 19/02/2022 16:10

Write your neice a letter to explain why you couldn't come and that you are sorry and wish her all the best for the future, and then cut off your parents and the rest of them.

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 16:11

Toxic comments etc have already started up with my DD to try to get her to join in the "banter" aimed at / against me.
You need to go properly NC with the arseholes.

WIBU just to tell them all to fuck off?
Grin YANBU!
In fact - I encourage you to make a game of it for your own amusement & empowerment.
One by one, as each of them sends you their next vile message, just respond "I am soooooo bored of your bullying, it's time for you to fuck off now" ... & then BLOCK THEM.

Stay in touch with the decent nieces & nephews, but ffs protect yourself & DD from the rest of this bunch.

Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 16:14

Thanks Headtotoes and Chargingbuck

I'm particularly loving the idea of turning it into a game. That's actually just taken a load of guilt weight off my shoulders right there!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 16:31

Listen up Gin - that guilt? It's entirely misplaced. It comes from an entire childhood of being put down, scapegoated & ridiculed.

Have you visited the Stately Homes threads round these parts?
Full of wisdom, support & black humour - you will find your tribe there, & I suspect you need one.
Also, resource & reading recommendations, to help you make sense of stuff as you navigate your way out of these toxic arseholes' undeserving lives :) Flowers

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 16:34

PS I genuinely hope you do 'play the text game'.
You will be amazed at how cathartic & freeing it is.
And as soon as you have blocked each one of them, you are PROPERLY NC forever. No comeback, no more mindgames, no more bullying.

In a few months, so many of the stale old toxic 'voices' will have disappeared that you will scarcely recognise yourself. Go for it! Wine

Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 16:47

Thanks Charging I’ll check that out!

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 19/02/2022 17:11

They are bastards and you are the family scapegoat. How shit for you Thanks

You have been entirely reasonable! It would have been thoroughly irresponsible to go under the circumstances, and they are being ridiculous to say otherwise. It is just pure spiteful bullying.

Keep yourself and your daughter away from these people.

If you have lovely nieces and nephews, keep in touch with them, and give the rest an extremely wide berth.

Do not waste one more second on misplaced guilt.

It would have been utterly reckless and stupid to make that journey.

Comefromaway · 19/02/2022 17:15

You did the right thing.

We were only in an Amber area and all dh’s trains were cancelled with trees etc on the lines. At one station passengers were not allowed to wait at the station, they had to wait in the costa by the entrance due to debris flying around.

I’m sure your niece will understand.

Original poster
GinIsMySaviour · 19/02/2022 20:34

Thank you fantastic and comefromaway

It really helps to get perspectives on this. I feel a bit less crazy and appreciate your responses. The dissonance between putting my daughter’s safety first vs all the crap from my family is insane and I’m grateful for objective views.

Thank you x

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 20/02/2022 00:01

Daughter or no daughter, your own safety is also important! And the lives of the people working for emergency services too, who have to go and rescue people that have ventured out in such dangerous conditions... There is good reason for the red weather warnings. Going to a wedding is not essential, certainly not a reason to risk lives and it would have been really irresponsible to do it, regardless of who would have been in the car.

toddybell · 20/02/2022 08:47

Please don't feel bad. I missed missed my youngest sibling's wedding for their similar behaviours up to the run-up to their wedding. There was no storm or anything else to use as an excuse. I spent many years NC with the family as a result but because these people tend to suck you back in, I'm now extremely LC and am cautious to increase contact as they demand so am using the grey rock technique to filter them out. I get called all sorts too. I'd say keep referring to the storm as an excuse (because it genuinely was why you didn't attend) and then mute any chats, groups, etc. that you're part of.

toddybell · 20/02/2022 09:04

Whatever my explanation, it's not going to be good enough is it?

No (sorry). I agree with the poster above, contact the bride and groom personally and explain but filter your family out.

ugifletzet · 20/02/2022 09:19

I can relate to your situation. My sister (much older than me) was a terrible bully when I was growing up and she remains critical of me even as an adult. Insisting there was "no wind" while she was literally in the middle of a red warning is just the sort of thing she'd do if she wanted me to go out in a storm and I tried to refuse her.

Even if you had been to the wedding, they would have been criticising you and bullying you. Your absence is just the latest convenient focus. If you'd turned up they would have found something else to taunt or rebuke you over, because all their interactions with you are based on humiliation and bullying. There's no reason to suppose this wedding would have been different.

Cultivate a relationship with your niece and ignore the others. Personally I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of a final goodbye text. Just say nothing and block. Look up the grey rock technique.

blacksax · 20/02/2022 09:37

WIBU just to tell them all to fuck off?

Go right ahead, in foot-high bloody neon capitals.

What awful people. Look, if a bunch of people in your friendship group or a group of former work colleagues were this toxic, you wouldn't let them treat you like this, you'd have told them to fuck off long ago.

You do not have to maintain any relationship with these people just because you have the misfortune to be related to them.

Whatever my explanation, it's not going to be good enough, is it?

You have already told them why you didn't go. End of. You do not need to hand them another stick so they can beat you with it.

All you need to do is write a note to the newlyweds expressing your disappointment at having to cancel your plans, and wishing them well. Let the rest of them go fuck themselves.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 20/02/2022 09:41

We were only yellow and I still didn’t go out - trees coming down over all the footpaths and a roof tile embedded in a door (not mine).

SafeMove · 20/02/2022 09:54

Sometimes, if you do tell them to fuck off you don't get the backlash you expect. My ex bullied and controlled me (and hit me) so I left him in 2014. Unfortunately we still have to have contact as we have DC and I remained scared of him and cowed right up until this last year - I have had to have an induced menopause and for sone reason it has made me stand up for myself and give no fucks.

People have walked all over me historically and I have recently told them to fuck off and put my foot down with them and it has actually worked. ExH has backed down on stuff he never would. Putting yourself and your DD's safety first is the first step in your road to honouring yourself. Tell them to get to fuck. Remove their power and direct it to yourself. It feels great, honestly.

Winter2020 · 20/02/2022 10:03

Hi OP,
I would send a card apologising to the bride and groom and saying how disappointed that you were that you couldn't make it on the day. I would also send a cheque to cover my best estimate of the cost per head of me/my family being invited. I think the main ammunition against you would be "they had paid £40 each for your place" or whatever "and could have asked someone else....." so if you have reimbursed that would take the wind out of that argument (no pun intended). It couldn't be helped and they are being unreasonable but they are probably disappointed that you couldn't attend and can't see from your point of view. I would just repeat to all messages not willing to put my daughter at risk/do not travel warning etc.

caranations · 20/02/2022 10:39

On the whole, I would just completely ignore any messages and contact with the family now. All they are doing is winding you up even further, and nothing you do or say will appease them, they are far too toxic and enjoy having you as a scapegoat. The B&G will now be out of the picture and on honeymoon for a while, so they probably won't be party to all the backstabbing that's going on. As pp's suggest, write them a nice note saying how disappointed you were that you were unable to attend. I would suggest though, that you don't say sorry or apologise, just say how much you had been looking forward to it and express your sadness and disappointment to have missed their special day.

Mountainpika · 20/02/2022 11:57

It's nothing to do with the family. The only people to talk to are the bride and groom, giving your reasons. Reasons - not excuses.