ARGH toxic family and missing a wedding because of Eunice

[GinIsMySaviour]

I need to have a bit of a rant as I'm feeling really rattled by a situation with my family.

Backstory: my childhood was pretty abusive / neglectful with a (probably) narcissistic mother who was utterly toxic and goaded my brothers (both 10yrs + older than me) into merciless and constant teasing / bullying to the point where I was seriously fucked up as a young adult and had to spend a lot of time on sorting myself out.

As an adult, I am LC with my parents and not seeing DBs during lockdown made me realise I quite like having them in the periphery of my life too.

Toxic comments etc have already started up with my DD to try to get her to join in the "banter" aimed at / against me.

However, my DBs' kids are amazing - all in their late 20s now. One got married yesterday and we had to cancel attending. We were in a red weather warning zone AND stuff like branches, roof tiles, trellis etc was being blown about. I desperately wanted to go but it was just too risky.

Anyway, I'm now getting loads of horrible messages about how we'd let everyone down (NB everyone else was staying at the hotel which was the reception venue and 5 mins walk from the service - we hadn't been invited to stay over so needed to travel 1hr+ each way on unreliable trains in storm conditions).

WIBU just to tell them all to fuck off?

No way was I putting my DD at risk to travel when there was a "do not travel" message out and shit was blowing around? I also think they only wanted us to attend so we could play the happy families fantasy retelling of our earlier years (gaslighting??). What if we'd been hurt (or worse)? What if we had been stranded not being able to get home afterwards because of the trains being cancelled (they actually were cancelled later in the afternoon)?

I feel awful not to have shown up for my niece's big day and I bet all the bitching about me has reached fever pitch but I genuinely think I made the right decision. Things were being blown around in the air - not just being blown around on the ground where you have a hope in hell of avoiding them, but flying through the air.

Argh.

I feel really guilty and it's driving me nuts as I know I shouldn't. DD's safety was my priority which is as it should be. BTW she was devastated not to go but looked outside and also agreed it was too dangerous.

Any thoughts welcome - I'm also open to being told I should have gone if that's what you think as I really have no compass on this now.

Thanks for reading!

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read and reply. This has really helped me feel less rattled.

I am sorry to hear about people who have experienced similar situations with their families. I was just talking to DH about what it must be like to have a functional family that doesn't try to belittle and shame you at every turn (his upbringing wasn't great either - for different reasons).

I will definitely write to the B&G and thanks to those who have advised sharing our disappointment that the storm meant we couldn't attend rather than apologising - good point. Although I'm sure my family think I am personally responsible for Eunice, I'm relatively sure I didn't cause it.

Ugifletzet yes you are totally right. Had we been able to attend, I would have been criticised for something - my outfit, hair, parenting style etc. At least this way, they can ONLY criticise me for not attending.

Winter your point about offering a reimbursement is a good one however it has made me remember yet another thing in the catalogue of horrors about the wedding prep. I was told that there would be no food for DD or me as we have a (very common) food allergy that apparently the cooks at the venue couldn't accommodate. So under normal circumstances, you are absolutely right that I should offer them money towards the costs but I think they'd budgeted for 2 x tap water and that would have been about it!

Thank you hugely again for all your replies. I'm furious that I am in a position where I feel like this on top of the disappointment of not being able to go. Your perspectives on it all have really helped though so I'm very grateful x

"I'm just too old to put up with being bullied or ganged up on to be honest. It's really weird you're still doing it."

Then block.

That's along the lines of what I sent to my older brother who has bullied me from the day I can remember.

It was only when I met my partner and he almost immediately pointed out what an obviously colossal cunt and bully my brother is, and how batshit it is that my family don't step in or have my back, that I realised it's ok to break ranks.

I needed an outsider to tell me that.

We are your outside perspective - they're pricks and you are well within your rights to draw a line under your relationship with them, disengage and walk away head held high.

you'vegotten thanks for sharing your experience.

Yes it is about breaking ranks. My family is actually mostly military (I'm not) so I feel that phrase is particularly apt. You also make a great point about the perpetrators and then the utter unwillingness of anyone else to step in.

I think if my family saw a stranger being treated the way they treat me, they'd intervene but somehow because it's me, it's all fine. I have had to confront a lot of chilling realisations about my childhood while bringing up my fabulous DD and there's something about the whole situation where it was just acceptable to treat me like shit right from the start. I feel like I was always seen as a second class citizen and I've struggled to break away from than in my own head. I'm mostly okay now but it's things like this that bring it all flooding back.

With such a big age gap were you an accidental pregnancy? Jus wondering if the life changes having a baby brought about means you became the source of blame for everything they weren't happy about in their lives?

Utterly vile people the lot of them.

You need to step even further back!!

RandomMess yes good point. I suspect I may have been and I can definitely relate to being the source of blame for everything. Interestingly, when DH first met my parents, he said it was like my mother still had selective post partum depression and associated me only with bad things.

I went to boarding school when I was 10 and I was still blamed for things even when I wasn't at home. For example my mother was convinced our neighbours were trying to spy on the house and get in to snoop. She said this was because I'd been telling lies about my parents to them. I'd never even met these people as my parents moved while I was at school and I hadn't been to the new house yet.

I think my mother definitely has some mental wellness issues and I suspect I became a convenient excuse for it all so neither she nor anyone else had to confront her problems. Hard to say really if it was genuine MH issues or just batshittery.

Seriously just go extremely low contact, and then NC if that doesn't work.

You deserve a happy and healthy life and they are doing their best to destroy that.

I think I'm just struggling with the frustration that I can't win them. One of my friends said if I could walk on water, they would say it was because I couldn't swim. That made me laugh but sums it up nicely.

So awful to accept that they are so set in their ways about seeing me in a negative light that literally nothing I can do will change it.

I'm just going to have accept though aren't I? Bloody horrendous.

However, I've learnt a lot about how not to parent so that's a plus!

So awful to accept that they are so set in their ways about seeing me in a negative light that literally nothing I can do will change it.

I completely get how this feels. The injustice of it is so horrible to accept.

I think with my brother I had to come to accept that he was always going to feel that way about me and say those things about me and I could choose to continue to witness it or walk away.

I can't change that he has cast me in a particular role, but I can choose not to watch him do it or hear about him doing it.

So I just live my life without him in it, feeling some pity towards him that he now has to maintain this hatred of me without me even being present.

youvegottenminuteslynn injustice is exactly it.

Injustice with some powerlessness and the hypervigilance for what the next criticism is going to be about.

Really good point about not hanging around to witness the shit even if I can't do much about what they say, think or do.

I am definitely old enough to know this won't change. TBH the wedding had kind of been hanging over me a bit anyway as I really wanted to support my wonderful niece but I was dreading seeing everyone else.

Interesting what you say about pity. I can relate to that a bit. I do feel sorry for them that they don't get to see my lovely DD and talk to her about everything she loves. My fear is that they are already starting to say things on zoom calls like "isn't your mummy such a bully," and "what does your mummy know anyway, I wouldn't listen to her if I were you." This put DD in a horrid situation and I haven't let them talk to her since.

I am SO fortunate to have loads of fabulous things going on in my life and lots of great people so it's not like I NEED my blood relatives to like me. Maybe I just need to let the frustration go and leave them to it. I thoroughly suspect that if I go NC, they'll still be bitching about me decades from now but with no new material, it'll be quite repetitive!

Oh I think I've turned this thread into a bit of a therapy session rather than just asking for advice for the wedding situation. My apologies! I can't tell you how helpful, reassuring and validating all the comments are!

I do feel sorry for them that they don't get to see my lovely DD and talk to her about everything she loves. My fear is that they are already starting to say things on zoom calls like "isn't your mummy such a bully," and "what does your mummy know anyway, I wouldn't listen to her if I were you." This put DD in a horrid situation and I haven't let them talk to her since.

You're absolutely doing the right thing in stopping them having contact with your DD.

They'll centre themselves in this and view it as you punishing them. It isn't. It's you keeping your daughter safe.

It's dangerous to make a child feel that their parent is a bully, is unkind, is unreliable, is not trustworthy etc because it makes that child feel insecure and anxious.

So don't ever fall into the 'I am depriving my daughter of a gran / uncle / whatever else by stopping contact' because serving her up on a plate to become part of this fucked up dynamic would be bad parenting.

What you're doing - keeping her away from them, is good parenting. Just because someone is a relation doesn't mean they can't be toxic. And being a relation isn't a free pass for a lifetime of bad behaviour towards anyone else.

You sound lovely and clearly want to protect your DD. Break the cycle by disengaging, for sure

WIBU just to tell them all to fuck off?

Not in the slightest.

Tell your niece why you couldn't come and block the family members you don't want contract with.

I agree with youvegottenminuteslynn

"You're absolutely doing the right thing in stopping them having contact with your DD.

They'll centre themselves in this and view it as you punishing them. It isn't. It's you keeping your daughter safe."

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do feel sorry for them that they don't get to see my lovely DD and talk to her about everything she loves. My fear is that they are already starting to say things on zoom calls like "isn't your mummy such a bully," and "what does your mummy know anyway, I wouldn't listen to her if I were you." This put DD in a horrid situation and I haven't let them talk to her since.

You're absolutely doing the right thing in stopping them having contact with your DD.

They'll centre themselves in this and view it as you punishing them. It isn't. It's you keeping your daughter safe.

It's dangerous to make a child feel that their parent is a bully, is unkind, is unreliable, is not trustworthy etc because it makes that child feel insecure and anxious.

So don't ever fall into the 'I am depriving my daughter of a gran / uncle / whatever else by stopping contact' because serving her up on a plate to become part of this fucked up dynamic would be bad parenting.

What you're doing - keeping her away from them, is good parenting. Just because someone is a relation doesn't mean they can't be toxic. And being a relation isn't a free pass for a lifetime of bad behaviour towards anyone else.

You sound lovely and clearly want to protect your DD. Break the cycle by disengaging, for sure

THIS

Sorry for the delayed response, I was hiding from my phone taking a digital detox last night!

you'vegottenminuteslynn thank you. I think you are absolutely right. They will definitely use this as something to complain about "poor us, Gin is keeping us away from mini Gin as punishment but all we've done is to be a great family to her - WAH!"

I can hear the wailing already!

You are also very right to point out that criticising a parent in front of / to their child is damaging. Of course, they won't recognise that and they'll just be trying to get DD on their side like it's some kind of playground game.

Thank you italiangreyhound and mrsclatterbuck for your thoughts too - really helpful to know that I'm not going mad.

I have a hugely busy week this week so I'm hoping that the momentum of that will keep me going until it gets so far after the event that my genuine sadness at missing the wedding won't weaken my armour against all this shit.

Thank you all so much again. You've helped me be less of a wreck!

And remember, don't accept criticism from someone you wouldn't want advice from.

Are they in a position to be lecturing you about how to raise children who feel secure, safe, valued and loved? No. They didnt and still don't make you feel that way. So they've no authority to judge your parenting decisions. Don't give them that power in your head.

I know it's budget dependent but I found counselling really helpful for unravelling some of the family dynamics that were upsetting me. Again, it's having an outsiders contribution that makes such a difference.

You can't clearly see a fucked up family dynamic from the inside, let alone fix it! If the players involved are toxic then it's not fixable. In that case, all you can do is exactly what you've said - learn what not to do to your DD so she doesn't ever feel how you feel now.

The only thing that made me stop accepting similar behaviour from my family was watching them do it to my dc. That wasn’t okay.

Good lord, the idea that they'd informed you that you were required to come to the wedding but that obviously they couldn't provide food suitable for you is absolutely batshit, so much so that I'm afraid it's made me laugh. You're right, they are so used to you being the scapegoat for absolutely everything that even a new generation don't even see it. The less crazy ones may eventually do so if you set your own boundaries bit I wouldn't count on it tbh.

Thank you everyone. All excellent points.

I’ve found getting stuck into work today has really helped. I am super fortunate in that I meet lots of new people all the time with work and I’ve had such great conversations today that it’s restored my faith in people … and highlighted that screwed up toxic nonsense is not normal.

Who has the energy? I think I would find it hard to keep up the gaslighting and hatred all the time!

Hope everyone is having a lovely evening and huge thanks again x

OP just remember whether they recognise your point or agree to it is imaterual.

"You are also very right to point out that criticising a parent in front of / to their child is damaging. Of course, they won't recognise that and they'll just be trying to get DD on their side like it's some kind of playground game.*

You know that they ate toxic and you don't want them around your child. You do not owe them an explanation. The only person who may be entitled to know the ins and outs in limited age-apprioiate language is your child. If she ever asks why she doesn't see certain relatives, then you can explain home some people are not nice to be around.

Trust your own judgment.

Once they realise you won't be taking their shit

Anymore they may back off. But even if they do not, you put in your boundaries and enforce them.

Brilliant reminder from FantasticButtocks

"Daughter or no daughter, your own safety is also important! And the lives of the people working for emergency services too, who have to go and rescue people that have ventured out in such dangerous conditions."