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Original poster

Is he NTITM or am I being picky?

40 replies

Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 11:38

I met this guy on an online dating site 3 weeks ago. He has been divorced for 18 months. We mutually liked each other and got on really well chatting on the site. 5 days later, it was going really well, he asked we moved to whatsapp and i agreed. We had a lot of laughter, good banter. A couple of days after moving to whatsapp, i sent a video clip of myself wishing him well in a competition he had that day. He is very very into this hobby. I told him the clip was to wish him well but also so he could see me in real time and hear my voice. And know if he were still interested. He really appreciated the clip. I thought that would prompt him to either say 'hey, you haven't heard my voice, let's call' or maybe he will send me a voice note. That didn't happen but i thought there is no rush.

About day 8, while chatting at work a close work colleague mentioned that she usually doesn't go beyond day 2 without speaking with the person, that she would have spoken with them at this point. So i asked him if we could call, he agreed. We eventually spoke and it went really well. I mentioned to him that as i had asked for us to speak, he would be the one to ask for us to meet. He agreed.

We continued to get on really well. He messaged every morning sometimes i did and he would reply immediately. He sent me a couple of voice notes. Chatted to me a lot about his hobby and his plans for it but insisted it was something he could always stop and had taken the place of having a relationship because he had none.. He planned to cut down once he was in a relationship.

Just over a week ago, he asked me to keep this weekend free so we could meet up. He asked what i wanted to do etc. I said i couldn't meet on the sunday and he said Saturday was perfect. He never mentioned our meeting up again. He also had on a couple of occasions said, 'when can i call you today, it would be nice to hear your voice?' We would agree a time but he wouldn't call. And he didn't say anything about it.
His messages continued to be fun and talking about his day & life..or any topic as usual. Occasionally, a bit flirty. Nothing ever crude, rude or inappropriate.

A few days ago, he mentioned to me he has a competition today (saturday - the day he asked me to keep free). He didn't mention anything about our meeting up. I should have said something but i didn't because at that moment, it flagged up some concerns i had started having that he was not actually interested in me.

I knew about his ex, his kids, their birthdays, his parents and siblings, his hobby, his work, his dreams but he doesn't know how many kids I have, their ages, he only found out what my job is 4 days ago), he doesn't know if I have siblings or not, knows nothing about my parents, if i have any hobbies..I had started noticing he doesn't really ask me questions about myself. It wasn't a problem earlier on..I thought he didn't want to get too personal until he knew me a bit better. But as time went on, he still hasn't asked.

The last couple of days he hasn't messaged in the morning as usual. But has responded immediately i messaged him. Yesterday, i didn't message him. I was quite poorly. He didn't message me either throughout the day.

This morning, I messaged wishing good luck in his competition and hoping he is well. He responded immediately. He talked of being worried about the competition and hoped i was well. I told him yesterday had been rough but i was feeling better. He said sorry, make sure you rest, have some vitamins etc. Then went on to say, he has just realised that he is free this weekend and he is sorry he hadn't made arrangements for us to meet up this weekend. That he has got a major work thing coming up and he has been focused on that.

I told him that actually he had asked for me to keep today free but that's okay, he should get the work thing sorted.
He said, 'thanks for being understanding. I would like to grab you for a coffee, hopefully soon'.

No apologies.. No 'oh sorry i forgot' ..nothing. And what does 'hopefully soon' mean?
He has since continued to message as he normally would if he sees something interesting.

Thank you if you have gotten this far. I apologise for the long post plus the many boring details.

I am interested in him but I am starting to think i am wasting my time.

As you are distanced from it and are usually right about these things, I would appreciate your thoughts/advice/collective wisdom.

OP posts:
Mandofan · 19/02/2022 11:41

He’s a time waster. If a man really likes you he’ll make the effort to see you. Me and my DP had our first date 3 days after we matched on an app. Texting for weeks on end without meeting usually fizzles out

Oldtiredfedup · 19/02/2022 11:43

I’d throw this one back. At best he’s very disorganised/wedded to his job. At worst he’s playing the field and lying to you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 11:44

Don’t waste your time further here with such a man. He’s a time waster who loses interest very quickly and you still have not actually met in real life.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 19/02/2022 11:44

Yup, he’s got others on the go and you’re on thr back burner. Sorry op

Oldtiredfedup · 19/02/2022 11:45

To add - I had one like this. We dated for a while and then I allowed him to use me when he fancied it - I was very vulnerable. Turns out he was silmutaneously doing this with someone else at the same time. Men can be utter creeps

Planetzero1 · 19/02/2022 11:47

Yep time waster. Still talking about a coffee some time? And acting as if he hadn’t asked you to keep a day free? He’s the type to keep doing this to you.

PossiblyDreaming · 19/02/2022 11:47

I think he’s enjoying having someone to talk to about himself and his worries etc without having the need to learn anything about them in return. I don’t think he’s interested, sorry. It sounds more like you’re an ego boost that he keeps in his phone.

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/02/2022 11:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Natty13 · 19/02/2022 11:53

So my best friend is on the dating scene and is always right when it comes to advice for others who are as well (annoyingly so). The further on I read your post the louder I heard her voice "he's not into you. Red flag, red flag!"

Basically, if you put the same effort in as he is doing (not planning to meet up, not texting you but replying when you text him, not calling when he says he will) then it would fizzle out wouldn't it? Its only gone on this long because of the effort you've put in and you've put that effort in because you're interested (and far too often women are the "doers"). My friend always says, meet them ASAP to see if you get on. We had a conversation about this last summer at a girls night and she told another friend that if they don't suggest meeting up and actually make time I.e. give a concrete day and stick to it within the first 48h (1 week if you are older and want to take it sloooow) then they are not interested. The other friend told me recently she has implemented this attitude and its right (but don't tell my BF because she's always right lol!)

TopCatsTopHat · 19/02/2022 11:53

Well he's keeping you dangling rather nicely isn't he. Suspect you've found out why he's divorced, he's me me me, his news, his life, his schedule, his intuitive, or not... But of attention on tap whenever he wants it and minimal effort to keep that rocking along all quite nicely.
A genuine person would acknowledge they kinda stood you up but the fact that plans were never finalised means he can let that just slide by with a clear conscience for him but a rather deflated anti clamax feeling for you, which you have to bury cos...
Urgh.
This is a case of nice chat, had promise but time to check out. Clinging on past this point is futile, the way to losing self esteem and dignity. No-one who thinks a lot of you would leave you with these questions, it would be clear as day.

hashbrownsandwich · 19/02/2022 11:54

He's deffo got others on the go.

phizog · 19/02/2022 11:57

Time waster!

You've not even met him. He could be a catfish or a predator and you're getting invested and wasting precious time on a guy who isn't even dating you. You're free therapy to him. You're on an app to date right? Have you been on a date with him? No, so just stop talking to him.

HaggisBurger · 19/02/2022 11:58

Jeez. I really don’t understand why men and women OLD would allow 3 weeks to go by and have long conversations, messaging etc without meeting? I would never be at the stage of knowing about someone’s parents, kids etc without having met them! It’s a total waste of time. All this energy expended on someone you might not by attracted to at all!

I’d really revisit how you date. My rule was a couple of days back and forth of messages. Maybe a phone conversation to see how that flowed. And then a casual coffee within a week. Anyone who can’t arrange that due to “busyness” is not available for OLD imho.

So no - he’s a time waster OP. You are being FAR from picky. Genuinely - look at how you date. The endless stories of people on here getting all invested and creating false intimacy with men they have not met drives me insane.

Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 11:59

Thank you so much for the confirmation.
I will be ending it today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 12:01

I am trying not to lose hope. It is tiring putting one's self out there but not meeting anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 12:03

I had to laugh at creating 'false intimacy' but you are right.

OP posts:
TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 12:04

Don't even end it. Just don't msg him again and if he msgs you don't reply. If you text him saying that you don't want to talk to him anymore he'll probably put in a bit more effort but that will slide but by then you would have invested even more time and energy.

phizog · 19/02/2022 12:04

@Itsbeenalongwhile

I am trying not to lose hope. It is tiring putting one's self out there but not meeting anyone.
The more energy you waste on no hopers like this guy, the less time and energy you have to invest in meeting someone decent or even in keeping yourself happy.

The trick with OLD is to filter out time wasters quickly so it never gets to this point you are upset and fed up. Because now you feel negative and defeated, and that will affect how you come across to others. Minimise your time with people who make you feel anxious and you'll be in a better headspace to recognise a decent one.

phizog · 19/02/2022 12:05

@TuscanApothecary

Don't even end it. Just don't msg him again and if he msgs you don't reply. If you text him saying that you don't want to talk to him anymore he'll probably put in a bit more effort but that will slide but by then you would have invested even more time and energy.
This! Just ignore him and block him. Otherwise he'll suck you in again with false promises. He won't suddenly become into you but he will mess you around if you leave a door to communication open.
Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 12:09

Thanks everyone for great advice as always.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 19/02/2022 12:09

@Itsbeenalongwhile

I am trying not to lose hope. It is tiring putting one's self out there but not meeting anyone.
It is and you have my sympathy. It can be exhausting and demoralising too. Try not to let it get you down too much and move on when you are ready.

Try not to invest too much energy into them before you have met. Knowing about his family, friends, hobbies, anticipatng his feelings (before work things or competitions for example) all take energy and you will find it less draining if you stop doing these things for men you haven't met. Men in general don't do these things for women, even ones they are keen on, unless they are exclusive so try to be less involved and you'll have more energy to keep looking for the right one x

TheHoleNineYards · 19/02/2022 12:09

Urgh. All that stringing along would drive me mad. Next time you’re chatting to someone you like, just ask “do you fancy meeting for coffee tomorrow?” Don’t waste time chatting to someone without having a clear plan to meet them.

Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 12:10

Thanks @Natty13.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 19/02/2022 12:11

Agree with what others have said.
2 days most to arrange a face to face meeting.
I would even start with a pre screen of facetime with them before meeting them.
It'd go like:
dating site chat
Phone chat
facetime chat
face to face meeting

No all day chatting either.

They can't do that. Delete and block.

Ask yourself why you spent 3 weeks chatting with someone whose favourite topic was himself.

Original poster
Itsbeenalongwhile · 19/02/2022 12:12

@TheHoleNineYards, I am starting to get a bit angry at being strung along. And there i was wondering if i was being too picky?!!

OP posts: