Is he NTITM or am I being picky?

[Itsbeenalongwhile]

I met this guy on an online dating site 3 weeks ago. He has been divorced for 18 months. We mutually liked each other and got on really well chatting on the site. 5 days later, it was going really well, he asked we moved to whatsapp and i agreed. We had a lot of laughter, good banter. A couple of days after moving to whatsapp, i sent a video clip of myself wishing him well in a competition he had that day. He is very very into this hobby. I told him the clip was to wish him well but also so he could see me in real time and hear my voice. And know if he were still interested. He really appreciated the clip. I thought that would prompt him to either say 'hey, you haven't heard my voice, let's call' or maybe he will send me a voice note. That didn't happen but i thought there is no rush.

About day 8, while chatting at work a close work colleague mentioned that she usually doesn't go beyond day 2 without speaking with the person, that she would have spoken with them at this point. So i asked him if we could call, he agreed. We eventually spoke and it went really well. I mentioned to him that as i had asked for us to speak, he would be the one to ask for us to meet. He agreed.

We continued to get on really well. He messaged every morning sometimes i did and he would reply immediately. He sent me a couple of voice notes. Chatted to me a lot about his hobby and his plans for it but insisted it was something he could always stop and had taken the place of having a relationship because he had none.. He planned to cut down once he was in a relationship.

Just over a week ago, he asked me to keep this weekend free so we could meet up. He asked what i wanted to do etc. I said i couldn't meet on the sunday and he said Saturday was perfect. He never mentioned our meeting up again. He also had on a couple of occasions said, 'when can i call you today, it would be nice to hear your voice?' We would agree a time but he wouldn't call. And he didn't say anything about it.
His messages continued to be fun and talking about his day & life..or any topic as usual. Occasionally, a bit flirty. Nothing ever crude, rude or inappropriate.

A few days ago, he mentioned to me he has a competition today (saturday - the day he asked me to keep free). He didn't mention anything about our meeting up. I should have said something but i didn't because at that moment, it flagged up some concerns i had started having that he was not actually interested in me.

I knew about his ex, his kids, their birthdays, his parents and siblings, his hobby, his work, his dreams but he doesn't know how many kids I have, their ages, he only found out what my job is 4 days ago), he doesn't know if I have siblings or not, knows nothing about my parents, if i have any hobbies..I had started noticing he doesn't really ask me questions about myself. It wasn't a problem earlier on..I thought he didn't want to get too personal until he knew me a bit better. But as time went on, he still hasn't asked.

The last couple of days he hasn't messaged in the morning as usual. But has responded immediately i messaged him. Yesterday, i didn't message him. I was quite poorly. He didn't message me either throughout the day.

This morning, I messaged wishing good luck in his competition and hoping he is well. He responded immediately. He talked of being worried about the competition and hoped i was well. I told him yesterday had been rough but i was feeling better. He said sorry, make sure you rest, have some vitamins etc. Then went on to say, he has just realised that he is free this weekend and he is sorry he hadn't made arrangements for us to meet up this weekend. That he has got a major work thing coming up and he has been focused on that.

I told him that actually he had asked for me to keep today free but that's okay, he should get the work thing sorted.
He said, 'thanks for being understanding. I would like to grab you for a coffee, hopefully soon'.

No apologies.. No 'oh sorry i forgot' ..nothing. And what does 'hopefully soon' mean?
He has since continued to message as he normally would if he sees something interesting.

Thank you if you have gotten this far. I apologise for the long post plus the many boring details.

I am interested in him but I am starting to think i am wasting my time.

As you are distanced from it and are usually right about these things, I would appreciate your thoughts/advice/collective wisdom.

@Itsbeenalongwhile

I had to laugh at creating 'false intimacy' but you are right.

Not trying to be harsh with the false intimacy thing. I don’t doubt you are genuine and ARE connecting with these men. But it is false. You don’t know each other. You be not met each other. And my bet is that ones “revealing” lots about themselves do so as a way, consciously or unconsciously of creating a feeling of intimacy with women they aren’t really that into but fancy reeling in. It’s so important to have strong boundaries when OLD and remember (as corny as it sounds) you are the prize.

Just stop messaging him and stop responding to his.. his true colours will surface... he'll either be all offended or just fruit off to his 'hobby' either way.. you are in control.

@Itsbeenalongwhile he's either playing the field and keeping you as an option or he's not actually divorced.
I met sooo many men like this OLD & they inevitably turned out to have a wife/gf or a few other women on the go. It's a game to them.
My exdp phoned me the day after we started chatting and made a concrete arrangement to meet on our first joint free Saturday.
Honestly that's how you know if they're interested. All else is just a distraction from daily life (for them).

I appreciate all the pointers for knowing if they are genuinely interested.
I really need to reassess how I OLD.
Hopefully, I would be back on here one day with my success story.

Best wishes OP.
Dating has changed so much this past decade or so.

I reckon there are some decent up to date dating advice books out there. I saw, The Rules for Online Dating on Amazon.

It wouldn't hurt to skim through a few of those and a few of the men dating books to see the tricks men get up to.

There are some gems out there @Itsbeenalongwhile - it's just hard to see them amongst all the messer!

What is NTITM

@WeeWeeMe

What is NTITM

Not that into me

@Itsbeenalongwhile my friend always said it’s a numbers game and my luck started to change once I listened. You need to talk to as many men as possible. That way when a time waster pops up you won’t be bothered by it because you have options. My friends and I treated OLD like a second job. I had at least three dates a week. I once had two in one day! Chat on the app for a day or two then move to WhatsApp. Send a voice note every now and then to break up the texting and so they can hear your voice. That encourages them to send a voice note back. All the guys I spoke to were pleasantly surprised when I sent voice notes as it was rare to receive one and I found that progressed the conversation. If plans to meet aren’t made within a few days to a week max then onto the next. This is what I did and I’ve been with my DP for almost 2 years now. OLD is tough but there are things you can do to make it easier

He’s a time waster. Dump

However your colleague is right, don’t faff about like this. Move to a phone call in a couple of days and a RL date within a week. Just organise it, don’t wait to be asked, it’s your own time you’re wasting.

Yep, get rid. He's just stringing you along and probably meeting someone else that he prefers to you. Don't be surprised if he calls you some choice names when you 'ditch' him (if you don't block him).

It’s been 3 weeks.
I think you need to calm down a bit as you’re coming across as quite intense and it’s maybe why he’s backing off a bit.

I personally like to chat to someone for a few days before I arrange to meet with them to see if you get on.

9/10 you won’t connect with the person you’ve matched with so I’d rather spend time speaking to them which doesn’t impact my day rather than meeting everyone I’ve matched with and wasting my time.

If you live close by why not text him and ask him if wants to meet up tomorrow? If he says no arrange something for within the next week.
If it doesn’t happen then he’s a catfish/ married/ not interested so stop the contact.

Sounds like a waste of time. He's keeping his options open and the feeling I got, after letting you down about meeting up and having the competition, then not having it, is that he had a date lined up with someone else, who let him down, so he backtracked and told you a different story. I wouldn't want that game played with me. I'd want transparency and someone to be honest about seeing other people initially. Up to you what you do of course, but game playing or lying early on are a huge turn off. As well as being red flags.

PS No, you are not being picky, you can raise the bar even higher in my opinion and get your dealbreakers in place. What do you refuse to stand for? And if someone strings you along, that should be one of them...

FFS he is using you for an ego boost & has no intention of meeting.
And it's all a one-way street with him - you're not missing out, he'll be "all about me" in person as much as he is virtually.