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Relationships

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Original poster

Financial irresponsibility

60 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 19/02/2022 07:53

Not living together.. Dating 5/6mths. Never has money, never, despite working full time and end of month he is so short has to borrow for the electric. I worked out his outgoings and he has around 700 left after all bill bar food... He implies he spends the 700 on food but he dosnt eat expensivly.
We cook dinner at each others houses and ocassionaly like 1 or 2 times a month go for a drink, as he can't afford more. We have been out for dinner once.
Dosnt run a car and living costs are cheap.
It's a concern for me not because I think I have any rights to know but because it impacts on what we can do, if anything, together. Is this normal? I know cost of living is high and I'm reasonably comfortable compared to a lot of ppl

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 19/02/2022 09:28

Is he being completely straight with you re how much he actually earns?

lady725516 · 19/02/2022 09:28

That's quite a lot of disposable income after bills something isn't adding up, he most likely knows where all his money is going just isn't sharing it with you.

If it was me I would be ending the relationship. Need to be on the same page regarding finances as his money has an effect on you like not going out as much as you would want to.

Also for the future does he have any savings/ plans to save?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 19/02/2022 09:30

I absolutely know how much he earns. I know where he works and they are recruiting, the salery is what he says it is and he had a payslip query a few months ago so showed it to me.
It is the lack of understanding of where it goes or transparency.
I get not having money, I really do as I was tight post divorce but it takes work to fix

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/02/2022 10:03

Have you posted about him before? Your attitudes towards finances are not compatible. Do you really want to be subbing a partner indefinitely and not know why?

LIZS · 19/02/2022 10:04

And it is easy to be "fun" at someone else's expense

TabithaTittlemouse · 19/02/2022 10:07

A new relationship shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t know this much about his finances.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/02/2022 10:12

Dump him. Managing your money is a basic adult function. He can’t do that. He’s got you doing wife work for him already.
There is no long term happiness with someone like this

Monr0e · 19/02/2022 10:14

You don't need to manage your expectations, you need to raise them. You should be going out on dates at 5 months in not staying in every night.

That amount of disposable money disappearing every month suggests gambling, drugs or debt to me. And if he's having to borrow from friends all time now it's only a matter of time before he starts asking you.

Porfre · 19/02/2022 10:15

I hope you havent paid any of his bills so far

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 10:15

Never has money, never, despite working full time and end of month he is so short has to borrow for the electric

Borrow from who? You?

Itwasntmeright · 19/02/2022 10:20

He’s a grown adult who isn’t responsible enough to pay his bills, despite earning more than enough to do so. He isn’t partner material OP, you’re wasting your time with this one. He may well be lovely, but this is a proper grown-up dealbreaker.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 10:21

@Pleaseaddcaffine

He said no as I asked. By out I mean a few drinks not out for dinner or cinema or anything. I guess I need to manage expectations around dating as I'm new to it

No you don’t need to manage your expectations. You need to dump this one. Who cares why he doesn’t manage his money The point is you don’t want to end up with someone like this - because as a life partner it will be misery RUN

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 10:25

Ooops seen your update now & that you don't lend him money.

However ... WHY, in the name of all that's holy, are you micromanaging the payslips & bills of a guy you have been dating for a few weeks?

This is not going to improve & he is not being truthful with you.
Whatever it is he's throwing his money at, he's either deliberately not telling you, or he is so financially illiterate that he's frittering it away randomly without understanding where it goes.

You job is not to fix him.
Your job is to walk away, & be open to a man who does not need fixing.
It is utterly miserable being hitched to a guy who refuses to adult about money. It's already impacting you - you stay in instead of enjoying the quite normal & reasonable life experiences you would prefer. Long term, he would constantly let you down & drag your finances down with his.

Stop babying him.
In fact - just stop going out with him.
He's not a grown up.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/02/2022 10:26

Credit card debt repayments?

Online gambling?

An Only Fans habit?

However, just daily living beyond one's means can rack up over a month: Waitrose not Aldi, taxis instead of public transport, designer clothes not M&S. Even a takeaway coffee and cake, let's say £8. Bought every working day is over £160.

Some people have no idea how to be frugal or economise.

ScribblingPixie · 19/02/2022 10:37

Recreational drugs? There's something he's spending on and prioritising. He's not prioritising you that's for sure, OP.

FinallyHere · 19/02/2022 10:46

He is an open and genuine really nice/kind man

That's how he is when you are asking so little of him. It doesn't sound like much of a life, a few months in and you are trying to help him understand where all his money goes. He knows, at least at a high level and is playing possum with you, pretending to not understand.

A relationship should enhance your life.

I'm not saying that it's always wrong to subsidise a partner, if they are contributing in other ways with DC, or studying for an ultimately better job.

This isn't anything like that. This is just someone dragging you down.

Build up your own social life so when he says he can't afford to go out you can say, oh, that's a pity and go anyway.

Your life will be loads better without him.

Walkingalot · 19/02/2022 12:10

I'd say you are financially incompatible. Even if you have no intention of ever living together then you are going to be sorely disappointed that you can't do the things you want in the long run. Whether he's vague through ignorance/carelessness or deliberately hiding something is irrelevant - it's not good. Don't waste another 6mths trying to work him out/being patient/being disappointed.

Casper001 · 19/02/2022 13:52

You seem too financially entwined for the length of time. Honestly first 12 months of dating you should be pretty much separate financially and the time used to get to know each other etc. Obviously you may offer to pay for things and he may but generally you'd expect to be independent financially

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 19/02/2022 14:48

I don't relaly understand. We are entirely and completly seperate financially. He had a query and showed me a payslip, which I answered due to my job.
That's it.
My concern is his inability to do normal couple things due to financial constraints and how normal that is this early in a relationship.

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/02/2022 14:50

It is not normal, Either he is useless with money, has a "habit" or makes excuses to be tight so you/others sub him. Not very attractive in any case.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/02/2022 15:05

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I don't relaly understand. We are entirely and completly seperate financially. He had a query and showed me a payslip, which I answered due to my job. That's it. My concern is his inability to do normal couple things due to financial constraints and how normal that is this early in a relationship.

Jesus... Read the responses.

No one not one poster has posted saying "you are ever reacting. All sounds normal. Crack on ALL SOUNDS GOOD 👌"

He can't manage his money. Doesn't matter if you are financially linked or not.

Is his inability to normal couple things due to financial constraints normal (when he has 700 pm disposable income available)?
HELL NO

Hth.

IrishKatie1971 · 19/02/2022 15:07

Sounds like drugs or a gambling problem. Ex had both, a coke and heavy weed user and burned through money as if it was free firewood. I knew he had debt but he said it was all paid off. He had a good job at one point paying almost 30k, but nothing to show for it despite super low outgoings. Despite that he still asked me for money if he was too lazy to walk the half a mile to the cashpoint. Be very, very cautious is all I can say.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 19/02/2022 15:08

Yes agree. It's not normal.
Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2022 15:16

I understand it’s not something you want to hear but your financial inequality is an issue. He’s either lying about not knowing where his money goes or he’s feckless with money.

The longer you’re with him the greater the problem this will be for you. You’ve been warned.

traintraveller · 19/02/2022 15:18

If he doesn't have enough money for the relationship you are looking for then end it. You seem to know an awful lot about his finances, I'm not sure why you're so involved because after 5 months it's none of your business.

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