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Original poster

Friends wants another baby. Was I wrong to say this?

28 replies

Frankola · 18/02/2022 19:53

Last week my Dear Friend of 20 years asked me a question and I'm not sure she liked my answer.

DF has been desperate for a 2nd child for at least a year. She has discussed this with her DP and at the moment it would seem he is not keen.

For context. Her DP has 2 children from a first marriage and 1 child with my DF. My DF has explained to him that while she loves her SCs she doesn't feel the same as if they were her own and really wants another.

DF told me she now feels at an impass because if her DP won't have another baby with her, she feels she may as well leave him because resentment will grow at the idea he is preventing her from having another mother-child relationship. She believes she might be better off meeting someone else and having a baby with them.

My opinion on this was (and this is the bit I dont think she liked) that she has to consider if it's worth splitting up her family and affecting her first child to MAYBE end up having a baby with someone else in future.

I also said she might not actually resent her DP for not agreeing to a baby but she's adamant she will.

She is 38 so she would have to meet someone new quickly?! I didn't say that to her face! Grin

Was I wrong to have pointed these things out? Should I have just nodded along and supported her ideas?

I dont want to be a bad friend...

OP posts:
Pyri · 18/02/2022 19:56

You haven’t said what the question was that she asked you so it’s difficult to say if your answer was reasonable or if it sounds like she was just venting

I agree with you btw, tearing apart a family for a possibility of a new baby esp in your late 30s wouldn’t be the one for me

ThePlantsitter · 18/02/2022 20:00

I think you were right about what she has to consider. That is what she has to consider - and only she can decide how the strength of her feeling balances with splitting up her family.

I'm not sure I would've told her she might not feel a way she had told me she feels/ would feel...

However if a friend of 20 years can't be honest with you who can?

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 20:02

I was thinking yabu and she should move, until I read her age. Does she have the funds for IVF?

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 20:03

*she should move on

BendingSpoons · 18/02/2022 20:03

I think you were giving helpful advice. She is caught up in it and it wouldn't be particularly helpful to encourage her that it will be easy to quickly find someone else to have a baby with.

GroggyLegs · 18/02/2022 20:05

No, a good friend asks awkward questions to help a mate make an informed decision.

IMO she'd be nuts to leave (assuming she's otherwise happy) on a wish & hope of a second child, but I completely get it must be incredibly painful for her.

JustWonderingIfYou · 18/02/2022 20:12

No point in having friends who can't be truthful with you. I want opinions from friends not nodding heads.

You did nothing wrong.

KylieKoKo · 18/02/2022 20:19

I don't think it's just about her having a baby with someone else though. I think it's also about not wanting to spend her life with someone she resents for stopping her having a baby.

Eslteacher06 · 18/02/2022 20:19

I did this with a friend because the question she asked was so specific, I couldn't lie. She was shocked and backed off from me for a bit, but it ended up making her realise what she really needed to do.

So if she's a good friend, she may feel hurt now but will not blame you for being honest.

If she does, then she's not the good friend you thought she was

Violetmo0n · 18/02/2022 20:20

People don't like the truth sometimes.
No point in being best friends if you can't be truthful.

You done nothing wrong, I would appreciate the honesty and it would make me realise I think.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2022 20:20

My friends mostly appreciate I don't lie to them. Give her time.

Ra12345 · 18/02/2022 20:23

You said and did the right thing

WonderfulYou · 18/02/2022 20:36

I agree with you and I think it’s good you told her the truth instead of just agreeing with her so she can make an informed decision.

Original poster
Frankola · 18/02/2022 20:43

Thank god I don't seem to have royally messed up! She's been acting normally with me but I've been worried she's secretly annoyed with me.

She did say that I had given her food for thought. I don't think she had thought about the impact on her first child tbh.

@soitwas I didn't mention her age so we didn't even touch on IVF.

Reading between the lines of what she was saying she seemed to be concerned about the resentment she is feeling towards her DP. She said if he didn't give her a baby she couldn't see her relationship lasting due to this.

@Pyri her question was basically "what would you do?"

OP posts:
Towel6767 · 18/02/2022 20:50

Your poor friend. But you made a good point.

I don’t know what I would do if I were her and knew my resentment would grow. Counselling?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 20:55

She is 38 so she would have to meet someone new quickly?! I didn't say that to her face!

I would have. She asked for your opinion, it's not your fault if she didn't like it. If she's in a happy relationship yet wants to break up her family in order to try to have another baby at her age, that's her business. You did nothing wrong.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/02/2022 20:57

I wonder if this is a threat that she is thinking of using to her DP to try and get him to change his mind rather than something she is actually planning.

tkwal · 18/02/2022 21:00

There's no guarantee she would conceive easily with her current, or a new partner. I think you are a great friend to her

TravellingFrom · 18/02/2022 21:02

Tbh I think her concern about the building resentment is fair enough. If she is really that desperate for a second child, it would be a heartbreaking situation for her.

And yes what you said is true too.

There’s basically no easy answer to that question….

TravellingFrom · 18/02/2022 21:02

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your answer though!

Opentooffers · 18/02/2022 21:05

She could twist the resentment the other way around by accidentally getting pregnant - not advisable either. Depends if they can afford it as a family bearing in mind her DH has to help support 3 at the moment. If it's affordable, her wishes are not unreasonable, if financial hardship would result, she should suck it up.

ZippyZap · 18/02/2022 21:06

Well I'd put my foot in it more and suggest that although I understand her resentment... How does she think her child would feel with another step sibling.... How would the child feel with a step dad.... Would the step dad not feel the same about her first child, like she doesn't about her step children...
I think I'd suggest relationship counselling for the couple to see if they can work through this first and for her husband to see how important it is for her to have another child and if it's something he has properly thought about

1forAll74 · 18/02/2022 21:07

I would keep out of any dialogue with her, she is old enough to know her own thoughts about this issue.. but would silently question her sad reasons, for splitting up with her partner just becasue he doesn't share her views about having another baby, She cannot have such a good relationship with him, if she is prepared to leave him because of this. .so very shallow behaviour.

Ohyesiam · 18/02/2022 21:10

A bad friend is one who nods while privately thinking that your be crazy to go ahead.
A good friend will hold up a mirror and do a reality check because they have the friend’s best interests at heart.
It’s not always easy to hear, but it doesn’t make it wrong.

JudyGemstone · 18/02/2022 21:17

Assuming the relationship is good, I don’t know if it’s fair to break up her existing child’s family just for the possibility of having another which may or may not even happen.

I think she’s thinking with her ovaries and not with her brain, and that these strong broody feelings will probably pass.

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