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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He punched holes in the wall

39 replies

KevinTheKoala · 18/02/2022 18:39

I wound him up because I can't help but retaliate and today I said too much. I have no car seats, there are no transport links, I don't know what to do and he's already messaging me and it's confusing me. I know in my head I would tell anyone in this situation to leave so why can't I? I have nowhere to go but even so I feel frozen and I don't even know where to start. He's right I am irrational and my 6 year old is saying she wants us all to stay together and it's not even healthy for her to have seen any of that but i will be the one tearing us apart if I go and it will be all my fault.

I'm looking around and there's so much stuff to take and I have nowhere to go, no way of getting anywhere, it's half 6 at night and I have two young children and no money. I don't know how I'd get to work on Sunday... Or my DD to school next week.

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 18/02/2022 18:42

Phone Woman’s Aid.

Theunamedcat · 18/02/2022 18:43

And the police

Desmondo2021 · 18/02/2022 18:44

Is he home at the moment?

What's the housing situation.

How old is the other child?

Do you have a car?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 18:47

6 year old's don't get to decide.

You need to ring the police now. Have him removed.

tobedtoMN · 18/02/2022 18:47

Start by stop blaming yourself. HE is responsible for his behaviour.

Then focus on getting your children to a place of safety. Ask for help.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 18/02/2022 18:48

The other child is 2, I don't drive and he's gone to work.

OP posts:

Prisonbreak · 18/02/2022 18:50

Just grab the essentials and walk out the door. I promise that’s the biggest step towards your happiness. Sort the rest later. Go to a friend or family. Or a cheap hotel just go

booplefloof · 18/02/2022 18:53

@Prisonbreak

Just grab the essentials and walk out the door. I promise that’s the biggest step towards your happiness. Sort the rest later. Go to a friend or family. Or a cheap hotel just go

This

Cyberworrier · 18/02/2022 18:54

I'm so sorry. You know you need to get out. I have read that violence around you (punching walls) often escalated to violence directly against you. And punching walls is domestic violence and abuse.
There is nothing you have done that justifies that behaviour and your child is scared and only very small- do not stay with this man because in her fear she has told you to. It will affect her.
Can you call a friend or relative to collect you? Don't worry about school or work for now, you need to get somewhere safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2022 18:54

What prison break wrote.

Cyberworrier · 18/02/2022 18:59

Ps my ex punched walls- I found it terrifying. I can't imagine how much more frightening it must be when you have children- and I can understand how much more difficult it must be to leave (I found it so hard even though I knew it was dangerous to stay). But it is not ok for you to live like that or for your children to be in that situation either- growing up around domestic violence can have a terrible effect on a person as they grow up.

I really hope you are reaching out to womens aid / the police or to family and friends and getting somewhere safe.

Cakequeen1988 · 18/02/2022 19:03

My ex punched walls, then he attacked and choked me.

Pack a bag with essentials like birth certificates, passports bank cards/details and walk out the door with the children and present at a police station. Tell them everything.

It will be hard but it isn’t your fault, it is absolutely and very much his

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 19:14

So sorry to hear you are in this situation but great advise and support on here. I was in that situation and planning my leaving. I left when son was only few weeks old as was not putting my baby though that life and rang women's aid, got help and left. I was happier and could concentrate on been a good mum and felt such relief. My son an adult now and has been ups and downs but we have such a strong bond. Am a young 50 but wish I had realized how happy I am been single and had left when had red flags. There were many and he had been abusive to me but felt it was my fault. Older and wiser now and would not stay a second with any person who is abusive emotionally or physically as the children have to be your priority, yes take priority over you as they will be deeply affected when they are older if witnessing this kind of behaviour. Pack all your essentials, paperwork, birthcerts, passports, ring Women's Aid, talk to your work and see if you can get few days off. They will help you. So many women leave and then return to the abuser if things get tough but you have to stick it out and you will find your inner strength. It will only get worse and he will be punching you and the children. Once I made my mind up and went though such a lot and hid it from everyone I left and never went back even though he wanted me back and told everyone we were still together. Best of luck.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 19:23

Please also contact friends and family and open up them as most of us keep it to ourselves and are very isolated. Please just ring women's aid and at least start secretly planning your escape. Talking to a professional will help you realize that it is not normal and it is not safe and they offer a confidential service and support women and that is the first step and where there is a will there is a way. Can you not get him to leave and get a court order or something.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2022 19:24

Its not your fault, he is a bully, a violent bully who is a danger to you and your children.

Do you know what would really be a catastrophe: if you stayed with this psycho and raised your kid to think that this is what they should tolerate in a partner. Or even worse, If one day he kills you and your child had to grow up with both parents.

He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive. It's is a deliberate tactic to scare, intimidate and control you. He chooses to get angry in order to scare you into submission. It's not a case of you doing something wrong.

If he is punching holes in the wall then you can call the police and tell them you are scared he is about to hurt you and your child. Because it is threatening behaviour.

Don't raise your children in a hoise where their mother lives In fear. Because that's abuse. They don't deserve it. And don't lie to yourself that staying with an abusive man benefits them. Because it most certainly doesn't.

Call the police now and report. Or speak to womens aid and make plans to get free.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2022 19:26

*has to grow up without both parents

WonderfulYou · 18/02/2022 19:29

What time does he come back?
Does he have anywhere else he can go?

Your child is saying she wants you all to stay together because she is scared of his reaction and she’s learnt from you that it’s better to accept it then be away from him.

I’m sorry to be blunt but he is not a good dad if he acts like this in front of his children and you are not a good mum if you choose to keep them in this environment.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2022 19:36

And your 6 year old might want you to stay now but when she is 16, she'll ask you why you didn't leave. Why you made her stay and witness this abuse. Why she had to be a victim too. And what will you say to her? 'I stayed for you' ? How crushing thay would be, to put such a disturbing responsibility onto a child.

She is a child and you are an adult and it's your job to protect her. That means making whatever tough decisions you need to to be a healthy role model.

She has learned to do what daddy wants or suffer thr concequencs. And that love and abuse go hand in hand. You need to teach her that this is not the case. That people who love us do not hurt us. Or one day, she'll be the one coming to you, telling you she is being abused but she can't leave because she feels that that is all she is worth.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 20:16

My ds is nearly 30. Still has therapy for anger issues seeing his df smash up our home. We left when ds was 6..

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 18/02/2022 20:23

He finishes at around 9 I think, women's aid doesn't open till 10am tomorrow he should he at work tomorrow morning so hopefully I can call then. I have birth certificates, I'm not sure what other paperwork I need. Believe me when I say I know how much this will affect my children - I saw it myself and I have issues myself I don't want to repeat the cycle. I never thought this would happen, I don't suppose anyone ever does I just don't know where to start.

OP posts:

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 18/02/2022 20:24

I feel like I'm not even here.

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/02/2022 20:32

Is this something posted about before? The OP starts off as if it is a new instalment of an ongoing saga. Is there some context to this?

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 20:51

Op this behaviour will escalate. My ex didn't punch walls, but he put his foot through a TV's, elbow through a window etc. He also ended pushing me, then choking me. He once kicked me in the face (he was a few steps above me).

If he kicks off, phone the police ASAP.

Can you ring social services, explain that his behaviour has escalated, you're terrified, and need help?

You're worth more than this. You don't deserve any of it, and the only cause, is your ex's own issues. It's not his job, to "put you in your place".

"I know in my head I would tell anyone in this situation to leave so why can't I?"

Because leaving is easier said, than done.

Leaving is the most dangerous time, so please be careful. Sometimes it's safer to wait and get your ducks in a row, (have alternate accommodation sorted, a place in a shelter or friends house etc), before you tell him it's over. Do you have anyone that could be present for that conversation? Or could you have it in a public place with lots of people about?

Or, you could always do a moonlit flit, let him come home to an empty house one day.

Belle96 · 18/02/2022 20:57

Get your documents and just walk. I know it seems hard once you take that first step it all becomes OK. The money worries where we will live worries just any worries....the support is there for you. Pack your essentials and get the hell out

RoyKentsChestHair · 18/02/2022 21:27

My ex punched walls, then he attacked and choked me.

Same.

It very rarely stops there. But even if it did - your DD shouldn’t have to live with an angry and aggressive man destroying her home and nor should you. It’s intimidating and scary when a man throws his weight around.

I have recently had to leave my DP of 9 years after he kicked things in an argument. He later said sorry for breaking the fan but not sorry for breaking my trust and my heart, which are irreplaceable. Damage to furniture can be fixed but the damage it does to your heart and your self esteem cannot be undone. And the damage to your daughter’s sense of security and happiness is the most important thing here.

You can do the right thing. It will be painful and upsetting in the short term. But long term you won’t have to worry about her mentioning at school that he dad has kicked off again and then waiting for childrens services to knock on your door. You need to protect her. And know that this is a safeguarding situation and professionals would be looking to you to see how you protect her.

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