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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He punched holes in the wall

39 replies

KevinTheKoala · 18/02/2022 18:39

I wound him up because I can't help but retaliate and today I said too much. I have no car seats, there are no transport links, I don't know what to do and he's already messaging me and it's confusing me. I know in my head I would tell anyone in this situation to leave so why can't I? I have nowhere to go but even so I feel frozen and I don't even know where to start. He's right I am irrational and my 6 year old is saying she wants us all to stay together and it's not even healthy for her to have seen any of that but i will be the one tearing us apart if I go and it will be all my fault.

I'm looking around and there's so much stuff to take and I have nowhere to go, no way of getting anywhere, it's half 6 at night and I have two young children and no money. I don't know how I'd get to work on Sunday... Or my DD to school next week.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 18/02/2022 21:35

Can you stay in a hotel or with a friend tonight?

phoneybaloney · 18/02/2022 22:07

This man is controlling.

He IS physically abusive by smashing things and physically intimidating you with his anger and his violence.

He is financially abusing you, making it difficult for you to work and earn, wanting you to quit work.

He is emotionally abusing you. Putting you down. Manipulating you.

He is abusing your children. He is violent in front of them. They will be scared of him even if they can't verbalise it.

He is sexually abusive and coercive towards you.

Read all that again. One more time.
You are in an abusive relationship.

It's shit. I know it's shit.
It doesn't have to be though.

Call women's aid next time he's at work.

Pop your important documents all together somewhere in a "grab bag" (birth certificates, passports, ID, child benefit letters, that kind of thing). Stash it somewhere he won't find it.

Have you ever been in a refuge? I have. It was not what I was expecting. It was lovely. Not what I had pictured.

You have said before you'd love to start again with your children. YOU CAN! You could ask to be placed somewhere cheaper housing wise. You could retrain, get help with childcare, build a happy safe place for you and your children.

I know it's scary right now but even with him trying to control you, it is still your life and you do get to choose what happens.

Cakequeen1988 · 19/02/2022 08:31

How are you today OP? I’ve been thinking of you.

I hope whilst he is out today you are able to walk out the door forever. Take the children with you with the essentials like bank card withdraw half from the joint account if you have one, passports, child benefit info, birth certificates a few favourite toys and a couple of sets of clothes and pjs etc and get a taxi to the nearest police station.

They will help you. They will contact the council, social services etc for you and at the same time you can speak to women’s aid. Support and help is there and you deserve to be helped and supported.

You will be amazed when you are free of the beauty of waking up in the morning knowing he’s not there and you and your children are safe and you can do whatever you want that day in peace!

Please take action. You can do it and we are all here behind you to support you

QueenCamilla · 19/02/2022 09:48

Going by the threads on here, calling Women's Aid just does not seem the most effective option when trying to get away from an abuser.
You need somewhere to stay running from an abusive situation and with kids. Call the council and present as homeless (as a result of domestic abuse) . I was in a local temporary housing house just four hours later. I could have chosen to be out of the area too.
The council helped to sort out the benefits and eventually finding an alternative accommodation too. I've been "free" since the very day I called them.

TracyMosby · 19/02/2022 09:54

@QueenCamilla

Going by the threads on here, calling Women's Aid just does not seem the most effective option when trying to get away from an abuser. You need somewhere to stay running from an abusive situation and with kids. Call the council and present as homeless (as a result of domestic abuse) . I was in a local temporary housing house just four hours later. I could have chosen to be out of the area too. The council helped to sort out the benefits and eventually finding an alternative accommodation too. I've been "free" since the very day I called them.
This. Has be left for work yet?
KevinTheKoala · 19/02/2022 11:02

I'm trying to borrow a suitcase from someone so i can put things in one place and hide it and then get out.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 19/02/2022 11:26

That sounds like a good plan, Kevin. If you're in or near Milton Keynes, i'll lend you a suitcase and give you a lift to the police station.

Youre doing absolutely the right thing, making a safe life for you and your babies. Noone should be living in fear of violence.

Cakequeen1988 · 19/02/2022 11:29

Same offer here if you are near Leeds

Cakequeen1988 · 19/02/2022 11:30

Be careful if you get the suitcase and don’t go almost immediately, if he finds it he will know what you plan and that’s very dangerous

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 11:33

@Cakequeen1988

Be careful if you get the suitcase and don’t go almost immediately, if he finds it he will know what you plan and that’s very dangerous
Absolutely this.
liveforsummer · 19/02/2022 12:18

Has he gone to work again? Have you sorted somewhere to go?

liveforsummer · 19/02/2022 12:19

Also who's name is the house in. Is it an option for him to leave. Police could help you with that

KevinTheKoala · 19/02/2022 12:35

We privately rent the tenancy is in both of our names but he is the main earner and so the credit checks etc. We're in his name. And I'm not in those areas but thank you so much for the kind offers.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 19/02/2022 20:15

How are you today? Was thinking of you and what you are going through and know it is scary and feel as if you are in a surreal situation and not quite with it and it is so nice that other people have offered to help that is so kind and thoughtful. When I had left and had to go back to get all the rest of my stuff the refuge had told me to ring the police and have them accompany me incase he was there and kicked off. Which I did do so I was safe. It was 21 years ago since I did this but hope is support for you now. Do not let him think you are even thinking about going as that can make him explode with anger and it is all about him losing control. I had to keep ringing the refuge until they had a free room and my room was lovely and was quite happy there for the 6mths stayed. Keep us posted how things are going so we can be here for you xx

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