Parental Alienation

[Melsuleenia]

Please MN, need your help as I'm just at a complete loss.

[TW: Rape & Suicide]

Essentially, I have barely no contact with my children and haven't really done for three years. Relationship with the father ended at my request. There was abuse, serious abuse including rape. My DC do not know this as they are too young. I was also abused as a child (Not sexually though).

The Parental Alienation came absolutely left field. I had a good relationship with both children prior to this. Now, I'm the bad parent and I cannot explain myself to them. In fact, I believe they think I am lying. They now live with him and I only know roughly where they are. I do have email contact but only one will reply and they are not good emails. DD is rightly angry.

My entire life was destroyed. I nearly died twice.

ow that the DC are getting older, the day is coming when they will quite rightly want answers. I just don't know how to answer them and save them from pain either way. i.e. if they believe me then they will understand how much their father betrayed them for his own ends OR they will continue to hold the belief that I am a bad mother and also a liar.

Of course, he is a narc and probably a psychopath to boot.
I was an emotional mess for a couple of years as I battled my way through the family court. I'm better now (spent one year basically not eating) but the days stretch out in front of me and I have no idea what the future will bring. Or to handle the inevitable.

I know my case is an extreme one but does anyone have a pointers/links/advice that could help?

Thank you.

so the courts gave him full residency and gave you zero?

how come they went to live with him after living with you?

I had a complete breakdown in March 2018 when the full enormity of what I had been living with his home. There were other factors too behind my suicide but essentially, despite agreeing to go to mediation he took me to court a month later. I just never really recovered from the suicide and the Court system was unbelievably overwhelming. I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Essentially, he wanted to move house because of a job and I think a good deal of it was that actually. He had attempted something before like that in 2016.

To add though, after fighting for two years I withdrew because of the impact it was having on the children. It never went to a final hearing. Or rather it did and I did not attend because the Court changed the date, bringing it forward but did not tell me.

I got that verdict set aside and battled on but the impact it was having on them was understandably massive. I have lots to say about the Court but really, that's done now.

Some questions - what age are dc, are you in the right frame of mind now to go through the courts again to get access? Parental alienation is classed as emotional abuse towards the children. You need to try and do something about it now as the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to come back from. When you say barely any contact what does that mean? Do you see them in person at all? Do you phone/text/write cards and letters frequently? Have they moved far away from you? I’m sorry about the abuse you’ve suffered.

Thank you Flippanty. DD is nearly 15. DC is 13. I don't have an address, just email contact. I barely get anything back.

Where I was in the country was four hours away. I have now moved and am closer by two hours.

I am certainly in a better frame of mind. I would do Court in a heartbeat but will the kids hate me even more? Will it do more harm than good?

DS not DC. Doh.

Impossible to know what the kids will think long term but I do believe that if there's any chance of being able to rebuild a warm relationship with them, it's better to have tried to get access than not.

I'm only asking this based on the children, have you posted about this before?

Children's ages that should say sorry

Pleasant

Agreed. How would you handle the issue of the DA & V?

Possibly ACNH but if I did that would've been around two years ago.

@Melsuleenia

Pleasant

Agreed. How would you handle the issue of the DA & V?

I think they're very young to be hearing about these adult concerns yet. Possibly explain that many things have happened over the years that you will discuss when they're at an appropriate stage which you hope will help them come to terms with the past few years.

In the meantime, if you can establish a relationship with them, make them feel loved, let them see who you are and hopefully they will draw their own conclusions.

I agree with PleasantBirthday it’s better if DC know you’ve done absolutely everything you can. First thing you should do is get some advice from a solicitor and go forward from there. DC are at an age now where they can refuse contact but you don’t know that will be the case. You might be able to build things up gradually. If you have email contact you can explain to them via email what you’re planning to do and it’s because you love them more than anything and want to be involved in their lives. It’ll look very bad to the court that you don’t even know where your children live or have phone numbers for them. Do you have any contact information for ex? Is there a paper trail of you requesting contact and being denied?

I'm sorry, you're clearly in a lot of pain here.

it sounds like there is a lot that is going on here, I don't think framing this through parental alienation and your former relationship is helpful. I believe you when you talk about the abuse you suffer, I'm so sorry you went through that. However that is not something that the children need to be involved in, or should be. Normally when couples split up the children see both side, it is not necessary for them to hate him to love you. You do seem to get this but also say bout them thinking you are the bad parent--what specifically is there issue with you?

From seeing lots of posts like this, it is clear that the woman has been deeply wronged by the man--but this is not something that the children should now. Rightly they are only able to judge you based on your treatment of them. It sounds like you had a lot of struggles and difficulties, mental health issues etc going on. This isn't your fault but you should listen to them when they say there are issues with you. They are able to form their own views, they are able to have their own reactions, if you respond to their issues by telling them it's parental alienation this is not going to help.

From their perspective, they no longer see you, you didn't fight for them in court, your mental health issues meant you were not a stable and reliable presence. I'm not saying it's fair but I am saying it's understandable for them to be cautious about a relationship. I think being super honest with yourself about that and showing them that you get it is a crucial first step

(apologies for the numerous typing errors, their not there, know not now, etc)

Yes, solicitors. It would certainly be worth me going back down that route but actually, if they wanted to see me then they would respond to emails.

I cannot even begin to describe what the Court is like. There is another thread active in AIBU I think about the Court. One poster stopped working for them when she saw how women were being treated.

at that age they will be deemed as Gillick competent so will get to say if they want contact or not. So it can't be forced, just offered

can you work more on the email contact?

with what you said...abuse,rape,serious abuse,psychopath,narc....I'm wondering how cafcass and courts deemed him fit? and if he's like that still, then the dc will likely know what he's like. That style of character can't be hidden from kids in my experience

could you maybe work to obtain letterbox contact as a starting point?

also, you still have parental responsibility so can find out how they are doing in school (i think)

Im wondering how cafcass and courts deemed him fit?

Good question. CAFCASS were aware of my allegations. They omitted the most serious one's from the S7.

The S7 was only released a week before an interim session. This gave me no time to correct the inaccuracies. I attempted to get the hearing adjourned, was ignored and the next date after that was 5 months away.

DS sees it with him to an extent I think. Not sure on DD. He is very clever and detached emotionally. Cold. Interestingly, his mum did the same to his dad that he has done to me. It was that which possibly triggered the psychopathy which means that he doesn't 'get' how that affects children if that makes sense. I'm terrified about how this affects them.

Sorry that is the ex who is detached, not DS.

I'd love letterbox @GirlInACountrySong

As to the other points regrading how the children perceive the situation, well...I just don't know. It would have been a horrific situation to be placed in especially as the ex was telling them if they saw me then they might be put into care. Clearly, this terrified them as he came up with this absurd story that someone might beat me up in the street in front of them.

Completely groundless of course but the damage was done.

I certainly made mistakes, no question. I wasn't really in my right mind looking back on the whole situation.

I think you need to do everything you can. When they’re older and see their father for what he is they’ll want to know why you didn’t protect them from this man. It doesn’t necessarily have to go to court if things can be sorted out through mediation but definitely speak to a solicitor to see what your options are.

Obviously no one can force teenagers to have contact if they don’t want it but it might help them to know you are trying.

When they’re older and see their father for what he is they’ll want to know why you didn’t protect them from this man

Very good point.

The reality here OP is that the children are old enough to have their own thoughts and feelings on what happened.

As far as they’re aware, you left them, essentially only sent them an email every now and then and don’t even know where they live. Irrespective of what your ex might have told them, that is a pretty good reason for children not to want contact with a parent, plenty of children go NC with absent fathers for the same reason.

So if you want to change that then it is you who needs to make the effort, because when they realise that you essentially gave up on them that is just going to confirm what they already thought.

The only way is for you to seek some mediation which might hopefully build into contact, but unfortunately you’re the one in the weaker position here because they hold all the cards.

It’s going to take time and effort, and money and there are no guarantees, the hurt they’ve experienced might well be too much. But if you do nothing then you are guaranteed not to see them again, whereas if you try then there is always a chance, if not now then further down the line.