Parental Alienation

[Melsuleenia]

Please MN, need your help as I'm just at a complete loss.

[TW: Rape & Suicide]

Essentially, I have barely no contact with my children and haven't really done for three years. Relationship with the father ended at my request. There was abuse, serious abuse including rape. My DC do not know this as they are too young. I was also abused as a child (Not sexually though).

The Parental Alienation came absolutely left field. I had a good relationship with both children prior to this. Now, I'm the bad parent and I cannot explain myself to them. In fact, I believe they think I am lying. They now live with him and I only know roughly where they are. I do have email contact but only one will reply and they are not good emails. DD is rightly angry.

My entire life was destroyed. I nearly died twice.

ow that the DC are getting older, the day is coming when they will quite rightly want answers. I just don't know how to answer them and save them from pain either way. i.e. if they believe me then they will understand how much their father betrayed them for his own ends OR they will continue to hold the belief that I am a bad mother and also a liar.

Of course, he is a narc and probably a psychopath to boot.
I was an emotional mess for a couple of years as I battled my way through the family court. I'm better now (spent one year basically not eating) but the days stretch out in front of me and I have no idea what the future will bring. Or to handle the inevitable.

I know my case is an extreme one but does anyone have a pointers/links/advice that could help?

Thank you.

So if you want to change that then it is you who needs to make the effort, because when they realise that you essentially gave up on them that is just going to confirm what they already thought.

I had to withdraw, my DD's MH was suffering. Seriously suffering. I am emailing them, I'm just not getting a response.

@Melsuleenia

So if you want to change that then it is you who needs to make the effort, because when they realise that you essentially gave up on them that is just going to confirm what they already thought.

I had to withdraw, my DD's MH was suffering. Seriously suffering. I am emailing them, I'm just not getting a response.

What do you mean by this? Why was you having contact with your DD causing her mental health issues?

That's not what I meant. It wasn't me, it was the family court situation.

Hey xx I understand the pressures of the family courts, I've had years of it. Buy I think the problem you have here is that your a bit damed if you do and damed if you don't!
Think how the children would feel if you told them the truth about their father? In essence they would probably feel let down by both of you. I think they would feel really screwed up to suddenly realise their father isn't who they thought he was. Secondly I think they may ask questions as to why you didn't fight harder if they realised all the bad stuff he did.
I think it's about damage limitation. Can I asked were you offered supervised contact? Were they living with him already ? I'm just wandering how you actually stopped seeing them? The reason being that i think this may have a bearing on how you approach the situation.

Thank you. That is precisely how I feel, damned if I do or don't. I don't want them to feel pressured.

Essentially, I had a breakdown, they went to live with him but actually part of the breakdown was he had been stalking me, harassing partners etc. He was already attempting to take them before the breakdown.

I did try. For two years but as I said, it was DD's MH that was suffering. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I did not want to stop. At all. I was ready to go on but I was breaking under the strain as well. Utterly terrified. It plays on my mind how they will cope when they do hear the truth. Or maybe they just won't believe me?

The kids do not want to be dragged back through that and I get that however the abuse did happen. It was ongoing for something like 15 years. I never bad mouthed him to them ever. I have no idea what they have been told.

so emails...no response...you've exhausted that route

you need a response...to open dialogue of some sort, get a conversation going to start to rebuild a relationship

i'd be very tempted to 'offer' them something. this won't be a popular opinion but the way i see it you have nothing to lose. easter is approaching, i think offering a gift of some sort, something tangible? to hook them in, get them thinking 'mum' still cares....gift/eggs/vouchers/photos/letters

this is teenagers you are dealing with, and 'stuff' vouchers etc etc is the currency teens deal in

sorry ,i'm bound to upset someone on here, easily done

i'm a mum of teens/young adults who is in a similar situation except its a dad who has removed himself from their lives. they listen if he offers up money etc not that i have ever really discouraged mine from seeing him, he just isn't bothered

you just need that one chance to be let in

I do offer money and sometimes it is taken, sometimes not. Absolutely correct: I just need a way in.

You know, I'd give anything for one phone call.

I should add that I did report to the police but whilst saying they believed me - very clear that they were not remotely interested.

Do you have a family member or friend who is still in their life you trust? Someone that they also trust?