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Relationships

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Original poster

Did you have an affair and rewrite history?

70 replies

Mumof3confused · 18/02/2022 09:10

I see this a lot. He/she has an affair and rewrites history. I’d love to hear from those who have been there, ie they were the one that had the affair. Did you rewrite history? If so, was this some sort of story that you made up in your own head and did you eventually come to your senses? Or was it a case of falling in love and having your eyes opened to cracks that already existed in your marriage?

I’m genuinely interested in this phenomenon, not here to judge.

OP posts:

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 18/02/2022 10:57

What do you mean by 'rewrite history'?

Bananarama21 · 18/02/2022 10:58

They aren't going to tell you why they believe their own version. It's a case when someone gives there's side of a story his side her side and somewhere in between is the truth.

lilmishap · 18/02/2022 11:04

@IsntItIronicDontchaThink it's when someone whose been married for X years starts claiming they were miserable/trapped/not intimate/not understood the whole time to justify the affair.

Theredjellybean · 18/02/2022 11:05

I did have the affair and no I did not rewrite history.
I was honest about reason for seeking an affair and the fact is I fell in love with affair partner in a way I'd never been in love before.
I'm not sure if he re wrote things, from what I understand now, he was pretty unhappy in his marriage for a very long time.
We did end the affair and several yrs later both had separated and we re connected and now several yrs later very happy together.
Neither of us re write things, we both agree having affair was wrong, wish it had not been the way we met etc.

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 18/02/2022 11:05

Thanks @lilmishap

MrMrsJones · 18/02/2022 11:07

I think when you have had a marriage break down for whatever reason, you do focus on the bad bits and forget the good times.

KylieKoKo · 18/02/2022 11:15

How could anyone ever know if the person who had the affair is rewriting history or the cheated on person? I think in reality both probably do to a certain extent.

scooterbear · 18/02/2022 12:31

Exdh did this in a huge way. He had an affair with a friend of mine. Then said he didn't. Then denied that the photos and messages between them that clearly showed they were having an affair showed they were Having an affair. Then said that the meeting he had with her husband where the husband. Begged him him to stop didn't Happen. Then admitted it did. Then said it started after we split up. Then said I was having an affair. He fully believes his own lies. Incredible business.
DP's ex wife did similar. Admitted having an affair when found out but the said it was DP's fault. Then said he had abused her. Just total nonsense.
There are three sides to the end of every marriage I think-his side, her side and the truth in the middle-but some people cannot bear to live with their own behaviour -so they lie and lie until they believe their own version of themselves.

ravenmum · 18/02/2022 12:51

I didn't have the affair, my exh did, but sure, I rewrote history, in that I saw everything we'd ever done in a whole new light.

5128gap · 18/02/2022 18:17

People tend to justify the affair at the time by magnifying faults in their partner, telling themselves the partner is so awful they can't be blamed. If they leave for the AP they tend to justify it to other people by telling them their primary partner was so awful they couldn't be blamed. Is that what you mean?

venusandmars · 18/02/2022 18:47

I met someone and fell head over heels (infatuation) within the space of 2 days - my friend said that it was like an electric current! We didn't have an affair but the feeling made the scales fall from my eyes and I saw my marriage in a different light - coercive control, financial abuse, all the things I'd been denying for 6 years .

My closest friends were cheering from the sidelines and I was liberated. I rewrote my own rule book on what makes a healthy relationship.

I'm still glad that I met the person I was infatuated with, but very glad we didn't have any kind of ongoing relationship.

StrangerBings · 18/02/2022 22:43

My DH had an affair with a co-worker and whilst it was going on it was like the invasion of the body snatchers had taken him. He said he has been unhappy for 10 years of our then 15 years together and that I was basically an awful wife/person. I couldn't get my head around it. He was one of those that was always disgusted at anyone having an affair.
After I found out, and it ended with the AP, it was like the body snatcher had left him. Suddenly he would deny saying/meaning any of the awful stuff he did or said. I guess it was his way of coping with the reality of it. We are still together but it's never been the same for me and although he worships me now, I will never forget those words and actions. I'll never truly love him again and one day I will leave. On my terms. With no guilt.

user43786 · 18/02/2022 22:53

Name changed for this for obvious reasons. For me it was a mixture of both, I think I did rewrite some parts of the relationship but the cracks were already there because happily married people don't have affairs. It's because you try to justify it to yourself, the emotions that you go through when having an affair are hard to cope with, (not looking for sympathy before anyone jumps in I'm just saying it from my perspective) I'd feel terrible guilt one minute then I'd get a text or phone call from my affair partner and immediately those emotions would change to happiness and any feelings of guilt would disappear because I was the hard done by one. It's not easy living two different lives and sometimes the longing to be with the OM were so bad I'd be picking faults in my husband and comparing both men. I read up on the psychology behind it all and completely understood how I was trying to justify it to myself yet I still couldn't stop, the emotions I felt during my affair were by far the strongest ones I've ever felt in my life and it's impossible to block them out or ignore them no matter how hard you try.

donesomethingterrible · 19/02/2022 00:40

@user43786 this is so accurate

litlealligator · 19/02/2022 08:12

My ex partner did this in a big way and I've always wondered what he makes of it now a lot of time has passed. He had severe anxiety which really limited what we could do together, but when he met someone else he decided in fact I was the boring one who limited all activities and I was holding him back. For example, he said that he was more of an adventurous party person and I wasn't, and he needed to be with someone more outgoing who wanted to party. I pointed out that I went to parties on my own regularly because he never wanted to come. Then he said well, the kind of parties I go to aren't the cool parties he would go to, and that I didn't socialise with the kind of people he and the OW to socialise with. I pointed out that I literally met the OW before he did - at a party that he didn't want to go to. I mean it seriously blew my mind not only how you could rewrite history like that but that it made absolutely no logical sense

sallyslytherin · 19/02/2022 08:21

I cheated on a long term partner. I won't say affair as we weren't married and the relationship had been dead in the water for some time. At the time I felt horrendous but I can look back now and totally see why I did it. I don't think that is rewriting history it's just gaining a little perspective and being able to look at a situation with the benefit of hindsight.

My partner at the time was a huge cocklodger. He wasn't abusive in any way but he was incredibly dull and sucked the life out of me. I spoke to him many times about how I felt and how I felt the relationship was in trouble but he did nothing to try and fix things. I couldn't leave as it was my house and every time I asked him to leave I got sob stories and guilt. So yeah when someone else showed me a little attention and fun I fell for it. It didn't work out with him either but I'm glad it happened or there's every chance I could still be muddling on with the ex.

I know some people rewrite history to make out that their partners were awful and they deserved to be cheated on. I know what I did was wrong and I should have had more conviction about really getting rid of the ex before starting something else. But I don't feel the same sort of guilt over it. We are all only human.

forlornlorna · 19/02/2022 08:25

Like a previous poster has said, I think it really opens your eyes to the flaws in your relationship if you find yourself in a situation that is or could be an affair.

A year before I left my exh a man made a play for me. I didn't let it go anywhere but the way he treated me in that time gave me the confidence and push I needed to get out of an awful marriage. I really took a hard look into the way I was treated by my exh and the things he'd put me through. And so I started plans to leave. Had to flee in the end as I'm pretty sure he could tell I'd checked out and he did something awful. But I'm glad I had my eyes opened

Mumoblue · 19/02/2022 08:27

I’ve never cheated, but my ex rewrote history. Unfortunately for him he did it so dramatically as a way to try and guilt me into staying with him that I just found it pathetic and a little bit funny. He tried claiming that he’d been “miserable” for 80% of our relationship because I was just that terrible but he stuck in there and lied to me and told me he was happy. Boy, if you were that good at lying, I wouldn’t have caught you cheating as easily as I did.

NashvilleQueen · 19/02/2022 08:28

I'll be honest OP if you're honestly not here to judge you might want to rephrase your post because it certainly sounds as though you have a clear view on the matter!

HeadNorth · 19/02/2022 08:37

My mum had an affair (she left my dad for him in the end) and she rewrote history at the time. She claimed my dad was a monster, but I was there and he really wasn't. Certainly they were incompatible and it was best they divorced, but he wasn't a brute and she wasn't the injured saint she tried to make herself out to be who had been rescued by her white knight.

Over 30 years later, ironically the white knight turned out to be genuinely abusive and ground my poor mum down so much she never found the strength to leave him, thankfully he drank himself to death. My so called brute of a father had a long and happy marriage with a lovely woman who was a far better match for him.

Years later when the dust had settled my mum could admit she was unfair to my dad and just trying to justify herself. because she knew what she was doing was wrong. People are human and we sometimes do shitty things, then we have to tell a story to ourselves to help us live with that.

Original poster

Mumof3confused · 20/02/2022 06:57

Thanks for your replies. I also believe that an affair can open your eyes to existing flaws inside your marriage. As someone said, also fault finding with your partner to justify what you are doing to some extent.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 20/02/2022 12:40

some intriguing perspectives

LazyMareofEastown · 20/02/2022 12:46

I think people who get together through affairs feel the need to prove that their affair relationship is the most star-crossed love story of all time in order to justify their shitty, devious, destructive behaviour.

It doesn't justify it but they still feel the need. This usually includes a......creative take on the facts included in their deception. Smearing the former spouse is often part of this.

user43786 · 20/02/2022 13:04

@LazyMareofEastown like I said it was 50/50 for me and happily married people don't have affairs. Equally I've seen the partner who was cheated on painting a picture of a perfect marriage and saying they don't understand what happened when the reality is very different and people know that. I guess the saying there's always 3 sides to every story is true......

Thewookiemustgo · 20/02/2022 17:52

@user43786 happily married people do have affairs, unfortunately. It’s just not true to claim that happily married people do not have affairs. Not all affair dynamics are the same.
What is true from what I’ve read here and experienced is that most affair partners tell each other they are unhappily married or in a bad relationship in order to justify acting on attraction/ just fancying somebody else. You’re either a poor trapped unhappy soul being saved by having an affair (therefore not doing anything bad as you were clearly driven to it, cue vilifying of spouse plus history rewrite) or else what does that make you? If you’re not unhappy, you’re probably somebody who loves their wife/ husband/ partner, has no intention of ever leaving them and therefore having an affair for excitement and novelty, which is an act of pure selfishness and hardly likely to make you appear attractive to the affair partner that you’re also lying to in order to advance/ prolong the affair and taking them for an unholy and ultimately painful ride.
The history rewrite/ partner assassination plus glorification of the affair partner/ affair relationship is usually necessary to stop affair partners feeling guilty, or looking like, well, just that - people having an affair. Probably there are more unhappy than happy people having affairs, but to know for sure only unhappy people have affairs is impossible.
Given that the vast majority of these poor unhappy souls with terrible partners and shit relationships go back to that relationship/ partner on discovery (if they get the chance) it suggests otherwise.

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