Did you have an affair and rewrite history?

[Mumof3confused]

I see this a lot. He/she has an affair and rewrites history. I’d love to hear from those who have been there, ie they were the one that had the affair. Did you rewrite history? If so, was this some sort of story that you made up in your own head and did you eventually come to your senses? Or was it a case of falling in love and having your eyes opened to cracks that already existed in your marriage?

I’m genuinely interested in this phenomenon, not here to judge.

I think some of the time by the time someone has an affair, their marriage is over in their minds. So they can justify doing it. They've checked out.

Some already know the playbook and get their ducks in a row, start gaslighting, making the other feel like a shit partner, so when they leave they can justify it to themselves, and others.

A lot of Affair couples come out a little while after the break up which is awkward as fuck.

@declutteringmymind

A lot of Affair couples come out a little while after the break up which is awkward as fuck.

You mean they try to hide the fact that they had an affair and pretend it all started after the divorce?

My ex did this. He'd moved in with her 3 weeks after he left me. I was devastated at the time but nearly 8 months on I think I've got the better deal and he's still trying to convince himself he's done the right thing and that he loves her.

I had a chaotic relationship in my late teens. He cheated on me and we were always breaking up and getting back together. For a long time I was very angry about how I was treated. It's been over 30 years ago now so he's been out of my thoughts for a long time.

A mutual friend committed suicide recently and it really affected me. We are connected on fb so I message him and we had a brief patch of messaging.

I then spent a bit of time thinking about our relationship with the highlight of being an adult. I realised that I had totally rewritten history. I was just as chaotic as he was and actually a lot of his behaviour was in response to my behaviour. He wasn't the only one cheating. I probably owe him an apology.

I think all rewriting is just lies, to oneself and others.

All parties in the affair lie, the husband, wife (this can be in the form of lying to oneself/others and minimising) and the affair partner lie.

People lie to get what they want, truth very rarely gets you this. After a very long marriage I'm sure my husband lied to his AP and she lied to him about her situation, but really if you've been together for many many years there could have been numerous times in a marriage where excuses could have been presented to excuse the behaviour for an affair.
It's a cop out to present one moment in time when really it was just about opportunity, ego and attraction, luck in finding someone who you fancy and they fancy you back at a time when both parties self esteem needs boosting.

It is what it is, but honestly I would have had much more respect to be told bluntly and honestly about the whole drama, the lies and rewriting are the rediculousness of it, incredulous stories and stupifying performances are almost laughable, especially in a long, knowing each other inside out marriage.

I still cringe at the rewriting people were expected to believe and feel embarrased for him.

No marriage is perfect, but some couples aknowledge this, it is part of a long enduring union. That is part of the betrayal, the negating of feelings that are and once were, real.
To be portrayed in a false light is hugely damaging and the defamation of someones character is extremely hard to forgive.

My h after many years is still lying, to me, himself, my family, his family, the children.

Lies are lies and I prefer to not have that in my life now, the whole long enduring episode of affair, marriage wrecked, children devasted, extended family estranged gave me my fill of lies for life.

Rewriting history is for people I don't want to be involved with. There are many people and couples that never have that in their lives, I wish I were one of them, but I really don't think they have a clue how devastating that part of an affair is.

It's brutal.

@ned yes

. . . but really if you've been together for many many years there could have been numerous times in a marriage where excuses could have been presented to excuse the behaviour for an affair.
It's a cop out to present one moment in time when really it was just about opportunity, ego and attraction, luck in finding someone who you fancy and they fancy you back at a time when both parties self esteem needs boosting.

This is brilliant and is why the usual "people in happy marriages don't cheat" phrase is such bollocks when one is considering a long marriage. No long marriage (say, 10 years+) is without some difficult periods where someone's needs are not being perfectly met by the other. THERE IS NO PERFECTLY HAPPY MARRIAGE AT ALL TIMES OVER MANY YEARS. The narrative is so, so destructive and devastating to the cheated on partner. I'm terrified for those who believe that over a 40-year marriage there's no way their partner (or they) will be unfaithful because they'll somehow affair proof their marriage in a way that somehow others couldn't.

@dontknowwhatcomesnext absolutely agree. Which probably explains why the majority of people wish to return to the marriage or primary relationship when the affair is discovered or finishes. It wasn’t as crap as their re-write portrayed or their partner’s faults weren’t as bad as they had convinced themselves they were.
Also it’s more often the cheated on partner who is under the microscope for having ‘failed’ in some way or it’s assumed that the relationship must have been terrible. It’s a double whammy as you’ve just been betrayed as a consequence of the appalling choices of others, then also made to feel to blame for their actions. Both parties need to look at the part they play in the primary relationship, but the blame for the affair lies squarely at the feet of the betrayer.

If you’ve ever watched “Friends”, the episode where Ross makes a list about Rachel to try to decide between her and Julie sums up some of the feelings when you realise you’ve probably been talked about in a negative light by your partner.

ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.

RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

@Thewookiemustgo

Thanks for your reply. How are you feeling about it all now a year on? I was devastated at the time but time does heal I’ve found although I do not trust men now. I have come across some absolute arseholes on OLD too which hasn’t helped the way I feel about them!

I could write so much about rewriting of history but don't have time right now. Firstly although I think affairs are always wrong I don't think in black and white terms so appreciate there are instances where the below doesn't quite apply.

Whatever boredom or unsatifaction the unfaithful spouse was feeling in regards to the relationship it is often completely insignificant to the absolute devastating pain and lifelong impact that an affair inflicts on the faithful spouse, children and any others seriously affected.

There is always something in almost every aspect of life that one can find that isn't "perfect" or could be better. That's life. So there will always be something the unfaithful spouse will be able to find fault with in their relationship, especially if they are looking for faults.

The mental gymnastics people do to justify to themselves for doing appalling things to others can be truly shocking.

It can in many cases boil down to whether people value what they do have rather than what they don't have.

@Keystone76 don’t feel any different about what happened, because nothing can change what happened. It hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced and thinking about it still hurts and probably always will. I have accepted it happened, have accepted his version of why and how it happened, he accepts totally that there were no excuses whatsoever and hasn’t ever tried to give any, he blames himself entirely. We have discussed the whys and hows and whats and whens, none of what he said involves me or our marriage, I know what he was going through at the time, (not prepared to discuss it here) he acknowledges he had plenty of support from me, he knows he dealt with it and the then bruised self esteem by being a weak, cowardly selfish shit (his words) and bitterly regrets it. The OW wasn’t ‘special’, she could have been anyone attractive who was prepared to flatter his ego at the time. It went on for so long because it was ‘easy’ and ‘she kept making herself available to me’. He’s not exactly proud of any of that either. It was all the absolute lowest point in his life. He ended it after discovery made the two compartments of his life collide and he was forced for the first time to see what an appalling excuse for a man he’d become and how much his actions would hurt me. They think they know how much it would hurt but until they see it in front of them, they realise they’ve rewritten and lied to themselves about that, too. It’s not just rewriting, it’s as on the dunes said, he was lying and minimising everything to himself. It nearly killed him.
I’ll never completely trust anyone again and I actually think it’s foolhardy to do so. That doesn’t mean I’m suspicious or on eggshells, it just means nobody’s perfect I guess and that I’ve woken up to the fact that most people are capable of most things given the right circumstances for them.
The future? I try to live in the present moment, it has fewer disappointments. If he wants to fuck his life up that’s up to him, but I’m prepared now, and he won’t take me and our children down with him if he ever does. It would genuinely surprise me if he did and I’d see him as a hopeless dead loss not worth bothering with if he’s that stupid.
I got through it, I know how strong I am and I’m quite prepared to divorce him if there’s even a sniff of anything like this again.
He completely appreciates what he has and does everything he can to show it. Pity it took this for him to realise that, but that’s on him. I didn’t have to stay for the cash nor do I believe in staying for the children if you’re genuinely unhappy. I didn’t stay for any other reason than we had a great relationship (with its peaks and troughs, yes) for 34 years before he was a total arse, and it and the life and family and home we’ve built together most certainly wasn’t worth trashing for a dick led midlife crisis and a younger woman daft enough to believe that youthful beauty means a man would dump the woman and family he loves. She needs to rethink her concept of older women, she’s going to be one sooner than she thinks. I’ve never met or contacted her and have no desire to do so. Dignity was hard to find initially after betrayal but I refused and still refuse to lower myself. My only dignity failure was a private moment on my own in the house the week I found out, between me, the shirt and chinos he wore to the hotel, a pair of scissors, black Sharpie, cold curry sauce and the bin.
We’re two and a half years out now and the roller coaster has slowed down a lot, it’s been hard work and extremely painful for both of us, but the joyous times we’ve had and realisations we’ve come to about ourselves and our marriage show me it’s worth (in our case) hanging in there. If he’d continued to be an arse on discovery or blamed me in any way he’d have been out immediately. I usually get flak for this stuff and someone once described me as ‘an advocate for staying with a cheat after infidelity’. I’m actually not! Whether or not you give anyone another chance depends on so many variables that I wouldn’t recommend staying to anyone. It’s worked out (so far, anyway) for me, but I’d never presume to know enough about anyone’s relationship or partner to recommend staying. It’s far easier to spot when to leave.

I think everyone rewrites history to some point. The cheater and the cheated.

The cheater might make out that they were more unhappy than they were, the cheated on makes out that they don't know why it happened because everything was 'perfect'. When in reality, it never is.

I can't say I 'rewrote history' but I was, in the end, more honest about how I had felt over the years. I had tried to talk to my then-DH about it but he was one of those brush-it-under-the-carpet, she'll be fine, she's just having a moment type. I gave up trying to talk to him about my unhappiness in our marriage, what I needed from him etc and ended up finding it somewhere else. He might say, I 'rewrote history' because he doesn't think I was that unhappy and thinks I made it up to justify my actions, but how does he know? He paid zero attention to how I was really feeling and turned a blind eye. He'd be kidding himself to look back and say there were no signs but I am sure he has said that numerous times over.

I had an affair and no I did not rewrite history, would never ever do anything like it again. The pain it caused those closest to me I couldn't repeat. I am back with my partner and expecting a baby.

A friend has totally rewritten the end of her marriage.
She was unhappy, had an affair, and then ended her marriage. She is married to affair now.
She told everyone at the time that the new relationship had started after the marriage had ended. She has even told us that, although she knows, that we know this isn't true.
We saw her with affair more than once, and he even turned up on a holiday we were on together and they shared a room, while she was still married.
We have distanced ourselves as it was really weird, almost self deception (and I don't like her new husband).

@hereforthetea

Are you still together?

You and your husband.

[quote Onthedunes]@hereforthetea

Are you still together?

You and your husband.[/quote]
No. He wanted me to stay, I chose divorce.

I don’t think I ever made out we were happier than we were, our relationship wasn’t perfect, (there’s no such thing) and we had what I considered to be ‘normal’ peaks and troughs but generally felt the same about things. That’s why the affair was such a shock. Not once did he say he was unhappy or complain about anything, I truly wish he had. What I found out after the affair was that he wasn’t unhappy with me or the marriage, he always wanted me and the marriage and never intended leaving. He was terrified that he might have changed me and the marriage by his actions, (he had) and he desperately wanted the broken pieces back together. He has never said ‘if only you had been more/ less.....’ or wanted me to make changes, and whilst not at all perfect, he has said over and over again that it was him, not me. We were forced to look hard at ourselves and our relationship and anyone who thinks they don’t need self-improvement or can’t make a relationship any better, even a really good one, are the ones who are kidding themselves. He was unhappy with himself and hadn’t looked inwards to his own issues, or see his needs at the time after a significant life event for external validation, which harks back to tough childhood issues he hadn’t explored and he still finds that really difficult. These aren’t excuses for his behaviour, just issues that have come out afterwards. I repeat, there are no excuses. As the alpha-type guy who ‘never put a foot wrong’ he finds it tough to face how low he stooped during the affair. It made us both take a long hard look at ourselves though which was no bad thing. I can’t look back over the years and see our relationship as perfect over all that time, nor idyllic nor the epitome of some romantic novel, but we were and are great friends who are fortunate enough to love and still fancy each other and want to share our lives together. There’s a scar on the relationship now, it’s visible some days and at times causes problems, but although it will always be visible and need acknowledgement, it’s gradually fading. I consider our marriage to be a work in progress and the thing I’ve learned the hard way is that that is actually what marriage is from day 1 until the very last moment.

I didn’t have an affair, nor did my exh but in some ways I think we both re-wrote our history. When you are together and in the moment you see things very much for how they are in that moment and it’s not until time has passed and you learn and grow and look back that you see things with more perceptive. Sometimes it’s rose tinted glasses, sometimes it’s liking backing and seeing the red flags that you ignored at the time but now it’s ever so clear.

Peoples truth is not fixed, it’s fluid. I thought I loved my exh and was happy. Now I have found true soul mate love I realised now I was settling. And behaviours in my exh that I thought were ok, now I see were not (him belittling me and calling me names etc).

Likewise my exh tells everyone I was financially controlling, well the truth was he was awful with money and debt and made me handle all our financial affairs. At the time this was what he wanted, now he sees it as controlling.

Peoples truth is allowed to change based on how we change and the experiences we have.

As far as I was concerned the marriage as a union was broken, unrepairable from my viewpoint, like an irreplacable Ming vase, 35 years of partnership could not be replicated with anyone else, not enough time, unnachievable.

Long marriages that survive have a specialness to them, a love which transends youthful love and I have seen many of them, still see them, they are not perfect, of course not, but that is the thing you are allowed to be not perfect and still be loved regardless on both sides.

It is not idealistic, it is the truth for many marriages.

For me the details of the affair and marriage ending now are irrelavant, all discussion and talks finished, the bartering is off the table. The excuses and rewriting history becomes meaningless, the game is over.

Not until you have distanced yourself from the madness does it end, even the gossip to others becomes boring.
Life goes on and you can stand back and see how utterly stupid you were to play the game, I feel foolish for partaking in the craziness of a situation he created.

Saying that I do think MN must scare many of the younger women who become jaded thinking every marriage must end in affairs, divorce and hate, they don't, my life has been filled with couples who stayed together forever.

Yes be aware but don't lose that hope and trust which bonds a union.
It's not inevitable.

From the perspective of someone who’s been there, rewriting history often feels like a way to justify actions you know deep down were wrong. When I had an affair, I started telling myself that my marriage was already broken—that I was unhappy, unfulfilled, or trapped. At the time, it felt like I was just realizing these things, but in hindsight, I think it was more about creating a narrative that let me feel less guilty.
The cracks in the marriage were real, but I wasn’t honest about them or working to fix them before the affair. The new relationship felt like a wake-up call, but it was also an escape. Eventually, I did come to my senses and realized that the story I was telling myself wasn’t the full truth. The affair didn’t create clarity—it created chaos.
It’s hard to face yourself and admit that instead of dealing with problems, you ran from them. But that’s what rewriting history often is: a way to avoid accountability. If I could go back, I’d address those cracks in the marriage openly, before they became excuses.