Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to let him go

40 replies

Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy · 17/02/2022 19:54

My boyfriends on strong painkillers but he's depressed too. We don't live together. He took a tablet this afternoon that he should take at night. This resulted in him sleeping all afternoon. He told me to go down regardless. We'd have spaghetti bolgonse and I'd stay until tomorrow night. At 5am he text. I called and he was confused and sleepy. I said do you need back to sleep. He got angry and said I told you earlier to just come down so why are you on the phone asking me this. I tried to explain if he was exhausted and couldn't wake up I'd understand if he didn't want me there. He got moody. He then said he wasn't likely going to want to eat either. I said OK I didn't eat with the kids now and I've got all the stuff out ready. He got even more snappy and sarcastically said just do as you please.

He then wouldn't answer the phone so I went round just to try sort the situation. All his lights were off. Very odd as he always has his lamps on as he can't stand the pitch black. He looked out the window and said for f sake when he saw me. Unlocked the door and walked back into rhe house. I went in and said I just wanted to talk and hoped we could lie and just Dall asleep watching tele. He started saying further horrible stuff.

I've done alot for him financially and in every other way recently. Including paying to have his electric back on yesterday. I have provided everything from milk to stamps to full food shops. I've called places up and sent emails all to help him whilst he's in a mess. I've also funded his £80 a week smoke habit. He pays back a chunk each month but nowhere near all.

He has just let me walk home in the dark for an hour and his attitude was I didn't ask you to fucking come down. I told him I felt unappreciated and used. I'd done everything to help and I'm the only person helping him and this is how he repays me. He said oh yeah throw it all back in my face.

I've just walked home in tears and I realised he's done this 4 times since Christmas. He's horrible on opiates and his moods instantly change.

I love him to death and other times he's protective and cares for me. He always says how much he loves me.

But tonight I just know loving him isn't enough. This is abuse and I have failed to leave this cycle too many times.

I'm terrified he's going to harm himself as he's not stable. But I have got to wake up.

He has two very different personalities and I only love one of them. I have no fight left in me. I wasn't looking for a row. He told me I am a different person on the phone and claimed I brought it all on myself asking questions.

He falls asleep so early every evening and our sex life is non existent too. I need to get him out my system.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 17/02/2022 20:07

What would happen if you refused to give him any more money. Tell him you need it for things for your DC. Does he work.

formalineadeline · 17/02/2022 20:10

You've posted about him before, haven't you?

Have you ended the relationship? Are you going to?

iwishu · 17/02/2022 20:11

He's awful, you're not responsible for funding his lifestyle, are the kids his?
All he does is take from you and gives you nothing in return. This pattern repeats over and over until you finally have enough, i hope that is now?

Put yourself and your children first, he doesn't deserve it.

RaininSummer · 17/02/2022 20:24

Wow. All bad but just the 80 pounds a week smoking habit would be enough for me.

supercali77 · 17/02/2022 20:36

Yeah, you've got to stop this. God know everyone deserves better than this

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 20:42

He always says how much he loves me.
Doesn't show it though, does he?
Words are cheap.

I love him to death and other times he's protective and cares for me.
Why do you imagine yourself in love with a opioid-addicted grump who uses you for you money, orders you about, & pushes you aside every couple of weeks?

In the kindest way, I want to ask you what the heck happened to your self-esteem?
Why are you paying £80-plus a week to be this man's unappreciated servant?

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 20:44

His smoking habit is costing your DC £4000 a year btw.

Think of the fun & holidays you & the kids could have with that ...

Really18 · 17/02/2022 20:45

Run in the opposite direction. Come on now. Why are you funding someone else's lifestyle?You have children to support send your money in them instead of his drugs, food and electricity. This relationship sucks.

baileys6904 · 17/02/2022 20:50

I'm on prescription opioids and have been for a number of years. Doesn't make me an arsehole. He's just naturally an arse. Blaming the medication just eliminates his culpability.

Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy · 17/02/2022 21:06

I know. Him treating me like this tonight has destroyed me..but I'm too afraid to let go of the happy times and I'm so lonely since I separated from my children's dad I think it'd comforting to be with him at his house 3 evenings a week.

I need to break away so much..but I already know tonight is going to be so hard for me. I'll be waking up restless checking my phone. I'm absolutely lost. I know if my friends and family knew the half of this it would break their hearts. I just have fallen in love with an abusive man with q shed load of problems.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 17/02/2022 21:12

OP's previous thread- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4469810-What-do-I-do-now?pg=1

Please just finish with him. What do you get from him?
You need to leave and build your self esteem up instead of putting up with this abuse.

SortingItOut · 17/02/2022 21:13

And this one where you left out all the details of his abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4480055-Am-I-being-shallow

sweetbellyhigh · 17/02/2022 21:16

Put your energy into yourself! Spend £80 a week on therapy and the gym, I GUARANTEE you will feel better than you do now.

Spend your cooking time prepping delicious food for yourself and your family, not some bad tempered beast who lives elsewhere.

Jesus it's not rocket science

phizog · 17/02/2022 21:17

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy

I know. Him treating me like this tonight has destroyed me..but I'm too afraid to let go of the happy times and I'm so lonely since I separated from my children's dad I think it'd comforting to be with him at his house 3 evenings a week.

I need to break away so much..but I already know tonight is going to be so hard for me. I'll be waking up restless checking my phone. I'm absolutely lost. I know if my friends and family knew the half of this it would break their hearts. I just have fallen in love with an abusive man with q shed load of problems.

I don't know what to do.

You realise you're basically paying this man for companionship.... Being lonely should be not be a reason you're diverting funds you could use on you/your kids on some jobless, bum, waste of space man. For heavens sake, how can you not find better things to spend your time on?!

Sorry, for the tough love. But it is so depressing that you think you need to be shelling out money to get love (and you're not even getting that!), and are putting up with being mistreated just because you don't like being single. Break up with this crappy person, invest the money into yourself, and find happiness with friends and family instead of losers.

Pegsonstrings · 17/02/2022 21:39

This is no way to live. He is basically conditioning you into accepting his behaviour. Stand by yourself and believe in you for your children sake if nothing else. He will definitely try and minimise his last behaviour towards you which will be a reason for you to doubt your own judgment. So take it from us here on mumsnet, he is fully aware of what he is doing to you and no kindness from him occasionally when he is reeling you back is work it. He is a bully. Stop and think about what he is doing to you financially and emotionally. If you felt he wasn’t bad you would not be on here asking Flowers

Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy · 17/02/2022 21:51

I know you are right. His problems I can't fix. But because he's mentally unwell I've become this person like give me that I'll sort it.

This week alone I've randand emailed a solicitor twice on his behalf.
I've posted off 2 lots of letters and paid for the envelopes and stamps.
I've paid to have his electric put back on.
Paid for a takeaway.
Got him a plant from the garden center.
Paid for 2 pouches of tobacco
Make him a roast dinner and took it down.
Paid for essentials toothpaste/milk etc.

He can't work due to his back and the system has failed him to be fair to him. He's worked hard his whole life until 6 months ago.

I agree so much. That one of the best things for me would not be giving him money anymore. It's so confusing. One day he's talking if the future and wanting to meet my kids.the next it's all my fault and he wants me gone.

I'm going to get into bed and do some serious reading up tonight on how to break these cycles.

I am trying so hard I just keep getting sucked back up.

OP posts:
phizog · 17/02/2022 22:11

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy

I know you are right. His problems I can't fix. But because he's mentally unwell I've become this person like give me that I'll sort it.

This week alone I've randand emailed a solicitor twice on his behalf.
I've posted off 2 lots of letters and paid for the envelopes and stamps.
I've paid to have his electric put back on.
Paid for a takeaway.
Got him a plant from the garden center.
Paid for 2 pouches of tobacco
Make him a roast dinner and took it down.
Paid for essentials toothpaste/milk etc.

He can't work due to his back and the system has failed him to be fair to him. He's worked hard his whole life until 6 months ago.

I agree so much. That one of the best things for me would not be giving him money anymore. It's so confusing. One day he's talking if the future and wanting to meet my kids.the next it's all my fault and he wants me gone.

I'm going to get into bed and do some serious reading up tonight on how to break these cycles.

I am trying so hard I just keep getting sucked back up.

But why are you doing all this for him? He's not your child. How much more could you do with life if you stopped being a carer for a grown man?

You don't get points for rescuing anyone. You only get contempt really, because he knows that if you had more self respect you wouldn't be doing this. So actually it makes him not respect you because he can see you are more dependent on him than he is on you - if you had more going on, you wouldn't still be here. Women are conditioned to think that the more you do for someone the more they'll appreciate you and care for you. But that's not true, the more you do, the fewer boundaries you have- the more advantage they will take of you.

Babyg1995 · 17/02/2022 22:22

I was in your position op not for long though I got shot of him .
This guy will be the same as my ex rubbing his hands together and loving that your paying for all this I only put up with it a couple of months that was enough.

UserBotLurking9to5 · 17/02/2022 22:45

Why do you love him?

What is it about him that's lovable?

chaosrabbitland · 17/02/2022 22:55

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy

I know. Him treating me like this tonight has destroyed me..but I'm too afraid to let go of the happy times and I'm so lonely since I separated from my children's dad I think it'd comforting to be with him at his house 3 evenings a week.

I need to break away so much..but I already know tonight is going to be so hard for me. I'll be waking up restless checking my phone. I'm absolutely lost. I know if my friends and family knew the half of this it would break their hearts. I just have fallen in love with an abusive man with q shed load of problems.

I don't know what to do.

i think you know you need to let him go , im on two lots of the strongest prescription painkillers and i dont carry on like this , i mean yes if its my day off i might nap for a bit ,but then i dont feel well a lot of the time generally , i work so the painkillers dont have me falling alseep as im too busy , hes not working so theres nothing to take his mind off his pain so hes just taking these tablets willy nilly as it wont matter if he sleeps half the day , 80 quid on tabacco is mindboggling , i smoke and an 13 quid pouch lasts me a week , he must be smoking 24/7 it sounds like you are more like his mum than anything else , sorting out all his problems whilst he acts like the stroppy aggresive teenager

its not doing you any good with him and you know it doesnt have any future , introducing him to your kids and getting further emeshed will just be even worse then if you end it , just because then your kids are involved so to speak

Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy · 18/02/2022 06:20

He asks for tobacco money every other day. He gets 30g of tobacco a time at almost £14.... I'd say he spokes hourly in the day and 2-3 in the night. So possibly 20ish a day.

What is it that I love about him? I think the way he made me feel when we first met. I met him through him working on my neighbours house and he would talk to me over the fence and it was like we just clicked. He made me feel alive again when I was lonely. He gave me company. He is funny too and kind. Great cook. We have alot of little things in common.

Q cousin of his suggested he could have BPD as it runs in the family along with bipolar and depression. It does seem like he has two very different personalities. I hate him when he's like this. He's the most selfish, cruel man. But when he's the other way it's like he has this twin that is so loving. He buys me chocolate and makes me drinks, runs me a bath, always making sure I'm OK and saying how much he loves me.

The money thing is half snd half. He has worked hard all his life and he's only entitled to one benefit and that's uc. He's got firms through for pip now but hasn't filled them. I do believe the system is failing him. So I did step in to help him with food and things. He pays me back every month but he actually borrows more than he pays back.

I've not heard anything from him yet he's been on Facebook through the night on and off.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 18/02/2022 06:42

People have to cut their cloth accordingly when their finances reduce, he would have to manage if you weren't there.

I think he saw you coming a mile off- young single mum, newly divorced,low self esteem, desperate to be loved. You were screaming out that you were vulnerable.
He knew he could mould you into what ever he wanted and he has.

This is the real him, he can only keep up the pretence of being lovely for a short while and he knows thst you stay for the 'good' times.

You are worth so much more than this.
You know this relationship is wrong as you post so regularly about it, everyone is telling you to walk away.

I know its hard, I took 17 years to walk away from my ex husband after years of emotional abuse. Don't waste your years on this man.

Apart from your kids what other positives do you have in your life? Job? Family? Friends? Hobbies?

You need to make your life the best it can be rather than spending all your time tip toeing round this man and being distracted by him constantly - you can't be giving your children 100% of you

RantyAunty · 18/02/2022 06:46

How he was at the beginning is fake.

His moody, using, drug addicted, mean ways is the real him.

Spend that extra money on therapy and doing something for yourself.
Get a cat or small dog if you're lonely. It'd be 100x better companion and much cheaper.

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/02/2022 06:49

You know what to do, it's unanimous, you just need to put your big girl pants on and cut the cord

Wallywobbles · 18/02/2022 06:57

Can you really not bring yourself to block him/delete his numbers on everything? And then like any unhealthy habit take it minute by minute. Those minutes become hours, days, weeks. You have to let some time pass before you can begin to heal.

But seriously get some therapy. Work on yourself. You need rescuing from yourself just as much as him. Life is for living and joy. Not being kicked.

Swipe left for the next trending thread