Hi, I've name changed for this post.
I have a partner and children, only 1 child is his. We've been together for a few years but I've known him much longer. For background things are amicable with older kids dad and he comes for tea, Sunday dinner and pops in between him having the kids (usually when he's been working a few days straight so not had much time to see them). We always said he would spend birthdays/Christmas with us so the kids had the best of both worlds and this is how it's always been.
DP is an angry person and grouped with the fact he is off work due to an injury and now awaiting treatment and an operation for this he is depressed. He can't get out much either due to his illness so is experiencing "cabin fever".
He is quite the authoritarian and always the stricter of the two of us which at times has affected our relationship. However I believed we had worked through this and found a compromise.
Recently I was speaking with my DD (13) about her behaviour towards younger siblings and explaining that it seemed strange that she was never at fault. She got upset and walked off in a strop. I went after her and said that it was unacceptable to walk away when DP then marched in behind me and demanded her phone. He then said she had lost it for a week. I disagreed on the grounds that I was dealing with her and his own input was not required. I also said consequences were to be discussed and agreed rather than dictated which is what we agreed when we fell out over the kids.
The same day younger DD (6) had left a bowl she had been using for her sweets in the playroom, no one owned up to it but it came out it was her when I was out of the house. I wasn't told of this when I got home either. Her dad was at the house and he was aware apparently. DP had said she had to eat all food at the table.
The following day we were having a gathering for DD (6) birthday. I ordered a takeaway and when it was delivered the kids were all awaiting theirs and DP said "She's eating hers at the table." I was shocked especially as it was her celebration and she had already been eating all other food at the table. Her dad got up and followed us into the kitchen to sit with her and the other children chose to stay and sit with her. DP came in and questioned why other kids were also at the table. I explained it was their choice and his reply was "Well how is this a punishment for her then?" I was absolutely speechless. At this point her Dad said "All she did was leave a bowl!" My DP spun round and told him to get out before he "dropped" him. EXH left and kids were crying and upset. DP continued his rant and then began to act like nothing had happened. I then took kids to EXH as they were actually due to stay there the night anyway.
DP has now said EXH cannot come into the house, he is to wait at the door to get the kids etc. I've said I disagree because it's not fair on the kids that he couldn't control his temper. Why should they suffer? He's then said he will go out when EXH is coming round but will be taking our child as he isn't allowed around him. I've pointed out that EXH does a lot for the kids and also for the two of us and I don't see what he actually did wrong? I also explained that he is her Dad and therefore he gets a say!
Just to add, I don't particularly like EXH being here as much as he is and I've asked my DP not to invite him for dinner etc but he does anyway. However the circumstances surrounding his now "banning" from the house are what I have the issue with and that my children have to adapt again because a fully grown man can't behave like an adult. If the kids ever behave in a violent way or argue he's the first to jump in and dish out the consequences. It's the double standards thing that gets me and the fact he's supposed to be a role model!
He believes he's been reasonable by saying he will go out when EXH comes round but that impacts on my baby so I'm torn between my kids. Another child has a birthday coming up and is so upset she can't be with her 3 "parents" altogether. Why can't he just set his temper aside for the sake of the children? He accepts he did wrong but said it isn't all on him as DD left the bowl in the first place and EXH shouldn't have stuck his nose in, or at the least should have tried to disagree with him the day before.
Am I really in the wrong? Please be honest.