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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is at fault?

48 replies

myheartandmyhead · 17/02/2022 19:26

Hi, I've name changed for this post.

I have a partner and children, only 1 child is his. We've been together for a few years but I've known him much longer. For background things are amicable with older kids dad and he comes for tea, Sunday dinner and pops in between him having the kids (usually when he's been working a few days straight so not had much time to see them). We always said he would spend birthdays/Christmas with us so the kids had the best of both worlds and this is how it's always been.

DP is an angry person and grouped with the fact he is off work due to an injury and now awaiting treatment and an operation for this he is depressed. He can't get out much either due to his illness so is experiencing "cabin fever".

He is quite the authoritarian and always the stricter of the two of us which at times has affected our relationship. However I believed we had worked through this and found a compromise.

Recently I was speaking with my DD (13) about her behaviour towards younger siblings and explaining that it seemed strange that she was never at fault. She got upset and walked off in a strop. I went after her and said that it was unacceptable to walk away when DP then marched in behind me and demanded her phone. He then said she had lost it for a week. I disagreed on the grounds that I was dealing with her and his own input was not required. I also said consequences were to be discussed and agreed rather than dictated which is what we agreed when we fell out over the kids.

The same day younger DD (6) had left a bowl she had been using for her sweets in the playroom, no one owned up to it but it came out it was her when I was out of the house. I wasn't told of this when I got home either. Her dad was at the house and he was aware apparently. DP had said she had to eat all food at the table.

The following day we were having a gathering for DD (6) birthday. I ordered a takeaway and when it was delivered the kids were all awaiting theirs and DP said "She's eating hers at the table." I was shocked especially as it was her celebration and she had already been eating all other food at the table. Her dad got up and followed us into the kitchen to sit with her and the other children chose to stay and sit with her. DP came in and questioned why other kids were also at the table. I explained it was their choice and his reply was "Well how is this a punishment for her then?" I was absolutely speechless. At this point her Dad said "All she did was leave a bowl!" My DP spun round and told him to get out before he "dropped" him. EXH left and kids were crying and upset. DP continued his rant and then began to act like nothing had happened. I then took kids to EXH as they were actually due to stay there the night anyway.

DP has now said EXH cannot come into the house, he is to wait at the door to get the kids etc. I've said I disagree because it's not fair on the kids that he couldn't control his temper. Why should they suffer? He's then said he will go out when EXH is coming round but will be taking our child as he isn't allowed around him. I've pointed out that EXH does a lot for the kids and also for the two of us and I don't see what he actually did wrong? I also explained that he is her Dad and therefore he gets a say!

Just to add, I don't particularly like EXH being here as much as he is and I've asked my DP not to invite him for dinner etc but he does anyway. However the circumstances surrounding his now "banning" from the house are what I have the issue with and that my children have to adapt again because a fully grown man can't behave like an adult. If the kids ever behave in a violent way or argue he's the first to jump in and dish out the consequences. It's the double standards thing that gets me and the fact he's supposed to be a role model!

He believes he's been reasonable by saying he will go out when EXH comes round but that impacts on my baby so I'm torn between my kids. Another child has a birthday coming up and is so upset she can't be with her 3 "parents" altogether. Why can't he just set his temper aside for the sake of the children? He accepts he did wrong but said it isn't all on him as DD left the bowl in the first place and EXH shouldn't have stuck his nose in, or at the least should have tried to disagree with him the day before.

Am I really in the wrong? Please be honest.

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 17/02/2022 20:53

Your poor children
I feel so sorry for them

Teddeh · 17/02/2022 20:54

I can’t make heads nor tails of the rules in your house, and I’m a lot older than 13.

Your partner seems to insist on his own way all the time rather than acting like a partner (and co-parent). Why can he invite your ex for dinner when you've said no, but he can also ban your ex from the house when you and the children want him there? Why is he interrupting your conversation with your daughter to impose a punishment he hasn't discussed with you? Does she even know what she's being punished for - treatment of her siblings, saying she's not at fault, getting angry and walking away?

I also said consequences were to be discussed and agreed rather than dictated which is what we agreed when we fell out over the kids : so he's previously agreed to a more common sense approach. Hold him accountable for sticking to that. He's an ADULT. He can have a conversation and make and stick to a compromise without venting and ranting in front of the children.

The stuff about the 6yo makes no sense. She's in trouble for leaving a bowl in the playroom, and she's supposed to eat at the table (fair enough) .... but eating at the table is a punishment for leaving the bowl, and the other children CAN'T eat at the table? How is anyone supposed to know where they're allowed to eat when? How can a child know what to expect when you're celebrating her birthday and punishing her for something random at the same time? You've said that YOU don't understand his logic or feel that it's fair; how can a 6yo process it?

You know who's at fault here. Stop letting him bully everyone, and stop excusing him.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 17/02/2022 20:59

Your whole family dynamic is screwed up he lives there ex does not and should not be there all the time sound like your parenting styles don't match and you are too soft and him too hard sound like he finally flipped at be undermined for days I also think any punishments should have been held off for the child's birthday and continued after and it was not the fact they left a bowl lying around it was not admitting it was there's

sadpapercourtesan · 17/02/2022 21:04

I hope you're OK, OP . None of this can be easy to read, and you're probably worn down by living with a bully who makes you question your own judgement all the time.

I hope you can find the strength to get out of this horrible relationship and make a happier life for yourself and your kids.

ThackeryBinks · 17/02/2022 21:14

I think you might be living in the fog of an abusive relationship. I'm not judging you because I've been there myself. Your DP was punishing a 6 year old child on her birthday for leaving a bowl in a room. That tells you everything you need to know. You are so busy walking on eggshells the enormity of that has passed you by.

Original poster

myheartandmyhead · 18/02/2022 09:31

I just wanted to thank all of you who took the time to post a constructive reply. To those who thought it was ok to to berate me as a mother - I hope to god you never find yourselves in my situation where you feel there's no way out. This post was an outline of an incident and doesn't provide you with much more information about my circumstances.

To those who think my household sounds like a hellhole - my children are very much loved and well cared for. No family is perfect but believe it or not the "blended family" thing was done with their very best interests at heart and has worked well for a number of years. I have never expected either of them to go along with anything. All of this was discussed and agreed by the three adults from the beginning. My children have been very happy with the situation up to now and school have actually praised us on how well this has enabled the children to cope with the big change in their lives, also commenting on how unaffected the children are. This also extends to friends and family.

There are different parenting styles - I am not the soft one EXH is the soft one, DP is the strict one and I'm the balanced one. I believe in children making mistakes, learning how to fix them and moving on. However at times I do believe consequences are needed. I just don't feel that things like leaving a bowl require a consequence. I believe that children need to make right and wrong choices to learn and guidance to help them along the way. I believe in talking and not shouting and throwing out consequences for nothing. Consequences should be logical and suit the situation and only used as a last resort.

Once again thank you to those who gave constructive replies and food for thought. I am fully re-evaluating my circumstances, my and DP are not together and I will be agreeing more boundaries with EXH.

OP posts:

Momijin · 18/02/2022 09:51

Hi lovely. You can't have your children scared of leaving a bowl out. All kids leave stuff out and it is normal to have to repeatedly tell them.

You can't live in a house where you're scared of your partner's overreaction because it will mean that you all start walking on eggshells and rebelling. And parenting teenagers is hard anyway - you don't want that added stress.

FabalaThropp · 18/02/2022 10:02

My mum's partners were all like this man. They were aggressive bullies who had deep issues that could not be addressed without years if therapy and work (which of course they weren't capable of doing). You need to be realistic. Basically, this is who he is. Are you going to be able to live with that long term? If the answer is "yes" that is your choice.

FabalaThropp · 18/02/2022 10:03

Ps. Just seen post above - sounds like the issue is being resolved

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 10:04

I think it's lovely that you're amicable with your ex and he's around a lot for the kids. If others are threatened by that then that is their problem. I'm glad you and 'DP' have split - why would you want to be with someone you describe yourself as an angry person? That's not nice for anyone. It seems he just wants to punish and control - not nice for the kids at all. I think things will be a lot easier and less stressful for everyone now DP is no longer around.

Original poster

myheartandmyhead · 18/02/2022 10:06

@Momijin

Hi lovely. You can't have your children scared of leaving a bowl out. All kids leave stuff out and it is normal to have to repeatedly tell them.

I know, the little stuff like that doesn't bother me. He expects to only have to tell them once and after that he will turn to consequences. It's like he just doesn't get children at all. He thinks it's just mine who act like this despite me telling him that really is not the case.

I already walk round on eggshells and this is why we sat and talked about it. We agreed that from now on unless it was clear a consequence was required (for example hitting another would result in a trip to time out) then consequences would need to be discussed and agreed. I do believe he should have had a say but I will not be dictated to which is what was happening before.

OP posts:

TuscanApothecary · 18/02/2022 10:43

Honestly OP I was so happy when I kicked my stb divorced ex out and didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore with his unrealistic expectations of my dc. He always had a thing about my ds room. I literally could not give a flying fuck about a 14yr olds room, if that's the worst thing you've got to complain about with a teenager then you have no idea. That's not to say I didn't nag my son to open his windows and clean, but it really bothered stb divorced h. I think some men don't feel safe unless they're in control and your P sounds similar.

Original poster

myheartandmyhead · 18/02/2022 10:56

@TuscanApothecary

Don't get me wrong it annoys me when Dd13 leaves glasses and cans of pop lying around as it's usually in prime place where the baby can get them and then it's dangerous so I do "tell her off" but I don't feel the need to punish her for it. I just remind her to tidy up after herself and think about the potential dangers to the younger kids. I expect them to tidy up after themselves of course but wouldn't punish them for not doing so. There's been a few times when they have trashed their playroom and then cried because they've stood on a toy that's broken - no consequence needed as I just remind them that had they tidied up before playing with anything else this toy may not be broken and that they should look after their toys.

OP posts:

TuscanApothecary · 18/02/2022 11:21

It's like they expect them to be perfect and never have to be told twice, when in reality dc need reminding. There's a middle ground, sounds like you know the middle ground and your P needs to stop being a sad sack and get over himself.

SUPerSaver721 · 18/02/2022 16:11

If I was you I would kick my partner out and just be a single parent. It would be best for all your children. Your children by your ex would be alot happier and you can parent the way you wish to parent and not have to walk on egg shells all the time. Parents should put their children first and think of them before moving new men in.

lisaandalan · 18/02/2022 23:23

I think you should leave him and if I were your ex I would not let my kids live with you until you'd left him.
The cunts a control freak and thinks the kids are in the army.
Please leave him for your childrens sake. X

lisaandalan · 18/02/2022 23:24

Children *

IheartJKRowling · 19/02/2022 00:03

Your poor children. Your "DP" is a pathetic bully, stop letting him ruin your children's lives. Whose house is it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 00:04

He threatened to be violent to the father of your other child, in front of the children, at a six year olds birthday party. You don't seem as disturbed by that as most people would which makes me think you're desensitised to how horrible he is because it's not out of character at all.

He is, in your words, "an angry person."

Your poor kids living in such a tense household. It's damaging that their blueprint for relationship dynamics is this one that they live with. They're more likely to recreate the dynamic themselves as adults the longer you stay.

And if your DD is 13 then the most challenging years in many ways are imminent. I wouldn't want "an angry person" who threatens violence around kids to be living with me and a teenager because it's normal for teenagers to be pains in the arses sometimes and not obey rules etc. Your partners reactions won't be normal. They'll be disproportionate and damaging.

haikyew · 19/02/2022 02:47

You are willingly
Exposing your kids to an
Abusive bully

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 19/02/2022 03:47

Such a controlling and petty man.

Migrainesbythedozen · 19/02/2022 05:27

@myheartandmyhead

my and DP are not together

So you and DP have split up? I hope so.

You said he is an 'angry person'. Like it's a fact you accept. Why would you want to be with an angry person? Why do you not insists he leave the home (I hope you have if you and him aren't together anymore) and get therapy and doesn't come back into the family unit until he does. Why do you state it as a 'fact', rather than left the moment you discovered he was an angry person? Why didn't you have the self respect to leave the pig?

He sounds like a real angry, violet, narcissistic psycho. He has NO RIGHT to tell you your ex can't come around and your child can't be there. You're the mother. You decide that. I would not want HIM around my children, and I would tell him that HE is the one who is not to be around the children until he gets help. He truly gets off on making children miserable, it's a power trip, and ordering you about, and threatening to drop your ex? Wtf sort of vicious thug of a monster are you with? Why do you let that thug order you and your innocent children about? He truly is a nasty, hateful, violent piece of work, and I would not want him around my children unsupervised. Your exH sounds quite sensible and grounded. Too bad you swapped him for the worthless pos you are with now, you downgraded by the sound of it. I truly hope you and thug pig are no longer together for your sake and your children's sake. He is a scum and I would not tolerate his behaviour for even 5 minutes, let alone live with him. Gather your womanly self respect and dump your partner in the gutter where he belongs. Also only allow supervised visitation with the children.

layladomino · 19/02/2022 08:22

Your partner sounds vile, Op. He is angry and a bully. He enjoys punishing your children (and I use the word enjoy as he punishes them when punishment isn't appropriate or helpful). The way he treated DD at her birthday party is disgusting and I'll bet she'll remember that forever.

I suspect your children would be much happier if they didn't have to live with him.

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