Tell me your cocklodger tales…

[Coffee4685]

I could do with cheering up!

Realised (thanks to mumsnet) that I was dealing with one of these pre-Xmas. Symptoms included:

-using my car and never actually buying his own

-staying at mine four times a week and paying for groceries only, some of which he got totally wrong. He did a fair bit of DIY. He had a home of his own

-asking me to help with everything; from what job he should do to decorating his house to doing errands for him

-refused to buy a washing machine at his place (because bills) and balked when I refused to do his laundry on top of my own

I’m doing the work to figure out why I let this happen in the first place and this particular character is now out of my life (no DC either).

Please can you make me feel better by adding your own cocklodger tales? When did you realise? What have you done since…

I had one for 16 years. I even had to sort his spends out for any holiday. He was very hard to get rid of in the end.

When I look back I think WTF. It won't happen again I know that much. Hope you've got rid of him.

I hadn’t even heard of the term cocklodger when I had one, but that’s exactly what he was!
He lived on benefits due to his ill health while I worked full time, and contributed almost nothing towards household expenses as he had his own house, although he was rarely there. He did some DIY in my house and that apparently covered the cost of all of his meals, showers and most of his laundry! I realised afterwards that he had also stolen small items from me over time. I was so busy working and bringing up two teenagers that I didn’t spot that little things had gone missing until I missed them.
I only got out of the relationship because he died..
If only I’d known about ‘red flags’ back then, I would have avoided getting into any sort of relationship with him in the first place, but I was naive and far too trusting and he was totally charming at first.
I think knowing him has made me very cynical about men in general.. I have since remarried but am now very careful about boundaries.

Took me ten years, one kid and him having an emotional affair for the fog to lift! He was very good at emotional manipulation and making me feel crazy for expecting normal things.

Me wanting him to actually go to work meant I was the same as a gold digger and didn’t care about his mental health. And then when he eventually got fired it was because I “gave him” depression.

That part isn’t funny. What IS funny is that just before he moved out he snapped at me “Once I’m gone you’ll see how much I really do around here!”

Well. I certainly did see. That he did absolutely nothing. My housework load did not change at all, except his shit wasn’t here any more.

Also a while after he had moved out, when he showed up late for visitation with our son because he was “tired and feeling unwell”, he said: “Oh I know you don’t have any sympathy for me”
And I wholeheartedly agreed with him! I don’t! ❤️

These things can end up a very “boiled frog” situation, so don’t blame yourself.

With my ex boyfriend nearly two years, we didn't live together, he didn't have a stable place to live but stayed at mine 3 nights a week, he wouldn't move in with me even though he had an unstable situation, claimed he loved me and wanted to one day but he could never say when, I realised he was just using me and no real intentions. He couldn't drive either so I was dropping him off everywhere.
The only good thing about him was his cock so he was my part time cock lodger 😂 never again.

My ex was a sahd
Let me take over weekends and evenings
Took my money and food money in top
Made me help him with everything
I mean everything
So when he wanted a provisional bus driving license ? Me
College course , me applying
I did all the life admin obvs
Would refuse to attend my friends events
Despite me giving him nearly £2k a month was very tight about stuff
So he’s buy stuff for kids or guise and ask me for money
Always made a big deal about doing thinks like the MOT
Never really tried to make the house nicer
Spent all his time growing weed

I’m sure there’s more

@mycarsnores what sort of stuff did he take?

Mine just happily let me pay for holidays, takeaways etc. There was always a 'woe is me' story which meant I had to pay, despite being a single mum working full time

God there’s so many similarly depressing threads with this type of bloke, isn’t there? The ‘reason’ that’s usually a tale of woe about why they can’t contribute like a decent human, making a big deal about doing anything semi helpful (mine wanted praise for doing the vacuuming unprompted) and thinking that the odd round of DIY magically compensates for the cost of utilities etc. It makes my blood boil!

I had to laugh; the only piece of Mail I got on Valentine’s Day was a Tesco club card statement addressed to him at my address (obvs). Despite him insisting that he didn’t live with me during the time we were together. Although it seemed to suit him to send all the admin he didn’t want to my home addressed for his attention!

I was married to one for 17 plus years. He wouldn't lift a finger to do anything, wouldn't help with our kids anything around the house. Absolutely did fuck all and blamed me for everything. Glad I'm well rid.

TrueBuys - small items that wouldn’t be missed until I came to need them like tools from the garage, tins of paint, books, printer paper. The most valuable was an antique hand mirror.
He was always proposing marriage to me, promising untold wealth when his father died - thankfully I didn’t weaken. All in all he was a total nightmare and obviously preyed on single mothers as I discovered after his death that he had form for this behaviour.. He wasted 7 years of my life.

This wasn't one I was with, by the exH of a friend - serial cheater, bogged down with debt because of money he'd spent "impressing" other women and absolutely nothing ever his fault

When she chucked him out he embarked on some weird financial arrangements but again spent the money needed to pay them off, then dangled "future endowment payouts" to fleece various women he moved in with - one of them was even going to buy a £900k house with him until she found he had nothing

He's now remarried to a woman who already owned a huge house, who was warned but chose not to listen, and she's just added him to the deeds

@puzzledandpissedoff oh my goodness, I do hope the woman who signed over her deeds doesn't end up on a Netflix documentary but it's not sounding good.

I've never had a full on one but there was they guy that would come to my house, eat my food, would expect me to have anything he wanted 'I'll have a packet of crisps' 'I don't have crisps' and would make digs about me eating my own food 'did a mouse eat this?' but when we stayed at his place there would be very little edible food and if I wanted to eat I'd have to go to the shop.

I do hope the woman who signed over her deeds doesn't end up on a Netflix documentary

The thought had occurred to me

Trouble is there's so many of these wretches that they'd have plenty to pick from apart from her

There have been some astonishing examples on here over the years. I'm always amazed at the ones where a man moves into a woman's house and the agreement is that he won't pay anything except the difference between what it cost for her to live there and the cost of him moving in (for bills only - 9/10 he doesn't pay for food).

BIL pays 10% of their total costs, works part time, doesn't do childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc..... Cocklodger of the year!

I’ve got one at the minuet and often search “cock lodger “ posts to see if it will give me a kick up the backside!
He doesn’t work, stays up all night doing god knows what and ends up sleeping in until 1pm. Baring in mind we have two young children I’ve had about 3 lay in’s in the past 6 years and I’m the one who Works!!!
Doesn’t pay for anything apart from abit of food here and there . Does do DIY does cook every evening , this obviously pays his way for doing absolutely F all.🙄apparently he’s very “depressed” despite me losing two family members last year. Oh and to add to the list of “attributes”he smokes weed constantly. What am I doing?! 10 years in and I’m still here!

@Roxstar2909 what’s keeping you stuck?

I had one for a couple of years, I think I felt sorry for him as we were set up on a blind date. He was living in what was practically a squat, he’d sold everything he owned just to survive. He moved in within 3 months, never really worked(did a bit of delivery work), mainly because he had such a bad attitude that he’d get constantly fired. My kids despised him as he was a soulless grump. He constantly messaged his ex’s behind my back. He ended up running off with another woman who lived in a town he aspired to live in, yet another single parent. 🙄 Was the best day of my life!

I have no idea,
I really don’t . Fear of change perhaps, low self confidence, I know it will be a complete drama if I kicked him out he’ll damage things etc. I once was a strong woman and now I feel that I’m a doormat. I don’t want to sound like I’m wallowing In self pity , I just need the balls to take the plunge!

I prevented a cocklodger. Wouldn't let my university bf move into my first flat until he had a job and could contribute towards the bills and rent. He refused to find a job in my area and to my knowledge still lives at home with his parents.

@Roxstar2909

I have no idea, I really don’t . Fear of change perhaps, low self confidence, I know it will be a complete drama if I kicked him out he’ll damage things etc. I once was a strong woman and now I feel that I’m a doormat. I don’t want to sound like I’m wallowing In self pity , I just need the balls to take the plunge!

It sounds like fear of him rather than fear of change . There is help out there . Have you tried contacting Women's Aid ? They can help you with the steps into leaving . You can do this

I’m pleased to say I was only with mine for 6 weeks.
He came onto me on a night out in a nearby town. He knew who I was because I was a PC based in his village. He definitely targeted me. I was 30 and had my own house and car (90’s).
He was 30, unemployed and living with his mother which I think made me a bit cautious but thought he could be going through an unlucky patch so started seeing him. He was a good talker.
He told me that he did mostly bar work but was waiting for his licenses to come through before he could get work. I remember him telling me that he only bought designer makes and blurted out one day, out of the blue, ‘let’s go on holiday!’
He’d suggest takeaways and when it was his turn to buy he bought a single portion to share, emphasising how expensive it was. All these things again made me cautious but I waited. He even asked if he could use my car when he had his own!

He never seemed to do anything in the day, just laze around. He told me I was putting on weight (I was a 8/10)
Then he got a job in a local factory and after work I asked how he’d got on only to be told that it was so boring that he left after two hours. I think that did it for me as, as far as I was concerned a job is a job.
I know I dodged a bullet as I often saw him after that living with young girls in his village, single Mums, until they’d had enough and throw him out.
I then left the area and bumped into him 20 years later in a charity shop where he was buying his designer clothes, he started talking to me, telling me that he was in between jobs, waiting for his licences to come back before he could work! He was a bit unkempt, gained weight and living alone as his Mother had died.
I thought I’d be smug knowing I was right about him but it left me feeling deflated.

@Roxstar2909 I too was with someone I was nervous at how he’d behave when I divorced him. He’d been quite volatile in our marriage.

He was surprisingly ok! I did give him time to find somewhere and even bought him some stuff for his new place 🙄 but it paved the way for a drama free parting. He’s become a far better father now so I think he was probably as unhappy as me but neither of us had the oomph to make the break for far too long.

You can do it 💪🏼

My ex
Had a job when I met him but soon gave it up
Begged for endless money to top his phone up/buy booze/food/rent
I was a single mum,working full time and running myself into the ground
He lost his bedsit so ended up moving In with me,paying fuck all,eating my kids food,running up my bills,having everything done for him as he'd stay up all night playing on the xbox and then he'd sleep In all day-wake up about teatime,back on the xbox
Rinse and repeat
Refused to lift a finger-he wouldn't even come downstairs while I was cooking-he'd just sit upstairs until it was ready
Shamefully I had a baby with him-he never spent a penny on his dc nor helped in anyway (just moaned I wasn't up for sex within a week of having his baby) and when baby was 5 months old he beat me and ran off with my best mate
He did the same to her (what a surprise) and they broke up
He came snivelling back to me a few years later and when the penny dropped that I wasn't going to welcome him back or even give him a pity shag,he fucked off
He's been a missing person for the last 8 years-his family think he's been murdered

I won't be that lucky

I am always fascinated by stories of cocklodgers on MN.

I just don't have the time or energy or spare money to entertain paying for a useless man to adorn my sofa, I'm super impressed with those of you that do!

It's like the ultimate luxury pet.

Someone I worked with had a cocklodger son. He lived with his girlfriend for a decade and had 2 children. She worked whilst he either was on benefits or ‘doing degrees’. Colleague constantly went on about how this GF was ‘only after his money’.
Eventually the GF had enough and chucked him out. Colleague kept going on about now she thought the children weren’t even his and it was just a scheme to keep hold of him and his non existent money.

I’ve had one for 2 years. First of all because his work was gone from Covid, I felt sorry for him but then realised he was using cocaine weekly. I paid for absolutely everything for 18 months because he begged and said he would sort himself out. He works when he feels like it (self employed) and never has any money to pay for his share of the bills. It’s my house so he doesn’t contribute towards the mortgage yet when I suggest he actually goes to work he ridicules me for ‘sitting on my arse all day sending a few emails’ (I WFH 3 days a week and office twice a week) and have a very busy job!
His own mother even admits that he’s a waster but she ends up giving in and gives him money. He doesn’t do a single thing for himself and has never paid a bill in his life.
Its currently midday and I have been working for 4 hours, done three loads of washing, fed and walked the dogs and he’s only just got up and is currently sitting on his phone doing god knows what, I have not emptied the dishwasher in the hope that he might actually do it. Doubtful.
I have to ask him for his minimal share of the bills every single month and it’s always at least 10 days late and he whinges about it, he’s so entitled and feels that he shouldn’t have to pay as I’d be paying the bills even if he wasn’t here.
I actually do not know what I’m doing as I read this all back, I am 46 and childless he is 39 and I guess I don’t want to be alone. I struggle to meet people and have never had a relationship that has lasted for more than two years.
I do realise I need to get rid!