Tell me your cocklodger tales…

[Coffee4685]

I could do with cheering up!

Realised (thanks to mumsnet) that I was dealing with one of these pre-Xmas. Symptoms included:

-using my car and never actually buying his own

-staying at mine four times a week and paying for groceries only, some of which he got totally wrong. He did a fair bit of DIY. He had a home of his own

-asking me to help with everything; from what job he should do to decorating his house to doing errands for him

-refused to buy a washing machine at his place (because bills) and balked when I refused to do his laundry on top of my own

I’m doing the work to figure out why I let this happen in the first place and this particular character is now out of my life (no DC either).

Please can you make me feel better by adding your own cocklodger tales? When did you realise? What have you done since…

he whinges about it, he’s so entitled and feels that he shouldn’t have to pay as I’d be paying the bills even if he wasn’t here.

Well yes, you'd pay the bills and not have to look at a useless lump sat slacked jawed staring into his phone...

Does he truly believe that's a bad thing? The entitlement of the dosser!

I know. I really need to get rid! It’s beyond a joke now. The funny thing is he threatens to go and rent a flat (we live in West London, not cheap!) where a 1 bed would cost him around £1600 plus bills. Of course, this will never happen. I expect he will go back to his parents which is where he was when I met him.

Low and behold, I can hear him unloading the dishwasher! Maybe he’s on here 😂

I was very young, but the first man I lived with was a massive cocklodger. For starters, he tricked me into moving considerably further away from family than I'd agreed. I didn't know this was a red flag. He'd then regularly nick my car on the grounds he 'needed' it for work - twice when I had job interviews, and he deliberately got up early so when I woke up it, and he, were gone. He expected me to do all the cooking/cleaning - one time my mum rang while I was cooking with a very urgent message about my dying grandmother, so I picked up the phone and asked him to keep an eye on dinner. Ten minutes later I heard the sound of sausages literally exploding all over the ceiling as he'd just left them alone. 'My dad rang for a chat,' he explained.

He also used to do this charming thing where he'd drive us somewhere (a shop or a place to eat or wherever) and would grab what he wanted then wait for me to pay. The first time I said no, why don't you get this, they're all things for you he grinned at the bloke on the till and said 'it's my car outside, so you're stuck here if you don't, aren't you?'

He liked to overlap his girlfriends, so unbeknown to me he'd started up with his new woman by the end of our relationship. Just before our tenancy finished I had to go down to my mum to sort out some stuff after my gran had died, and he agreed we'd do the clean-up together on the weekend. Got back, the place was an utter shit tip, and no sign of him as he'd buggered off to his other woman. I had to clean it all to get the deposit back.

On the plus side, a few years ago I was at a wedding for mutual friends, and he was there. We were reminiscing and I mentioned a weekend break I'd had towards the end of the relationship. There was a weird silence and someone said 'but wasn't [Ex's Name] with New Girlfriend then?' And half the people at the table remembered no, he wasn't, he'd definitely been with me and still living together, and the other half (who were more her friends) were adamant that he'd started a relationship with her by then. I swear, I didn't even mean to drop him in it, but I couldn't have done it better if I'd tried.

Please let me get this off my chest.

• one bf: we decided to go away for Easter, book accommodation , rental car. I ended up booking it all (inc expensive Audi) and he said he'll give me money so I sent him my bank details. He NEVER paid me a cent and what's worse is when we went to stock up on food for the whole trip, I said I can pay! I find it sad as I was maybe trying to 'prove' how good it is to be relationship with me (to keep hon or something?!). He turned out to be a gambling addict shudders

• another FWB (not even a bf ffs!): I insisted to take him for dinner on his bday. I paid crazy money- £230 for dinner (we had oysters, expensive champagne etc), then he suggested we get a hotel room (he lived with his MUM so we couldn't go back there). He said we can go halves but he didn't have the card on him and will pay me back.

Yep, he never did. We went to four seasons and had more room service! I was really broke the rest of the month as I spent almost a third of my monthly wage on him. He also just never upgraded me to a gf like I wanted him to.

Wow. Now I'm in a healthy marriage, with a baby- and reading that back makes me shake my head in absolute disbelief. This was about 6 years ago, I was fresh post divorce, probably looking for validation.

I had one once; he was suspiciously THERE whenever I got paid. The only thing he ever bought himself was drugs booze and Caterpillar boots.

I don’t think he ever had a job!!

He also did that thing where he’d get out of paying and citing the ‘expense’ of things. Well… yeah! Stuff costs money!

Sadly I was enjoying his pretty great bod too much to see the truth, and I can’t believe I let him manipulate me into paying all the time! Fortunately I moved away soon after and although I pined for him. 😮

40Something, if you start your own thread you will get more advice on how to get rid of him, but I would just kick him out now, has he got keys to yours.

My first husband, without any discussion whatsoever, resigned from his job the week we got back from our honeymoon and never worked again for the (relatively short) duration of our marriage 🙄

He does! I know I just need to tell him to go, and I will. I’m that done with it! It’s taken me a while to realise what he’s about but at least I’ve come to my senses now. He’s bringing nothing to the table

You can read all about mine on the thread I began a few months ago. Together 13 years, married 5, he's not worked for 11 years and wants to divorce me ASAP but remain living here with me and the children bill-free and job-free. He 'doesn't see himself as a work sort of person'. I, on the other hand, am a 7 days a week working kind of person - I've had to be. He's 8 weeks alcohol free (was an alcoholic) but now games from 8pm till 6am then sleeps 6am till 8pm. I'm having to apply for a court order to flush him out. Fun times.

@40somethingsingle and @user1480097724 How are things now?

My husband had a female version in his ex before we got together. He paid for everything including her hobby and training and she cheated on him within the year of them getting married!! She is now living in another country with another guy, so good luck to him!! DH cannot believe how blind he was to it all...

@Roxstar2909

You are still strong. Cocklodgers are abusive at heart, & abused women are STRONG even when they don't feel it because they have been ground down. Their strength takes the form of deflecting abuse, picking up the slack, maintaining the facade, & protecting & counter-parenting (google it) their DC.

Please contact Womens Aid for support & advice.
And when you are ready, ring your local cop shop, make an appontment with whoever their domestic abuse/coercive control lead is, & tell them everything. Explain that you are scared to tell him to leave because you know how he will react, & that he will damage your property, cause drama, etc. Tell them he is a weed-smoking waster, & ask for them to be present when you finish with him.

Police are getting much better training & awareness about DA. You WILL get help, & you deserve it.

When I was much younger. He would jump out of a taxi when we got somewhere and run off. Take minimal money on nights out then just suddenly say he was spent up and expect me to pay. Sit in restaurants and not offer to pay, or ask me to pay card and he would give me the cash (never did). Demand we go into rounds while he was drinking £3 pints and I was drinking £1 cokes. Say he wanted to do real things with me and go on proper nights out (rather than nights in and takeaways), then expect me to pay when we got there. Would say he was coming to mine and hopes I had the bacon in. I stupidly allowed it to continue for around 3 months as I was enamoured by him. He had zero shame. He knew what he was doing because when I began going cold on him he asked if I would meet him for a drink and added "I have money, I promise".

I didn't live with mine. He told me all about his tragic life and now he'd never had the chance others had. I ended up paying for his food for 9 months. Paying his bills in places. Buying his fags. Supporting him. Then I got not even a card for my birthday. He was verbally abusive and vile to me. After we broke up he ended up homeless and now sofa surfs on an ex addicts sofa. Glad to be away from him..he allowed his life to get this bad all on his own.

When my mum came to stay for a few days he refused to contribute to any food (we were living together) and I'd catch him eating food he'd bought just for himself. Every time he ever stayed at my parents they were more than generous with food and hospitality

He didn't drive and I became his taxi service dropping him off at work - it saved him the bus money, on our wedding anniversary I drove him and his mum to the seaside - a hundred mile return journey so his mum could have a nice day out - I wised up after that and left him!

this is not direct to this post but overall looking at many posts:

I’m fascinated as well! Personally, I think men should do for their women and be something worth keeping. Men are abundant, they fall from the sky. They should prove themselves worthy for ones investment and such. Men aren’t the prize unless they are actually providing value.

Also, I’m fascinated with how kind and loving some of these women are, on the flip side how selfish some are when cocklodgers hurt their own children, how single mothers are targeted because they are weakest to this demographic. Oh! I’m also quite taken with how in England (elsewhere too) so many women are keen to “prove” themselves to be equal partners by taking on the bulk of cost and effort to show their loser males how worthy they are.

I hope women on here will read these stories and level up their expectations because everyone here deserves a partner who at the very least is equal. Single mothers should have partners who do even more. A real man doesn’t take resources from a child. It’s gross.

that all said in my life I’ve been taken for a fool a few times. I am just glad places like these exist to warn women of what to look for.

A guy I was dating would let the check sit uncomfortably on the table. Americans can attest that it’s uncomfortable…. Our culture has driven within us this suffocating need to PAY THE BILL ASAP. It’s like a compulsion…. It’s ….it’s there uncomfortably resting (while the server hopefully peeps for it to be paid) as a reminder that we must clear out and the server must fill the table. Once that check hits the table we are now useless to this whole network of workers and so, the crushing mental clock ticks.

this guy was Irish, moved here as a kid: and went to a fancy school in England for his degrees. He’d just let the check sit. Ignoring my rising discomfort. Then he’d go to use the restroom where I’d then pay the check quickly to not be rude (it’s really rude here, they need to turn tables or end their shift).

he got used to it and kept doing it.

it all came to a head when I found my first very lucrative high paying job. We are talking my first real step into big money. I told him the night before something I couldn’t drink and he said we should celebrate anyway. We went to this nice bar and I had a tonic water and he got himself drinks.

when it was time to go the bartender gave him the bill, he immediately slid over the bill to me while getting up to go to the bathroom. The bartender stopped him and said “hey! I’m going to cover her tonic waters’

he kept walking towards the bathroom.

the bartender told me he was such a dick for that and I shouldn’t ever take that. He said I should just leave him there.

so, I did.

I never saw him again. Later he’d email me about being sorry for taking me for granted but I never replied. I was a big mug, but once I saw it he was dead to me

we all learn our lesson

A very good friend of mine once wanted to move to Manchester. He sold his house and I said he could stay with me whilst he house-hunted.

I charged him no rent, and nothing towards any of the bills (I know, what an idiot).

He called one day to ask if I needed anything from the shop on his way home. I asked for bread, milk and something else really minor. When he got back I asked what I owed him and he actually told me! Something ridiculous like £3.50.

AND he parked his car in my yard and didn't move it after he went to Manchester for 6 months.

Why were his tires still inflated @idrinkandiknowthings ? Doesn’t make scientific sense? Lol

feel you though. I’ve been taken in by my own (somewhat scant) good nature to learn to save my resources for the worthy. These men never end up hobos riding the rails do they? Always a woman to take advantage of, with the woman taking cheap words whilst giving real resources…

Money was tight for him but your money? Easy!

I wonder how many of these cocklodgers are the same person floating from woman to woman, getting the boot when she wises up and on to the next one.

I hope you started marking his mail NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS and re-posting it?

@sueelleker no, but I’m half tempted to return the money I ‘owe’ him in bags of pennies. But I’m better than that.

From a coin jar that my parents gifted us believe it or not. We used it to save for ‘holidays’ that never transpired. It’s sat in my living room and he took offence to how much he contributed to it! Willingly I might add.