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Original poster

Experience of DH going part time?

31 replies

over2021 · 17/02/2022 12:56

Does anyone have any positive stories of their DH working part time whilst you work FT?

I've just got a new job. Very good wage but long commute (1hr 15minutes) so DD (4YO) has a long day in breakfast club/school/after school club. I can't work part time but my hours aren't long- it's a 9-5 job with only very occasional late working but all in the office - no home or hybrid working.

DH can go part time at work- so DD would only need to go to childcare 3 days a week. He seems keen but I'm worried about the dynamic - all our money goes into one pot but I'm worried he'd feel emasculated Blush I think I'm more worried than he is so just seeking positive family tales!

OP posts:
me4real · 17/02/2022 13:07

It sounds like he doesn't feel like he'd feel emasculated, as he's ok with doing it. He would be the one to best know whether he would feel that way, not you.

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me- my dad was like that and that wouldn't be what I want in a man, it'd be a sure fire way of me eventually leaving the relationship to find a man I can respect.

FabianK · 17/02/2022 13:09

@me4real

It sounds like he doesn't feel like he'd feel emasculated, as he's ok with doing it. He would be the one to best know whether he would feel that way, not you.

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me- my dad was like that and that wouldn't be what I want in a man, it'd be a sure fire way of me eventually leaving the relationship to find a man I can respect.

Personally I’m sexist
me4real · 17/02/2022 13:12

Just my personal taste in a man. Call it sexist if you want, doesn't matter what you call it, I'm entitled to my preferences. And I'm sure I'm not alone in not finding a bloke that works less than me a turn on.

Usernameismyname01 · 17/02/2022 13:12

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me- my dad was like that and that wouldn't be what I want in a man, it'd be a sure fire way of me eventually leaving the relationship to find a man I can respect.........Really? Who wouldn't be able to respect a man who put looking after his/your child as a priority rather than putting that child in childcare for long days whilst he sat at work bringing extra money in - Astounding!!!!!

Usernameismyname01 · 17/02/2022 13:13

and he isn't work less than you if he is looking after your child!

minipie · 17/02/2022 13:17

I would love it if DH went part time!

BUT I would expect him to use his non working days to do all the stuff I currently do on non working days - laundry, errands, food shop, cupboard sort outs, organising social life, etc etc. Basically use the time to make our lives better/easier.

If he just has DD pre and post school and puts his feet up in between, I’d be rather miffed.

FinallyHere · 17/02/2022 13:18

Not even trying incase he feels emasculated doesn't make any sense to me.

Why not try it for a year and see how it goes.

Take some time to work through everything that you both do to make sure your handover of tasks covers everything. Treat it seriously as you would at work rather than not trusting him to cover everything g you did.

Remember too that everyone had their own ways of going about things do it may be different to how you do things.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/02/2022 13:20

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me

Wow!

My DH is term time only. Let me tell you, I have heaps of respect for him. School holidays ate totally handled by him while I work, he does an excellent job with the kids and the house.

In fact, I respect him more for taking his family responsibility so seriously.

Nitw1t · 17/02/2022 13:23

DH was made redundant when I was expecting DC1 (2014). I was the breadwinner by some margin (x3 times his salary). I also had a long commute.

I took a short mat leave and he freelanced for a couple of years and then got a PT & WFH job to fit around childcare around the time I went back to work after DC2 (2016).

We managed fine.

He expressed some discomfort about "relying on me" and I felt the discomfort of our family income being "on my shoulders" but that's just adapting to family life I think. We quickly settled into it.

His PT job turned into a FT job around the time the DCs started school (but now we're into covid territory so was a bit bumpy adapting to us both working FT). I've changed jobs. He's always done more of the school runs (he WFH always and I had a long commute).

Money is all one pot, and we got used to that quite quickly.

Nitw1t · 17/02/2022 13:25

@me4real

It sounds like he doesn't feel like he'd feel emasculated, as he's ok with doing it. He would be the one to best know whether he would feel that way, not you.

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me- my dad was like that and that wouldn't be what I want in a man, it'd be a sure fire way of me eventually leaving the relationship to find a man I can respect.

I have massive respect for my DH

He is the ultimate partner, and has supported me through my career path and the DCs through their early years.

PERSONALLY I'm pretty sure that more working hours on the clock wouldn't make him a better partner to me or parent to our DCs.

oadhkand · 17/02/2022 13:29

He's probably cant believe his luck, I'm sure after a few weeks he might see things differently. :D

Original poster
over2021 · 17/02/2022 13:33

@me4real he works much harder than me but we have totally different careers. His job is long hours and physical work, average pay but crap conditions. Mine is office based, 35 hours a week with good holiday. It's a no brainier that if one of us goes part time for a better family life it's him.

He would be happy to continue to work full time but there's really no need and he'll 100% do things like shopping, cleaning etc- he already does the lion's share of this as I'm a messy cow Grin

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 17/02/2022 13:33

I say give it a go.
Make sure he is doing the majority of the housework etc. and not plopping child in front of tv while he sits in his underpants playing xbox.

SarahDarah · 17/02/2022 13:38

@Usernameismyname01

and he isn't work less than you if he is looking after your child!
This .

Women go part time (or stop working outside the home altogether) all the time. It's great he actually wants to spend more time being a hands on parent than leaving child for long hours to be cared for by someone else.

honeylulu · 17/02/2022 14:31

Not the same scenario but when we had our youngest we split the maternity leave so I had 5 months off then went back to work and H took next few months off. It was really great. I loved being back at work but really happy the kids were with their dad. H is quite hands on with cooking, laundry etc so it didn't all get left for me after work! (We both work FT now and split it.)

The most useful thing was him experiencing the mental load of remembering all the stuff to juggle and juggling it. He said incredulously I've day that he thought it would be like annual leave but it was actually really busy and tiring! Yes like I tried to tell you! That was several years ago but he stayed engaged with lots of stuff (uniform, dentistry etc?) for the kids that he'd never thought about before ... because I did all the thinking.

I do have friends though who had a stay at home dad partner or PT working partner where it didn't work out very well. So I have heard tales of the mum coming in and having to cook dinner every night and/or the dad being bored and fed up with the grind of housework and childcare and "needing" lots of alone/hobby time as his reward. But depends on the bloke. You know yours best!

lljkk · 17/02/2022 14:32

Yup, 10 years ago. DH's company shut down & I was desperate to see less of the children so worked as many hours as I could get. He now works maybe 20-25 hrs/week, still runs the household & is much better at being a domestic manager than me.

BillMasen · 17/02/2022 15:02

@me4real

It sounds like he doesn't feel like he'd feel emasculated, as he's ok with doing it. He would be the one to best know whether he would feel that way, not you.

Personally I couldn't respect a man that was working less than me- my dad was like that and that wouldn't be what I want in a man, it'd be a sure fire way of me eventually leaving the relationship to find a man I can respect.

I’d love to know if you believe all the part time mums looking after kids, or stay at home mums are “working less” than their full time partners?
feelsobadfeltsogood · 17/02/2022 15:18

@Usernameismyname01

and he isn't work less than you if he is looking after your child!
Looking after children isn't going to work

We both work 4 days so we only need 2 days childcare it's much cheaper and a better work/life balance but if I did 4 days and he did 3 days I wouldn't mind

CheshireSplat · 17/02/2022 15:21

I'm full time and DH works 3 days a week. He had done for 9 years. He does the cleaning, shopping etc and there are only 3 days a week when we have to negotiate work for both of us with the school run. It's brilliant.

RagzRebooted · 17/02/2022 15:28

DH has been part time for years, self employed. He cooks dinner and does the dishes on my work days and is the main DC taxi driver and did the school runs when it was necessary. Has worked well for us as my job is better paid than his work and is a proper career.

However, he's stopped the business as it wasn't making enough money and is about to retrain and probably work full time. DCs now at secondary so we can manage.

I think he did feel emasculated or lacking in self esteem from not being the breadwinner sometimes and he found meal planning and cooking more stressful than working.

Traumdeuter · 17/02/2022 15:53

Works for us - I’m the higher earner so going part time wasn’t an option. DH does three days a week and looks after DS on the other two days. It makes weekends tricky to fit in enough of a break for each of us, but that’s all - and we’ve figured it out now.

Prior to having a child we had each worked varying hours and shift patterns - we were both four days a week for a while, by choice and then by necessity (voluntary sector organisations with funding problems) so we were used to it.

Hmm at the poster who apparently couldn’t respect a man who works fewer paid hours. Patriarchy’s really done a number on us all, hasn’t it?

Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 15:59

No experience but am contemplating shared parental leave with DP so interested in the responses.

I think it completely depends on what your DH is like as an individual. Will he actually step up and take over what he should do when he's a part-time worker and you're not?

My concern with my own DP is that I'd be working full-time but still be managing most things, so I'd just have extra work on my hands.

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2022 16:05

We did shared parental leave and both DH and I have worked full time and part time at different times.

I have no time for the stupidly sexist idea that men shouldn't work part time. The more men work flexibly, the more it's normalised that family life and domestic life is the responsibility for BOTH parents.

The main thing is that both people communicate expectations and are on the same page.

Traumdeuter · 17/02/2022 16:23

@Glitterygreen

No experience but am contemplating shared parental leave with DP so interested in the responses.

I think it completely depends on what your DH is like as an individual. Will he actually step up and take over what he should do when he's a part-time worker and you're not?

My concern with my own DP is that I'd be working full-time but still be managing most things, so I'd just have extra work on my hands.

Can’t speak for everyone @Glitterygreen but shared parental leave worked for us because we were both prepared to do the non-baby grafting after a day of babycare. After a full day’s work I wanted to cuddle & play with DS; DH needed a break from childcare but was able to escape to the kitchen and do chores, dinner etc whilst I did bath and bed. We still basically do that now - DH will do housework and dinner on the days he looks after DS, and I get to spend as much time as possible with DS on my working days, as I usually start earlier due to not doing the nursery run. On nursery days and weekends we share it a bit more. It’s ended up that neither of us is the default parent, which is exactly what I wanted.
blanketyblanked · 17/02/2022 16:33

It sounds great. Can't believe some of the reverse sexist posts here.