Estranged mother in hospital

[fromagreatheight]

Context: I haven't seen my mother since 2016, we haven't spoken on the phone / online since 2017, and have very sporadic email contact.

The reasons for this are too much to go into –suffice to say that it's a range of mental health issues, a history of childhood abuse, and a lot of ongoing paranoid / narcissistic traits.

What feels most important to say is that I love her, I understand WHY she is the way she is, I'm not angry with her, but I can't have her in my life in any meaningful way.

The current situation:

After no response from her to my emails since June last year, she's just emailed my dad and let him know she's been in hospital after falling off the roof of her house. Broken ribs, knocked out all her top teeth, dislocated shoulder, etc, etc... We don't know when this happened but it sounds as though she's home again after a hospital stay.

Next week she has a big operation to install rods in her face to hold in a set of false top teeth. Sounds like a hefty procedure and she's always been terrified of the dentist (to the point where she never took me as a kid because she couldn't bring herself to go). She's alone –she recently moved to a new country and has no family nearby, and doesn't know many people.

A big part of me thinks I should fly out to be with her for the time around this operation (we live in different countries). Another part of me thinks it would be piling one big emotional event on top of another, and might be too much.

I'm also scared of reopening the Pandora's box of our relationship and turning this into the start of expectations that things will be different from now on, which I have very mixed feelings about. I'm in therapy at the moment and working through this topic, but I can't be sure what I want yet in terms of how our relationship is in the future.

I feel huge compassion for her right now –much as she puts on a brash and independent front, she must be scared and lonely – and an urge to be a 'good daughter' and go to her.And I'm also scared of what that might mean.

Any words of advice, or things to think about?

@fromagreatheight

So, an update...

I sent her a short e-mail letting her know I'd heard about the accident and the operation, that I was thinking of her, and that I hoped if she needed help she would let me know.

"I know things between us aren't ideal at the moment, but it doesn't mean I don't care, or want you to be OK"

That was Friday evening. Apparently yesterday (Saturday) my dad got another e-mail from her which contained some very nasty things about me –so much so he wouldn't tell me what they were –but he wanted to let me know at least at a high level so I wouldn't go zipping out there to support someone who (right now at least) definitely doesn't want anything to do with me.

Heartbreakingly predictable, really shitty, and a massive relief all at once. So there we are.

Also @PurpleHollyhocks just wanted to send you some hugs. Appreciate your honesty and I can very much relate to what you're describing.

She's saved you a trip. Given an opportunity for things to be slightly better between you, she hasn't taken it. Instead she's just shown herself again to be the exact person you know she is.

It's bloody hard to take, but at the same time your relief is completely understandable.

You did a nice thing, and at least you can rest easy that you took that step. Your olive branch was briskly snapped in two. She's only proved that you have taken the right decision to be distant from her.

Well done for trying. I'm so glad you don't have to go.

Be extra kind to yourself now

Just Wow at update. Agree with everything Fantastic says. Must be upsetting to hear of her response, but also validating, completely understandable.

I am sorry OP and am sending you a hug.
I hope you are okay.
You can now stop feeling guilty.
Your e-mail was nice.
It was not received well.
I think you should concentrate on you for now.
Take care XX