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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's no way back from this is there?

36 replies

OriginalM · 17/02/2022 07:30

I know the answer really but I need to hear it from someone as my head all over the place. Please be kind as I'm in bits.
Been with partner 3 years, engaged , was trying for a baby.

Found out on my birthday last year he was messaging someone he used to work with and paid them for their adult videos content on my birthday and when she asked if he was still with me he said no. He also says he wishes he asked her out. This fizzled out when he realised she only wanted his money and he has none.

Next one on his birthday after I had booked a weekend away for us he replies to someone that he isn't engaged when they asked about his status update and he replies a friend hacked into his fb to make him seem more alluring as who would want him.

Next one he planned on meeting a old flame and the usual messages of he wishes things had been different crap and regrets etc
He planned on meeting her on a day he was viewing a house we were thinking of relocating nearer his family hundreds of miles away and he denies that they actually met and she cancelled on him but the intent of him seeing her on a day he was viewing a house we had been offered and I would have uprooted myself and my child hundreds of miles away.

He says a small part of him was going to go with not knowing what would happen but it was about catching up with a old friend who wasn't in a good place.

All of these things he did coincide at significant time periods in our life which hurts even more. Even if I believe he didn't meet up with old flame telling 2 different people he wasn't with someone and paying for adult content on my birthday is just the ultimate disrespect.

There is no going back from this is there really?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/02/2022 07:34

Of course not!

Planetzero1 · 17/02/2022 07:36

nope definitely not.

WTF475878237NC · 17/02/2022 07:37

No!

spotcheck · 17/02/2022 07:37

There's no going back from even one of those incidents.
Did you discover each thing in turn, but then take him back?

This man is not to be trusted

Bananalanacake · 17/02/2022 07:38

No, he is wasting your time. There is no need to live together if your DC isn't his.

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2022 07:41

You should have dumped him after the first incident. There was no coming back from that. I was surprised to read there was more Confused

Have a bit of self respect and dump him.

Original poster
OriginalM · 17/02/2022 07:41

No just found out about all these things together

OP posts:
Original poster
OriginalM · 17/02/2022 07:42

@GreyCarpet

You should have dumped him after the first incident. There was no coming back from that. I was surprised to read there was more Confused

Have a bit of self respect and dump him.

I've only just found out about all these things together.
OP posts:
FurryGrowler · 17/02/2022 07:45

Please get rid.

He isn't going to change.

blackdumpling · 17/02/2022 08:44

He is making a fool of you
He is treating you like an option not a priority
He is saying he wants a future with you but his actions say another
He seems to like the comfort of having you
But lacks basic respect for you
He is behaving as though you are his consolation prize in life
I have been there wanting to forgive the impossible in the name of love
To "fight for your man"
I can guarantee in the future you will regret not having chucked him out on his ear sooner
You will be proud of yourself for cutting off someone who has treated you poorly
You are in shock now, soon the anger will come.
Embrace the anger & let it propel you forward

layladomino · 17/02/2022 08:45

No of course not. Why would you want to? His actions make clear that you can't trust him and that he would cheat on your or up and leave you with little thought.

inheritancetrack · 17/02/2022 08:49

Mentally it's very hard when you have devoted 3 years to this lying bastard and felt you had a future. Starting again is so frightening after so long, but believe me it's better in the long run. I overlooked this type of thing with my ex because of the emotional investment I'd made, but lived to regret it.

Ginger1982 · 17/02/2022 08:50

Get rid and don't even think about getting pregnant.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2022 08:53

Just be thankful you didn't have a child with him. He's cheating now when you're at a great time in your life. God knows what he'd be doing if things went badly.

RightOnTheEdge · 17/02/2022 08:56

No, absolutely not. Why would either of you want to be in this relationship?
Dump him and thank your lucky stars you found out now and not when you had ended up married with kids and stuck hundreds of miles away isolated while he had all his family for support.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 17/02/2022 08:58

I used to work with a man like this and I'm now convinced looking back on the damage he willingly did to so many women that he is insane. He had all the excuses in the world, then smirked about them behind their backs. He could compartmentalise episodes in his life, and people he was supposed to care about, as though he were starring in his own soap opera.

@OriginalM, if you've just found out all this in one hit, then you'll be in shock. It might make you feel a bit unhinged for a while, but please remember this: he is the one who's unhinged, not you.

Walk away. And do not have a baby with this liar and cheat, fgs.

Peachtoiletpaper · 17/02/2022 09:04

No, none of these are forgivable regardless of whether anything happened in the flesh. The point is, he is looking elsewhere, quite committedly. This will culminate in him sleeping with someone else soon enough. You deserve much, much better Flowers

bluejelly · 17/02/2022 09:10

Save your energy and love for someone who deserves it. You have to get rid.
Sorry OP Thanks

KosherDill · 17/02/2022 09:10

God, get rid. Why would you want such a low specimen as the father of your child?? Think of the prospective child if not yourself, and hold out for a far better man.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/02/2022 09:12

Wow, he’s gross and an idiot. What a combo.

Why would you stay with that? Hitch your wagon to someone so substandard? Nope.

Original poster
OriginalM · 17/02/2022 09:12

I'm not thinking of getting pregnant or married at all now just to clarify. I have only just found out about all these things that he has done over the past 3 years.

I just don't understand at all why even on his birthday weekend when we were happy or so I thought he told someone he wasn't engaged. It's just making me question everything

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 17/02/2022 09:14

Sorry if this is hard to hear but he doesn't love you or respect you. His actions have made that very clear. You deserve someone that thinks you are the absolute bee's knees, not always looking for other options. He is a dog. Take control here and don't allow him to sh*t all over you x

Original poster
OriginalM · 17/02/2022 09:14

Thank you everyone for your replies I have been awake for 2 days and just feel so sick to the stomach but getting it out helps as I've not told my family or friends yet

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 17/02/2022 09:16

Just in case you haven't met any of them yet....there really are nice decent guys out there. With good values and morals that treat their partners well! Don't settle for anything less xx

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 17/02/2022 09:21

Don't try and understand him, OP. He's unhinged. There's no understanding to be had with men like this.