Relationship Money

[KSB26]

Just looking for opinions please… so I’ve been with my partner for 4 1/2 years, we both have our own houses and still haven’t made the step to commit fully / move in together. I have a child at home with me, he has a child he sees alternate weekends.
So he’s been working out of the country since end of last summer and earning quite a substantial amount of money.. he came back for Christmas and as he’s let his house out he then stayed with me for the 6 weeks or so he was home plus with his child. He helped out by paying for food shopping and also towards my youngest child’s Christmas presents.
I work but live month by month so never have spare money each month. He went back for another few months and I’m struggling a bit financially - so my question is would you expect - given the length of our relationship etc - he could or even should offer to help me out a bit / every now and then financially?? Before he went he said he’d send me X amount of money but it never happened.. he then said if we were living together then he would… i don’t mean money to live off / rely on but given how he knows I struggle and I’m now on my own and plus how rubbish it is holding on in this long distance relationship should he be helping me out financially? I don’t mean that to sound like he should pay me to sit and wait, but I’m left thinking what an I going through this all for with there being no big commitment.. It’s difficult to word but I feel given he’s earning a lot of money, he knows I struggle and in all the time he’s been away he’s never once said here’s some dollar go treat yourself or asked if I’m ok for money.

I think what also brought this on was he wants me to post some things out to him - I said he might need to send me the money as I’ve no spare cash and he said “I’ll send you the fiver it won’t be much more”… I felt quite insulted but I literally have no spare cash either so would have to embarrassingly ask for the £5 to pay the postage 😩 I just feel a bit confused and wondering if I’m wrong for even expecting or hoping he might help me out. I’m just confused and probably miserable sat here in my own wondering what for.
Thanks
Ps I’m new so please be kind

It is tricky isn’t it when one person is so much better off than the other.

FWIW my ex was on six figures and I was on minimum wage and tax credits. He would send me some money each month to help me out and also bring food/buy takeaways etc when he was here.

After 4.5 years I think it’s the least he should be doing if he wants you to see him as a partner not just a casual boyfriend, but I’m sure others will be along who wonder why he owes you anything as you don’t live together. Unfortunately it’s not always that simple when you have kids and jobs that keep you apart.

He sounds stingy and uncaring. How did 'I'll send you x amount' become 'I'd send you money if we were living together' ? Sounds like he was living together with you, when he moved in for 6 weeks, when it suited him! And as for sending you a fiver...!!

I understand you haven't merged finances, however, you have a committed relationship in that he stays with you for extended periods and probably will if he needs to come back again to see his dc. You'd expect him to care that you're struggling financially, but he really doesn't. It's time to reevaluate this relationship, and don't let him stay over with you next time! He can rent out an air b and b or find another mug to stay with.

So he and his child lived with you for 6 weeks and he gave you nothing towards your bills?

No, I don't think he is obligated to pay you money
You don't live together
When he stayed with you for 6 weeks he did pay food costs & your kid's Xmas present
You say "i don’t mean money to live off / rely on"
But it sounds like that is kind of what you want in reality
For him to give you money occasionally to help you get by
If the roles were reversed & it was a male seeking money from their female partner
When they didn't live together & not even in the same country
The advice would likely be that they were being financially exploited
You are not entitled to your boyfriend's money when you don't live together or share children
If he starts sending money now, that sets a precedent
That he should send you money whenever you're in a tight spot
To me this kind of attitude is entitled & grabby
I understand it must be tough to struggle, have been there
But you can't expect others to bail you out
Just because they make more money than you do
IMO

Op if the money is not for living expenses then what do you need it for? Why are you now struggling financially? Have there been a change in circumstances?

I think because you don't live together or share children then no he is not obligated to give you money. Now if you want to ask to help you that is up to you but expecting him to offer is silly. You don't ask you don't get.

When he stayed with you he paid for the food shopping and contributed to your sons gifts so his being there did not cost you anything extra?

Now the long distance thing and lack of forward progression is a different matter, if you are unhappy about this then absolutely think carefully about continuing this relationship

How does he see his child EOW if he’s out of the country? And if he comes back EOW where is he living?

No, I don't think he should be sending you any money.

I think he should be paying for treats he wants / places he wants to go that you can't afford but I think it's actually quite entitled of you to think he should give you some sort of allowance when you don't live together / share any children.

I've been in the position of being the higher-earning and I felt the other person started to rely on me rather than trying to better their position.

I wouldn't do it again.

I think if he's away in the oil rigs or something it'd be decent of him to send you a few quid.
Hes under no obligation to, but I don't understand the mentality of watching someone you love struggle whilst you have more than enough. Presumably he's doing quite well if he's rented his house out, minimal outgoings.

Is he looking to stay with you on his next leave? Does his post go to your house?

How much do you think he paid out in the weeks he was staying with you? Did you spend any more than you normally would during that time as a result of his stay? Did he save money by staying with you and not elsewhere? I don't think he should be subsidising you when he's not in the country if you don't live together/have joint finances however if he saved money in that 6 weeks then it was at your expense either in monetary or any other ways then you should be entitled to half of what he saved.

No, he shouldn't send you money when he doesn't live with you. When he did stay with you, he chipped in. He's not at fault for you now having spare cash, so why should he have to pick up the shortfall?

No he doesn't owe you anything. It sounds quite entitled to think that he should be offering just because you have been together 4 years or more.

If he was living with you, causing extra expense etc.. then I would expect to be having a conversation about sharing costs (bills, food etc...) but it's not his job to top up your 'living costs'

No, he doesn't have to help you out financially- apart from when he is there.

Does your child's father contribute?

Separate issue.... If you feel that the relationship isn't going anywhere, just end it

I don’t think he should be sending you money either. If you were going out together on a night out he should treat you more as he is the higher earner or if he was staying at yours, he could get the food or a takeaway, so gestures more than subsidising you.

Before he went he said he’d send me X amount of money but it never happened

What's behind this? Why did he say that and then not do it?

I think he's not obligated to send you money, but in his position I probably would have tried to instigate a discussion about the imbalance, here, to make sure you were both on the same page and feeling ok about it.

Have you talked about it at all? It's a significant thing in a relationship when you have differing amounts of money. If the issue hasn't been discussed at any point in the years you've been together, I'd question how close you are, to be honest.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

I dunno 🤷‍♀️ My oh would/has helped me out loads in similar circumstances.
We’re a team, with plans to spend the rest of our lives together and he’s happy to share with me. It’s not all one sided though, I provide a service for his business that he used to pay for (and I do it for free obvs). It doesn’t cover how much he pays for or gives me, but it works for us! I feel no guilt 🤣

OP-- he's a part time cock lodger. This makes me so angry on your behalf! No, I don't think that he should be sending you an allowance but it's his attitude, you've done him a massive favour by letting him stay with you when his own place was rented out and he repays you by taking you for granted..? what made my blood boil is suggesting that posting something is 'only a fiver' as he puts no value on your time to pack things up, stand in the queue, etc. I'd be turning the tables on him, don't call or message or go out of your way to help him, and see if he values you enough to have the difficult discussion about where your relationship is going.

You're not any worse off than you would be if you separated or if he wasn't working away and you were still leaving separately so I don't understand why you think he should give you anything.

He was generous contributing to your child's Christmas presents imo.

I don't think relationship length is relevant if you haven't lived together.

No he doesn't need to send you money.
You don't live together.
He presumably pays CS for his DC.
He'll have his own outgoings to cover.
The money he earns is his not yours.
He should help you out as he did when he stayed for the 6 weeks but he owes you nothing, doesn't matter how much more he earns, he earnt it.
If he wants something sending he pays, simple.

I think that he could have helped you out a bit more than just paying for his share while he was living with you for those 6 weeks. He was only able to rent his house out because he was staying with you, he must have made a fair bit of money thanks to that. Why should you not also benefit from that?

No he shouldn’t be sending you money.
He should make a fair contribution when staying - its impossible to say if he did, but food is a large part of budgets, so quite likely he didn’t as he paid for that, especially as it sounds like it was Xmas food too. Also depends what paying towards Xmas presents means. That could be £20 or £200 🤷🏻‍♀️

The comment about being paid because you have to accept a long distance set up made me laugh, because I literally was thinking that as I read the sentence before!

I’m the higher earner. Married and living together now, but before that I’d always pay for holidays, meals out, that sort of thing. No way would I have ever sent an actual monthly allowance to a grown adult partner.

Where is the relationship going?

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else?

He isn't committed to you, is that what you want?

If he hadn't stayed with you for 6 weeks where would he have gone? It sounds like he's using you tbh.

But also he doesn't owe you anything.

If you want a proper relationship with a shared life you need to find someone else.

He's not obliged to, but what sort of tosser would see someone they care about struggling?
He sounds like he's way too selfish to make a good partner.

@KSB26

I'm sorry you are struggling OP and maybe it might be nice if your partner to help you financially financially occasionally.

However, it might be better if you could see if you could improve your own finances if at all possible?

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I think the comment about the postage money was really off. However, I don’t think he should be obliged to send you money while he’s working abroad to help you out.

That being said, if I were dating someone with such a huge discrepancy in our incomes i’d probably offer to send a little each month, or send a gift card or something so they could treat themselves. I’d probably not enjoy feeling like it was an expectation though.

Is he generous and pays his fair share plus treating you when you are together in person - like dates out, things like that? For me, that would be more of an indicator whether I felt someone was a bit stingy or not. But it would also come down to other factors - like is he generous with his time and affection, supportive emotionally, likes to do little things to show he cares?

I’ve got less money than my partner and he often contributes a little above what I think is fair when I do my food shop because he eats at mine a lot (we’ve had good natured fights at the till as he puts the expensive items through to pay and I surreptitiously move some back!), but he sees it as fair because I do cook him lovely meals (I like to cook) and he is generous with everything else.

So - I guess what i’m saying is, while I don’t feel this man ought to feel he needs to send you money, it’s also important to consider how generous he is as a person overall, not just financially.

You have separate finances (and not really any solid commitment such as shared house/shared children etc) so I really don't think he should pay you some kind of living allowance, just because you're in a relationship.

He should, of course, contribute fairly to living expenses when he is staying with you - it sounds as though he does? And obviously it would be nice if he made occasional generous gestures - paying for days out or nice birthday gifts etc.

But the idea that one should be entitled to a monetary allowance just because they are in a relationship with someone is odd and slightly uncomfortable tbh.

You need to concentrate on managing your earnings and expenditure so that you can support yourself, and not look to someone else to bail you out.