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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Strange behaviour… Ex wants key to new front door locks?!

33 replies

Hedgehog2254 · 17/02/2022 00:22

Hi all..

I am curious more than anything else and would like to know what others think. My ex husband and I split up last August. Things were bad at first, but now we get along just fine and our DC sees him regularly. He now has a new rented flat. The flat I live in is council, and recently they came to put a new front door in, of course meaning I have a new door key. Today when speaking to my ex about him seeing DC tomorrow, he said casually oh you could give me a spare key and I can bring her home (we were talking about timings, if I’m out) I said no I’ll get her from you if she wants to be indoors rather than out.

I found it very strange. He didn’t take his keys for here with him when we split up. But now I’m wondering if he somehow managed to have a set and just liked knowing he had them or something. And now the door is changed, he suddenly asks for a key in the most casual and subtle way, even though we have split up. I’m absolutely not being paranoid, I’m just so curious because I find it so odd that he would ask.

May I add that he has no legal right to the home so I have no obligation to give him a key. The changing of the door/lock had nothing to do with our relationship, it was just something the council did

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/02/2022 00:24

Absolute do not give him any keys!

CF!

I bet he’s been letting himself in while you’re out.

boredsolicitor · 17/02/2022 00:38

Weird !! Agree with previous poster- do not give them to him . So odd that he thinks this is ok

DramaAlpaca · 17/02/2022 00:42

No. That's not OK. Don't give him a key.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2022 00:44

Red flag alert. Make absolute certain he never gets his hands on your key. I would get a security system if I were you, with cameras.

Clymene · 17/02/2022 00:45

He had a key to your old front door. Creepy fucker

SiobhanSharpe · 17/02/2022 00:48

Yes, he definitely hung onto a key.... not nice.

alexdgr8 · 17/02/2022 00:48

it doesn't make sense anyway, his excuse.
how old is your daughter.
does he propose letting her in and leaving her there alone.
if you're in, you can open the door to them.
if not, he's too early. simples.

Mydogdave · 17/02/2022 00:49

Do not give him keys… Change the locks again and then again. Then ask him for a key for his place. That’ll go down well 👍

Justleaveitblankthen · 17/02/2022 00:51

Wow! He's been in your home when you aren't there! He's been spying on you.Sad
If it was me, I would be looking around to check for hidden cameras ( but then I amparanoid )

AiryFairyLights · 17/02/2022 00:59

Am I the only one thinking maybe you’re reading too much into this?
It sounds like you had both been talking and there was a possibility you wouldn’t be home so he made the suggestion - was he fine when you said no you’d collect her from him? Was he expecting you to give him the spare key for keeps?
I dunno, maybe I’m missing something 😂

Original poster
Hedgehog2254 · 17/02/2022 01:04

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve now remembered that on two occasions, I’ve come home from my daughters swimming club and the living room lights have been off when I know I know I left them on, and another time I came home from work and the living room door was not closed (I always keep it closed when out because I don’t want the cats in there) I’m very strategic when it comes to things like this and my routine, so these wouldn’t have been things I’ve accidentally done. So yes I do believe he’s been in here when I’ve been out. Creeps me tf out! I would definitely not give him any new keys. I’ve looked around for cameras or anything out of the ordinary but can’t see anything. I’ll definitely be looking into getting a security system!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog2254 · 17/02/2022 01:11

Airyfairylights I get what you mean… at first I thought it was just a bit odd, that’s it but when I thought more about it, it seemed a bit fishy. I just find it odd that he has a house for her to go to which is a 5 min walk from my house so it’s not about convenience or anything, and it just seems so coincidental that he suggests having the key just a few days after I get new keys.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 17/02/2022 01:16

Do not ever give him a key. How dare he even ask. That is your private space and he just wants to snoop around. Maybe he did have a key before. He is crossing boundaries and he knows he as he is still trying to have control over your life.

UserWithNoUserName · 17/02/2022 01:19

Maybe he had a key before, but if he did he can't let himself in now, so it doesn't matter now.
Don't give him a key. He has no need for one. If you are not in, he can take your dd elsewhere while he waits.

GrandmasCat · 17/02/2022 01:20

My ex definitively came into the house and extracted things while I was not in, I caught him with the house full even with the contents of the fridge a day I came home earlier after telling him I was going to be away for the weekend (I couldn’t change the locks as the house was also his and still under court dispute).

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is coming in and checking there are no signs of “visitors”. Don’t give him the keys.

TibetanTerrah · 17/02/2022 01:21

This would unsettle me too. I'm not one for dramatics but especially with your updates I'd be thinking the nicey nicey getting along was just an act while he snoops on you.

Not the same thing but I lived in a flat for a year, at the end of the year we realised the landlord had been letting himself in to have a poke around whenever he wanted. The first indication was two weeks before the end of the tenancy, he let slip that he knew we hadnt defrosted the freezer yet! When we looked back on other conversations with him it was clear he knew things that he shouldn't. Sometimes it's a power thing, was he controlling when you were together? Or is he checking for evidence that you're seeing someone new?

Honestly, the Jekyll and Hyde difference between you two getting on now and finding this out would really worry me. You can get a ring doorbell pretty cheaply, or if you want to me a bit more covert (my preference tbh), you can get a couple of very cheap indoor cameras, one facing indoors and one on a corner of a windowsill facing out, that can't be seen unless you know where to look.

Mydogdave · 17/02/2022 01:26

Listen to your instincts hedgehog. Set a bear trap behind your front door next time you go out with your child 😂 why else could he possibly be there yuck men

alexdgr8 · 17/02/2022 01:28

he may have left listening devices.
if i were you, i'd pay for a tech expert to do a complete sweep.
it's worth it for peace of mind.
and then get your own cameras installed.
and don't tell the child. she might let slip, you don't want him to know.
good luck.

Original poster
Hedgehog2254 · 17/02/2022 01:41

Yes this has definitely made me question the relationship we have, as in we have been getting on very well. I’ll definitely be keeping him at more of a distance from now on. Towards the end of our marriage he was sneaking around a lot and he wasn’t very nice to me (and that’s putting it lightly) I put up with a lot of s* from him, but I’m not one for holding grudges and I left the past where it belongs - in the past. So I think he definitely is capable of doing something like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog2254 · 17/02/2022 01:49

Thank you all for your replies and advice I’m very grateful. Glad to know it’s not just me thinking he’s been up to something!

OP posts:
Flickflak · 17/02/2022 02:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2022 02:49

You can get bug sweepers from amazon. Creepy weirdo. Him not you.

Memyselfandfood · 17/02/2022 02:55

Id be getting someone to check he hasnt planted anything in the house.

custardbear · 17/02/2022 03:57

Change the Wi-Fi code in case he's set anything up that uses your Wi-Fi. Insert a ring doorbell, or camera for security
Good luck - sounds very fishy

alexdgr8 · 17/02/2022 04:11

@Flickflak

Honestly I’d want the place checked for recording devices. He sounds like a creep. Unfortunately this probably means not giving your daughter a key when she’s older, in case he guilts her into giving it to him so he can copy it.
he'd just take it out of her pocket when she's distracted. don't take any chances.
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