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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One thing at the start

53 replies

fallgriefsmum · 16/02/2022 22:29

I have nc for this.

I just need some support. I have been married over a decade, two kids. Things now are very bad and I am considering leaving. What never comes up in current conversations is something that is really important, and I haven't even told my friends or family.

There was something very traumatic at the start of the marriage that I don't think I've been able to recover from. I had a miscarriage and was very up and down emotionally and he hit me. Then, when I was frightened, he stopped me from leaving, and I had to call the police. He talked his way out of it, and there were no repercussions. He has never liked to speak of it since.

I have never recovered, though. I was never able to tell anyone about the miscarriage as it was tied up with this, and I have never been able to overcome the feeling of fear, and what he did. We've gone on, and I totally buried it. However I think this is what ruined my marriage from the start (and he has carried on with versions nothing quite as bad as this initial behaviour).

I suppose my question is, do you think it's understandable that this initial event over a decade ago could still be a present reason to end things, and to make me feel so awful inside? I feel like, being honest, it is the reason. I just want to know what you think. Lots of friends are sympathetic I am in marriage difficulty, but I don't think they understand this isn't a standard 'falling apart' and so on. I feel shaky just typing this out.

OP posts:
Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 16/02/2022 22:39

And also I'd love to know if anyone has experienced anything like this

OP posts:
longtompot · 16/02/2022 22:41

I didn't want to read and run, but this bit jumped out at me he has carried on with versions nothing quite as bad as this initial behaviour He hasn't changed in the past 10 years and I feel never will. You being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave and I believe there is a no fault divorce thing coming in? I could be wrong but I'm sure someone will say.
When you are at your lowest and needed help he didn't give it to you, not what a supportive partner should be. I hope you find your way to happiness Flowers

Radiohat · 16/02/2022 22:42

What happened was very wrong. It is not surprising that you are thinking about it now. Trauma from something horrible can return anytime. If you are unhappy you have absolutely every right to split up, the decision is yours. It sounds like you have been unhappy for a very long time and probably going through the motions of life not wanting to rock the boat. Take time to work out what is best for you and work to that goal. You know how you feel just work out what would make you feel better.......and stay focused on getting yourself happy.

mumof1or2 · 16/02/2022 22:43

I experienced something similar. Two violent outbursts very early on where I had to call the police. Never told anyone, got on with it and had a child together but our marriage was ruined and we're now divorced. I think sometimes it's hard to marry up in your brain the nice version of them and the nasty, violent version so you sort of believe the latter isn't really them. It is though and you need to leave! I've found happiness now with a lovely man who only has one personality. Such a breath of fresh air.

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 16/02/2022 22:45

@mumof1or2 Thank you for telling me about your experience, and I'm sorry that happened to you. It is really helpful to me to hear from someone who understands. Your now partner sounds lovely, well done.

OP posts:
Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 16/02/2022 22:47

I sometimes feel like if I'd left at the time (as my whole body was screaming to) I'd have been totally justified and better off, but as I haven't it's hard knowing this is the reason so many years later. He has done things in exactly the same pattern/feeling since, but nothing as bad, more emotional than physical. Which still really hurts and has ruined my life.

OP posts:
lisaandalan · 16/02/2022 23:03

Leave you are wasting your life. X

Gardeningcreature · 16/02/2022 23:09

Tell your solicitor what he has done. Of course you can leave, and you should .

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 16/02/2022 23:13

I don't have a solicitor. How would they incorporate something from so long ago?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 16/02/2022 23:22

@fallgriefsmum

I don't have a solicitor. How would they incorporate something from so long ago?
They won't need to - you can divorce for any reason you choose. But it's best to give them all the background.
nozbottheblue · 16/02/2022 23:47

You have support here.
Please understand that your life is not ruined. You have had a very hard time with this man, always hoping that it would get better (or at least that was me for 13 years).
Now you have decided to leave because you don't want to live with this man, your life will improve. Being on your own is far better than being with an abusive partner.
Keep talking to us. Daffodil
You are worth better!

RoyKentsChestHair · 17/02/2022 00:03

I can totally understand how this traumatic event has coloured your life ever since, even if you’d tried to bury it. It will have tainted everything you did since that moment because you know what he’s capable of when you’re at your lowest. I’m so sorry he did that to you.

FWIW I also had an incident where I called the police to have my ex removed from my house after he became aggressive. I forgave it but I never forgot and when he tried to make me say that “with hindsight” I would act differently, I refused. I felt unsafe and he was refusing to leave, despite me having a panic attack and hiding behind the table, so I did the right thing to protect myself, my kids and my home. He has rewritten it in his mind that I over reacted. But it showed me who he was when he was angry. So I was wary every time we fell out that he could do it again. It took him 7 more years, but he finally did. It’s just who he is. So I had to end it.

Like a PP I find it so hard to reconcile this man with the loving caring man who rubbed my feet and plumped my cushions, told me I was beautiful and kissed me tenderly. But underneath it there was a tension because I knew that he had it within him to be nasty and aggressive. A bit like a dog who has bitten once, you can never fully trust it again, no matter how much you love it.

I seem to remember when filling in my divorce papers that I was told to use the first incident, the last incident and the most serious incident. But then someone else said that if it was over a year ago it would be assumed that his behaviour wasn’t intolerable, as you’d tolerated it! In the end it took so long that I just used 2 years separation instead of unreasonable behaviour, but either way, you can use any reasons you see fit. Even if the incident was too long ago as a one-off, the repercussions and the later incidents are also reasons you can cite. Flowers

B1rdflyinghigh · 17/02/2022 00:06

I had an abortion. We had only been together 2 1/2 months and the contraception failed. The night of the abortion he left me and went to the pub, because he was stressed too. I never recovered from that.
I married him and stayed another 8 years....there were other incidences of selfishness. Im divorced now and I still struggle to see how I stayed with him.
Has been nice since? Do you need counselling to get over this one incident, if it is one incident?

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 17/02/2022 06:15

Thank you, @B1rdflyinghigh. I'm sorry about your experience.

I am having counselling myself at the moment. Has he been nice since? There have been regular episodes of the same behaviour (with less violence), especially when I'm vulnerable or down. In the rest of the time he is ok - does bits with the kids and can hold a conversation, cook etc. He is very selfish though and cannot seem to let me be vulnerable, it enrages him.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 17/02/2022 07:03

You are justified in leaving for something so horrible whether it happened five minutes or 10 years ago. His behaviour sabotaged your marriage and it has nothing to do with you at all.

I know on here people say you can end a marriage at any time for the simple reason that you want to. In reality I think most people need a reason they feel justifies it. Your husband is, and always has been, abusive. That's the best reason to leave him.

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 17/02/2022 07:13

@WTF475878237NC that really helps. Yes, his behaviour has sabotaged it. I feel such shame, myself, and it stops me from leaving.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 17/02/2022 07:17

The shame belongs to him. Your marriage never stood a chance. Please forgive yourself. You tried your best. It could never have been "enough" because of who he was and is.

Peach2021 · 17/02/2022 07:37

Hello lovely, I am leaving my marriage over something very similar that happened six years ago…it has been troubling me since then but recently became too much to bear, with more recent problems being the proverbial straw…His behaviour destroyed our marriage, I have felt so much shame for not dealing with it more strongly at the time, and I kept hoping things would get better, but even if they did temporarily it never lasted. Get out as soon as you feel able, it’s not easy but it’s better than living half a life, happy to DM if you would like to, I know I really needed to talk to someone who understood exactly what I was going through to start making sense of it all. You have taken the first step by posting, keep going one small step at a time until you are ready for one big jump; we are all here for you Flowers

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 07:43

@fallgriefsmum

I sometimes feel like if I'd left at the time (as my whole body was screaming to) I'd have been totally justified and better off, but as I haven't it's hard knowing this is the reason so many years later. He has done things in exactly the same pattern/feeling since, but nothing as bad, more emotional than physical. Which still really hurts and has ruined my life.
The thing is, those screams were the real you. Your heart. Your soul. The true fallgriefsmum. You've been supressing her, silencing her, minimising her, all this time, and probably for most of your life since you learned to, as a child. What situation were you in with your parents, that conditioned you to feel things, and dismiss them? Were your parents respectful of each other, and of you?

It's time to start listening to and responding to that scream. Once she starts to feel heard, she will, like the rest of us, calm down, and give you clear, calm messages. Those will be your boundaries. And listening to her will be your self respect; your own respect of your own feelings, your core, the true you.

The only reason she screamed was because the situation was urgent and nobody was listening: she's very wise.

Give her a chance: she's the part of you that provides happiness, contentment, joy, fulfillment... supress her, and you supress all of those things for yourself. Your life is not ruined; there is lots left. Your first responsibility in life is to look after you. This will enable you to give your children the best possible care, and the best possible example. Demonstrate to them that emotionally healthy adults respect their own need to leave a relationship, regardless of the reason. They will replicate what you do in their adult lives: give them this skill, if nothing else, and they will walk away from unhappiness throughout their lives.

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 17/02/2022 09:05

Thank you @Watchkeys. People are being so helpful.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 09:13

We can all see and accept the inner you, OP, the one who screamed back then.

See her and accept her yourself, and your perception of your situation will switch in an instant.

I had the sudden realisation to recognise and respect the inner me whilst out walking the dog, a few years ago. It was absolutely life changing. All of a sudden, no guilt, all the freedom I wanted to make all the decisions I wanted, to suit me. Just like all the confident people do!

Nobody is stopping you. You are free. You have done nothing with the intention of causing harm. You are innocent. Do things to please yourself Flowers

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 17/02/2022 10:24

Thank you @Watchkeys

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/02/2022 10:31

I haven't had this experience, OP, but it sounds dreadful and of course it still affects you hugely. It's sad you have to ask if people will understand that, as it shows how much shame/fear and how little trust you have due to your life experiences.

Original poster
fallgriefsmum · 17/02/2022 16:07

Yes, I do have a lot of shame and fear

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 16:14

You shouldn't feel shame. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. Are you scared of him or scared of being alone?