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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband found on Tinder

41 replies

Lotsofqueries · 16/02/2022 15:22

Myself and my husband haven’t had an easy relationship. I’m quite a quiet, low key person just looking for an easy, quiet life. He’s dramatic and loud and gets really angry. So much so that he can shout at me and call me names and I end up in tears. He finds it easy to criticise me, cleaning, not affectionate enough, but I find it hard to say anything to him as he just erupts. We’ve had many falling outs, I’ve ended up at my parents but always gone back.
Anyway, the usual I’m not affectionate argument started and I said I’d had enough, and within days my single friend found him on Tinder.

OP posts:

Bushkin · 16/02/2022 15:24

Just leave, it sounds like a rubbish relationship

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2022 15:24

Divorce him

AdultingInTheCountryside · 16/02/2022 15:26

Omg leave him please, what a twat. He doesn’t care about you.

Rawtinhail · 16/02/2022 15:27

Sounds like he's giving you plenty of reasons to make him your ex-husband.

Ingrid1983 · 16/02/2022 15:28

@Lotsofqueries

Myself and my husband haven’t had an easy relationship. I’m quite a quiet, low key person just looking for an easy, quiet life. He’s dramatic and loud and gets really angry. So much so that he can shout at me and call me names and I end up in tears. He finds it easy to criticise me, cleaning, not affectionate enough, but I find it hard to say anything to him as he just erupts. We’ve had many falling outs, I’ve ended up at my parents but always gone back. Anyway, the usual I’m not affectionate argument started and I said I’d had enough, and within days my single friend found him on Tinder.

This will not fly. Leave the guy before you waste anymore time.

Mischance · 16/02/2022 15:28

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Original poster

Lotsofqueries · 16/02/2022 15:30

He thinks he’s done absolutely nothing wrong and I’m just causing upheaval by splitting the family up. I do feel guilty for the kids, I really do. He has this way of convincing me that I’m to blame. Tinder was down to me saying I’d had enough for example. He thinks I’m totally out of order for wanting to end it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lotsofqueries · 16/02/2022 15:32

Yes I don’t get anything out the relationship, you’re right. A bit of company I suppose. But I look after the kids and the house, and I work, but I’ve never so much as looked at another guy or dating app. Not even on Facebook.

OP posts:

Heytheredemons · 16/02/2022 16:05

This is awful. I am so sorry for you.
It's clear from your OP that you have never been compatible, and your description of him is one of a bully who uses your introverted nature to bully and harass you, which should never happen between a loving couple.
Sometimes, being on your own is better than being trapped in a toxic environment, and until you leave or take an extended time apart, you don't realise how truly miserable and unhappy you were.

Even without everything else you have described, being on Tinder would be a deal breaker for me. What truly vile, disrespectful behaviour.

Much love, and I hope whatever you choose to do, you find happiness and inner peace x

PerseverancePays · 16/02/2022 16:20

Children don't thrive in a household of loud arguments. You will be doing them a favour in removing him. Don't feel guilty, don't worry about his feelings, he's not thinking about you, it's all about him.

bigbeatmanifesto · 16/02/2022 16:24

Your fault! He is unbelievable to say it's your fault he downloaded, wrote a bio, uploaded pics and was looking for other women on a dating app! The audacity of these types of men never fails to infuriate me!
LTB he's horrible.

Suzanne999 · 16/02/2022 16:25

Of course he’s going to blame you —- he’s a cheating bastard who’s been caught out, he’s not going to blame himself.
He’ll guilt trip you in every way he can to get you to stay, because everything must be done his way.
Leave him. Take the children, take everything penny and everything of value you can. You’ll be fine on your own.

Echobelly · 16/02/2022 16:29

I can almost hear the hissing of the gaslight from here - yelling at you and upsetting you and then blaming you for being upset!

Tell him you know he's on Tinder, his behaviour has made it clear he doesn't respect you and you're out. Also that you're not going to hear any guilt tripping, his behaviour is not acceptable to live with, and you've tried to accommodate him but it's not happening anymore.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2022 16:31

He’s dramatic and loud and gets really angry. So much so that he can shout at me and call me names and I end up in tears.

This alone is why you need to leave him, never mind the Tinder. He's an abusive, gaslighting arsehole. Please don't raise your children in a home like this.

irene9 · 16/02/2022 16:36

Your kids need a stable home. They don't need to be dragged from billy to jack when you have to decamp and go to your parents.
Or else you disappear out of the house to your parents and are your children bewildered wondering where you are gone?
Leave him and at least stabilise the children's lives with some sort of routine.
You are allowed to change your mind about any relationship.
Your children would be better off knowing which parent is going to be there what day of the week and if they are sleeping in granny's tonight or what.
Do they get much attention if Mum and Dad are absorbed in having to score points off each other and prove to themselves whose right and who's to blame.
Everyone feels guilty about getting divorced but it's time your kids knew what beds they'll be waking up in tomorrow.

Brainwave89 · 16/02/2022 16:50

He is the shit looking to meet other people on Tinder, therefore it is him, not you who is splitting up the family. Leave now. You deserve much better.

MollyQueenOfSocks · 16/02/2022 16:54

If you are going to divorce him get a screenshot of his Tinder account.

It's also time for the old MN Mantra OP. "Get your ducks in a row". Keep all texts talking about this stuff and get as much in writing as possible (proof of everything). Important paperwork for you and kids (Inc birth certs, passports etc) squirreled away, financial documents too (yours kept safe, his scanned/photographed as proof for when it comes to child support and any other monetary dividations etc).

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you have any IRL support such as your friend who can help you practically too (e.g. keeping those above mentioned docs safe, and any sentimental photos or family heirlooms etc etc)?

Also, try and take the moral high ground on this. Dignified silence other than being clear about your intentions. Let him have his tantrums and dig himself into holes.

DiamondBright · 16/02/2022 16:59

My exH had an affair and spent a year making my life hell trying to get me to end the marriage so he could leave and then introduce the OW as a new relationship, and he still tried to guilt trip me when I discovered what he was up to and threw him out.

He complained that I shouted at him !!!

You have to decide your course of action and just plough ahead, he's not on your team, you and your dc are your priority, don't let him guilt trip you, he's a knob.

DiamondBright · 16/02/2022 17:00

@MollyQueenOfSocks

If you are going to divorce him get a screenshot of his Tinder account.

Also, try and take the moral high ground on this. Dignified silence other than being clear about your intentions. Let him have his tantrums and dig himself into holes.

Dignified silence drives them up the wall.

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 17:04

Well done OP, what a nasty waster.

Much better for your children to be away from this.

Don't back down.

He's no loss.

Take @MollyQueenOfSocks excellent advice and move forward.

Lolabray · 16/02/2022 17:11

If you read my posts I’ve had the same thing except I’ve ended my relationship after finding he was on pof, apparently people do this when they feel lost, it will be an ego boost. My ex was also on tinder three days after we split but continues to send me songs and leave messages but I have now blocked him. They are nothing but snakes and sounds like you can do better

Lolabray · 16/02/2022 17:12

Lotsofqueries

He thinks he’s done absolutely nothing wrong and I’m just causing upheaval by splitting the family up.

Typical gaslighting behaviour and I’m also getting he has done nothing wrong and it is also me!! Emotional abuse

SunshineCake1 · 16/02/2022 17:25

Of course he thinks he has done nothing wrong.

Of course he doesn't want you to end it. He wants to keep his fun which is abusing you and the kids.

Wake up and get him out.

in2dagroove · 16/02/2022 17:39

Think very hard about exactly what you are getting out of this relationship, then find some support e.g. helpful kind people to talk things over with. Then start making plans to get this bully out of your life. Good luck, this can be the first step to freedom

Struggling1702 · 16/02/2022 17:44

Please leave him OP. I know the thought of breaking up the family is terrifying, it took me years to build up the courage but the pushing factor for me was what lessons I wanted to each my children. I wanted them to know that when people disrespect you time and time again, that it is not okay to put up with it. You have to be able to say no and walk away.

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