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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband found on Tinder

41 replies

Lotsofqueries · 16/02/2022 15:22

Myself and my husband haven’t had an easy relationship. I’m quite a quiet, low key person just looking for an easy, quiet life. He’s dramatic and loud and gets really angry. So much so that he can shout at me and call me names and I end up in tears. He finds it easy to criticise me, cleaning, not affectionate enough, but I find it hard to say anything to him as he just erupts. We’ve had many falling outs, I’ve ended up at my parents but always gone back.
Anyway, the usual I’m not affectionate argument started and I said I’d had enough, and within days my single friend found him on Tinder.

OP posts:

BellatricksStrange · 16/02/2022 17:52

If you won't be intimate and affectionate with him, why shouldn't he look elsewhere?

ChargingBuck · 16/02/2022 18:00

@BellatricksStrange

If you won't be intimate and affectionate with him, why shouldn't he look elsewhere?

If he won't look after his own kids or clean his own house, why would OP stay with him?

BellatricksStrange · 16/02/2022 18:03

Not saying she should stay with him, but obviously the reason she stayed till now wasn't for love.

WoMandalorian · 16/02/2022 18:12

So if it's no big deal is it OK for you to be on tinder? I bet the answer to that is no. Different rules for him.

ChargingBuck · 16/02/2022 18:13

@BellatricksStrange - when an angry, critical man complains of lack of "affection", he means that his wife isn't happy with the frequency of his demands for sex.

And who wants to have sex with an angry, critical man?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 16/02/2022 18:22

It’s quite hard to be affectionate towards someone who shouts, criticises you all the time, leaves you do do all the domestic stuff whilst having a job, and regularly reduces you to tears.

OP, anyone can fall out of love, anyone can realise that someone else is not who they thought, that they made a mistake, or see that things have changed.

None of it is anything to feel guilty about as long as you behave with honesty and integrity (as you are, and your H is not).

None of it means you have to live a life of unhappiness.

You cannot have your children hear him criticising you and shouting at you, seeing you in tears.

He showed you who he is and how much he cares about you and your marriage with his Tinder stunt.

Swipe Left. Or Right, or which ever way it is to dismiss someone.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 16/02/2022 18:24

Was he on tinder within days of you ending the relationship or prior to you ending the relationship?

Either way you're best out of it because he treats you like shit and you deserve better

custardbear · 16/02/2022 18:30

Honestly, tell him to leave, filthy bastard - you deserve better than someone shagging others via tinder

BOOTS52 · 16/02/2022 18:46

So sorry you are going through this and it sounds awful. But you know once you make a decision and get some supports and there has been a lot of good advice on here you will start to feel better. You sound like he has eroded all your confidence and walking on eggshells around him. I understand what you are going through and believe me you will have peace of mind with you and the kids and without him there and doing everything for him and his demands. To the poster Bellatrickstrange why would she be in the mood to give an abuser and an angry controlling pig affection and physical contact. He is not entitled to it and it seems like this poor woman is at the end of her tether and has reached out for help and taken the brave first step and you are added your ridiculous comment that is of no value as if to say men are entitled to sex and if not getting it can go elsewhere. Shame on you. Things will get better and just think this time next year how your life can be with you and the kids and no one putting you down and not having to do things for that awful man. Please leave and start the rest of your life and talk to someone in real life or ring up helplines to get support. You can do this as it will only get worse and your children must be anxious with this angry man around putting an atmosphere in the home. My dad was like this and it is horrible as the tension does affect the children.

WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 19:20

I can’t work out if you’re still together or not.

The tinder thing is irrelevant.

This relationship doesn’t work.
What’s the point in being miserable. How long are you going to live in misery for?

BellatricksStrange · 17/02/2022 14:34

[quote ChargingBuck]@BellatricksStrange - when an angry, critical man complains of lack of "affection", he means that his wife isn't happy with the frequency of his demands for sex.

And who wants to have sex with an angry, critical man?[/quote]
Nobody in a relationship should need to 'demand' sex. If you expect sexual fidelity of the other partner/spouse, you can't expect them to be celibate.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 14:36

So did you say you'd had enough and leave?

ReadySteadyTwins · 17/02/2022 14:46

@Lotsofqueries

Yes I don’t get anything out the relationship, you’re right. A bit of company I suppose. But I look after the kids and the house, and I work, but I’ve never so much as looked at another guy or dating app. Not even on Facebook.

OP I just want to point out that this is hardly something to be proud of, and I don't mean that in a snarky way. I mean, it should go without saying. You shouldn't have to justify yourself, or defend that you haven't reciprocated shitty behaviour. It sounds to me like he's spent so long making everything your fault, that you are starting to let that affect you.

Leave him xxx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 14:54

Don't feel guilty about the kids when it comes to leaving him.

So much so that he can shout at me and call me names and I end up in tears. He finds it easy to criticise me, cleaning, not affectionate enough, but I find it hard to say anything to him as he just erupts.

It's far more selfish and far more damaging to you continue to raise them under the same roof as a relationship with this dynamic.

You've described an abusive relationship. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 15:38

Nobody in a relationship should need to 'demand' sex. If you expect sexual fidelity of the other partner/spouse, you can't expect them to be celibate.

Wowsers.
So being in an exclusive relationship means always putting out, whether you want to or not, because your partner should be able to have sex with you whenever they want?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 15:43

Oh ffs @BellatricksStrange must you be an apologist for awful behaviour on every single thread you happen across?

Nobody in a relationship should need to 'demand' sex.

Read this back and think about what you're saying here. Really think about it.

Do you have a daughter? Is this how a conversation would go with them?

I think on previous threads you've said you're a man but if I've got that wrong then substitute Dad for Mum:

"Dad, Dave is pissed off with me - I haven't been in the mood for sex this week but he keeps saying he needs it."

"Well you're in a relationship so he shouldn't need to demand it, you'll need to either shag him or be happy for him to shag someone else."

Bleurgh.

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