Is it OK to be grumpy?

[Cliche87]

Today, my DH took DS out for the morning. My DS is 2.5 and challenging. We are not sure exactly why or if it's an issue, or if he's just a toddler but he gets v upset over everything.

Anyway - nice morning planned. Park, haircut (for DS), brunch etc. And everything was a disaster. DS has come back looking ridiculous as he was so upset in barbers that they could only do a half job. He demanded sausages for brunch, DH spent ages finding a cafe that does what he wants and then DS refuses to eat anything. Train cancelled. DS then hit DH really hard across the face at the train station. I had to come pick them up (i'm working from home)

I've put DS down for a nap and now DH is very quiet. Said 'he doesn't deserve all of this when trying so hard'. I mean he's not sulking and he's not taking it out on me. He's just quiet and said he's 'upset and tired' and is now on the sofa watching crap and not helping or anything. He said he feels sad. I've told him we have to be the grown ups and remain upbeat and he said 'I'm allowed to be grumpy for a bit'.

So I guess that's my question really. I recognise that I have this weird discomfort with grumpyness, I have to try and get him out of it, persuade him it's OK, or snap at him and tell him to sort himself out. All which results in arguments.

But really - is it my issue? Like actually maybe he's just allowed to be quiet and grumpy

I had a dad who was v. grumpy and everyone had to leave him alone. And i guess it makes me react strongly. DH really not being horrible, he just isn't v. happy today and I guess that's OK> But I hate it.

Thoughts?

Of course he's allowed to be grumpy for a bit. You've said yourself he's not sulking or taking it out on you. Just leave him be for a bit.

He had to try and appease a mini dictator all day who then socked him round the face.

I’d be grumpy too.

I’d be grumpy for more than a bit if I’d just had the morning he’s had!!

I had a grumpy dad who was best avoided so totally get why this would bring up uncomfortable feelings but it’s not healthy to paint a fake smile on and be upbeat all the time. He’s had a shite morning and feels down about it.

As an aside with a tricky toddler then I think the morning plan was too much. The hairdressers was already a disaster and you say toddler is quite difficult anyway so probably should have cut his losses then.

That sounds like a shite morning and I say he's allowed to wallow in grumpiness for a bit.

When he's feeling a bit better I'd tell him toddlers are wee buggers, parenting can be a thankless task and not to take it personally.

Unless there is more to it I agree your DH is allowed to be grumpy. It sounds like he'd had a difficult morning, and it is normal to need a bit of a breather before you take a deep breath and crack on. I'd say a hug, some sympathy and a cup of tea is probably what he could do with. Toddlers are tough.

Oh god toddlers are exhausting, it's stressful at times especially when it's public meltdowns. If I were him and the toddler was napping I'd also be on the sofa with a cuppa giving myself a well earned break

When mine were little I think I would have just planned 1 'thing' to do and sacked off cafe if child in a difficult mood.

It's all a learning curve

I would be grumpy too. In fact 2 nights ago I had a good cry to DH about how hard I find it to cope with my toddlers behavior, same age as yours. Their behavior will get better but when you’re in this phase, it seems endless. Cut him some slack and allow him to be grumpy, he’s not being abusive or doing anything to hurt you.

Ahhh that's a pants morning - yup, let him be grumpy and put the kettle on. He'll come round soon enough.

What happened if people didn't leave your dad alone? Did 'grumpy' become something worse?

Yes, he’s allowed to be grumpy as long as he’s not taking it out on you (which he isn’t). Although I fully appreciate your discomfort with this. It is also quite okay (imho) for toddler to see that dad is sad and grumpy. He tried really hard to make it a good day, and it’s okay to be sad that it wasn’t. Hang in there - toddlers are hard work! It will get better

Yes people are allowed to be grumpy.
I guess your DH could have been more thankful that you came to collect them.

But I wonder if it would help if you both lowered your expectations for a toddler. Park, hair cut and brunch doesn't sound particularly great for a toddler. More like park with snacks and home for lunch.

Toddlers are difficult.

I'd say it's fine to feel that way and sit with those feelings especially while Ds is napping etc. As long as he can pick back up again later then it's all good. And it would be good to tell him not to take it personally, it's the terrible 2s, it was a tall order taking a 2 year old for a hair cut and cafe etc.

Grumpiness is fine, as long as it's not relentless grumpiness that drains everyone else long-term. The sort of thing you're describing sounds fine- he's had a bit of a crap day and he feels justifiably a bit down about it. I also think seeing grownups feeling normal up and down feelings is probably going to be good for your DS and help him feel more comfortable with his own emotions.

That said, I have total sympathy for how you feel because of your experiences with your dad. Growing up with a chronically grumpy parent is horrible. But it sounds like that's not what's happening here, so for your DH's sake I think you should try to separate the two situations.

@WheelieBinPrincess

He had to try and appease a mini dictator all day who then socked him round the face.

I’d be grumpy too.

This!! I get grumpy when dealing with irrational children.

I think the "I don't deserve this when I'm trying so hard" comment would piss me off a bit tbh, as would the lying on the sofa and not helping.
Yes, it was a shit morning but you are an adult mate. Get on with it and stop feeling sorry for yourself! How many mothers of toddlers have to put up with this sort of thing all the time? I know I did!

Thank you all. I guess I just feel like I have to put a brave face on everything for the whole family and keep everyone upbeat. So if we go out somewhere and toddler is in meltdown mode, baby (we've a 10 month DS too), and everything is going wrong and then DH goes quiet and grumpy - and then it's up to me to be like 'We are having SUCH a nice time'

But maybe I don't have to do that. And just to have accept that some days are rubbish. Probs really annoying me putting a big grin on my face. Just DH goes quiet and then DS1 says 'me sad me sad' because he knows his dad is upset with him

I think DH is sad because we are actaully both properly worried about DS behaviour - it's so extreme. But I just feel this burden that if we do have some real challenges ahead of us - DH is going to be quiet and withdrawn and I can't do that too - someone has got to keep positive?

And in answer to Q about my dad - he didn't really do anything other than usual shouting and swearing etc. But me and my mum just knew to stay away for as long as it took for him to be happy again.

I don’t think you need to feel like you need to chivvy all the time OP. He’s a grown up.

Toddlers are hard.

@WheelieBinPrincess

He had to try and appease a mini dictator all day who then socked him round the face.

I’d be grumpy too.

Yes.

It sounds like the 'terrible twos'; it will pass.

@Cliche87

Thank you all. I guess I just feel like I have to put a brave face on everything for the whole family and keep everyone upbeat. So if we go out somewhere and toddler is in meltdown mode, baby (we've a 10 month DS too), and everything is going wrong and then DH goes quiet and grumpy - and then it's up to me to be like 'We are having SUCH a nice time'

But maybe I don't have to do that. And just to have accept that some days are rubbish. Probs really annoying me putting a big grin on my face. Just DH goes quiet and then DS1 says 'me sad me sad' because he knows his dad is upset with him

I think DH is sad because we are actaully both properly worried about DS behaviour - it's so extreme. But I just feel this burden that if we do have some real challenges ahead of us - DH is going to be quiet and withdrawn and I can't do that too - someone has got to keep positive?

And in answer to Q about my dad - he didn't really do anything other than usual shouting and swearing etc. But me and my mum just knew to stay away for as long as it took for him to be happy again.

I think it's ok for parents to show a full range of emotions. I was brought up not allowed to be sad or angry when they're perfectly normal emotions. Toddlers are SUCH hard work and sometimes you just have to embrace the struggle. It's ok to have a bit of a mope while he's napping. Hopefully he'll have appreciated the chill out and then get back to it. I know I've had my days where I think Jesus this has been hard, I can't wait til bedtime!

I don't think you need to keep saying stuff like 'we're having SUCH a good day' because well, not every day IS a good day. Especially with irrational kids (ones who wallop you in particular!) sometimes it's good for them to see their behaviour does affect other people.

I’m also not sure wrestling an unwilling two year old into the barbers for a haircut is setting up for a ‘nice morning’, in all honesty!

If that needed to be done then that was a last-on-the-list job for the day then straight home or probably the only planned activity then home, if he was likely to kick off.

Yeah this is your problem, people are allowed to feel negative emotions. Maybe your dad was so extreme with it that it has impacted you as an adult? Shouting and swearing aren't really normal in front of children IMO - do you or your DH shout and swear around ds? I think you assume this was normal because it was your normal. Raising your voice is one thing - having to stay away from someone for a long time because they are so angry and shouting and swearing isn't.

I was just saying on another thread about kids refusing haircuts and possible ASD that mine was the same - I cut his hair till past school age. He was diagnosed with ASD at secondary age.

DH is just disappointed that's all and that's ok. DS may have been totally overwhelmed by all the plans. The sausages may not have been the right sausages (ie not how they are at home), the haircut might have thrown him for a loop and he ended up lashing out as he just couldn't cope with it all. I would read up on ASD and treat ds as he has it - it's just really good parenting even if he doesn't. Noticing when he's tired/hungry/overwhelmed and sorting it asap. Be very clear in what you say and expect him to take it literally. Give him warnings about what is going to be happening when and how long he has ie you've got 5 minutes left at the park before it will be time to go home or we're going to the shops in 10 minutes so you need your finish off your picture and then put your shoes on. Routine also may really help him - and recognising what he likes and doesn't like (and that the things that he likes he may only like in a very specific way).

You don't have to pretend you're all having a great time if no one is. Just go home and chill out there instead, a baby and a toddler is a lot to handle especially if the toddler is easily over whelmed.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment a little while ago when I finally realised that the level of responsibility I feel/take on myself for other peoples feelings/moods is unhealthy and that not everyone does it. I'm still trying to figure out where it comes from but it's pretty clear in your case and good that you're aware it probably stems from your dad.

I realised that the amount of discomfort I feel around other peoples stress or upset isn't 'normal', it's literally unbearable for me to be around someone in the (entirely understandable) mood your DH is in and I will do anything in that moment to 'fix it'. I haven't worked out what to do about it yet either but I am finding that just being aware of it is helpful. There have been a couple of incidents already where I would usually have either gone into 'fixer' mode or assumed I had done something wrong and instead I've stayed calm and just offered a listening ear or a hug, with surprisingly (to me anyway!) good results.

It's made me see how much my reactions to peoples stress or upset was escalating the situations rather than helping and has given me an entirely new perspective on some of my relationships. I don't know how much of that you identify with OP but it does sound like maybe you're having similar reactions so I thought it was worth sharing