Is it OK to be grumpy?

[Cliche87]

Today, my DH took DS out for the morning. My DS is 2.5 and challenging. We are not sure exactly why or if it's an issue, or if he's just a toddler but he gets v upset over everything.

Anyway - nice morning planned. Park, haircut (for DS), brunch etc. And everything was a disaster. DS has come back looking ridiculous as he was so upset in barbers that they could only do a half job. He demanded sausages for brunch, DH spent ages finding a cafe that does what he wants and then DS refuses to eat anything. Train cancelled. DS then hit DH really hard across the face at the train station. I had to come pick them up (i'm working from home)

I've put DS down for a nap and now DH is very quiet. Said 'he doesn't deserve all of this when trying so hard'. I mean he's not sulking and he's not taking it out on me. He's just quiet and said he's 'upset and tired' and is now on the sofa watching crap and not helping or anything. He said he feels sad. I've told him we have to be the grown ups and remain upbeat and he said 'I'm allowed to be grumpy for a bit'.

So I guess that's my question really. I recognise that I have this weird discomfort with grumpyness, I have to try and get him out of it, persuade him it's OK, or snap at him and tell him to sort himself out. All which results in arguments.

But really - is it my issue? Like actually maybe he's just allowed to be quiet and grumpy

I had a dad who was v. grumpy and everyone had to leave him alone. And i guess it makes me react strongly. DH really not being horrible, he just isn't v. happy today and I guess that's OK> But I hate it.

Thoughts?

Hey. You may be having problems with your toddler because you're treating him like an adult. No toddler is going to think that having his hair cut and having to sit still and lunch is a treat. They're wiggle bums and usually not that interested in lunch.

Plan stuff round when your toddler is awake and happy but keep it minimal. It sounds like he's overstimulated

I think the "I don't deserve this when I'm trying so hard" comment would piss me off a bit tbh, as would the lying on the sofa and not helping.Yes, it was a shit morning but you are an adult mate

This!!
Yeah he can be grumpy. Doesn't give you a pass to sit about not doing anything though.
Women don't just sit and wallow when they're having a shit day with the kids.

And in answer to Q about my dad - he didn't really do anything other than usual shouting and swearing etc. But me and my mum just knew to stay away for as long as it took for him to be happy again.

Shouting and swearing is abusive.

I would guess this is where you learnt to 'put on a jolly face' - to try to prevent your father becoming abusive. In your birth family, your father's 'quiet grumpiness' was the early warning sign that meant you all had to walk on egg shells around him, or else.

I think this is conditioning your reaction to your partner's normal quiet sadness.

Your issue I'm afraid. Dh has tried to have a nice morning out with his son and it was horrible. He's allowed to feel sad and grumpy about that.
When I'm grumpy I just voice it to my husband and his answer is always "I can understand it's ok to feel grumpy sometimes" and even that makes me feel a bit better!

I think that taking a toddler out needs to involve lots of running around, and accepting that a toddler can only cope with one thing for a very short time. All toddlers find the hairdressers hard; and sitting still having brunch is a step too far.

Just take him out for a short run around in the park - whole mornings out with father and son bonding are to come in the future.

Give OH a hug and say: "OK - lesson learned - you did your best - I understand you are pissed off - we'll have a glass of gin when he's in bed!" Really - please don't blame him for being pissed off - he had a crap morning.

Sounds like a hard morning, yeah give him some time to be sad and grumpy. Then remind him DS is the child. Why do you think DS was being like that? Was he upset about something?

I think it was too much in one day
Who plans a brunch for a toddler?
Park + haircut + brunch sounds exhausting
It sounds like you have an idealised concept of parenthood
Of fun playing at the park, cute haircuts, fun brunches out
In reality this was obviously too much stimulation for the boy
Less is more
Cramming all these activities in one day sounds like it is for your benefit not your son's
A 2 year old doesn't care if they eat sausages at home or in a cafe
If his hair looks silly then just shave his head
IMO

Yes it's fine. He needs some time to feel better after a really stressful and tiring morning. Having to remain upbeat is ridiculous and unhealthy. It sounds like he is aware of his feelings, allowing himself to feel them for a time and will probably be better for it later. Repressing feelings is a bad idea as they will come out in other ways.

You should also be able to have the space to regulate your own emotions when you need it. It's actually a grown up response.

The only time it would be an issue is that if he always opted out of housework. But as an occasional thing, everyone needs to be cut a bit of slack sometimes.

@StormyWindow

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment a little while ago when I finally realised that the level of responsibility I feel/take on myself for other peoples feelings/moods is unhealthy and that not everyone does it. I'm still trying to figure out where it comes from but it's pretty clear in your case and good that you're aware it probably stems from your dad.

I realised that the amount of discomfort I feel around other peoples stress or upset isn't 'normal', it's literally unbearable for me to be around someone in the (entirely understandable) mood your DH is in and I will do anything in that moment to 'fix it'. I haven't worked out what to do about it yet either but I am finding that just being aware of it is helpful. There have been a couple of incidents already where I would usually have either gone into 'fixer' mode or assumed I had done something wrong and instead I've stayed calm and just offered a listening ear or a hug, with surprisingly (to me anyway!) good results.

It's made me see how much my reactions to peoples stress or upset was escalating the situations rather than helping and has given me an entirely new perspective on some of my relationships. I don't know how much of that you identify with OP but it does sound like maybe you're having similar reactions so I thought it was worth sharing

@StormyWindow This is exactly it. I find other people's upset unbearable. I just want to fix it. And I find it quite annoying if I'm honest. I think it's because I'm so rarely grumpy - but that's my own issue too. I do give him hugs and try to support him. But the biggest challenge is just not doing anything - and leaving him to his own mood. I just want to make him happy again. But I'm really starting to recognise that is some people pleasing rubbish and he's responsible for his own moods. I'm such a fixer. You have expressed what I feel perfectly.

@blackdumpling

I think it was too much in one day Who plans a brunch for a toddler? Park + haircut + brunch sounds exhausting It sounds like you have an idealised concept of parenthood Of fun playing at the park, cute haircuts, fun brunches out In reality this was obviously too much stimulation for the boy Less is more Cramming all these activities in one day sounds like it is for your benefit not your son's A 2 year old doesn't care if they eat sausages at home or in a cafe If his hair looks silly then just shave his head IMO

LOL.

Yes - who does plan brunch for a toddler?

When I said brunch - I meant my DH taking my DS for sausage and chips in a cafe at 11am, I didn't mean bottomless prosecco and salmon.

We often go to the park and then for something to eat. But I take your point that the haircut bit was perhaps me thinking 'ah that will be nice' forgetting that I'm talking about a two year old boy, not myself.

You don't have to put a brave face on and keep things upbeat, either. It is also okay for you to not feel great and have a quiet afternoon/evening if you need to! There is no need for everything to always be upbeat, people just aren't like that, and emotions are a natural thing and they change and move. There is no reason to pretend otherwise.

@blackdumpling you do know you’re not on AIBU?

You don't have to be Mary poppins OP. Neither does your DH. You've both had the day ruined by toddler behaviour. Building a day up to be nice and family orientated is building it up to fail. The best days just happen. By building happiness into the day that didn't happened, you will both feel deflated. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, neither does your toddler or your DH or you.

It's definitely ok to be grumpy, and I would say this is a message to also communicate to your DS - "You're mad because you didn't get X. It's OK to be mad. Do you want a cuddle/story/need some quiet time together?" Trying to cheer people out of a bad mood is a recipe for unresolved emotions that build up over time. My motto with difficult emotions is "don't cheer up, comfort instead" - validate that it's ok to feel that way, give a hug, give some space, whatever the person needs.

That goes for you too OP - it's OK and normal for you to be grumpy sometimes too. Doesn't mean you can take it out on people, but it's ok to model needing some time to process a bad day/hard emotions. It seems like your upbringing may have taught you that grumpiness/bad moods were not safe, because they weren't safe with your dad, so you start getting a bit panicked when someone isn't happy in the household. But hopefully your DH isn't like your dad, isn't taking it out on people but rather just needing a bit of space to feel better, which is totally normal.

And yes agree with everyone - toddlers are hard!

I think there’s a big difference between today’s scenario and the day out scenario you mention.

Today, DH is being grumpy and quiet on the sofa while DS is asleep. So he’s not leaving the child entertaining/jollying to you.

On a day out, if DH goes grumpy and quiet, then it creates a mood (my DH does the same) which then influences the DC’s mood, and you are left with the task of trying to rescue the day.

So I would say he gets to be grumpy IF it’s not ruining anything, but if you’re in the middle of a day out, nope he needs to fake it till he makes it.

Really normal to be grumpy after a morning like that. It's healthy to just chill for a bit. Done it plenty of times

@minipie totally agree on that! Big difference between acting in a huff/strop in the moment and creating a "walking on eggshells" environment for everyone vs. needing some time afterwards to decompress from the frustration in your own home (and recognising that the frustration is your own to deal with, not anybody else's problem).

It’s good to teach your kids how to manage tough emotions and that’s hard to do if you’re always jollying everyone up and putting a big smile over things.

I've had a similar day with my kids and I'm grumpy as fuck now.

I'm glad it struck a chord, if nothing else you know you're not alone! I'm the same, really even-tempered and generally cheery and I've also realised (from what you said in your reply actually so thank you ) that I am also annoyed by other peoples moods/grumpiness. I hadn't considered that before but it's true, I'm annoyed that they are 'spoiling' things by being grumpy. I need to think about that some more and figure out whether it's reasonable or something else I need to look at trying to change.

I've been forced to reevaluate a lot of things lately and am trying really hard to apply the concept that I can't change other peoples behaviour, only my own reaction to it. It's made me look at my reactions to stuff from a totally different perspective, and realise I was being really unfair to some people in my life. I hope he's cheered up a bit and you're both feeling better anyway, good advice from PP's about expectations with kids DS's age too, keep it simple is the golden rule

We’ve definitely come home with half a haircut before!

Is there background to all this, OP? The impression I get from your posts is that either you or DH were quite invested in the day as a “special” day and maybe that’s why you’re both taking it badly that it didn’t go as planned- had DH taken a day off specially or something? IMO the days you plan as special for toddlers often don’t quite go as you hope and the best days are the ones which just happen and take you by surprise.

I also find other people’s grumpiness very hard to deal with and have the urge to fix everything? If you can’t resist, can you take yourself off for a bit?

PS there’s a great book called “Please Yourself” which I highly recommend- about how people-pleasing can come from a place of wanting to manage/control other people’s negative emotions, which is unfair on them as well as you.

I can understand your dh’s reaction. Your DS sounds just like my younger DD at that age. She was horrendous from about 9 months to thee and a half/ 4. Worse outside the house and would just cry for no reason I could find. Went on and on, I dreaded her walking up grizzling as I knew I was in for a rough day. Checked over by everyone medical, nothing found. I honestly felt that no matter what I did, nothing was good enough. It as draining. No idea why or how but suddenly seemed to spring out of it before she was 4.
Far worse when the slightest bit hungry or went past a mealtime, only thing I could work out.
I imagine your husband feels he tried and everything he did was rejected by a toddler. He’ll get over it and I found it was best to say well that was today ( thank God it’s over) let’s hope tomorrow’s better.

@blackdumpling

I think it was too much in one day Who plans a brunch for a toddler? Park + haircut + brunch sounds exhausting It sounds like you have an idealised concept of parenthood Of fun playing at the park, cute haircuts, fun brunches out In reality this was obviously too much stimulation for the boy Less is more Cramming all these activities in one day sounds like it is for your benefit not your son's A 2 year old doesn't care if they eat sausages at home or in a cafe If his hair looks silly then just shave his head IMO

100% this

I think your DH's reaction is normal.

The morning you had planned for DS was too much - three activities in as many hours is a lot for a toddler.

Haircut should also have either been first or last on the list - not after the park when he's hangry