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Original poster

Love bombing or really into me?

49 replies

Notanotherchange · 15/02/2022 22:05

Ok so… I have had a couple of toxic/abusive relationships. Ditched a cock lodger and you name it. I did counselling and a womens aid group and the freedom program…
So have started OLD again, I’ve met someone, we got on really well on the phone/messaging and out first date was really good, he’s definitely in my head but am cautious…

He’s started making some plans, gigs he wants us to go to, been discussing activities we can do together etc etc which is really nice, says he really fancies me and thinks about what our future could be like…

This is all positive but all my groups have made me hyper vigilant to red flags and love bombing.

So how can you tell?

I guess my previous dates were a bit lukewarm and non comital… this one isn’t at all…

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 15/02/2022 22:08

No idea whether he’s being genuine OP but any dates I have had who go on to do this have always petered out in a few weeks. Usually via ghosting. Therefore this is always a red flag for me.

Gooders1105 · 15/02/2022 22:09

Trust your gut. It’s too early. If you’ve not had a second date yet you hardly know each other!
You just need to put the brakes on. One date at a time.
If you think he’s love bombing you, he might be!
Take it very slowly. If he’s a nice bloke, he’ll want that too.
Best of luck! Keep posting as you go!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 22:10

You've only been on one date? Far too much, far too soon. Massive red flags are waving.

Federal · 15/02/2022 22:12

Little too early to talk about futures after 1 date. That would be a warning.

But just go with it and see. You are aware which is the main thing.
Good luck with OLD!

Wauden · 15/02/2022 22:14

What is OLD please?

Original poster
Notanotherchange · 15/02/2022 22:19

Online dating

OP posts:
wingscrow · 15/02/2022 22:26

After only one date? Sounds a bit much.

Trust your instincts, if you are having doubts better be safe than sorry and give this one a miss.

iwishu · 15/02/2022 22:29

What stands out for me is what he wants to do. Do you have much input in planning activities?
Your future too, well that's down to both of you and make sure it's at a pace you're comfortable with.

I would enjoy yourself but not take what he says too seriously about your future, it's been one date and you hardly know each other enough to know the outcome yet, time will tell if you're compatible enough for a relationship.

Original poster
Notanotherchange · 15/02/2022 22:31

Yes I do, we both are really into music so have invited each other to gigs and are planking on watching some sports events together. Nothing huge.

OP posts:
MunchyMonsters · 15/02/2022 22:31

Its hard to balance red flags with someone who is genuinely interested in you, if you have suffered trauma. It's easy for people to say 'trust your gut' if your gut is off wack.

Original poster
Notanotherchange · 15/02/2022 22:37

@MunchyMonsters that’s exactly it

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 15/02/2022 22:37

I feel like a lot of it comes down to detail. You've been on one date and have been

If him 'thinking about what your future together could be like' means 'planning more dates that you would both enjoy in the next few weeks', I'd call it a pretty good sign.

If it means him saying, 'I really like you a lot and could see us travelling to Mexico together later this year. I've always wanted to go and I'm sure you'd love it' it's an orange flag.

If it means him saying 'You're exactly the kind of girl I could see myself settling down with' then it's a massive red flag and you should back away fast.

CheekyHobson · 15/02/2022 22:38

Whoops lost the end of my first sentence

*have been messaging for a couple of weeks?

Peachtoiletpaper · 15/02/2022 23:07

Are the upcoming gigs in the next couple of weeks? That's still quite forward for a first date but could still just be reasonable suggestions for a second date. if they were, say, in July, it would be a definite flag. What did he mean by your future?

TheFoundation · 16/02/2022 00:32

@MunchyMonsters

Its hard to balance red flags with someone who is genuinely interested in you, if you have suffered trauma. It's easy for people to say 'trust your gut' if your gut is off wack.
Just pull back if it feels bad or questionable. It doesn't matter if your gut is 'off wack'. All that means is that a compatible person has come along at a time when you weren't ready.

Your gut isn't there to tell you whether Bob is a nice man. Your gut is there to tell you if it would be a good idea for you to have a relationship with Bob at this point in your life. It's not about Bob, it's about you.

Your gut is never 'off wack'.

Krankle · 16/02/2022 00:36

Your gut is never 'off wack'.

This isn't true. If you have a history of trauma then your gut is quite often 'off whack' which is why the OP is asking.

I agree with when he means when he talks about 'the future'. Next couple of weeks - fine. Starts talking marriage and babies - not fine.

TheFoundation · 16/02/2022 00:43

@Krankle

Your gut is never 'off wack'.

This isn't true. If you have a history of trauma then your gut is quite often 'off whack' which is why the OP is asking.

I agree with when he means when he talks about 'the future'. Next couple of weeks - fine. Starts talking marriage and babies - not fine.

It is true. We know when someone does something that's not right for us. A history of trauma doesn't stop your gut instinct; it stops you listening to it.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2022 07:17

I agree that dating after the freedom programme is a mind fuck ! The bad behaviour is easy to spot
But this is harder and frankly just go slow
…
Post on here ….
There are many of us !

And also trust yourself
If you feel good and are smiling 🙂 then great

If there are worries , listen to them

This page has been very useful for me as a thinking space about what’s next
What do I want etc

Lampan · 16/02/2022 07:30

I would run for the hills. He doesn’t know you at all, how does he know he wants a future? To me this always comes across as ‘man so desperate for a woman that whoever is available will do’ and it’s very common with online dating. He should take the time to get to know you and then decide what he wants. Even if he is genuinely keen he should know that it’s not an appropriate way to behave.

Original poster
Notanotherchange · 16/02/2022 07:57

@CheekyHobson that’s true. We are watching boxing together this weekend, and have a gig next. Then he suggested another concert on 22nd March.

He hasn’t said much about the future in real terms, just that he wonders what it would be like with me, and asks me the things I like doing so we can do things together.

It’s also very clear he’s very attracted to me and wants to get to know me.

We aren’t young both 40s, with kids.

I am going to take things slowly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherchange · 16/02/2022 07:58

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for the understanding.

OP posts:
Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 10:28

Sounds to me a combination of two things from him. One, he wants an activity partner. Two, he is on the rebound, which explains his apparent keen-ness.

I'd enjoy it for the present moment. What gigs are you going to?

RevolvingPivot · 16/02/2022 10:32

Does he see his kids/ parents / ex?

Does he have his own home?

You probably won't know for definite yet I suppose.

iwishu · 16/02/2022 10:34

Are you into boxing too? and his concert he wants to go to, again he sounds like all these are his suggestions unless you are genuinely into the same things then great but I'd see it as a red flag if you don't get to choose some of the dates.

Pinkbonbon · 16/02/2022 10:45

Hmm... 'he thinks about what our future would be like' after 1 date? Love bomber I'd say. It's called 'future faking'.

But hard to know these things for sure sometimes. If you like him, insist on taking things slow. Treat it as just a bit of fun for now.

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