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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Love bombing or really into me?

49 replies

Notanotherchange · 15/02/2022 22:05

Ok so… I have had a couple of toxic/abusive relationships. Ditched a cock lodger and you name it. I did counselling and a womens aid group and the freedom program…
So have started OLD again, I’ve met someone, we got on really well on the phone/messaging and out first date was really good, he’s definitely in my head but am cautious…

He’s started making some plans, gigs he wants us to go to, been discussing activities we can do together etc etc which is really nice, says he really fancies me and thinks about what our future could be like…

This is all positive but all my groups have made me hyper vigilant to red flags and love bombing.

So how can you tell?

I guess my previous dates were a bit lukewarm and non comital… this one isn’t at all…

OP posts:

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 10:59

He actually sounds lovely and genuinely interested in you and I say that as someone who’s very wary of trusting men in general and potential partners in particular. It’s no proof that he isn’t going to be abusive, sadly only time will tell. But so far I see no red flags from what you describe.

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 11:01

If you want to test if you’re dealing with love bombing, became a bit more distant and unavailable (tell them you’re busy with work) and see their reaction. It’s a good indication.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2022 11:04

@LaBellina

If you want to test if you’re dealing with love bombing, became a bit more distant and unavailable (tell them you’re busy with work) and see their reaction. It’s a good indication.

If you're feeling the need to play this game, your relationship is over. Testing each other doesn't happen in healthy relationships. Nor does the question 'Am I being love bombed?'

Pinkbonbon · 16/02/2022 11:07

It not game playing to take a little extra space for yourself pp. It's not even a relationship, they had 1 date.

Its a good idea to say 'no' to things sometimes to see how people react. As is slowing things down and seeing if they respect it and try to rush you into things.

Pinkbonbon · 16/02/2022 11:07

*or try to

Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 11:09

Saying 'no' to see how people react is game playing.

Saying 'no' because you don't want to do something is normal.

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 11:10

OP, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong for feeling a bit scared and doubtful, it IS scary to get into dating again after being abused and you’re being brave to try. Don’t feel bad for trying to protect yourself.
Abusive men are very good at picking out women that have been the victim of abuse in the past and it’s completely normal and healthy to be wary

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 11:11

@Pinkbonbon

It not game playing to take a little extra space for yourself pp. It's not even a relationship, they had 1 date.

Its a good idea to say 'no' to things sometimes to see how people react. As is slowing things down and seeing if they respect it and try to rush you into things.

Exactly

Pinkbonbon · 16/02/2022 11:11

@Fieldsville

Saying 'no' to see how people react is game playing.

Saying 'no' because you don't want to do something is normal.

Presumably, you would say no for both reasons though.

But you're still.wrong about it being game playing either way. You could argue that it is testing the person. But you have every right to do that when it regards ensuring they are a safe person to be around.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2022 11:12

It not game playing to take a little extra space for yourself pp

No, it isn't. But it is if it's an attempt to manipulate a situation to suss out someone's reaction. If you're feeling the need to do this stuff after date 1, don't have date 2. You want to be feeling comfortable right from the start, and to be able to ask and clear up any issues easily. That's how healthy relationships start and progress.

'I'll do x and see what he does in response' basically means that you either can't ask him about what's bothering you, or you wouldn't trust his answer. Neither of those scenarios happens when you're with a person who's good for you.

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 11:13

Yes. Can’t believe that posters are telling someone who has experience with abusive men and difficulty with boundaries that she would be the bad guy for being careful and making sure she’s making safe choices

Watchkeys · 16/02/2022 11:14

@Pinkbonbon

But you have every right to do that when it regards ensuring they are a safe person to be around

But if you are even considering them to be unsafe, you should just leave. Either you're right, or you're not ready to trust a good person.

Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 11:15

Of course you have every right to use whatever is at your disposal to ensure they are a safe person to be around.

I was simply trying to highlight the difference between natural conduct, and the more contrived game-playing. If I found myself getting in to the latter I would draw back and go and spend some time by myself, meditating.

Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 11:20

'Yes. Can’t believe that posters are telling someone who has experience with abusive men and difficulty with boundaries that she would be the bad guy for being careful and making sure she’s making safe choices'

Is that because nobody has called her the bad guy?

Pinkbonbon · 16/02/2022 11:22

Yes that I'll give you. Because thats a fair point.

However, sometimes people need to be sure about things before walking away. And they can't be as rigid as you or I might. They just aren't there yet. And that's OK.

It's a good practice to get into to establish whether or not people respect your boundaries too.

LaBellina · 16/02/2022 11:29

Gaslighting (which completely erodes your self esteem ) is more often then not a part of abusive relationships. After you leave the relationship, the damage that the abuse has caused will stay with you. I have accepted that because of my experiences, it’s very very hard to trust a man and I also know that I attract abusive men more then other women who don’t have all these experiences…it’s like they can smell it.
In the beginning of my relationship with my now DH, I was very wary. When you’re used to men being abusive, you’re always waiting for that turning point. People who have been in an abusive relationship probably know what I mean by that. Also, you're always doubting and second guessing them, yourself, your own boundaries, you don’t even dare to really trust your own gut feeling anymore.

Most of all, you want to protect yourself from going trough the same experiences again.
It took a long time before I dared to trust my DH and I’m so glad he showed me patience, compassion and understanding. Before anyone asks, yes I’ve had years of therapy but I’ll never be able to men trust again like I did before all the bad experiences.

Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 11:32

ChristmasFluff · 16/02/2022 11:56

Even if he is really keen on you, ask yourself who he is really keen on.

He doesn't know enough about you to know your values. He has no idea if you are a good match from the small amount he knows about you. You literally could be a serial killer, because after one date he can't know that you aren't.

So he is keen on some fantasy woman he has put together in his head - made up of your face and body, some texts, one date's worth of information, and a whole shedload of wishful thinking, projection and daydreams of a perfect partner.

He is enmeshing too soon - which isn't healthy.

Stravaig · 16/02/2022 12:11

@Wauden Off-topic, but thank you for your nice message a few days ago about the kirk in Shetland. I tried to reply, but couldn't.

Original poster

Notanotherchange · 16/02/2022 13:01

@iwishu yes I suggested boxing actually and the first concert, him the second.

OP posts:

Fieldsville · 16/02/2022 13:05

[quote Notanotherchange]@iwishu yes I suggested boxing actually and the first concert, him the second.[/quote]
That sounds very positive. The fact that you made the first two choices and the fact that your interests are the same.

ravenmum · 16/02/2022 13:14

After just one date, I would find it odd if the other person started talking about events a month later - simply as they are making the assumption that I will still be interested. One event, suggested tentatively, without any expectations - sure. Multiple events, talked about as if you're definitely going - a bit strange after a single meeting.

Talking about having a future together very early on - I have experienced this once, with a lovebomber.

Helenahandkart · 16/02/2022 14:30

My husband started talking about the kids we would have on our first date, we slept together straight away, and right from the start we made plans to go places and hang out together all the time.
We’ve been together for 17 years now.
Prior to him I’d had a series of disastrous relationships with every kind of awful man. I didn’t do anything different with my husband than I did with the rest of them. Sometimes you just get a good one.
I’d advise keeping an open mind, hoping for the best and seeing where it goes. None of what you’ve said sounds like definite red flags to me. Maybe he just likes you!

Knittingchamp · 16/02/2022 19:04

Joined (longtime lurker) to say I met my DH on OLD, we kind of clicked after the first message, invited each other to everything really fast, fell in love, married (amazing proposal) and are so happy now (with the same small annoying stuff everyone has when you pick up each others socks etc, lol). He definitely looked too good to be true on his profile as well.

I've also met a few guys before that on OLD who love bombed but luckily I got out quick (it's hard to tell when it's real, isn't it?) simply because I developed iron cast boundaries and walked away at any single genuine red glad no matter how small. Thank God I did else I'd never have been single when DH came along.

What I'm saying is be really alert to red flags and happy to walk away if you see one. But right now he isn't doing anything wrong. He might just be the kind of guy who knows someone amazing when he meets her. Don't play games or sabotage it, let it progress with an open mind.

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