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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Refuse to go on holiday?

75 replies

Shouldigoornot · 15/02/2022 18:13

Hi there. DH really wants me and DC to go on a holiday with a group of his friends and their families. There will be one family with DC same age as ours but they have a history of being flaky and may not turn up. Other families have adult DC who won’t be joining them.
DH tends to drink very heavily when out with his mates. (Otherwise he does not). In the past I have been ignored on weekends away while he gets paralytic. If I tried to rein him in I was told I can’t stop him from having a good time with his friends. Fine - I just stopped going away on these weekends - problem solved.
But now he’s begging me to do this group “family” holiday. First time to bring the DC away with his friends.
I was thinking about it as I know he is really keen and the DC would probably enjoy the trip - but the other night he came in really drunk after a night out, slurring speech and falling over in front of the DC. I got really angry and made him sleep downstairs.
He hasn’t done that in a while but it’s made me think. On holiday I’ll be the nagging wife, ruining his fun. And if he comes into a hotel room in that state I can’t kick him out. He says his mates won’t be drinking on a family holiday - but like I say, there’ll only be one other family with young DC and they are flaky and may not turn up.
Go or not? Thanks!

OP posts:
2Gen · 15/02/2022 20:45

I think he's wrong to put you in this position OP but I would definitely not go nor would I let him take the children on his own if I had any doubts he would behave and stay sober, which it sounds like you do! Serious doubts!
I don't know if you could afford it but one way to prevent yourself looking like the fun police would be to suggest either a different, family holiday... without his boozy mates, just the 2 of ye and your children, to a family-only resort and in the sun seeing as you don't ski anymore ( neither do I, never have , never wanted to!) or for him to go on that one and you take the kids to a family resort yourself. Not ideal though and not much of a break for you, I'm sorry. It does sound as if it'd be miserable for you if you went and nerve-wracking for you if he took the kids by himself. It's a terrible double bind for you! He's being a bit self-centred I reckon!

Original poster
Shouldigoornot · 15/02/2022 21:03

Hmm I might just show him the fairly unanimous responses on here. Seems I’m not the only one who’s a “fun sponge”.
Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 16/02/2022 03:15

You know him better than anybody. You know his strengths and weaknesses. Alcohol, by the sound of it is a weakness. There’s not a chance I’d be going on this holiday, stuck in a hotel room with a drunk for a roommate, no thanks, and the only escape would be to fly home.

whitewashing · 16/02/2022 04:11

You’re only being asked to go so you can watch the kids and he doesn’t have to. I wouldn’t go.

SarahBellam · 16/02/2022 05:29

What do you get out of this family ‘holiday’? You get to sit around all day on your own, then look after the kids while you watch your husband getting bladdered on the evenings. That sounds like the shittest of shit holidays. If he really wants you all to have a proper holiday he should be planning something that you all actually wanted to do, instead of dragging you along like the hired help.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/02/2022 06:58

So firstly, 4 of you have been invited to make up the numbers. Rather unfair to make it conditional on a commitment from the other family as it puts pressure on them but a direct conversation as to whether they are really up for it would give you a good steer.

You don't say how old your kids are which is rather a big factor. Old enough for proper ski school in the morning / all day or under 7? If the latter, send him by himself and knock it on the head. It's feasible to put them in ski school at a younger age but the benefit to their skiing is marginal in the grand scheme of things. Given your reservations sending the kids out all day with him is a non starter.

Re the boozing, chalet holidays are notoriously boozy but there's a happy medium of more wine with dinner than you'd usually have (every night) and a boozy lunch, apres ski pints, aperitifs, wine with dinner and grappa/shots after.
If you can live with the former and one of the latter I'd say go. If the former makes you anxious then I'd swerve the whole thing.

blackdumpling · 16/02/2022 07:13

You've buried the lede here
Which is that your partner can't be trusted to take care of your kids & not drink
Your partner is an alcoholic
Surely you must know this deep down
I would start by video recording him whenever he comes home in a state
I would start making a diary of his alcohol consumption
I would call the police if at anytime suspected him of driving drunk
Basically I would be building up a dossier file to show he is an alcoholic
Then I would leave him & use this info to push for no unsupervised access to the children
I also ski & enjoy a mulled wine or three during/after a big day skiing
Your husband is, literally & figuratively taking the piss

user1471604848 · 16/02/2022 07:18

Why not go on a separate ski family holiday? Ie just your family, not with any others

Original poster
Shouldigoornot · 16/02/2022 07:43

Thanks all.
He has strong potential to be an alcoholic but has made massive efforts over the years to keep a lid on it. When not drinking (which is 99% of the time) he’s an exemplary parent.
It is literally only when he’s out with certain of his mates - then it aallll goes out the window. Some of them are going on this holiday.
I would prefer a family-only holiday but all his friends (including several far more moderate drinkers) are excited about this one.
There’ll be plenty who will enjoy a couple of drinks, then take it easy. Then a couple who will drink very heavily - not in a loud and boozy way but steadily putting it back. At least one of them is a frank alcoholic. Unfortunately when DH is with these people he matches them drink for drink. If I’m not with him I don’t care but I hate this thought of a week of it. He’ll take it easy at first I guess but there’ll be a couple of nights at least when he’ll just go for it. He’s never aggressive - just stupid and embarrassing.
DC are 9 and 10. The 9 year old thought he was funny the other evening when she saw him drunk. The 10 year old went a bit quiet and didn’t say goodbye to him the next morning as she usually does.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 16/02/2022 08:42

OP your DH is alcoholic. He’s functioning alcoholic so far, he certainly will stay like this for some time but he’s is alcoholic for sure because he is not able to limit or stop his drinking. You said yourself that he might drink while with DC and can’t be trusted, it’s the main thing, it means for me that he’s crossed the line and firmly on the way to the bottom.
Someone above advised you to keep diary and to do videos of his drinking. I think it’s a good idea. It will help you at least to see the whole picture and plan accordingly.
Your eldest’s reaction is very telling.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/02/2022 08:43

By being there to pick up the adulting so he can get pissed you are enabling him. You know that.

You might benefit from attending Al-Anon. It sounds a very unhappy life, to always be on edge / resentful on every social occasion with friends.

I think your H needs help.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/02/2022 08:48

I was reading this thinking it was a summer beach type holiday, in which case I would have said go for it. But the fact it is skiiing and you can’t ski, plus the rest of it. No!

How friendly are you with the other wives?

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 08:48

OP,

You don't want your children around this drunken environment.

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic whose keeping a lid on it.

Prepare for the day he doesn't.

I hope you work and have your own money.

MintJulia · 16/02/2022 09:01

Sounds like a miserable and expensive week. I'd say no and take the DCs somewhere else.

Coronawireless · 16/02/2022 09:06

Yes, if his drinking became an issue beyond the odd night out I would not hesitate to leave.
I get on ok with the wives - no more than that. Some are happy with the drinking, others steer clear of the group as a whole (as I usually do). The wife in the flaky family is not a drinker. I suspect there’ll be an “excuse” at the last minute - one of their DC will be unwell - and they won’t turn up.

Coronawireless · 16/02/2022 09:07

Sorry, name change fail!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 09:09

His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Any social occasion will be used by the alcoholic to seek out alcohol; this is not about a skiing holiday and never has been. Its not altogether surprising either that many of his friends are drinking buddies who binge. And he is nowhere into making massive efforts to keep a lid on it; his binge drinking behaviour leading to falling down drunk like the other evening is a problem in that you're being affected by it too.

Re your comment:-
"DC are 9 and 10. The 9 year old thought he was funny the other evening when she saw him drunk. The 10 year old went a bit quiet and didn’t say goodbye to him the next morning as she usually does".

Your children are already being affected by his drinking and they've likely seen this from him before too; they know far more than either of you care to realise. You have daughters; is their dad really the sort of man you would want them to have a relationship with as adults?. Currently you're showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level and they are learning a lot of damaging lessons about relationships here. Did you also grow up seeing a too heavily drinking parent as well?.

You're basically caught up in his alcoholism almost as much as he is and its also not called the "family disease" without good reason.

What are you getting out of this now?. Do you really think he is an exemplary parent ( and no he is not that at all) or by writing that are you are trying desperately to hold this together and or otherwise put a gloss on things?. Women in poor relationships often write similar to he's a great dad etc when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 09:15

"Yes, if his drinking became an issue beyond the odd night out I would not hesitate to leave".

But your daughters are already seeing the after effects of his drinking sessions all too clearly. On holiday with other adults its going to be just as bad, if not worse for them. They also see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him. They growing up in and around all this will affect them also as adults and their choices they make in their own adult relationships.

Leftbutcameback · 16/02/2022 09:15

So if there was no alcohol issue you'd still be happy to sit round and do nothing all day? I've been skiing twice, didn't like it, so didn't go the next time. It's not like you can read a book and swim, or go for a hike, there's just a spa if you're lucky. I don't get it?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/02/2022 09:27

@Leftbutcameback depending on the resort there can be nice non-skiing options like hikes etc. and the mountains are beautiful, but I agree with you, it's a really expensive way to waste time if you are not a skier.

H sounds quite selfish about it all. And manipulative. A bit like an alcoholic...

ANameChangeAgain · 16/02/2022 09:29

He is asking you to go for selfish reasons. He wants childcare for his children whilst he gets pissed with his friends, so the children are available have fun with whilst you twiddle your thumbs. I saw my parents tipsy when young, but never out of control drunk, and likewise for my children. It must be a frightening thing to see. I would take the children someonewhere on my own.

Original poster
Shouldigoornot · 16/02/2022 09:30

@Leftbutcameback

So if there was no alcohol issue you'd still be happy to sit round and do nothing all day? I've been skiing twice, didn't like it, so didn't go the next time. It's not like you can read a book and swim, or go for a hike, there's just a spa if you're lucky. I don't get it?
Yes, the DC love it and I would be perfectly happy to hang out in a scenic location and walk or read. We’ve had many happy family holidays before. I’m going to say no, and I’m going to tell him why. He won’t be happy but I think it’ll force him to hear me. Talking hasn’t helped. He really doesn’t get drunk very often at all. Only when he’s with some of these people - once every few months nowadays. We rumble along perfectly happily, he has the very odd night of drinking, then back to normal. But I really don’t know how this week might go…
OP posts:
Original poster
Shouldigoornot · 16/02/2022 09:32

My family doesn’t drink heavily. His mother and one of his sisters drink a good bit - quietly, at home, but quite a bit. Always have to have a drink in their hand. And the thing is that they, and some of his friends, are rarely actually that drunk! The reason DH gets very drunk is that he tries to do it so rarely that his tolerance is lower than some of his friends.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 09:37

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge that he has gone without any alcohol?.

He may not be doing this very often but its enough for your children to notice and they certainly saw him the other evening come in drunk. You need to get off the merry go around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 09:41

Alcoholism can also be learnt and I note without a great deal of surprise that his own family drink heavily as well.

You will both continue in these same patterns that you've adopted until you decide not to. You can only help your own self ultimately.